Claire Montello is indeed, a cunt.
“Who the fuck?”, I hear you ask. Behold! The woman who faced death… DEATH! At the hands of……her bed. Really.
https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/mum-trapped-under-bed-13-21515071.amp
Who would have thought that someone sober could have not only replicated the stupidity of Brian Harvey (depressingly, there’s quite a few: google “run over by his own car”) but have done so with a piece of furniture. So whilst Brexit, Muslim extremism, retarded politicians and fluid people of all descriptions compete to throw fear and doubt into the lives of simple folk, spare a thought for the terror that must disrupt the most simple of tasks.
To think that we’ve become so physically weak, fucking FAT and stupid that we could be killed by a bed. Or a can opener. Or a toothbrush. Or a breath of fresh air.
The mind truly boggles.
To quote an esteemed fellow cunter: This country is fucked.
Nominated by Cuntflap
Heehee!
I like the picture above where shes got a serious face, the media warning of the dangers of beds!
Those soft spring killers of hapless speccy women.
8
5 out of 10 sad face.
Also she has two eyes.
The rest of us have a pair.
3
Jesus fucking Christ that bed looks vicious!
6
Take your arm off Rtc.
Kill more people than saltwater crocodiles, great white sharks and water Buffalo put together.
Especially dangerous in mating season.
6
Well they are dangerous Cuntflap!
I use allen keys everyday and do you know, no ‘do not swallow labels on them!!
I know!
If your average person thought “oh a tasty bag of metal L shapes yum!”
They could get a poorly tummy, and hammers?
Well according to pink Floyd theyre far right,
I wouldnt have a hammer in the house, the nazi bastards.
9
This country truly is fucked, looking at the face on that poe faced space hopper means she cant find anybody to sue for her ineptitude [ maybe her mum should be sued for inflickting this fuckwitt on the world…..].
Bet she was taking a selfie when the bed attacked her….im about to be mauled by my bed LOL……its not the country thats fucked its the world.
12
I was surprised that she was married, then when I found out he was a carer I sort of understood.
9
When Beds Attack!!
Bet she didn’t even fill in a risk assessment. Or read the warning: “The position of your bed can go down as well as up. Seek the advice of a registered sleepgear advisor before operating this bed.”
8
To be fair to Claire, those beds have some kick in the hydraulic arms if you dont push them all the way down the fly up an smack you in the kisser.
Hers rather than punch her decided to eat her like Benson’s for beds version of a anaconda.
Sure she’ll tell a weeping Philip Scofield and Holly the full adventure on morning telly.
5
Didn’t bother reading the article because I was distracted by all the “oh woe is me” photos of her ugly mug!
I suppose she wants a few bob compo? Perhaps even a book? TV show? Film even?
“Zombies:Dawn of the Bed”
“The Evil Bed”
“The Good The Bed and the Ugly”
“The Blair Witch Mattress”
“An American Mattress in London”
…okay, enough of this lame shit.
16
There was a time I had to constantly vomit to survive. Friday nights, Walmersley road. 2 miles of hell. Happy days.
2
How the fuck did she manage to vomit 40, yes 40 times? Was she being fed by a tube during her ordeal?
I smell some Aldridge Prior about this woman.
8
It’s fucking bizarre! She mentioned vomiting with regard to hydrating herself!! Weirder and weirder…
4
“Night of the living bed”.
9
“I had BBC News on loop and it was doing my head in.”
That bit gets my sympathy vote. But not the rest.
6
I read the article with interest. so to abridge the article.
a 39 year old mother of 3 children traps her arm in the storage tray of the bed when a hydraulic ram fails and the bed frame and mattress come crashing down trapping her arm.
she decides to then sit on the bed whilst she awaits rescue from her 61 year old husband who is a care worker.
she induces vomiting to get moisture into her mouth.
She is trapped over night until her husband comes home and unfortunately wets herself.
Now to dissect.
Where were her 3 children during this, not being unkind but she does have one of those special faces that explains her husband being a carer (maybe one who has overstepped the line a little bit and married his charge) .
now to sit on the object that is crushing your arm, well you have to be 50 shades of special to do that, as for the vomit induction to survive, that is a new one on me.
Now I can dissect this with authority because when I was about 4 yrs old I got my knob stuck in a set of draws (I did a forward thrust whilst naked) this was in a time when easy slide draws did not exist and come winter the draws would swell up and stick.
Even as a 4 yr old I had the good sense not to apply pressure to the draw, but scream loudly for help, my Dad came and rescued me.
I have no problem telling you all this because it seems to be the first topic of conversation that my Mother brings up should I introduce her to anyone I know.
