Tinder ;(2)

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An “I’m desperate and I’d fuck owt with a pulse” cunting please, for the wankshafts at Tinder. News just in, as they add a PANIC BUTTON to the app:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-51218336

Yes, me neither, but apparently it will “enable users to alert emergency services and transmit highly accurate location data”.

I’m sure the emergency services are delighted. This will work perfectly – no accidental false alarms, no trivial calls and no diversion of resources.

I can imagine it now: “Lads, forget the murder at No. 45 and the ongoing kiddie-fiddling at No. 23, someone on Tinder has hit the fucking PANIC BUTTON. Location coming in…the bike shed just down by the knackers yard. Apparently a woman is FUMING that the gent in question has asked her to pay half the McDonald’s bill. Attend pronto!”

What could possibly go wrong?

I hear there’s a far more effective panic button out there…its called the ‘X’ in the top right hand corner of your screen.

Tinder…you are a cunt.

Nominated by GeneralZod

75 thoughts on “Tinder ;(2)”

  1. So if they add this to Grindr a squad car full of coppers will arrive brandishing their truncheons?

    Over to you Krav.

  3. Can you hit the panic button if you meet the bird and she turns out to be an absolute swamp donkey?

    • no but you could probably give them bad feedback, anyway do you look at the mantelpiece when you are poking the fire?

      • Reminds me of an unfortunate conversation I had with my Dad as a Junior adult,.
        He was an ex navy fighter fitter and I was a tank man (child).
        Dad “do you understand the double bagging principle?”
        ME, (Big grin) erm yes surprised you know.
        Dad stops talking and looks at me “Explain the double bagging principle!”
        Me, “well dad its like this, you pull an ugly bird, take her home and when you get busy you put a bag over head, and then one over yours in case hers comes off” (hence the term double bagger for certain ladies).
        My Dad just looked at me and said, ” do you know what it really means?”, truthfully that was my understanding.
        He then explained to me that the double bagging principle was used on cold goods purchased in the US, goods were packed in paper bags and the condensation would degrade the bag in store, so the trick was to have the goods survive the journey to the car and not break in the store so no refund.
        I do not know which one is true, I would neither question the wisdom of my boss or the knowledge of my father ( long gone and spread to the earth)

  4. Not that I would know anything about casual sex apps, but tinder have really pushed the boundaries with their app.
    They are launching the blue tick verification system where you must match a pose and facial expression shown to you and this is cross referenced to your profile photo, This stops mongers and weirdos putting up false profiles, and lets face it a fuck is a fuck, so when you turn up she may look like Dianna Abbot but she is going to put out so why waste the journey.
    The panic button is not such a bad idea, you will remember a number of murders directly related to tinder and grinder, so I wouldn’t knock it

    Me thinks there might be some sour grapes behind this nomination.

  5. Glad that I don’t participate or even have the need or want to do so.

    OK I suppose if your a bloke and the pool of poontang is a bit dry and your nuts are like a couple of tins of Fussells Condensed Milk, clanking together between your legs. I bet there are some right mad old harridans on there seeking to become airtight and then marriage the very next day.

    Same for the blokes, serial adulterers or nutters.

    I do know a couple who met on Tinder, married and had kids. So I suppose some good things may come of it.

  6. There’s a number on which you can pretend to order a pizza. Certain toppings are keywords signalling danger. Presumably instead of a spotty kid arriving on a moped with an 18″ meat feast you instead get a squadron of spotty kids arriving in squad cars.
    Similar thing in some pubs. If your app date brings an axe you can ‘ask for Angela’ at the bar or something. The bar staff then know to laugh at you for being a sad lonely cunt.

    • No such things as ‘birds’ anymore, you’re so 1970’s.
      They must now be referred to as non-binary avian entities

  8. Anyone who needs an app to get laid is a CUNT and probably on the path to LGBTQ transitioning – wankers!

    • I would strongly disagree, I appreciate that love comes in to it, but a straight up “fancy a fuck” is not the best chat up line.
      However deluding the opposite sex into thinking that this brief collision is the start of a brilliant future is the height of cuntitude, I tend to be straight up.
      I had a hair cut on saturday and suggested that the lady might like to ride my face, Guess what!
      I have the doors double locked and have to leave via the back door, Apps are good.

