The Turner Prize

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A five-alarm, socially conscious cunting please for The (fucking) Turner Prize

Ffffff… fffffff…. ffffff… and breathe… Facking hellski my piss boileth over. Just sat through Beeb4’s coverage of the (fucking) Turner Prize ‘awards’ and what an unalloyed, truly emetic display of virtue signalling jiggery-wokery it was. Normally, despite a passing interest in such things, I’d forgo the pleasure with an accompanying stream of invective hangs its ulcerous arse out the window and invites us to kiss it but this year, given the societal tumult that’s currently gestating, I thought “hmmmm I wonder… they’re gonna pull a stunt this year I’ll bet?” and put down the remote, cracked a tinny and braced m’self. I was not disappointed as The (fucking) Turner Prize (and god I bet old Turner is revolving axially in his grave that his name has been so appropriated) supplied big steaming sacks of cuntery by the hundredweight.

The Turner Prize has always been a vehicle for degeneracy in both the production and public perceptions of ‘art’ and what constitutes art. From its origins when Duchamp waltzing into a gallery with a piss trough to that shaved ape Ofili throwing elephant shit at a canvas it’s whole purpose has been to discount and reposition all prior art as reactionary, jingoistic remnants of dying empires. So what was offered up this year to delight the liberati and simultaneously baffle the rest of us?

Lawrence Abu Hamdan – is an artist and audio investigator, (I’m sorry?? He’s a what?) whose work explores ‘the politics of listening’ – Oh fer fuck’s fucking sake ‘ere we go. His installation entitled “Earwitness Inventory” should more accurately be called “Fuck me some cunt’s robbed the garage!”

http://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/turner-contemporary/exhibition/turner-prize-2019/lawrence-abu-hamdan

Helen Cammock – “The Long Note” – Filmic, feminist niggerwhine…enjoy.

http://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/turner-contemporary/exhibition/turner-prize-2019/helen-cammock

Oscar Murrilo – Collective Conscience (ffs!)- Oscar Murillo’s multifaceted practice incorporates live events, drawing, sculptural installation, video, painting, bookmaking and collaborative projects with different communities. In his work, Murillo particularly explores materials, process and labour; as well as issues of migration, community, exchange and trade in today’s globalised world. – Yes yes Oscar but that does not excuse the fact that your ACTUAL artistic skill tops out at that of a ten year old stuffing a guy fawkes for the bonfire. You fraud, you chancer, you unmitigated cunt.

http://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/turner-contemporary/exhibition/turner-prize-2019/oscar-murillo

Tai Shani – DC Semiramis – Shani “uses the structure of an allegorical city of women to explore ‘feminine’ subjectivity and experience, through a gothic/science-fiction lens…” gotta stop you there luv mainly because I can’t be arsed to fisk the rest of this drivel suffice it to say this animate tableaux of sub Dalian linear and morphic forms prompts the following question – Tai, do you always neck a microdot before you take your kids to Wacky Warehouse?

http://www.tate.org.uk/whats-on/turner-contemporary/exhibition/turner-prize-2019/tai-shani

So who won then, Cunty? We’re dying to know who’ll be setting the nation’s artistic trajectory over the coming year.

I’ll tell you who won; like a special needs sports day (on reflection a pretty close analogy), they all did… yayyy! They decided that because they all sing from the same hyper-liberal hymn sheet they should form a collective and accept an award only on that basis. They chucked the sheboon front and centre to read their grandstanding, dribbling collective statement, the text of which I’m sure will form the editorial opinion and comment for every fucking newspaper for the next week if they don’t reprint the fucker in full on a giveaway centrefold poster. Expect this to be the Thunbergite groupuscle for the ‘art’ world. Expect a ramping of their commercial exposure. Expect them to last no more than 2 minutes on a gallows rope.

But here’s the kicker: the programme that followed this open mockery of all that we would legitimately recognise as “Art” was an hour long documentary on Rembrandt, the very antidote to this spasticated travesty.

Nominated by Cunty Chops

103 thoughts on “The Turner Prize”

  1. That is what years of no competition/everyone’s a winner Marxist education does for you. It is so primary school.

  2. The Turner Prize, has always been a complete wankfest. It only exists on its own controversy.

  4. I like art, can lose myself in a art gallery, and as a working class bloke think ive just as much right as some Fabian pink pants to be there.
    I like art but despise artists and art types, always dickheads.
    Anyway the Turner prize?
    Fuck off give em a nail bomb.

