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It is with regret that the admin team announces the first person in the UK has succumbed to Covid 19, The patient had many underlying health issues but alas is no longer with us, so a few facts.

Covid 19 is not as bad as it seems, to catch it well it is a virus, Think of a jelly bean, that is it a little packet of problems hiding in a fatty case, it does well in the cold as it will not dehydrate and die, again the old adage coughs and sneezes spreads diseases applies.

If you are of good health then you have no need to worry, we are not talking about a plague, It is a relative of the flu family, you will survive it is no big issue.

The government is recommending a 1 meter exclusion rule, this is useful to protect yourself, those most at risk will probably carry some form of mobility aid, so we the admin team suggest that poking sniffy oiks with a walking stick to be an adequate form of viral defense.

However in respect to the age Diaspora and opinion’s of those of the site It is unlikely that any of you will engage in conversation with a carrier.

meanwhile, why the fuck is there no paracetamol and toilet roll in asda!

A pubic announcement on behalf of Admin

132 thoughts on “Breaking News”

    • Gvnmnt should appoint Dick to role of Oik-Poker Poursuivant.
      That’ll learn them.

    • I believe newspaper cut into squares & hung on a nail used to be a viable alternative to loo roll ?
      That or by a roll of kitchen towel & cut it in half with a bread knife – that’s what I do if I run out 🙂

      I also find that alchohol is a more effective pain reliever than any white pill

  2. People avoid me anyway so no need of a sharp stick. I have fire bombed the local Chinese takeaway as a civic duty to minimise risk.
    Fortunately no need to panic buy as I have a garage full of Brexit stocks, although the tomatoes and lettuce are now looking decidedly dodgy.
    Fuck the rest of you.

  3. Calmed me down that admin thanks, i was filling the loft wi bog roll.
    Ive heard it can turn you chinese?

    • I would like to say that I have seen it all now but something tells me that it is not the case.
      We are truly fucked!
      No, realistically you are more likely to die of a skateboarding accident

    • Heehee ‘wrong’ toilets and funny looks indeed. I wondered why I was getting death stares after skidding up the Morrisons disabled bay, you fucking bigots.

      • I’m trapped in my kitchen by 1000 tines of baked beans that Mrs T has fetched.
        Oh the humanity!

      • Surely so many baked beans may be a liability if you can’t source toilet rolls ? ?

  5. We are all fuckin’ doomed anyway. America and Australia have got to grips with it by stopping flights coming in to their country.
    Fuckin’ Boris’s advice? Wash your hands! The restrictions on people coming in to this country are virtually non existent. Goodbye fair world, goodbye.

      • PPS And if you believe the one person who has died had underlying health issues, then you are really gullible. Are you a government official?
        Don’t come crying to me when it all goes pear shaped.

        who or what we are is of no concern to you or any one else, you did not fall for the Brexit Bullshit why fall for this? if your personal health is good, you will walk through it, if not take precautions it as simple as that.

      • What are your qualifications for saying this?

        Porton down collective protection system qualified, is that enough?

      • Admin, is porton down the thing with the rabbits?
        Bright eyes burning like fire, bright eyes how could the light that burn so brightly suddenly seem so pale…
        😢

      • Hate the film, book and that song.
        Watership ‘rabbit killing’ Down, a film made by cunts to make kids cry.

      • Marks and Spencer have been selling a six-legged, red-eyed Easter Bunny cake.
        Apparently, people are vewy fwightened.
        Twats.

      • Never seen the film or read the book, but the trailer made me cry. 😭

      • Agree with admin that civilization will survive this not so deadly plague, but a couple of points worth raising. It appears the mortality rate increases in line with the age of the patient, latest analysis suggests around 1% for those in their 50s rising to nearer 10% for over 80s. Older cunters might wish to consider limiting their potential exposure. Expect a very sharp rise in UK cases by the end of March. If you think this is BS watch for news coming out of Devon (2 current cases) in the coming days.
        One thing regarding the epidemiology has been puzzling me, the relatively slow progress of the disease in Hong Kong, Singapore and Japan. The most likely reason for this in my opinion is that those societies have no stigma attached to wearing facemasks, and had a massive increase in the practise early in the cycle. Best not pay attention to politicians who tell you that masks do not work, and that hand washing will be effective in slowing the spread, I believe the opposite to be true. Time will tell cunts.

      • Here’s another “prediction” for you; reported Chinese cases will start to rise again soon with new epicentres. You read it here first.