      • If you just wanna fuck, then go to a whore, statistically less likely to have an STD or ‘da aids’,
        Why chance some whore on an app who probably has consumed more cum than Marc Almond, Graham Norton, & Katie Price combined and probably has had the operation, a fake hole that smells of shit, LGBQT people will never tell you that, it’s why LGBTQ men who have become ‘waman’ are 42% more likely to commit suicide 🙂

  9. Tinder a desperate plays for desperate people , if you have to use social media to get a fuck your at the bottom of the barrel. Therefore stay home and wank you sad cunt . Fuck of weirdos

  10. I hate that TV ad for ‘Elite Singles’. Emphasising ‘for Professionals’. Such smarmy smiles they have and a superior sense of themselves.

    • I know what you mean MP. The women are always really good looking and it’s obviously not like that… desperate attempt to get people signing up.

      • “professionals” any cunt who works in an office, sits behind a desk or uses a computer.

        Basically anyone who is not on the doal, works behind a till, packs shit in boxes or drives a delivery truck/lorry/taxi or Uber

  11. Have been thinking abaaaaaht going on Tinder for a while. I’m so busy with work and living in two cities that I rarely get time to get aaaaht and chat some woman up.
    Of course I’ll only need to put a picture of me on it and I’m sure I’ll be swamped with women wanting some of the good stuff.
    Not sure if want the hassle, however I’m not getting any younger so I might get stuck in.
    A mate of mine is on it and he has a abaaaaaht 3-4 women in the go… dunno if I could be bothered with the bother. One or two will be enough, then again I’d always be wondering if she was a slag and had some lesser man’s spunk remnants on her face as she turns up to share my company.
    Go fuck yourselves.

    • I would have thought you’d be well up on this already B&W and using it to get some of the low hanging fruit.

      I like to picture you as a bit like Mr Luvva Luvva himself.

      • Nah not tried it yet HS, I’m sure there are decent ladies on there, looking for a relationship but my guess is a lot are on there being slags.
        Too old to shagging around with slappers.

    • Evening Black and White. So you’re splitting your time between two places now?

      I suppose it’s a tale of two Clities?

      • Evening Bertie, yep in between cities now.
        Got busines interests in both, it can be stressful not knowing where you left stuff and only spending a few days or so in each place. Could be worse though.

      • I think you might have misread that! – two CLITIES ,

        i.e. a cunt in every port. Oh hell! Have it your way!
        😀

      • Unbelievable season so far Bertie, it’s kind of surreal. I really can’t see us losing a game in the league. Klopp really has built a true team and long may it continue.

  12. A possible income generating sideline for is a cunt…
    http://www.wantsomecunt.com.
    Could be a winner…get the app and meet up.
    If she’s a boring cunt at least you can talk abaaaaaht cunting.
    Go fuck yourselves.

  13. I arranged a surprise bukakki party for the mother in law.
    Everybody came, you should’ve seen her face….

  14. I used this about 6 years ago and you never know quite what you’re letting yourself in for.

    A couple of them set alarm bells ringing for a couple of different reasons – one of them basically said she used it because she gets bored in the week and likes being wined and dined on the cheap. Cheap for her but not anyone else.

    One of them – I’m sorry to be a judgmental cunt, but her pictures were about 5 years old and a couple of stone lighter.

    I did meet a couple that were alright but nothing serious tbh – got a shag out of it a few times. Oh and I never gave them my address.

    Could be worse I ended up on a same sex date!

    • admin: Yeah I hate it when sex is samey, ask him to role play next time.

      Lets just say it was awkward and you miss gendered me.

    • Yes I’d agree that’s worse.

      I met one girl who said that she didn’t want to go out with someone who already had kids as she wants her own one day……
      Saw her about a month later with a guy that had two young kids! 🤣

      • Don’t worry I went on a date with a lady that had advertised on the “quick fuck” site and sat through a dinner being grilled on my parenting skills ( 0 ) we both thought that we were up for it but not the follow on so we left it.

  16. Oh fuck me, plenty of fish and white label dating! I knew someone who clicked the naughty pond on plenty of fish that threw them into a whole new world

  20. Dear cunters,some advice is needed.
    An agency worker (carpet kissing um bongo drinker) is bullying me at work. Am getting zero support from management. I really do not want to go in tommorow. Spoke to the regional manager who knows he’s a cunt ( and more or less told me this) and said he would do something about it. Said um bongo drinker uses the staff handover to personally attack me. Today I let rip at the smarmy smelly loud mouthed gob shite carpet kissing CUNT. He is crap at his job, can not my job as he is not legally permitted to do my role (failed the course) so does a lesser skilled role. Is for ever trying to undermine me and my work.
    My role involves working closely with a professor who deals with my most complex patients. Um bongo said,in an open forum: You do not need to listen to the professor, he just works here!

    I had to report that he was going in the dark at 2:10 pm,behind two locked doors with a female member of staff.

