Don´t read any further if you don´t know that a clue like “gegs (9, 4)” is so easy that you despise the compiler.* Take the advice of one who has been addicted for decades and don´t get started on cryptic crosswords because you will be entering into a masochistic relationship with cryptic compilers who will torture you and lay on the lash like a dominatrix.
Solving cryptics requires a warped mind that does not see “love” but “vole” or “Cameron” but “romance” or “desserts” but “stressed or “Isacunt” but “U saint” (all anagrams). They take you into a world where a “flower” or a “banker” is not a plant or a greedy bastard using your money to enrich himself but to a “river”. An Italian type is “italic”. A hot sounding country is “Chile”. Got it?
* Answer – “scrambled eggs”.
Nominated by Mr Polly
I’ve always had a little bit of envy toward people who were good with crosswords and countdown and all that but I just don’t have a head for it and and play scrabble like I’m a retard. So keep up the good work and persevere for Queen and Country Mr P.
12
What’s sand but soon will become glass?
7
I think I have the answer, videlicet: slag
0
What’s sand but soon will become glass? I am unsure, so I ran..
1
Sorry, but ‘U saint’ isn’t an anagram of ‘isacunt’.
4
‘Is UN cat’ is, though. Thought a mog would have spotted that.
2
Otherwise engaged with mouse.
4
I know. That shows I am as bad at compiling as solving the bloody things!
1
The middle East, hopefully.
7
Before I was banned I used to go to the other Pub in the village on a Sunday morning. There was a group of boring old Farts who liked to gather round a table doing the crossword in The Sunday Times…what a show they put on with their musings. I’m not bad at crosswords myself (plus I’d use cheat sites) so I used to take my own copy and then shout the answers at the flashy wankers as their “Chairman” pompously read out the questions.even if they did it quietly,I’d just shout random clue numbers and the answers at them.Drove the specs-on-top-of-their-head,half-pint of real ale drinking Windbags to distraction.
I miss them…I bet they miss me too.
15
Excellent form DF! I can do a normal crossword, but cryptic crosswords? Too much like trying to work out why I am in trouble with the good lady! (which is generally often!)
2
I do like to be helpful as I go about my day,Vernon….how they used to josh with me…”Fuck Off,you appalling Cunt” they used to joke…I used to jokingly retaliate by taking some of the little pickled onions which were put on the bar as “nibbles”, quietly wipe them down my ballbag and then return them to the bowl which I’d carry across and place on their table with a jaunty ” Just kidding around,fellas..have a little onion,it might cheer you up..they are free,y’know.”
3
Your kindness and humanity to all Mankind is a beacon of light in a dark World DF!
I used to do the pub quiz at my local, the landlord used to bus in teams of “wich and bwainy chaps” to compete, because they bought a lot of seriously expensive single malt whisky.
I used to take part on my own as I have an aversion to turds but always won and gave the prize of sweeeet beer to the locals, the visitors hated it, but my occasional offer of “if you don’t like losing and keep bitching shall we nip out the back for a rather more physically exerting competition”? was disappointingly never taken up!
Awful Man I am!
1
There was an excellent sketch of The Two Ronnies doing crosswords on a train, only to be upstaged by a nun, who knew the smutty answer (I think).
After a successful home-griddled burger (first attempt) and far too much Italian red (not to mention cardboard-box-dessicated fingers from helping ex to move flat), can’t be arsed to check it out. I only know of it cos a fellow cunter mentioned it a month or two back.
1
“…I bet they miss me too”
Maybe ’cause they can’t hold a sniper rifle steady enough to ensure a clean kill?
0
3 down. “Clever bastards who can do crosswords, word searches and Countdown” (5 letters)
Fuck off
7
Not done a crossword in ages, my mums a fan of them, but those cryptic ones send me into a rage!
Just cant get my head round them and tend to start by swearing under my breathe, then outloud, then rip it to bits and flounce off.
Hats off to anyone who does them,
But to me its like talking to The Riddler
Infuriating as fuck!
The sphinx of Egypt was meant to set riddles, can totally understand why its got no nose the smartarse cunt.
13
The Sphinx has got no nose? How does it smell? 😀
2
Terrible!😀
3
Or Danyella Westbrook…
1
Me. ” 7 Across… A thieving postman “.
The Mrs. “How many letters? ”
Me. “Thousands of the fucking things “.
My coat is already on.
18
Ball bearing mouse trap?
Answer. Tom cat
6
Solving puzzles or solving problems ?
No, I don’t possess the intellect to decipher some clever dick’s deliberately obtuse “clues” in a crossword but can you change the cambelt on your car ?
I can.
Good nom.
10
I can only think of changing “the cambelt” to “calm the bet.”
