Beer

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I am very much a social drinker these days, quite happy drinking the odd pint of San Miguel down the local boozer, or if I’m being a tight-fisted old cunt, drinking from home.

However, Christmas is approaching, and am already ordering a shitload of groceries from Asda online, including their special offers of 3 x 10 cans of Stella for £21.

Compared to my irresponsible youth of some forty years ago, when I used to buy a 24-pack of Breaker, or Skol, or Colt 45, for £10 and end up getting pissed out of my face three hours later, I would like to think I am a more experienced, sober drinker these days, yet come Christmas and all that festive spirit bollocks, I cannot help myself but to crack open the cans and enjoy a good old fashioned piss up!

But the thing about beer is how it suddenly fucks up your sensibilities, and all of a sudden you think the likes of Jess Phillips and/or Jo Swinson are remotely sexy!

Moreover, the more you drink, the more bollocks comes out of your mouth to the point where you’re opening yourself up to all sorts of allegations, especially when you confess to sniffing the bicycle seat of your female French tutor during your days at comprehensive school!

Beer has a lot to answer for, especially with its ability of fucking up one’s mind and turning horrible bloaters into sex objects (although to be fair I still haven’t drunk enough to find Diane Abbott remotely fetching!)

You will no doubt be surprised to know I am writing this bollocks after consuming five pints of San Miguel (largely in celebration of winning a nice little contract supporting the local library with their IT kit!) Therefore, I will probably regret this nomination come the morning. I just hope I haven’t mentioned anything regarding sex sessions with a sweaty Diane Abbott in a g-string!

Cheers!

Nominated by Technocunt

73 thoughts on “Beer”

  1. In my youth I had a flag fetish, after consuming large quantities of beer I would acquire flags.
    I obtained the flags of,
    The officers training wing of the Royal armoured corps, (easy just had to climb a building for that one)
    The Flag of 35 field Royal Military Police (Fallingbostel) they were very upset about that and it had to be returned/ ditto the RAC one.
    Fucking worse one was the Olympic stadium in Berlin, I had to climb the perimeter fence, scale the stadium to get on the roof and shimmy up the flag pole.
    It was dark, I was pissed but the pure exertion of the exercise sobered me up enough half way up the flag pole, I looked down into the stadium and decided that it was a fucking stupid idea, I was also skylined against the moon so bound to be caught.
    Beer makes you do funny things (the bike in the pool there was me)

  2. The picture is what John Bercow looks like when enjoying a quite (subsidised) pint in a House of Commons bar.

  3. I remember as a kid my dad buying those party bumpers of Double Diamond at Christmas time.

    He gave me a small glass of it and I was sick for the rest of Boxing day evening. I was only 10!

    • Nothing wrong with DD techno, that’s what it was supposed to do! I remember their advert “Double Diamond works wonders,works wonders..” and it certainly did with your internal digestive system by turning your shit into creosote. Mind you, that was nothing compared to fucking Watney’s Red Barrel. Must be some cunters here who remember Party Sevens, which was some brown fizzy liquid with a slight alcohol content in a very large can.

      • Yes I remember Watney Party Sevens too. My dad liked both, but I think you had to push some kind of tap into the barrel in order to pour. But I think everytime my old man did it it fizzed all over the fucking shop!

  4. I’m not sure it is possible for a normal human to drink enough to make Abbott look attractive.

    • Even after a bottle of absinthe she’d still look like a Jamaican gamorrean guard with a basin head.

  5. People like to say that ‘it was the beer talking” and I believe them,it can turn the nicest of people into a bit of a Cunt….I never use this excuse…I’m a Cunt to start with and the alcohol merely adds a certain piquancy to my inherent Joie de Vivre/ Cuntishness.

      • All is well with me Harry..in fact I’m unusually cheerful for the time of year.
        You’ll be glad to get back before Christmas,I expect. Hope you and the family have a nice time.

    • Spot on dick, I’m a massive cunt even before 16 pints of truth juice! But after consuming large quantities of strong alcohol I’m more than ready to enter full cunting mode

    • Techno@
      Dunno if your on medication or something that doesnt mix with ale but nothing on earth get me hammered enough to find flabbot sexy.
      Im not sitting wi you or Miles at the Christmas do.

    • Must admit the beers listed in the nom were not exactly what I would call an inspired collection

  7. I have found that while the seductive appeal of horrible bloaters increases as the square of ABV consumed, the performance diminishes correspondingly, and that beer is admirably self-regulating with regard to accidentally siring spawn on a munter. By the time one reaches the gallonage required to evoke a passing spasm of lust for a Flabbott – I have never managed to drink that much – unconsciousness must surely supervene.

    • What is ironic, and this is quite apparent in a very recent nom concerning the Office Christmas Parties, in that people go and get pissed and end up with some tart and/or bloater, finding them immensely desirable and then ending up fucking their brains out. Only to regret the whole sordid incident the following morning, and inevitably blaming the beer!