      • Cunts in Hong Kong, Singapore and Japan don’t go around kissing each other like they do in Italy and other parts of Europe.

  6. I’m sick to death hearing about this virus , fuck the virus ,iv’e been dead nearly 3 times , glassed on the side of my neck and stabbed in the abdomen so as far as i’m concerned this clovid 19 can go fuck itself. bring on the fucking meteor !

    • fuck me you must have been popular! I only managed to get hospitalized once in two wars

      • I’ll tell you a funny story (well i found it funny) , i was in Israel travelling on the bus down to Tel Aviv . I was sat on the aisle seat minding my own business in my desert combat shorts on when a big bunch of IDF guys got on , the bus was full so they all had to stand up . They wasn’t very old and you could see they were still kids , anyway long story short the young lad stood up beside me had his AR 15 pointing right at my head . The young lad was totally oblivious to where he had his weapon until one of his mates had to point it out to him and tell him to lower his weapon . Would have been interesting to see what happened if we went over a bump. I’d have given him his bullet back though 😃

      • I have a friend who worked there I the 80,s Scots bloke worked with the Druze militia.
        for the life of me .
        rod morgan.
        109 zng and 108 hvo lost his foot on a mine.

  7. I have had to endure the “when it comes” scenario.
    I have difficulty getting into the bathroom due to the stock pile of toilet roll.
    The cupboards are full to the brim with tinned foods (some of which I would not eat even at pain of death).
    I seem to have more ibrufin and asprin than my old schools med center and this is planning ahead?
    Well I have been here before and my plan was to pop round next door after they snuff it and take all of their stuff, you can tell the MRS hasn’t done this before.
    Any well, bog roll? you all know the plenty of water in the tap, adage? exactly.

  8. If no one had ever heard of Corona virus but it was here it would just be a small spike in normal flu. Get a fucking grip people.

    • There’s a vaccine for normal flu which dramatically reduces the annual death toll. There is no vaccine for Corbyn-19 and won’t be for at least another year, which is why people are right to be concerned and cautious, not that I give a bat’s arse.

  9. If you’ve doubts about the seriousness of this virus, tune into Sir Nigel’s phone in on LBC. Come on, have you ever known Nigel to be wrong?

    Bertie,
    Calm down, seriously!
    Uncle cunt is a friend of Nigel, and it is nothing that this site has not mentioned, a punch through and spread on the Greece border, You are safe unless you have underlying health issues, ( hence the walking stick hint) so relax, enjoy your Allen keys and calm down, there is no conspiracy.

      • Evening Bertie.

        The experts say we’re all going to die horribly in 11 years anyway (or is it 10 now?) so what the hell.

        Just wash your fucking hands and sing ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ backwards twice and you’ll be fine, trust me I’m a doctor.

      • Evening Ruff one. I’m actually expecting the asteroid to get me when it hits on the 29th April!

      • Litha Nandy told me…..” How do you think the unthinkable….with an itheberg”

    • I don’t think it’s entirely true that anybody in good health won’t die from this. The doctor who first spotted it died didn’t he? Plus the major outbreaks have occurred in totalitarian countries and the information coming out is totally unreliable.

  10. I will never apologise for being a colossal fucking pedant .. when it suits me. But this should read “it does well in the cold as it will not hydrate and die”, it’s water offs this little fucker, after you peel the little cunt that is. Hmmm moist.
    valid point but a normal detergent will destroy the fatty cells surrounding the virus even E45 will work

  11. Our local Asda never has fuck all of anything – so many things gooutof stock, oronly bent cans left. The only thing they never run out of is fucking “Radio Asda” which is blasted out of shitty speakers, amateur disc jockey’s playing records by the bores and whores of the pop world. As regards Coronavirus Wireless 4 is really trying to ramp up the panic.

    • The media (TV, Radio, Papers) do love bad news, don’t they.

      Brexit gloom & doom, floods forcing little old ladies out their bungalow – they can’t get enough.

      This virus has them literally wetting themselves with excitement.
      Sky News is one of the worst. They now have a full hour at 6pm “Coronavirus – GLOBAL EMERGENCY !”

      FFS – they’re going on about people emptying the supermarket shelves… they are one’s causing Panic. Whipping the public up into a nervous frenzy – Wankers.

      Best to assume you’re gonna get it. If 6 months pass & your clear – bonus !

  12. If the government was serious about preventing the spread of this virus, they would have brought in measures to match those already in place to stop rabies.

    correct but it is a fucking good look over here scam

  13. Elvis Presley only ever spoke about the higher end supermarkets, Waitrose, Mark’s and Spencer’s etc. Never a mention for the so called budget stores, a supermarket snob.
    A Lidl-less conversation a little more Asda please….

