We’re doomed! Doomed, I tell you. No, nothing to do with Coronavirus. It’s an asteroid that NASA has been tracking and it’s calculated to hit the Earth on the 29th April. It will achieve what the Russians, the Americans and the Iranians have tried, but failed to do over the years which is to wipe out mankind.
It’s 2.5 miles across and weighs…God knows what it fuckin’ weighs, it doesn’t say. However, it’s travelling at 20,000 miles per hour, so there’s going to be one fuckin’ hell of a mess when it hits! Anyone who knows how to deflect the beast, answers on a postcard before the end of March please.
Killer asteroids are a cunt! I was hoping to have got in at least one more birthday before this earth shattering news came in.
And if you don’t believe me, read for yourself:
PS Admin: Because of the urgency of this situation, I would expect this nom to move up the pending list as we might not be around much longer to discuss it’s merits.
Nominated by Bertie Blunt Tory Cunt
I’ve just dug my Sinclair pocket calculator out and calculated it’s heading for Wuhan so happy days.
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Pity its not heading for Londonistab!
Although quite frankly you’d be pushed to spot the difference after it had crash landed.
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I thought it would come out of the Express Bertie… This is absolute nonsense of course…. What we really need to fear is an invasion from the Rotten cheesy Helmets from Uranus. I have been warning people for years about this impending doom.
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You’re right Fenton, The Express does have a tendency to exaggerate.
They’ve backtracked a little since the original report, saying things won’t be quite that bad as there will be 8 inches of snow on the ground which will cushion the blow!
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I wouldn’t trust anything emanating from the Express’ uranus quite frankly, otherwise NASA, ESA and a whole bunch of other space agencies would be in meltdown and asking Bruce Willis if he can reprise his film role from Armageddon!
However, bogus story or not, no doubt the sheeple will fall for it and buy up in even bog rolls for D Day.
(No doubt the Guardian will blame Trump & Brexit)
oh well, it’s been fun. May as well go out there and grope a few wimminz before the lights go out.
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That big rocky cunt is going to miss us by a mere 4 million miles, a close shave in cosmic terms…
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But a bit of a trek on a push bike.
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I’ve had a dose of ‘killer asteroids’ brought on be feeding on ration packs for months on end. They don’t hang bog roll in the shitters, just a machete for cutting a ‘length’ off! A particularly large feeshus will bring in the asteroids with that sort of diet!
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The lengths these gimmecunts will do to land on our shores!
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Oh well that’s five days after my birthday so at least I’ll still get a piss up.
And having stripped the shelves bare of bog roll, at least the dead will have clean arseholes.
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France has already said if it lands on the uk they want unlimited access to it the mineral rights as part of the brexit divorce deal.
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I’ve suspected all along that Macron prefers slipping in round the back.
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This is the reason why people have been panic buying bog rolls. Strapped to the outside of your house they make an excellent deflection shield.
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I wonder what St Greta of Icebergs would have to say about that?
“How very dare you! You’re taking away my childhood!”
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“Have you heard? – it’s in The Star
Next July we collide with Mars”
So sang Bing Crosby in the 1940s, and indeed I can remember the Daily Express making similar dire warnings in the 1950s. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, unlike poor old Dominic Grieve who has to worry about his killer hemorrhoid. Due to this it is all change at the Rose & Crown lunchtime session today. Because Dommie can’t sit at his eectric organ, I am delighted to tell you that standing in today wil be that swinging singing duo Peter Mandelson and Andy Adonis, and their guitars, with songs round the old camp fire. VERY camp…..
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I wish it was true. I took the precaution of buying 400 packs of arse-wipe last week before those greedy hoarders got a hold of them all. I shall use my extra-strength bog-roll to build myself a fort …my arse-wipe is,of course,scented… it will even smell nice in my 3 ply Anderson shelter. So,don’t worry Cunters…The Hounds and I will be safe and able to start the task of wiping out any survivors of a massive asteroid strike or plague.
None of you lot can come into my fort…I’ve taken the sign off my front door and hung it on my fort wall….”Fuck Off,you Cunts.” Only Gemma Arterton will be allowed in…and the ginger lassie off that crisp advert with Lineker….they can help me in my vital “Repopulation of Rural Northumberland” programme.
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There is hardly any lavatory paper to be seen in London, but yesterday I was on a bus and a woman sat next to me proudly displaying 8 rolls of said comestable with “Cocoa butter” impregnated on the sheets. Poor cow she must be desperate – fancy putting Kerrygold round her arse Perhaps she is expecting a visit from the ghost of Jeremy Thorpe.
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Perhaps she thinks that B+WC has a sweet tooth?
Morning,Mr Boggs.
Morning,All.
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Morning Dick,
It seems to be tinned food theyre stockpiling here, baked beans and tuna, and heartbreakingly my red salmon! The cranks have stripped the shelves.
