My wife and I have been invited to a wedding in mid June. A distant cousin, whom I haven’t seen in donkey’s years, sent me a invite card along with wanting to know a confirmation date.
Quite frankly, I can’t stand these fucking things whether its a wedding, a christening, some cunt’s birthday or anniversary etc. I hate the family gatherings and all the faffing about with the small talk and the strain of putting on a fixed smile for hours on end. Not only that, but it’s the hassle and expense of getting to the venue (in this case Portsmouth, which is about 7 hours and almost 400 miles from where I live in the Lake District). Add to that the expense of a hotel for the night, plus a gift for the happy bastards, followed by the long trek home.
I am now desperately trying to think of a good enough excuse not to go! But the only snag is that there’s an 18th birthday party I’ve been invited too a couple of months later on, which means thinking of an excuse not to go to that as well.
Perhaps its because I’m in my late 50s and I just don’t have the patience or the inclination to bother with these social/family gatherings; all I want is a peaceful life away from all the bollocks. But it really is a pain in the arse trying to think up plausible excuses not to go to these things, but without coming over as a right old miserable cunt.
Nominated by Technocunt
Ah Techno I know the feeling.
Families…a way of making you stay in touch with people you ordinarily wouldn’t talk to.
You don’t need to give a reason,just politely declined and send a token gift.
“Many thanks for your kind invitation. Unfortunately we will not be able to attend but we wish you all the best for the future and sincerely hope your special day will be one to remember”
Enclose a gift and Bob’s your uncle you’re off the hook.
Good luck.
26
Nice idea, but regrettably the missus is dead keen on going if only to have a good gossip. And of course if she wants to go, I have to go as well (unless something “unexpected” happens to her between now and then!)
8
My sympathies. Your fucked mate so just grin and bear it.
5
I give it a year!
3
With you there Techno, have a christening coming up for an in-laws sprog. This means a 200 mile round trip and a couple of nights away. Not fucking interested. The mother of said sprog also decided she just had to get married in a foreign location, dragging two families and friends abroad at enormous expense to massage her massive ego.
Fuck off, if you want to celebrate something fine, don’t drag everyone else along.
22
I hate weddings, I’ll do anything to get out of them.
Weddings,christenings,engagement parties, any of that shit I’ll duck it.
Like a good funeral though!
Especially if they put a good spread on!
Say your going but think you might be starting with coronavirus!
Wouldnt miss it for hell or high water, theyll talk you out of going, then feet up infront of the radio.
19
Pps oh an send a gift of a 6pack of bogroll, worth about £50 at moment
11
You can bet Phil the Greek thinks the same in recent years, “Not another one of my useless cunt grandchildren getting hitched again, I’d rather be opening a leisure centre in Cleethorpes or shooting at something”.
17
…or shooting people in Cleethorpes.
21
I don’t mind the odd funeral because I just love all the faux grief from some of the family members/relatives, who probably hating him/her when alive.
Plus I can always find out if the old cunt left a will, ha!
9
Need an excuse? Say you’re having to ’self isolate’. Thank Dog for Coronavirus.
15
Knowing my luck C19 will have fucked off by June. Although then again perhaps some of the more irritaiting wedding guests might end up as funeral victims by then.
7
It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good. 😊
6
What about hurricane Katrina?
Get yer meteorological metaphors straight Rtc!
😁
4
Now I’ve got “Walking on Horseshit” by Katrina & the Bleedin’ Waves, stuck in my head now
1
Always amusing these ‘events’ where slebs are involved.
Look at the invite list for Hewitt and Sparkle. Hollywierd cunts and media personages of all colours of the rainbow who never even knew they were friends of the Happy Couple got invited!
Demi Moore attending Princess Eugenie’s bash was bizarre in the extreme as if I could give a fuck anyway.
(See also Katie slagface Price’s nuptials)
8
Got my Grandmother’s funeral on Monday 200 mile round trip. Got to go as I’m a pall-bearer.
9
Sorry dark humour. She was 98 and a diamond from a different age. It will be an honour. I totally understand the wedding invite thing though, got a couple this year. Mrs Knott’s work colleagues, won’t know a soul there 50 odd miles away and a hotel stay, plus a gift she’ll be counting the cost for months!