      I guess alcohol was invented by some right old ugly cunts in order to score at parties.

  8. There’s a paradigm in relation to drinking and the mighty Flabbot in fact almost an oxymoron.This is how it works you need to drink an absolute shed load before you started to see the Mighty F as any sort of object of desire but then (and here’s the clever bit) as you drink even more and the sight of the Mighty F is giving you a slight tingle WHAM….youv’e drunk that much that you have gone full circle and drunk yerself sober.Thus you will never reach the realm of carnal knowledge of the Mighty F and yer kudos stays intact.

    • If I drink to excess and find it impossible to get a woody. Not just because of the alcohol intact, but also for the fact the need to take a piss every 5 minutes!

  9. There you go then. The Labour party and its supporters aren’t left-wing, remoaner cunts at all, they’re shit-faced, left-wing, remoaner cunts.

  10. I’ve got some whisky this week that tastes like seaweed.
    Goodness only knows how Flabbot will survive my advances..
    Presuming I can be arsed to get the train to stabby town.
    Chiggun!
    Good cunting.

    • I have to agree, it’s one of the few pleasures left in life. It’s many years since I went on a pub crawl but I always have some Guinness and Mackies in the fridge and some bitter to make shandies.

      • I enjoy a Mackey/bitter…we call them Black’n Tan up here. Always have to remember when I’m in Cork/Dublin not to use that name.

      • Later in life I’m sure I’ll regret it. Nothing better after a hard day though. Guinness is smashing too.

      • Early work experience included barman at a pub in East London. Public bar, always and exclusively used by Trinidadian construction workers – against whom I will not hear a word, gentlemen all – and all they ever drank was Mackeson. Didn’t know it was still produced.

      • Apparently a lot of the Tom and Jerry-style big fat Dark-Key grannies drink Guinness mixed with tinned-milk.

      • Reminds me, my landlady at the same time never ate the disgusting food she gave the lodgers*, but watched us choking it down while drinking her Guinness, which we were not offered. She was the widow of a Black-and-Tan…I am not inventing this…and it would have saved a lot of digestive difficulty if the IRA had got her as well.

        Preparations for the feast for your villagers must be under way by now, Fiddler. I trust that enough of them are nubile to make the outlay worthwhile.

      • Bit of luck there,K. For the last few months I’ve been fattening up a pet lamb which the local children used to feed over the fence (Willy-Woolly Lamby-Kinkins they called it,apparently)….they even asked if they could borrow it for the school Nativity Play it was so tame…had to tell them that I’d cut it’s throat and it was now hanging in my vast meat pantry but that I’d be selling a few cuts off it in the local Pub if they were interested.

      • There’s nothing to beat the satisfaction of handrearing a lovely lamb and eating it, is there?

        My local landowner’s a bit careful with the money. His keepers are on zero hours contracts, but this time of year they earn a bonus by collecting roadkill for his game larder. Saves on ammunition, apparently.

  13. Dianne Abbott in a g string? Fuck me, you really a a pissed up cunt for thinking about that, the g string would have to be made out of reinforced steel, I bet only Jeremy Corbyn has been the only person who has seen that, and for the good of human kind must that image never be in the public domain

  14. There aren’t many cuntings I haven’t gone along with but this is one.

    I was introduced to beer from a very early age.
    As a baby and toddler I was bathed in cheap Australian lager….
    It was only when I reached 28 that my parents admitted that I had been Fostered.

    Alright . . . . . it’s a fuckin’ repeat but if the BBC can get away with it this time of year, I sure as fuck can.

  15. I found German Beer very deceptive, I spent some time in the Hartz mountains and partook in their southern German beverage which compared to the northern German brew is crisp untainted and like lemonade, Until you try to walk that is, I don’t think it was the high altitude but the quality of the stuff.

    • The Germans only allow malt in their brews – no added sugar or corn syrup. Hence the great quality.

      • I read that article differently. The updated reinheitsgebot still applies to bottom-fermented beers produced in Germany, although not to top-fermented ones such as lager. Certain additives to the former are now allowed, but not sugar. The original law was Bavarian, yes. A beer-like product not complying may not be called ‘bier’ There are exceptions, and it’s rather complicated.

        Further reading here:

        http://allaboutbeer.com/article/happy-birthday-reinheitsgebot/

      • I’ve only had red beer “roja”) in Chile and it just drank itself. Lovely. Think it was a Czech expat firm that started it there.