    • Indeed Miserable, art should be accessible to all. You could become somebody’s muse, all brooding and bristling beard, do a bit of life drawing, flash your cock about and get paid for it.

      • Good idea LL!
        Cold though stood around for hours in a draughty room, dont want my willy to be painted for posterity looking like a prawn vol au vont!
        Do they have ‘fluffers’?
        Some 19yr old pert student who can tug you tumescent?😀

      • The latest life modelling fad, moor-flashing, does result in (i) an image (created on iPhone), and (ii) an audience, being the rozzers at the local cop shop.

      • It’s a long way between vol au vent and gonzo, and for me a 19 year old assistant would be overkill. A tolerable ‘go ugly early’ would get me to suitable KPa.

      • Your probably right 3strokes,
        A 19yr old filly would give me a heart attack, itll have to be Anne widdecombe again.

      • Eeeurggghhh Jesus no trigger warning.

        Is there such thing as an inverted volovant? I think I’ve got one

      • Haha! Gotcha!!
        Looks like fruit left in the sun doesnt she?
        But least i wouldnt shot the bolt before the flag went up!
        😂

  5. Never going to interest me. Art is mostly shite, semi naked women on motorcycles is high art in my house.

    Some people apparently don’t appreciate semi naked women on motorcycles, fair play I don’t appreciate art but semi naked birds on motorcycles don’t cost the tax payer money to conserve their art.

    i resent paying for national art galleries and the cunting opera.

  6. If I, a humble cunt nobody, presented a house brick wrapped in Christmas paper for consideration of the Turner Prize, I would be told to fuck off!

    Get some jumped-up arty cunt do exactly the same, and its “oh yes, this is simply wonderful! it will be worth at least £100,000. It says so much…..”

    • I totally agree. What passes for “art” in these sad times is utter garbage. Gone are the days when the artist needed to have some minimal skill at drawing, draughtsmanship, understanding optics and light, knowing how to mix pigments and binders, preparing your canvass. Nowadays, any charlatan and talentless waster who has “something important to say” and is prepared to waffle on at length about gender politics, can cobble together any old trash (they’re “found materials” dontcha know ?), put it on a pedestal and claim that it represents the struggle of the proletariat against the evil capitalist empire. It used to make me livid, now it just makes me sad. This country has some very talented painters, animators, glassmakers and ceramicists who make beautiful things, but they will be ignored in favour of some over intellectual, up their own arse idiots who couldn’t create anything of worth if their lives depended on it.

  7. On another note, when Donald Trump distances himself from someone, you know that the someone involved must be in some deep shit.

    Prince who?

  9. A table with books on it. I have one at home, gimme a prize. Oh wait, I’m the wrong colour/sex combination.

  11. Cuntfest.

    Everyones a winner … so no one is. Let us take something special and belittle it, demean it and devalue it. And then let’s kick off about ruffians who look at the arts world as a giant stinking blue waffle of a cunt.

  12. Ok so we have to choose from (based on the links above):

    1. Some shit that didn’t sell in “Cash in the Attic”.
    2. A pile of unread books.
    3. A bunch of (penny for the) Guys nicked from children’s bonfires.
    4. Some life-size replicas of Kinder Egg toys that have some bits missing.

    As the art is complete wank, let’s see who will win based on how it’s always judged – virtue signalling to the totem pole of vicitmhood:

    1. The Foreign Muzzie. (Two Ticks)
    2. The Black Lezza Woman. (Three Ticks)
    3. The Foreign “aspiring architect type” from a South American drug country. (Two Ticks)
    4. The White Lezza Woman. (Two Ticks)

    Given this, number two (Helen Cammock) is a shoe-in!

    Have they stopped taking bets yet???

  13. Off topic im sure you ll be pleased to know st greta of cuntsberg has arrived in spain !at least im sure its st greta judging by some of the tabloid press she looks suspiciously more like of those very high end robotic japanese sex dolls with the 1000 yard stare or so im told.

    • Give it 10 years and she’ll be a proper little Drew Barrymore, desperate to cram as much cock and crack into herself as humanly possible. Serve her snooty brainwashing parents right

    • Phew! That’s a relief.

      I was really worried that she’d never make it there alive!