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I’ve got enough Fray Bentos tinned pies,Bushmills whiskey and hound food to do me…for years I’ve been buying them in bulk…plus I’ve got plenty of shotgun cartridges so either the wild game will cop it,or more likely,I’ll pay a little visit to those snooty Cunts across the fields..bet they’ve got plenty of provisions stockpiled and will be only too glad to share (give it all to me) when I explain the situation.
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Funny how generous people are when staring down the barrel of a shotgun isnt it?
☺👍
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Here, after the He*nz beans tragedy, the shelves are now clear of Mornflake porridge oats.
There is obviously a personal vendetta against me.
There will be consequences.
Good morning MNC.
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Morning Jack!
You think we are being deliberately targeted Jack?
Wasnt happy about the salmon, toilet roll i can improvise but salmon?
Not exactly able to spear fish one in Northwest of england?
Got a box of readybrek here im going to put on ebay you can have first offer mate?
😁
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Good nom Bertie!👍
But cant help noticing your nerves are bad at the moment,
Meteors crashing to earth, coronavirus,
Like a more mature shaggy from Scooby doo,
‘Ccccccoronavirus? Yikes!!!’☺
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You’re right Miserable! My Missus keeps telling me I’m paranoid as I’m convinced something’s out to get me.
Whatever it is, I hope I get a 2 minute warning at least. I wouldn’t want it all to end like Elvis.
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At least Elvis had the luxury of bog roll if hed of finished Bertie.
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What if it rains, Dick?
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I’m no idiot,Sgt. Maj…..my fort is built in the corner of my vast Billiards room…makes it easier to get to my decanter.
“Prior Planning Prevents Poor Performance”
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Run, tell, hide.
😁
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What about Fanny, Dick? Is there any room in the hillside bunker or is it jammed full of the Fiddler Horde that you moved last December in anticipation of a Corbyn government and subsequent wealth grab?
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Oh I arranged a heavy-lift helicopter to take that fat bitch to Wuhan a few weeks ago,LL. She was happy to go….she was last seen styling her piss-flaps to resemble bat’s wings attached to a road-kill Pangolin….we’ll sharp see if those slitty-eyed devils really will eat anything.
Uncle “Kiddy” Fiddler,unfortunately, has barricaded himself in the Nursery…hopefully my threat to unleash Harvey ( Hello,you Cunts) Price may flush the bugger from his lair.
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PS….I wonder if the Tory Govt. have discovered Magic Grandpa’s money-tree?….their spending plans,even without the added Coronavirus impact,are fucking hair-curling.
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My uncle used to say, the army’s 6 P’s: proper planning prevents piss-poor performance. Kinda similar to yours. Stupid stockpiling cunts, if an asteroid hit then they wasted their time. Poetic justice.
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Ah, the Seven Ps. Well done indeed, Sir.
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I had 3 pees last night.
Fucking hate getting old.
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Seems to be the edited version, but a sterling effort nonetheless!
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OVEN BAKED!
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That was supposed to be a reply about the ginger bird on the walkers advert.
19 replies down…I sound like a right nutter now.
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3-ply Andrex shelter ?!!
Evening, m’Lord !
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I shall get that bank loan and buy the ’57 Chevy I’ve always dreamed of and enjoy it for a month.
Call 111 and self-isolate for the approptiate time after the asteroid hits.
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Online news saying a 56yr old blokes been mugged for toilet rolls hed bought down in London.
Unbelievable, worlds gone fuckin puddled!
Maybe its a good thing this asteroid?
Dont deserve this planet do we?
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Soon there will be county lines bog roll runs by vulnerable teens to provincial towns, groomed by the Andrex Mafia.
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I had a feeling that would happen eventually. Thought it would be over food rather than bog roll.
In other news, a woman who coughed in Tennessee got beaten to death by a shovel. It’s so sad…and a tiny bit funny🙂
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Shame it’s not going to hit the Pakistan. Mind you, most of the fuckers are over here. The human equivalent of the common house fly.
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The end of the world? Sounds mild compared to the hysterical panic i’m hearing on the radio right now. The government taking over private health care facilities? Yeah right. I believe it when I see it.
Cunts.
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Yeah, heard that. LBC reported the Government is preparing to buy up private hospital beds.
That’ll be at about £1million quid per bed then.
Happy days. My BUPA shares will go through the roof!
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2.4 million per day for 8000 beds.
Cheaper than building new hospitals 😂
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Should’ve gone to DFS 😃
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Good point, the government could just buy up bed retailers and turn them into makeshift hospitals… now where is Matt Hancocks phone number.
He was on the box this morning suggesting using hotels as no one is using them at the moment 😂
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If this asteroid is heading for the UK, is there a way to deflect its trajectory into Luton?
That way we can limit the damage to £5.
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There are 2 asteroids heading this way. One will pass at around 3.9million miles, the other at around 2.7million.