    He is now out to get me.

    Advice,please…

    • Play the homophobic card and if need be the anti-Semite card, you have to fight dirty with these cunts because they wouldn’t think twice.

    • Sorry to hear this Krav, sounds bad, you need to tread carefully with your temper, and keep a diary, times, dates, witnesses etc
      Dont know if your a member of a union but if so file a complaint most have legal help on hand, employment law etc
      He might play the race card, if you get a sniff of it might be worth playing him at his own game, throw a antisemitism card in, know it not nice, but its your livelihood.

      • If all else fails I know of a gruff Northumbrian gentleman, he can make it look like a hunting accident.

    • Errr, man up. Do not use the race or homophobic cards. Doing so makes you as bad as the libtards and general snowflakes that we moan about on here. Look him right in the eyes and tell the cunt straight, that you’re shagging his brother.

    • Fox the workplace bastard says: I had an issue with some slimy lying c*nt managers where I worked – bullying, f*cking for promotions and constant racial abuse towards white people, and never anything said and witnesses too afraid to report it.
      So, I got a portable recording device and began to secretly gather evidence – f*ck me did I get a lot! I kept recording, and on occasion would bait the lead instigator knowing the filthy little b*stard would start, and he did, every time – sweeet!
      Called a meeting, complaining about the racist abuse, fucker denied everything, sat there with a smirk until I produced the recording and “insisted” they listen to every one of the 29 solid minutes of racial abuse, threats and hatred. Management, being the pieces of s*it they were, told me I was not allowed to record at work, being quite well versed in law I took them to school, college then university. Boyo sacked on the spot and removed by security (crying), three managers gone, and a grovelling apology from the big boss who “had no idea this was going on”. My f*cking arse he didn’t!
      So, secret recording is the order of the day and always keep a copy – get enough evidence and always wind the subject up by stating you believe he is being racist and homophobic – he will hang himself eventually. Wait until your enemy is at their weakest then strike, hard.
      My advice? Fight dirty and play the victim – they always will!
      Good luck Sir!

    • Sorry to read about this, Krav. As has been said, document everything. Unless you or Um Bongo leaves, this will eventually end up in the hands of HR. They weren’t there and didn’t witness anything (unless you’re really lucky), so documentation is absolutely key. If you have a confidant or two, ask them to counter-sign a statement which documents an incident or several. Lastly, if it exists, get hold of a copy of the employee handbook or whatever it might be called. It should document how to file a complaint or grievance. If what is going on is illegal or at a minimum contrary to company conduct policy, there’s your in as it were.

      Don’t retaliate or give the bastard any grounds to point the finger at you. Remember, people who do this are a sandwich short of a picnic. No need to poke the bear. Rise above it and you will come out ahead.

      All the best to you. Cheers – IY.

    • Yep I agree with the big man Earl. My mrs had similar thing years ago, all I can say is log the fuck out of EVERYTHING – dates, times, locations, any witnesses etc. Best way to play it I found (I wrote a lot of this stuff up for her) is to play it completely neutral, just record stuff exactly as it happens, don’t embellish it just let the cuntishness speak for itself if it goes to a tribunal or similar, eventually it builds up a picture (and never, ever lose your rag even though it can be fucking difficult). Acas were very good in her case:
      https://www.acas.org.uk/if-youre-treated-unfairly-at-work/being-bullied
      Employers CANNOT let this shit fly anymore, they have to deal with it.

    • Play the long game,Krav. Good advice to keep a record of all incidents and just let him dig his own hole. Give him the odd sly nudge to do something that you can record….whatever you do,don’t lose your temper,just keep subtly winding him up.
      Be sly and circumspect…work out what gets under his skin and quietly play on it. Just don’t get into a slanging match…make sure that you’re the “victim”.

    • * Edited for bad word…..

      Play the long game,Krav. Good advice to keep a record of all incidents and just let him dig his own hole. Give him the odd sly nudge to do something that you can record….whatever you do,don’t lose your temper,just keep subtly winding him up.
      Be sly …work out what gets under his skin and quietly play on it. Just don’t get into a slanging match…make sure that you’re the “victim”

      • Excellent advice DF – bullies are usually egomaniacs and very thin skinned, more than one way to skin a twat, as they say!

      • As a notoriously thin-skinned,egotistical bully I like to think that I know the game, V.F.

        🙂 .

    • Tell the cunt to get back to the plantation, make it clear that cotton ain’t going to pick itself. Then sing mammy & ole man river, and if he plays the race card tell the uppity wôg you once snogged a black man so you ain’t no raaacist!