    • Already in less than a few hours it has already surpassed the 10,000 signatures milestone, it looks like it will be way past the 100k required for debate by the end of the evening.

      Interesting to see the map trend already though, amazingly areas like London, Birmingham and Leicester, to name a few, are all amazingly quiet compared to the majority of the country. Who’d have thought it?

      • The Muslim council of GB are are at it again, Islamophobia in the Conservative party….. bla bla bla.

        They need to get it right, it’s not a phobia, it’s real….. if every fucker could tell the truth, the fear is real not irrational….

        Fuck off Muslim Council, bunch of cunts!

      • Signed, here’s hoping it doesn’t get whitewashed / swept under the usual carpet.

      • Signed, sorted – I would be most interested to dissect that whitewash, er, report.
        Todays Al Beeb “news”?
        Whining Syrians, letterbox porker whining about smart motorways, some non entity from the muslim council of Great Britain whining about the non existent “islamophobia” in the UK, yawn.
        Do we have a Christian Council of Greta Britain? Jewish? Sikh? Hindu? An atheist council of Great Britain?
        Oh well, time for the completely balanced, impartial and balanced “Questions we will allow you to ask” time.

    • I think I must be on a hit list because it doesn’t like my main email, good job I have a back up
      Government Cunts!

    • signed. keep the,well,was going to say faith but you know what i mean

    • Signed – – might (hopefully) be a catlytic document if it ever is released in its FULL and UNREDACTED form.

  15. A most timely and thoughtful public announcement Admin.
    Perhaps it’s time some of our older cunters thought abaaaht writing a Will and including is a cunt in it.
    I am more than happy to put forward my bank account details which could act as a holding account for those most generous old cunters who remember is a cunt in their will.

    • Are you angling for the deeds to Fiddler Towers and its vast Northumbrian estate B&WC?

      • I think Mr Fiddler should do the right thing and donate all his estate to is a cunt. All I ask for my share is a big field to grow some Weed in. After all he is 73 years old now…😬

      • That sounds fair B&W, Miserable wants his Gemma Arterton porn stash, I think you would appreciate his vintage whiskey collection and his Spanish doubloons from great uncle Fiddlers expeditions to the New World can be divvied up amongst the rest.

      • Bertie both fiddler and Rtc have me as a beneficiary in their wills.
        I strongly suggest you do the same.
        Peace of mind knowing its in safe hands and wont be squandered sillily by some of the younger more frivolous cunters.
        Anyone else needs peace of mind im willing to peruse all wills for fellow cunters, maybe redraft a few.
        Yours selflessly
        Miserable.

      • Thanks mate. It’s at times like this that you appreciate your friends!
        😀

      • Yeah i wondered about that, miss him, he was a good fit on here i thought? I liked him.

      • Of course Bertie, Percy will always have a perch at Chez Liberal. I will take him to the beer garden of the local during the summer where he will have free range to insult the elderly, fat, disabled, small children…..

      • You need to broaden your horizons Miserable. Guy Lumbago rules! 👍👍👍

    • I shall leave you my favourite blunderbuss B&WC – provided the good lady hasn’t used it on me first!
      And I intend to live to a ripe old age so I can collect as much of the pension I have grafted my b*llocks off for as possible! 😁

  16. For reference though, what triggered moderation on that previous post? I hope it was due to it containing multiple links and not the use of any word.

  17. Question: Is this virus going to affect my ability to access internet porn?

      • Question: If there’s no bog roll available how should I deposit the er…effluence?

      • I find rubber gloves and K-Y jelly very effective.
        So long as I remember the army surplus gas mask when I go shopping in Albany Rd….

    • the govermint have suggested that you stop swapping keyboards and mouse – until it’s safe!

  18. Whats all this with cunts buying all the bog rolls, does this sniffle virus thing make you shit yourselves or what?
    Get a fucking grip you brainwashed cunts

    • Black and White’s girlfriends don’t have to worry about buying toilet paper.
      He’s doomed I tell you, doomed.

    • yeah – we know who ate the pies but who ate the bog rolls – lou rawls maybe???

  20. Reminds me of when I worked in retail and the panic that ensues whenever there was a light dusting of snow and then all the sliced bread disappeared off of the shelves. Now, I’m pretty certain that sliced bread isn’t the only foodstuff that is able to sustain life in a perceived crisis. Crusty loaves in the bakery for days though oddly enough, all the better for me. Sweaty panicking cunts.