7
Rob I get too many unwanted funeral invitations I would much rather a wedding where I can get horribly pissed , leeratthe bridesmaids and make inappropriate suggestions.
I have always why I don’t get too many wedding invitations.
11
You’re called Wanksock and you don’t get too many wedding invitations? Brilliant!
10
Sorry to hear that RK – do her proud Sir!
2
Sorry to hear that Rob, yes only right for your gran.
Probably quite a few on ISAC will get popped off by coronavirus, but ill go to all the funerals!
Be sat in the pew clutching my paper plate full of vol au vents an small butties.
Im respectful like that.
12
Could be your lucky year Miserable – if me, Willie, LL and Bertie all cark this year, Creampuff Manor would be ALL YOURS! 😃
7
Itd be a bitter-sweet windfall Rtc.
Id put up a monument to you all a water feature or something.
The asylum seekers that i rented it to would be told straight, NO washing your feet in the ISAC remembrance water feature.
13
Good Morning RTC That’s the thing about CV it’s going to do in all us old farts thereby freeing up the housing market for the entitled millennial generation.
5
Morning Wanksock.
Not only that, but also killing off all the Leave and Tory voters, thus handing Labour a fighting chance at winning the next election!
6
RTC@9.56
Don’t tell him that Ruff one! He’ll be sending bat’s wings through the post to everyone!
5
I will start to worry Bertie if we appear in his Dead Pool picks. According to the stats, I stand a 0.2% chance of pegging it from coronavirus so Miserable might want to buy a Lottery ticket too.
5
On that basis LL, I’ll go to the top of his list!
5
Utmost respect MNC ! A funeral without vol-au-vants isn’t worth attending. I’m a bit more cheese and pineapple myself. I steer clear of quiche as it’s a poofs food, If Earl Krav can possibly confirm.
7
Im not one to cause a fuss Rob, i like cheese & pineapple too, im happy with anything, learnt that when asked that widow if they had any piccalilly.
6
I can see what you’re up to Miserable!
They say Kovid-19 will be bad for the economy but you’ll clean up with house clearances won’t you?
😂
5
Carefully thought out business plans and a eye on future events is nothing to be ashamed of.
😁
5
My quiche would make you change your mind – tons of farmhouse cheddar, smoked back, onions, double cream and eggs. Bloody solid, a meal, not a snack.
But you’re right about a lot of specimens – too many veg, really wet, limp, droopy and insipid. Sort of man batter in a pastry case. Can see where you’re coming from…
3
Well, as you’ve got a wife Techno you are literally fucked. Women love that sort of shit, they wouldn’t miss it for the world. Short of getting divorced or snuffing it I have no suggestions i’m afraid. You’ll just have to suck it up mate.
11
I could ask her to take a look at a loose roof tile from our rickety 30ft ladder and uneven pathway on a wet & windy day!
8
The trick is to be such a cunt you don’t get sent the invites in the first place.
17
The only real highlight about a wedding ceremony, is when the vicar says something like “does anyone present who knows a reason why these cunts may not lawfully marry, to declare it now!”
I have been to 4 weddings over the years, and regrettably no one has objected.
If I have to go to the June one am so tempted to be a total cunt and say “Yeah, me!”
5
Works for me.
3
Weddings are great for people watching. You see some right cunts. One of my best wedding memories and I still have the photos, is of a proud Scotsman in full regalia stood on the roof of a police car in Kent. He didn’t come all that way for nothing !
8
Easy, just tell them you have reoccurring Covid19, but you’re still happy to turn up if they want you there.
Now the decision is theirs!
7
Ahh! Weddings are such beautiful occasions don’t you agree?
The last one I went to was so moving. Even the cake was in tiers.
10
I was invited to a stag do some years ago to, somewhere obscure and unheard of, in Greece. I simply told him I didn’t have a passport but, even if I did, I couldn’t afford it anyway. He got really snotty about it and told me I might not get invited to the wedding then. I told him I couldn’t care less about the bloody wedding since I’d yet to meet his fucking fiancee and he was likely to be the only person there that I knew. End of a friendship which, looking back, was mostly one way.
14
I remember attending weddings when I was a child they were fun then.
Weddings as an adult not so.