    • I was out in the sticks in Ukraine some years ago and, since it was my birthday I thought I would partake. I tried this bottled beer (called something like ‘Львівске Пиво’, simply beer from Lviv) that tasted like Double Diamond and was really smooth. It was hot and I knocked back a 500ml bottle and after a few minutes I wondered what the fuck had hit me. I looked at the bottle a little more carefully, once I could focus, and it was 13% abv. What with a shit exchange rate against the £ and buying my money on the black market (getting 10x the official rate) it worked out at less than 1p a bottle, half-decent champagne came in at 3p, and I could get Benson and Hedges for 2p a pack. Fucking marvellous place.

      • There is a place in BiH called market Arizona, it has sanitised its self since the war, But it used to be possible to pop in there with a packet of fags, speak to the right person and they would make however thousand counter fit ones for you in a week or so.
        Occasionally I am in Kosica but I tend not to go into Ukraine, it could be misconstrued that I am connected to azov where a few of my old mates work and to be honest I can do without the shit at my time of life.

    • The Oktoberfest in Munich, is a sight to behold if you love your beers.

      I’ve been three or four times over the years, and you can really tell the difference in quality compared to some of the shite we have over here.

  16. Right now any alcohol and hard drugs would be welcome. What leads me down this path?

    Banks
    Solicitors
    Estate Agents

    Nuff said

      • Moving Bertie, Though with the clown posse involved in the process I may well be moving underground permanently by the time they are done.

        Moving house seeks to involve as many cunts as one human can cope with, then they bring in more cunts to make sure their coverage of cunts is total.

      • Estate Agents seem to be hated as much as they ever were.
        The estate agents who sold my in-laws house in S.Wales were called Crook and Blight! I kid you not.
        How they can do business with that name is unbelievable.

      • I used to have a mate called Crook, a few of us went to court and sat in the Gallery just to hear the Judge address him.

        Well Mr Crook says the wig, we all started giggling like kids of course,

        Contempt of court M’Lud?

  17. And pubs (the ones that are fucking left) are now shit and all…
    Went out up town a couple of weeks ago…. I walked into a bar I used to go in and everyone – every fucking cunt -was staring at their fucking phone…. I’m 40 odd and most in were half that, but when I was a young ‘un, lads chatted women up…. Absolutely no interaction whatsoever between the opposite sexes. I fucking weep for the future….When I was that age it was pubs, football, gigs, clubbing and shagging… What is it with these millennial fucktards? Sad fucking cunts…

    • It’s not just pubs. Walk past any coffee shop (walking past is all I ever do) and look through the window. You’ll see them all sat there on their phones and totally ignoring each other. Why bother leaving the house?

      • I think young people have lost the ability to communicate and socialise in the old fashioned sense. Which is a bit of an oxymoron when they spend so much time on social media!

        Give it a few more millennia and human evolution will move on to people no longer having a voice box, but will have enormous fingers, saucer-shaped eyes and a permanent bent-over frame in order to cope with the next generation of Smartphone!

  18. Beer, Rioja and rum are all that keeps me going. Otherwise I would be an even more miserable cunt. So I am not supporting this cunting.
    Although the thought of Diane Abbot in a G-string has given me the horn.

  19. Beer Goggles. Jess Phillips and Jo Swinson are two of the biggest horrors in the public domain and politics, but let me get 20 pints of beer or lager into me and I’d be silver tonguing them into a devilish threesome of headboard banging into the wee small hours. And waking up with a head full of regrets. Such is beer.

    Mother kept me on a pretty short leash as boy, one time though age of about 13 I escaped on a day trip to France, bought a crate of beer/lager from supermarket. Fucking hell I was pissed and ill. Made it all the way back to the school driveway before spewing my ring up. The teachers never even grassed me up to my parents.

  20. Cunt beer? Never! The only thing that keeps me sane at times. After working hard and the kids kicking off…it’s great to sit down and relax with a good ale. Quality over quantity these days. Fuller’s Imperial Stout my favourite. 10.7%.

  21. Any one who drinks the Spanish piss water needs there fucking heads testing. Any one who gets pissed on 5 pints of it is a lightweight cunt!!

  22. Well, I caught the dreaded lurgy this week. I’ve barely been out of bed since Sunday, eaten a couple of bits of ham on toast and a few sausages. Managed to get to the local after a bath this evening (a field away) and several double French brandy’s, a few mulled wines and at least nine pints (so my tab told me), asked the land lady to put a bit of meat in a bit of bread and I feel bloody great…they ought to put that on the NHS…

  23. Nah that’s poor adding lemonade and reducing the ABV,just order a poor man’s Black Velvet(cider instead of Champagne) it’ll have the same effect .

    • Lagers are fine too Rwac don’t know why you are so anti lager, maybe you just haven’t tried a good lager before? All you try was the commercial draft ones?!

      Theres some good craft and imported lagers out there ever try a marzen or a dopplebock?

  25. Never tried san miguel , i thought it was a Mexican beer from the name after googling surprised itsa Philippino beer .

    The red horse 8% version looks interesting their standard san miguel just looks like a normal imported draft lager nothing special but i’m sure its alright

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