  21. If I may add some advice.
    Only wash your hands once a day preferably before leaving the house.
    Touch everything more than you normally would.
    If you feel ill don’t self isolate, go to a rave or swimming pool.
    Leave 25% of your will to Black and White Cunt.
    And finally… Go fuck yourselves.😁

  22. Fuck’s sake, did ISAC become a subsidiary of the BBC, or sold to the Twitter group and I didn’t hear about it or something?

    Here I am posting a link to a newly added petition on the official government website no less, demanding that same government release the report, on the cases of what rhymes with looming tangs, and it gets moderated and removed before it sees the light of day. Can’t help but feel a little dismayed.

    • Sorry, ignore me, I’m a cunt. I see the post in question is now there. I might have arrived from a different tab I’m thinking now and lost the “awaiting moderation” message display. Feel free to cunt me back.

  23. Most shocking is you did not notice the pubic announcement you are all so hyped up.
    However Globally more humans have killed humans than covid 19 (h or L) the virus can and will mutate, unfortunately having grown up in the hysteria of threads (the film) and the final day (film) you are too happy to believe, which in my opinion puts you in line with chicken liken and generation snow flake.
    I thought better of you all when I took this appointment.
    take it on the chin, stand up and be British!

    • I had ‘red’ flu back in the mid seventies and survived, does that count 👍

  24. Anyone wanna buy some toilet rolls and some hand gel? £10 a roll £15 a bottle. Bargain.
    Seriously though local Savers has run out of the gel that does fuck all and put the prices up yet again to £5 for 50ml. Cunts.
    Some dippy bints at work are fretting all over the place and we have seminars on how to fit a face mask and take it off .
    Fuck it I’m off to Venice whilst there are fuck all tourists about.

  25. A bigger threat than this fucking virus is the panic buying cunts stripping the shelves because they think the apocalypse is here. I popped into Asda to pick up a few essentials (cat food and gin), and it was roofed with the poor of the parish running amok with trollies. Selfish thick fucking cunts.

  26. I still cannot grasp why the elderly are more at risk. Generally they smell of stale piss, and are given a very wide berth anyway.

    Chris Whitty is a cunt.

  27. I had a massive wank there using hand sanitizer because I’d run out of lube. Shot a blizzard of jizz. Will I be okay??

  28. Personally, I could barely summon up a single fuck. I was exposed to all sorts when nursing, so I will take my chances before I start donning the hazmat suit and goggles.

    My only concern is my Mum and Dad, both nearly 80 and my Mum having existing lung issues. But even they are not buying up the whole of fucking ASDA, Superdrug and Boots. In fact, my Mum came back from Sainsbury’s this afternoon complaining heavily about the fact that ‘those panic-buying fuckers have cleaned out the Nescafe Gold Blend’….

    Yes, those were the actual words.

    • Bless her heart Nurse, she got her language mixed up there didn’t she?
      I believe she meant ‘panic buying wankers’ but hey, not to worry.

      • Indeed SH.

        To add to her annoyance, there was a cry of, ‘FUCKIN’ ‘ELL!’ from her as she rifled through her packet sauce mixes to find she had picked up ‘four fuckin’ cheddar cheese sauces’ when she wanted a couple of parsley sauces.

        Today was a very bad day for her…….

  29. My local Co-op are trying to cash in on the hysteria, first thing I saw when I went in today, A massive stack of toilet rolls 😁

    Never seen them on promotion before, Cunts!

  30. This virus should find a happy home in the House of Lords, if there’s any justice.
    I can’t wait to tune in to the live broadcast, from our own correspondent, Ron Knee and his live camera crew …………..

    ” Welcome back viewers, here we are at ….. Oh look !! They’re bringing another stretcher out, that’s the fourteenth today. I could be wrong, but it looks like Lord Fatwallet of Spunktrumpet, rumour has it that he was only in there for a couple of minutes, to sign his expenses chit for the day, before going to Claridges for lunch, and the virus pounced before he could get a taxpayer subsidised double brandy from the bar. That really is dashed bad luck.
    Will we be adding him to the already long and tragic list of HOL deaths, which already stands at 437 ?
    Only time will tell.
    Now back to the sport, Brian ………………………. “

    • Nice one Jack. If Ron goes down with a dose of it, you’d make a great replacement.

      • Thank you Bertie. But let us hope that ‘ Our Ron ‘ has a long and illustrious career.

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