      What with only millionaires’ yachts and private jets at her disposal, and with a bodyguard entourage in tow, how she drew up the courage to make that journey with her parents is beyond me.

      A complete martyr to the cause.

      Hopefully Uncle George will keep funding these dangerous excursions around the planet, it’s the least he can do…

    • I had tests done an the doctors diagnosed me as artistic,
      So love this stuff.

    • I know a Spanish animal rights activist who also happens to be a Muslim, which means he only throws homosexual donkeys from rooftops….

    • I reckon she has a successful future in Greta-Stare porn. i.e. an aggrieving Great stands naked in pigtails, giving her death-stare to the camera, nad whining about “the future of the cheeeeldren” whilst some donkey-rigged black buck (complete with socks and trainers) is vigorously sliding his meat in and out of her tradesman’s entrance.

      Splendid!

  14. Does whatever it is they do count for anything outside of their narrow, pretentious, up their own arse world?

  15. Who can ever forget the thrown Elephant shit? Offal played a blinder with that one, guaranteed large amounts of wonga for the rest of his life courtesy of us the tax payer via government arts grants. Changes are coming…..

  16. No point me going to an art gallery I’m hardly what you would call an aesthete and the last time I went into a museum it was a case of pearls before swine, but if I had to run my eye over this pretentious pile of libero-socio-wankessence I would be able to distinguish the “artists” as cunts.

    • Next year it’ll be won by a Somalian with a blooded knife. You heard it here first.

    • Nice one admin!👍
      A very young mr polly, you spot him?
      Yogi capone, ‘slash yer! Yer wee fuckin scunner yez…”

  18. A worthy cunting. I rolled my eyes when I heard about this. Because dar quays have been short listed, you can’t select the chalky without being accused of racism. Another libtard cuntfest like the fucker prize.

    • On online news- a banana duct taped to the wall has fetched £91,000!
      Arts amazing!😀

      • Bet it was Anthony Joshua bought it!
        Hes fighting tonight, god, if that fat mexican wins again I’ll be smiling till new year!!

      • Apparently, the artist suggested to his girlfriend that introducing fruit into the bedroom would not only inspire him but could pep up their sex life.
        It didn’t work as she went fuckin’ bananas.

        I think me old Mac is in the hall.

      • Evening LL. I’ve sent that fuckin’ useless joke book back to Amazon for a refund.

      • Evening Blunty, sod modern art and especially The Turner Prize. If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.
        Split the fare bud?

      • We’ll share a taxi back from the IsAC Christmas do with Miserable as long as he promises not to flash his willie around for artistic purposes!
        😀

  19. One of ’em should’ve modelled Corbyn & McDonnell’s heads out of dog-shit …I’d have voted for it &, let’s face it, it would’ve been a perfect statement on our ‘toxic political climate’. Then re-named themselves as The Waste Of Space, Time, Oxygen & Energy. Cunts.

  20. “All Art is quite useless……

    Art is useless because its aim is simply to create a mood. It is not meant to instruct, or to influence action in any way. It is superbly sterile, and the note of its pleasure is sterility. If the contemplation of a work of art is followed by activity of any kind, the work is either of a very second-rate order, or the spectator has failed to realise the complete artistic impression.

    A work of art is useless as a flower is useless. A flower blossoms for its own joy. We gain a moment of joy by looking at it. That is all that is to be said about our relations to flowers. Of course man may sell the flower, and so make it useful to him, but this has nothing to do with the flower. It is not part of its essence. It is accidental. It is a misuse. All this is I fear very obscure. But the subject is a long one.”

    Oscar Wilde wrote the above……amazing that one of The Gays could write something so perspicacious…perhaps he wrote it before The Gayness really took hold.

    • They have a award ceremony for rural artists Dick!
      Get the paints out an a canvas, you never know?!
      You might be the recipient of the Turnip prize…

      Taxi share Blunty?

      • Only bit of art that I’ve ever liked was that poster of the tennis lass scratching her arse.

        Evening,MNC

      • Evening Dick.
        Being a bit common and not many saving graces, its one refined thing I DO like!
        Art and Earl grey tea.
        But yes arts pretentious and populated by effete ducky darlings,
        But i still like it.
        Including that tennis bird with the itchy harris!😀

      • Oh like that!
        Evening Miles!
        Yes from a little kid ive always liked art.
        One of my customers has a art gallery in Manchester, and lets me have a nosy at stuff once ive finished the job.
        Hes posh, but ok, asks what i think of things, and i tell him the truth.
        Some I like, others I dont.
        Dunno why he asks,
        Bet its like a dog suddenly talking and discussing literature!!