Travelling long distances for a wedding they should arrange transportation for you.
Or just ignore the invitation altogether.
It boggles my mind being invited to something by someone not heard from in years.
Don’t go.
Send them a card with 50p taped to it instead.
11
Send them a card but don’t put a stamp on it.
6
Are you secretly from Yorkshire Mog? 🤣
4
And Scottish.
5
After the bitter experience of watching my marriage go down the toilet, I’m in no rush to see some other dull cunt sign up for the opportunity to suffer the same. And, I will use that as an excuse for as long as I can get away with it. Fuck them.
9
I feel for ya Technocunt,
Whilst I respect marriage as declaration of love and all that Weddings are now over the top bollocks that most of the poor cunts who get invited have to attend at great inconvenience and expense.
Do any of the thousands of cunts getting married think abaaaaht the time, hassle and expense they put on their guests…nah course not it’s us, us, us and us.
Selfish bastards the lot of them, of course they expect some gifts etc to get back some of the money the whole pile of cunt has cost.
Then you have to dress in uncomfortable clothes all day and try and look like your having a good time when that sneaky photographer takes photos without you realising.
The Bride buys a dress that costs fuck knows how much, to wear once and the poor Husband wont get to give the Mrs one in it at a later date as we all know once Married sex goes aaaaht the window.
Weddings aren’t all bad though…went to a family one abaaaaht 3 years ago and ended up getting super pissed and gave the 20 year old Bridesmaid one bareback.
Go fuck yourselves.
9
I haven’t been to a wedding since my own 29 years ago.
7
I kid you not.
4
Do you reckon Kravdarth and Mince Pie Guy will invite you to theirs RTCP?
I dont think I’ll be getting an invite.
6
MPG and Bent Dennis getting hitched B&WC? That’s nice.
I expect Krav will be marrying that black man he’s always going on about snogging once cos he ain’t no raaacist!!
If I get an invite I’ll be sure to pass it on to you. I’m self isolating till a vaccine for Corbyn-19 becomes available.
7
Theyve already asked me to be bridesmaid.
4
Bertie and Percy will be performing Canadian warbler Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’ at the reception.
7
Aawww – I had me dress ready and everything!
😢
4
Ooh… that song never fails to bring a tear to my eye. 😢
4
100% with you on this cunting, Technocunt.
I cannot STAND invites of any kind. My immediate family – Mum, Dad, Sister call me a miserable cunt as I never want to go to anything of this ilk, but like Techno, I just can’t be bothered at nearly 50 years old. I like a quite life. I like my routine. I like a degree of solitude and I find socialising difficult, being an anxiety sufferer. I don’t like big gatherings, even family ones. I also hate all the fucking small talk:
” How’s business. Cunty?”
“Any man on the horizon/ when are you having kids?” (YES, REALLY….they do ask that)
“Any holidays this year?”
“So when ARE you going to return to nursing?” (that is the one that really get my piss boiling…….I feel like saying, “When you stop sticking your smug nose in my business, you rude cunt, which clearly means NEVER!!”
It is torturous. My family in Liverpool are the worst for invites. In the last few years, we have had to haul our collective arses up there for:
My cousin’s 50th.
My cousin’s son’s 21st birthday.
My Aunt’s 80th (which wasn’t even anywhere NEAR her actual birthday, as they wanted an early party so her precious grandson could attend, as he studies abroad)
A couple of month ago, we got ANOTHER fucking invite from them. My cousin’s 25th wedding anniversary combined with the 25th anniversary of her husband’s fucking vet practice……FUCK’S SAKE!!! This time my Dad put his foot down and told them nicely to fuck off. We have to pay for a train up there, a hotel, general expenses of taxis and other shit and then ANOTHER fucking present. I am sure they think that because we live in Londonistan, we are loaded. Are we fuck…that is why we are hard up!!! Consequently, we get the distinct impression that they are sulking now.
What’s more, another cousin ‘daaahnn Sarf ‘ here in Londonistan has invited us to her bloody 50th Birthday celebrations in…….wait for it….FUCKING CYPRUS….IN AUGUST!!!! Yes, come to my celebrations with your pale as fuck skin and get burned to to the point you resemble a fucking ‘Dorito’. Oh, and pay for your own flights and accommodation too.