2
or
Belt the Cam (as in Alastair Campbellend)
1
I love crossword puzzles and arrow word puzzles.
Cryptic crossword puzzles can fork right off. I want to enjoy myself, not enrage myself.
I quite like the puzzles in those womans weekly magazines.
Jigaw puzzles as well but no more than 500 pieces.
6
The cryptics are my hobby. Mephisto, Azed, Beelzebub etc. But then, I am a collossal cunt. No need for a clue.
8
I gather there is a set of rules that govern how cryptic clues work but I’ve never been interested enough to look them up. I’m with Spoonington on the women’s magazine puzzles.
6
I like looking at photos of a packed House of Commons, so that I can play “Spot the Cunt!”
8
Surely TC for that to constitute any sort of challenge it would have to be spot the NON-cunt?
5
Good point, CtC. I must be either getting soft in my old age, or more dotty!
That said there are perhaps a handful of decent MPs, not least Priti Patel!
5
It could be done like the old spot-the-ball; if you look closely there would a superimposed face hidden away of some genial non-cunt, like Benny Hill or Genghis Khan
2
I like to do word searches, My way.
I take a word search magazine and search for profanity’s amongst the jumbled letters.
I normally find one per magazine, but I don’t have a hissy fit and contact the editor I consider it to be a private challenge from the writer to the public to find that magical word in the forest of letters.
6
Those Winter evenings must just fly by…
2
Can see how theyd become a hobby, challenging, keep your mind sharp etc
Same with jigsaws, some massive, really hard ones, and same as those people who do models, some really technical very expensive ones about,
Some that have electrics and motors in them.
Always amazes me other peoples hobbies, like anything that someone takes pride an skill in.
10
One of our drivers bogged down an 18 ton truck in a field, we took photos of it and I had one made into a jigsaw for him.
Lets just say he got hormonal about it.
11
Just about to take a step into wooden model ships kits.Not cheap considering the amount of material that’s in the box but they take a lot of time and effort to get right.
5
There’s plenty of Cunts in society I’d like to take a jigsaw to……
5
Life is puzzle enough for me, or more accurately a board game, snakes and ladders.
3
Oddly enough, the Duchess of Pork has a problem with snakes, though not, it seems, the trouser variety.
1
Not so much cryptic clues but can’t stand long winded terminology where a short word is more efficient.
A window according to NASA is an environmental awareness panel.CUNTS
8
Crusty, I remember that Shakespeare fella wrote something like, ‘What light through yonder environmental awareness panel breaks’ haha 😀
3
It’s not a light – it’s a drone strike!
Get down Gene… oh, too late
1
I cannot bring the required level of giving a fuck to bear on crosswords. Last night I kept my mind sharp for two hours trying to work out how to set the digital controller on my new storage heater. It has a slew of functions, none of which I need and including wireless connection, on its ever-branching menu, accessed by five buttons. The manual was sketchy, and inaccurate in several respects. The heater it replaced had two dials to turn – one for how hot, the other for how long, and didn’t need the manual to work out how to set its ‘comfort'(gaagh) periods.
Cryptic crosswords? Pathetically trivial. Any piece of digital technology has them beat for bafflement.
5
I’ve wasted hours on this site this morning trying to think up good anagrams!
Oyu Tunc Mr Polly!
😀
But a very clever cunting.
5
Crosswords always remind me of my algebra lessons during my secondary school years, and all that bollocks about “finding x”
Why should I give a shit about finding x? I didn’t lose it in the first fucking place
3
I am hoping to collect an award for “Worlds worst free diver”.
I’m not holding my breath
1
Q. A potential candidate applies for a Cyril / Sybil Service job, in April 2019. Having been told he’s got the job, when will the wankstains send him a start date ?
A. After eight months, I’m still waiting, but not holding my breath (just pass me a large citrus fruit and a rubber gimp hood…)
4
Welcome to Capita recruitment “On behalf of the Civil Service”!
3
Just stuck a 1000 piecer of Mousehole Harbour to a hardboard backing sheet as it goes, took me and the lads about 6 months of odd Sunday a’noons, quite therapeutic.
I do like burr puzzles as items of intrigue and because I’m logically/mechanically minded. Now I thought I was a half competent machinist until I came across this fellah Gar Maxton. I hate to use an Americanism but OM fucking G! A burr puzzle that disassembles into a functioning .45 calibre pistol. An engineering tour de force, an object of desire, a symphony in metals both base and precious and just an incredible object that I want to own.
https://www.maxton.com/c18add.shtml
actually found m’self giggling in numbed amazement at the strip down vid…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Po64G72gQo
If I had the spare $25,000+ dollars to commission one I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at the 2 year waiting time.
Anyone fancy having a crack at this bad lad?
0