      Good luck.

    • Why does an agency worker have such influence?
      I can’t really imagine you Krav being bullied. Are you sure he doesn’t have something on you?

  23. My only advice, in addition to the above, is only play the anti semite or the gay card if you have strong evidence/witnesses who will testify in your favour. Too many employment cases fall over when accusations cannot be backed up.

    If you have clear evidence that his cuntishness is borne out of his prejudices then nail the cunt’s bollocks to the wall.

    Good luck.

    • A small electronic recording device in the workplace is also invaluable from my experience!
      Just watched the Channel 4 programme “Police, what’s your emergency” waaycism special – it had everything – poor dear foreigners having to listen to a rude word, playing the victim, evil whitey, thick whitey etc etc. Biased, one sided and nasty – so my complaint is winging it’s way to C4 as we speak full of unsettling legalese, I like this and will do it more often – I call it cuntplaining!

  24. Krav…start fucking with his head.
    Send some gay magazines in clear cellophane to his home address.
    Send loads….

    • I like this approach, though the other advice here seems to be good.

      There’s a high probability this cunt is Nigerian. In which case how about sending him repeated emails (from an untraceable account) informing him that your uncle, the rich Governor of a Nigerian province, has died and left all his money to him, please send bank details to collect the cash. What fun if you can make him bite!

  25. I’ve had great success in the past with one of those mini tape recorders. I suppose modern ones are solid state now, but they do the same job.
    Engage the Cunt in polite conversation after you’ve set it running. When he starts coming the Cunt, ask him why he dislikes you, then lead him on from there.
    If he knows that you’re gay of Jewish, ask him if that’s the reason for his behaviour. Take it slowly, lead him gently, don’t swear or bad mouth him, just let him slowly but surely hang himself.
    When I did it, it worked beautifully, when matters came to a head, the other side didn’t even listen to the tape, they were told what was on it and the Cunt came clean.
    He was a lying, petty, fucking Cunt of a sub foreman with a chip on his shoulder, he’d been giving a few blokes a hard time.
    Stopped him in his tracks.
    Good hunting, Krav.

    • Excellent plan JTC! I did the undercover recording thing and it worked, had I not had that evidence management would have continued to cover it up, payback was a BITCH! (Mobile phone recordings are also good but do not have the quality of microphone of the pro stuff).
      And a little less vigorous than an occasion some Years before when some huge bodybuilding steroid type ruffian made the mistake of trying to push me around and I butted him breaking his nose in 7 places & left him needing maxillofacial surgery (he deserved it, he was a bully and used to push guys around all the time) – the boss knew exactly what had gone on but knew the law of the jungle would prevail! I did not get fired but enjoyed doing it so much I wouldn’t have given a f*ck if I had been sacked on the spot!
      Bad Man I clearly am!

  27. About tinder, a black woman travelled down from Birmingham to meet me in South Wales, we had a pot of tea at a local lounge. Then invited her home on a Sunday afternoon. It was game on. After the foreplay she got a HIV/STI test kit out ha ha ha what a mental bitch. I fucked the shit out of her and showed her the door at 11.59pm. It wasn’t the best having let her know where I lived, school boy error.

    About propositioning in the real world. Had some racy chats with another black girl, 19, the lady that cuts my hair. Very liberated and liberal with her sexy and sexual talk. Then someone either customer or staff must have overheard us and I was permanently barred from the salon for fucks sake.

    Propositioning women for casual sex in public in real life is a double edged sword nowadays. I must say I found it a hell of a lot easier in the 1990’s. Nothing to do with being slim, handsome, rich, and young of course ha ha ha ha.

    Another great threads lads.

    re. the agency worker case. If I read it right he might be a gimmiegrant. It’s terrible and disgusting to hear that a jumped up agency worker is threatening and bullying a perm. employee. Hope it gets resolved satisfactorily. I’ve got fucked over in the workplace several times. Management has a nasty habit of taking sides. I never received any help or support etc.

    Use the Union if you can and or take professional advice. Arrogant and rude co-workers are the absolute worst.

  28. I’m on Tinder .Waste of fucking time.Full of arrogant stuck up slags and gender bending freaks.When I say I’m interested in women I do mean someone with a cunt.Cunts.

  29. The amount of pissed up slags, benders and circus freaks who will utilise/abuse this panic button will be fucking legion… There could be some ‘Lifelong Man U fans/total cunts’ from Bogo Bogo Land , Parking Stan, and Bang-Cock who might use it when I call them out for the clueless glory hunting foreign fucking tosspots that they are…

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