Goal Celebrations

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Goal celebrations need a nomination.

I actually couldn’t care less about football, but I’m sick of seeing these cunts on the TV news sports reports, skidding on their knees or piling on top of each other in an orgiastic scrum, just because they kicked a ball into the net. In the old days, didn’t they just pat each other on the back and shake hands?

Whilst I’m in the mood, also a nomination for marathon spectators. Why would anyone want to stand at the side of the road for hours, watching a load of cunts running past? Same goes for Grand Prix spectators.

Grand cunts, more like.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

42 thoughts on “Goal Celebrations”

  1. Goal celebrations have been going on for years, but ever since the Premier League saw the light of day from 1992, you would think some players were having a bum-fucking orgy the way they jump on each other, hugging, kissing, stroking and probably rubbing themselves up the shitchutes of the scorer!

    Whatever happened to a manly handshake?

    That said I wouldn’t mind the wimminz lezzing up when they score a goal – dildos allround!

  3. I agree with the cunting however goal celebrations do have there place.

    England Vs Germany Sept 1st 2001 in Munich Germany.
    England 5, Germany 1. Micheal Owen Hat trick.

    Best goal celebration was when Emile Heskey scores, runs to German corner flag, pulls out imaginary golf club and ‘puts’ invisible golf ball towards German fans…..
    Fucking Priceless!

    Sticking it up the Krauts in the birth place of goose stepping and 3rd Reich activity!
    Those Krauts don’t like it up’em!

  5. Back in the 1970s, whenever a goal was scored, they got into snogging each other. Remember my dad being beside himself with disgust, haha!

    • Just a few years earlier if they had behaved like that they would have been arrested before the “consenting adults” stuff. If only politicians were a bit more athletic I am sure that bunch of pansies would have enjoyed the antics on the football field – not to mention the locker room

      • Brexit ayes. 358
        Brexit No’s. 234
        If I’d been an MP after that vote, I’d have kissed everyone in the House of Commons – well, with the exception of the fuckin’ Flabbott.

      • On the subject of Tangoman’s strike at that Iranian cunt. I’ve just been reading in the paper that Liverpool fans are really outraged at the attack. They think it might trigger World War III, which could prevent the club lifting this season’s league title. If it was April, you’d have to believe it was an April Fool story. As it is…

      • Evening Sir Knee

        That’s because Liverpool FC source and hire their footy mercenaries from this region. Mo Salah is a bona fide Allan Snackbar worshipper for example.

        WW3 would cut off this Supply line of young athletes!

      • And to think some people actually say the scousers have a victim mentality.

      • Ron, we can’t go wrong with the video assistant ref on our side. So much so, the club’s been renamed Li VAR pool!

  6. Whenever I watch the football I seem to break my own record for shouting “you fucking cheating foreign cunt ” and it can’t be too far away when I stop watching altogether . However I do like to marvel at the surface area of Sadio Mane’s brow.

  7. When footballers hold their arms up and clap to the fans, that cheeses me right off as well.

    Football nowadays is sh*t, in my opinion.

    Bring back the jumpers for goalposts, and cups of tea and bacon butties at halftime.

    • The players are fannies, the balls are plastic, and they’re overpaid. There’s no titans in the game anymore.

    • Worse still is ostentatious badge kissing when secretly instructing the agent to engineer a transfer away.

      Footballers in the PL are generally cunts, although I will make an exception for Juan Mata.

      • I used to love it every time Pele would rush to the side of the pitch, fall to his knees and make the sign of the cross after scoring. It became an iconic image, until it was revealed that he was getting paid $10k a pop or something to do this in front of a particular advertising hoarding. What a cunt.

    • I think quite a few of the Liverpool team would possibly refrain from the bacon butties – Hal and Al will have the live goat please!

  8. Not to derail your cunting mystic but I had just watched thom yorkes anima on netflix and it was some interpretive dancing bullshit. I liked the ‘zombies’ number sort of which I think was about some orwellian-marxist take on crony capitalism and consumerism or some shit but the rest was just Yorke and this asian woman spinning around for 2 minutes like a bunch of stunned cunts

    After watching it I couldn’t in any good conscience give it a thumbs up but I couldn’t give it a thumbs down neither because it was exactly what i asked for thom yorke being, singing and acting like a utter cunt for twelve minutes

  9. I think goal celebrations started in American football which I call handegg btw its proper name and the NBA, basketball. I could be wrong but i think thats where it started

  10. Amazing stat on Tuesday night when Liverpool completed an unbelievable 969 passes.
    Only ever bettered by Harry Kane on Mastermind….

    • I hope you’re keeping copies of all these JR.
      I’m looking forward to buying your forthcoming book when it’s released this year!

    • Most of Liverpool’s statistics contain the numbers 9 and 6, it’s getting a bit boring now. 30 years….. yaaaaawn murdering cunts.

      • My Cousin was at Hillsborough in the Forest end, an utter cluster fuck from beginning to end and the wrong people in the dock.

  11. There are so many things that they do that make themselves look like fucking cunts. Wiggling about doing a dance like a fucking poof. Sucking their thumb or ‘rocking a baby’. Pointing at the name on the back of their shirt, like they’ve justified their existence. Yes we can read you prick. Kissing the badge on their shirt, as though they’re devoted to their club. Only as long as they pay you, you insincere cunt. Crossing themselves as though God has chosen them for glory above all others. And why they rip their shirts off I don’t know, but they do it all over the world.

    • My favouite was Peter Crouch’s robert dance. As if the long streak of piss didn’t look a big enough cunt already.

      • Alan Shearer is monotone boring bastard and his goal ‘celebration’ personified that.

      • “Well Gary, I kicked the ball at the net and it went in – but I made f*ck all in my career, can I get a job like yours selling greasy unpleasant things for stupid amounts of money”?

        “I believe Paul Pogba already has an agent Alan”

  13. The only time I would celebrate a goal in football is is the whole team and anyone in the ground were wiped out by giant mutant rats….then I would celebrate.

    • They’ve become laughable in recent years. Most used to just run to the crowd with their arms in up, punch the air, maybe give s team mate a hug if they had set up the goal. They were generally spontaneous, and there was a certain sense of proportion.

      Nowadays many top players cultivate ‘celebrations’ which become part of the overall marketing of their ‘image’.

      Gareth Bale even tried to copyright his own ‘celebration’, which consisted of putting his fingers together to make a circle, fucking pathetic.

      They can all fuck right off.

  15. I hate goal celebrations but when Gary Linecanofcan’t shat himself I make an exception haha :-p

  16. what makes me laugh about these footballers is when someone slightly brushes against them as they are running along with the ball they hit the deck like a sack of spuds then roll around in agony for minutes on end clutching their faces, but as soon as one of them hits the back of the net with a ball he can be seen running around with aboutr five of his team mates hanging off his back..

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