    • One of my favourite films RTC.
      So true then and now.
      The last scene with Irene Handel is a gem.

      • #MeToo Cuntalugs.

        Mrs Cravat (landlady) in Hancock’s bedsit, appraising his artwork:

        Mrs. Cravat: “What’s this horrible thing?”
        Hancock: “That, is a self-portrait.”
        Mrs. Cravat: “Who of?”

        She then clocks his (extremely ugly) sculpture ‘Aphrodite At The Waterhole’:

        Mrs. Cravat: “Here, have you been having models up here? Have there been naked women in my establishment?”
        Hancock: “Of course there haven’t. I can’t afford thirty-bob an hour. I did that from memory. That is women as I see them.”
        Mrs. Cravat: “Oh, you poor man! Ooh, fancy knocking about with women like that. I wonder what your kids ‘ll look like”

        Irene Handel was a natural cunter. 😂

  22. I’ve spent the best part of 25 years hand-painting cartoon murals in play centres all around the UK. Before that I spent 2 years drawing cartoons for adult comics*. Before that 2 years painting fine art – (Steam trains, dogs, cars, scenery, etc). Before that I got my O and A Level Art but never went to Art college…

    I wouldn’t get a Turner prize – because I can fucking draw.

    *Timmy the Homesick Tampon, a particular favourite of mine, was rejected by all 5 adult comics I sent it to…. perhaps I should resubmit it to the Tate ??

  23. I like art but this is fookin ridiculous. It’s all for a minor percentage of the country.

    Hoo-ee, what a pile of cunts!

  24. What a load of complete bollocks!

    However much more interesting was a first for me today, I had an election canvasser on my doorstep, not just any canvasser but the actual candidate himself!

    Sadly not labour or Lib Dem, because I would have loved to have a conversation with one of those cunts.

    I told the gent that I would be voting for him and wished him good luck in the election, I am in a very close marginal 243 votes between labour and conservative last time.

  25. Off road a mo…

    I see Blair and Major are out again tonight, doing their best to secure Boris a huge majority! 😂

    • R4, to which you do not of course listen, had a clip of Major, a quote from Blair, and an interview with Chris “Lord” Patton on the forthcoming Brexit apocalypse and who you should vote for to stop it. It had sweet fuck all from anyone pro-Brexit offering ways of ensuring it does happen though. How fucking astonishing is that?

  27. Thank you, Cunty Chops, for your masterly analysis of the pinnacle of the UK art scene, above. It has saved me from taking any further interest in the matter, and I confess on hearing on the news that the Turner Prize had been awarded, I did feel a momentary urge to see what this year’s pile of pretentious shit looked like. You have saved me the trouble, and confirmed my expectations.

    How anyone has the brass neck to expect material gain as a result of their self-indulgent, hideous or downright disgusting mockery of cultural standards, is beyond me. “Decadent” – too kind a term – now has no meaning whatever. But it genuinely doesn’t matter whether one cunt gets the prize or 50,000 cunts share it between them. Not one piece of recognisably genuine art will be seen after the next fad comes along.

    It’s a very bad time for genuine art-lovers, and there is no sign of its ever getting better.

  28. It is at this point I find myself in the position to make a public apology.
    said “spunky tissues” in Day Admins draw were the result of rather a bad cold.
    Her revenge I wont speak of, only perhaps to say a woman spited does horrible things.
    I will leave things as such and hope my apologize are accepted.

    • Serves you right admin.
      Rather upsetting the lovely day admin, the cunters go without being insulted.
      Ive tried to take up the slack for you,
      But you need to start pulling your weight.
      Lots of love
      Uncle Miserable.

    • It was a truly revolutionary installation piece, Admin, and spoke directly to its awed viewers as an examination of the conjunction of bodily products, fine tissues, and another’s secret spaces. Hope it didn’t taint the biscuit collection, though.

      See you at next year’s Turner, then.

    • You just wonder if they think about that, comparing their own creations to a truly talented individual, or are they so far up each others arse holes they are blind

    • ‘ The Fighting Temeraire ‘ . Now that’s art.
      What a pity that ship was broken up.
      It saved the ‘ Victory ‘.
      Good evening.

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