13
Sounds like a dodgy excuse in A&E. Knob stuck in drawer, fell on vacuum cleaner/barbie doll/gerbil etc.
7
Strangely enough I have done that too!
I was changing a radiator when the ice plug (using a pipe freezer) failed, I ended up in the floor boards with my finger shoved in a 15mm pipe trying to assemble a pipe freezing clamp with one hand , then crouch there soaking wet for about half an hour waiting for the pipe to freeze.
well I needed a slash badly I also had a wet vac, I also have a foreskin, and pissing into a vac is not a pleasant sensation at all, I did not need hospital treatment but it saved me pissing through my lounge ceiling.
I was 40 something then and about 4 on the first occasion so it is not like it is a regular thing.
sometimes I worry about you
6
Only sometimes?
5
me and a mate had an 8 feet wardrobe fall on us
,the door side meeting the floor trapping us.
To be fair we were 5 years old and had been rocking back and forth in it. No lions or witches,just a life long fear of domestic furniture.
4
the mong should have done a risk management assessment, in triplicate before going anywhere near the bed. Everyone knows that. I do one every time i go to bed, especially if the mrs has her stilettos on.
3
The only thing I feel sorry for is that Bed having to witness some desperate cunt giving her a pounding and having to soak up her blood when it’s that time of the month.
I bet the bed was made in India…if only it was made in Germany she’d be chopped in half.
What a no shame cunt,
Go fuck yourself.
8
I still don’t understand the mechanics of being able to sit on something you have your arm trapped in.
6
I baulk at the thinking not the mechanics, bed weighs 40kg crushing my arm, oh well I had better add another 75kg to that!
6
The whole thing looks doggy, if that is the bed in the photo it is split so I assume only half the bed trapped her and it seems difficult to believe that a fully grown woman can’t lift it enough to free her arm.
If I was cynical I would say…. insurance/compo scam!
5
She looks a dumb fuck and after reading the story it’s confirmed, she is a dumb fuck!
I read the article below this one about a 15 year old…..
Mums terrifying wait to see if 15 year old daughter has Coronavirus, the little snowflake has come home from skiing in Italy and is self isolating in her bedroom, after 2 days “it’s getting to her”, fuck me the poor little darling.
And what’s terrifying, if the little snowflake does have the virus all the data so far suggests that the under 20s will hardly notice it.
Bloody media will make a meal out of fuck all, daily mirror wankers!
5
The Daily Mirror deserves another cunting. Half a century ago it was a good newspaper- Marge Proops, Garth,Andy Capp, The Perishers – Bliss. Now it would appear to be a sub Guardian pile of shit. A day or so ago it sought to compare the bliss of Boris getting another woman up the duff with the sorrow of one of his ex wive’s mother croaking. Doubtless, if the old biddy had parted this life in a few days the Mirror would have claimed that Boris got M I whatever to infect her with the dreaded Coke Cola virus.
2
Is that Guy Verhofstadt?
6
no it’s his love child (fuck knows what he loved)
2
I thought it might be a new EU directive. Stay in bed as long as you can, especially if you’re a leeching, mooching, parasitic Dooshka-Mooshka layabout on benefit.
5
Clearly as stupid as she is ugly!!
After making a complete cunt of herself you would think the last thing she would want to do is broadcast it to the world? Oh well I suppose she’s had her “ Andy Warhol “ 15 minutes but at the cost of her self respect and dignity ( if she actually ever had any) , Probably got a few quid off mirror so she can now slide back into obscurity with her new 50” smart flatscreen and 2 week all inclusive in Tenerife care of the mirror group …..
What’s next week mirror headline?
Small man crushed by large gas bill ?
CUNTS
8
Nice one Cuntflapper, to be fair that bed does look pretty fucking vicious.
2
Ffs. It makes assaulting Pegasus bridge in the wee small hours look easy.
She is truly a brave wummin.🙄
2
I am confused about the picture.
The lids that are lifted up, does one sleep inside the box?
2
It is so absurd, it’s almost like something out of Python.
She looks a windowlicker, anyway. Kept making herself sick to stay alive ?? I guess she had a mirror handy… Sort of Poundland Sarah Bernhardt.
Beware of The Easy Chairs…they don’t take no hostage, man.
2
Joking apart…
If you buy one of these Ottoman beds, make sure it doesn’t conceal an Abu or Mo trying to get into your house and ravage your goats / dogs / wimmin &c….
Sort of modern Trojan Horse…
3
I’d certainly rather fuck yesterday’s Claire.
2
I walked into a nasty wall today, repeatedly – it really hurt!
It did not move or take any account of my rights or anything.