I just sit at these things in a corner and try and blend into the wallpaper. Fucking nightmare, all of ’em. I would happily tell all of ’em to fuck off. family or not.
11
Having to travel abroad for someone else’s gig is a definite no-no for me.
I am fucked if I’m going to fork out a couple of grand to piss off to some chav paradise for a couple of days while the happy pair take a million selfies, not giving two shits about the time and expense guests have had to make in order to make their wedding a success.
4
Too right, Techno. It’s taking the piss!
They also assume that we have the cash for this extravagant shit. Bloody pain in the arse!
5
Don’t forget that this pair will spend £20k on the wedding then complain about struggling to pay the fucking mortgage.
7
Or they will bitch and moan on social media about average some of the wedding gifts were
3
I have been invited to my Nephews wedding.
I do not own a tie but the good lady has got me one (with my f*cking money!) – a Ralph Lauren item costing, I kid you not, eighty quid!
As soon as I am allowed out of the shed I am having words with that young lady!
4
A couple of distant acquaintance thanked me for the matching kettle/toaster they’d got. I was more than happy to accept the thanks as I knew for certain I’d forgotten to get anything at all, not even a card, and I wasn’t even at the, rather large, wedding. I can only assume they mistook me for somebody else.
4
They mistook you for someone who gives a damn. 😹
4
‘I just sit at these things in a corner and try and blend into the wallpaper’
Come come Nurse Cunty you’re no wallflower….I bet you look something like this, smouldering in the corner-
https://images.app.goo.gl/cF5uCnrXZZgnnCTi8
4
Miles, you are officially my new best friend (not that I had an old one!) Any comparison to the gorgeous and sultry Lauren Bacall is just fine by me, even though I more resemble Humphrey Bogart…….
I WISH I looked like that, sulking in the corner, face like a smacked arse at these occasions…….
4
Being HBelindaHubbard, I resemble LB more than I do Humph…
2
It’s a fucking God-send working shifts, sometimes!!!
‘Really sorry, but I’m working’.
5
An 18th birthday party? Fuck me, last time i was invited to one of those The Fratellis were in the charts.
4
In total I have gatecrashed two weddings (one Jewish – I was pissed) and been invited to one. I declined that one because it was several lightyears outside my comfort zone (an aspirational relative – reception at Manoir Quat’ Saisons for fuck’s sake, and with a bunch of senior suits possibly including Rebekah Wade), and I have only one thought on the matter: if you can’t get your end away any other way, and have to get married, please do it quietly in private and save yourselves a shit load of money and rancour.
8
Go to the wedding in black-face.
You`ll never be invited (anywhere) ever again.
Trust me, I know.
6
I did, but I don`t think it got published.
So much for freedom of imagery – hypocrisy?
3
Imagery??? I think you mean ‘images’. How’s Pete Townshend? 😀😀😉
2
In my middle age, I’m beginnng to develop an aversion to all social events, even family ones. Weddings, however, have unprecedented levels of cuntery. Of this there can be no doubt.
Was at a younger cousin’s (from my dad’s side of the family) wedding about 4 years ago and it was pretty bad: over-dressed cunts in an over-priced venue pretending to like one another (cousins, aunts and uncles, with their second wives/husbands, casting nasty surreptitious glances at their exes and their new partners); people talking about one another from their table while the decidedly substandard live band plays at excessive decibel levels; flatulent slappers hanging all over gullible cunts, giggling and drooling like spazzes; the young spray-tanned millennials choking out the toilets as they go in to toot lines of the white marching powder; and, lastly, the bride and groom dancing centre stage, oblivious to the misery and heartache that’s about to (inevitably) follow them.
Yep, they’ve split up now. No joke.
Cunts — one-night stands and short-term relationships are the way to go!
9
In politest terms tell them to fuck off. Last year I was invited to my cousin’s sons wedding 200 miles away, I’ve been in the approximate presence of said cousins son a total of three times in my life, at three funerals (the first when said son was barely out of nappies 20 odd years ago). We aren’t close, I didn’t feel obligated at all. And I doubt that my absence was noticed for one Pico-second.
These people are being polite, be polite back and don’t attend.
1