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Christus, the Express are scraping the bottom of the barrel. The cunting thing passes us over 4 million miles away. Now if it said the margin of error was 1000 miles then this would be shitpants worthy.
Haven’t they anything more newsworthy? Like Rupert the Bear transitioning or Raggety involved in an inner city drugs heist?
Bag of cunt.
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Sorry 4 million km. Fucking metric.
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What does concern me is when a civilization destroying asteroid does reach us, what are we going to do.
Steal bog roll probably.
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I think that Greta Thunberg should be fired at this asteroid in an attempt to deflect it away from Earth. If the attempt fails then…oh well.
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When she gets fired out of the cannon, we’ll hear ‘You stole our futureeeeee’
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No amount of stockpiling toilet paper is going to sort that out your panic buying hoarding CUNTS!!
I’ve had enough of this bollocks what with the Coronavirus crap now this, I’m gonna try and work out its trajectory and make sure I’m standing directly underneath the cunt if (when) it hits earth…..
Headline ….
miserable cunt killed by comet ☄️
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I know it’s an asteroid but the headline just sounds better than
Uninformed man killed by asteroid 😎
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They should actually make Morgan freeman the president!! He always looks like he knows what he’s talking about
Bring on the freeman….. 😂😂😂
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Are they going to play that bloody Aerosmith song just before we all get vaporised?
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What ‘Love In An Elevator’? Belter!
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As is Liv Tyler….I wouldn’t mind getting an asteroid up the arse as long as I was on top of her at the time.
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Liv Flaherty in Merdedale not bad, either…
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If this is true I will be drawing out my savings and heading B&W cunts brothel, hopefully my heart will pack up before the asteroid hits (or the money runs out)
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It’s true, the express got their reporter to look at it through his kids telescope and the asteroid can be clearly seen, you can even see Elvis on it waving at us uh huh uh. The king of rock is coming home babee……
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I’ll bet the bats are pissing themselves over this. Having great difficulty establishing what is gained by eating deep fried bats? If starving to death or eating bats were the only options, look out bats.
Eating a fried bat or some other odd foodstuff in my experience is wandering into the realms of window licking. Basically some odd Chinese people have a penchant for dining on weird creatures like clams with massive dicks, deep fried bats in fact anything that was or is alive is considered fair game fried, baked, raw still moving does not matter they chow down on the poor fucker. This is unnatural in a non survival situation, Mother Nature in her wisdom has shouted bollocks and released a virulent avenger to punish the naughty chinks for being cuntish. Problem is the whole world is in danger from a situation caused by someone eating bats cos it’s cool. I really will have to up the meds. Bring on the asteroid.
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Oh shit, I was worried abaaaaaht Coronavirus and then this catches us unaware.
There is only one solution…fit rockets to the Flabbot and Ian Blackford… If the Flabbot makes contact she has enough power to divert the Asteroid towards Mars and if Dianne fails Ian Blackford fitted with a megaphone will talk enough repetitive shite abaaaht Scotland to make the Asteroid decide to fuck off elsewhere.
If the fat cunts fails at least we get to see them die before we do.
Piss off.
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Flabbott could roll her eyes and the asteroid would say ‘fuck that for a game of soldiers’.
Just glad I’m not eating at the moment.
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I’d take an asteroid hit over this bastard virus any day. With any luck it will land on China and wipe out those unsanitary motherfuckers who have inflicted chaos on the rest of us poor sods.
Fucking pestilent, slit-eyed cunts!!!
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Would like it to all end myself because 99.99% of the world are emotionally immature, screen-addicted CUNTS.
3
Good old Daily Express. A never-ending source of joy and optimism for all mankind, and the TRUTH about Princess Diana and the aliens from Betelgeuse!
In this instance, as in so many, it’s wrong and has even issued a disclaimer.
Updated 12th.Mar:
https://www.express.co.uk/news/science/1249990/Asteroid-warning-NASA-tracks-4KM-killer-asteroid-hit-Earth-end-civilisation-asteroid-news
On other pages: Arctic Weather Bomb To Freeze Caribbean!
Now can I get back to my collection of soap and facemasks? Thanks.
3
What with one thing and another, 2020 is turning out to be a bit of a cunt.
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The Express… The Express that have done numerous ‘Green Goggle Eyed Aliens Exist! Exclusive Proof!’ stories? You mean that Express?
Oh, my fucking sides…
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I hope it fuckin hits us and wipes out mankind, the Earth will heal itself over time and hopefully eradicate all evidence of our lot and return to the beautiful place it could be without humans.!
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Me me flukkin crever. Me won’t go hung lee. Me been hoardin hundleds of batz,catz and dogz.
Me velly glateful to Bowis and Blittish govvermint for retting us enter uk irregarry to spled vilus.
You go flukkie-frukkie.
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