Might sue, bad wall.
FUCK ME GET A LOAD OF THIS! COMING YOUR WAY
https://youtu.be/2aywnksDOUc
6
That video must be fake. It’s like the clowns-exiting-a-car film except 50 Ooga-Doogas editing a transit van.
“Ooga…not many traffics he-re. Ooga.”
“Dooga! Where is white woman?”
4
On the note of Dooga’s , anyone heard about the new tv show Nought’s and Crosses? .For those who haven’t heard about it basically blacks have colonized Britain and are the upper classes and the whites are the servants , basically we are there slaves . To add insult to injury our good friend Stormzy is on the advert telling everyone to watch it.
4
Ironically, written by a black woman called Blackman, just confuse things.
3
Slaves that are all of the same ethnicity! That’s so progressive!! Someone should tell these cunts nobody did more than Britain and the USA to end the trade in owning human slaves – but don’t expect them to listen.
2
And it’s on the BBC !
2
Moggie, I like Blackman and signed a lot of petitions for his release.
Sormzy isnt a cunt, he is beyond comprehension on many levels, his backers are the cunts I would look out for, and that aint racist they are probably white.
2
Not sure who you’re talking about? Malorie Blackman, author of this pile of shit, is a woman.
2
I have loaded the four pounder and the Black Pig is rolling down the slipway!
Definitely not MNC driving that white van!
3
I’m just going to put this out there:
An asteroid is heading for earth, you have an hour live, you wander into this womans house seeking some kind of human contact in your final minutes, you see this woman with her arm trapped in the bed…would you or wouldn’t you?
2
I’d pour myself a large johnny walker light a cig stand at the back door looking at the sky and think to myself ahh well at least it wipes all the blacks and lefties and trans out . I’d take a good sip of whisky and a good smoke and my last words would be simply CUNT.
7
I had this happen to me.
The plane was running out of fuel, the pilot foolishly announced the fact.
I looked at the MRS smiled and held her hand, after the landing I released that I was old, maybe 20 years before i would have suggested a final fuck
3
I would be too busy dropping Lithping Litha off at MNC’s!
Damned asteroids, had one Years ago and the bugger broke a cam follower!
Actually, I think that may have been an Astra..
4
Sort of related to this thick cunt…I can’t help but notice there are a lot of thick women out there. I am currently looking for a worthy female companion to share my company, intelligence and knowledge of fine cuisine and culture.
I’ve met a few and they are a bit thick and don’t have a clue abaaaht fine food etc.
Some are worthy of a pounding, some even a arsehole tonguing but I soon get bored and fed up with their lack of intelligence.
I don’t expect a woman to match me as I am a one off but at least a bit of intelligence wouldn’t go amiss.
Go fuck yourselves.
5
If this is a lonely hearts ad then you have the wrong site. Unless Nurse Cunty or Betty Swollocks are up for it, and I wouldn’t be too sure about Betty being a Betty if you get my drift. The arsehole tonguing may be a deal breaker there.
4
I’ve wondered whether Betty swollocks is Prince ‘I don’t sweat’ Andrew.
Nurse Cunty and I discussed romance but we both agreed it would get the way of our career’s as cunters.
5
Oi, you cheeky fucker! I’m a Betty alright. Just a foul-mouthed one.
5
Apologies if I misgendered you. I am a fucker for hate crime.
3
I’ll put the word abaaaht for you B&WC!
And, in their defence – if it wasn’t for thick Women I would have had a lot less sex!
“Are ya really related to Royalty”?
“Why yes – my Nephew’s a massive Queen”!
“Did you go to University to qualify as a fanny inspector”..
“No – I just licked it up as I went along”..
Unfortunately the good lady is far too intelligent and cynical to fall for this nonsense so I have to rely on being gorgeous, witty and charming.
Singular lack of success on that one! 😄
6
I expect Mr Fiddler has a huge great four poster in his bed chamber.
5
It probably opens, just like the one above, to reveal a stone staircase leading to the treasure room under his castle.
6
What a thick fucking munter. It’s just a pity Serena Williams didn’t jump up and down on the mattress, and finish the cunt off.
4
We should take these reports more seriously. Haven’t you watched ‘Death Bed – The Bed That Eats’ (1977)? I bought the DVD and it’s a load of shit.
My bed’s a king-size Hülsta. It was made in Germany and I don’t trust it an inch.
7
Doesn’t look graced with the greatest of intelligence.
She must have a good solicitor, getting her to wear that ridiculous sling the size of the Titanic dry dock for media effect.
As the Village People sang: “Compo, compo, man! I’m gonna need, some compo ma-an!”
3