Time out screens

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Time out screens on mobile phones.

I should probably nominate myself for doing this, I am of an age where even with the large text I cant read the bastard, But occasionally I like to see what is what and who is in trouble here, So out with the phone!

screen swipe, silly pattern, select minuscule icon, screen load, select site, select topic, find interesting comment, squint at screen and fucking blank!

Screen times out!, press unresponsive button, swipe screen, do silly pattern, try and find article that has now minimised, expand article start to read, blank screen as it times out, give up.

Phone rings half an hour later repeat stupid process answer phone to discover battery is now at 14% due to apps left open in the background.

I fucking hate these things, ideally I should have a phone that does just that or the makers of phones should knock out a model designed by the early learning centre, big buttons big screen something a bit Dom Jolly for people like me.

Nominated by Lord Benny

64 thoughts on “Time out screens”

  1. The universe has been around for 13.7 billion years and this is what we’ve become. We should’ve remained bits of dust.

    • Never mind, probably won’t be long before we are again (St Greta and THE SCIENCE tell us so)

      • Hallowed be her name. St.Greta must use two paper cups joined by a piece of string.

      • Talking of that deformed retard- I was watching a program on TV last night about the Nazca Lines. Apparently, the Nazca (as a tribe) were forced to move from the desert plains due to worldwide global warming- in 600A.D. 1400 fucking years ago, way before the industrial revolution, and long before me spending my entire youth doing donuts in 3-litre capris.
        So fuck her.

      • Fuckin ‘ell, three litre capris; beast of a car, the “British Mustang”. Not long sold our 5-litre Canadian import left-hand Mustang as those cunts Ford have started importing them officially (some with fucking 2-litre four-cylinder engines!!!!) so now every other mid-life crisis cunt who can’t get it up has gone out and bought one. Sorry Greta, my carbon footprint today was in the form of a fucking great blue cloud of V8 tyre smoke

      • Cuntzilla, that sounds too far-fetched and difficult to believe. Surely they were 2.8 litre fuel injection with bucket seats?

      • Definitely correct 3.0 l ,dads mate to own one and let me drive it.Going from a viva hc to that was scary…wooooooosh.

  2. Its a running joke in my family how and tech fucks up in my hands,
    Glitches, stuttering, turning itself off,
    It all commits suicide or has a nervous breakdown rather than spend time with me.
    Throw the fucker against a wall
    Childish cetainly,
    But the brief satisfaction of seeing it fly aparts worth it!

    • I have an equipment demonstration area at work where we demonstrate how to use tools.
      One feature is a scaffold board used to demonstrate gas nail guns.
      Nailed to the board is one sat nav that green screened on me in the middle of nowhere and a tablet that decided to encrypt emails into gibberish making me look like a right cunt.
      I did on one occasion throw a tablet out the window and made it stay in the garden over night to make it learn a lesson (that’s the one nailed to the board)

      • Worked in a lumber yard years ago, when you could just hold the trigger on compressed air nail guns and just keep going (not like now where you have to press the trigger each shot) and watched a bloke nailing 2 timbers on the floor get the air line round his feet, trip and shoot a 4-inch collated nail right into the meat of his thigh. Yer cunt did he turn white

      • with the gas combustion ones, put a towel over it and pull it back for each shot, its slow but quicker than taping the end.
        Under no circumstance attempt it with a cartridge concrete nailer, its fucking hard to do and very dangerous (inaccurate too) although there was a shit film where someone was going round shooting people with one.

    • Do they have tech in the North MNC? I thought people looked at you sideways if they saw you with an abacus 😀

  3. Quite agree,Lord B. I actually gave up with my “fancy” phone and just went back to one that can send texts and make calls. Doesn’t say much for me that I couldn’t work out how to use it, but I’ve never even mastered self-service tills so a modern phone was always going to be a walk-on-the-wild side as far as I was concerned.

    • Satnav and phone is something i need everyday for my work, been through loads of them, treacherous bastards sat navs, play up when its dark, hundred miles from home.
      My adult kids love technology and have a good relationship with it.
      Im more
      ‘its had a accident and fallen again’
      Hate the shite but need it.

      • I fucking hate sat nav. If ever we go anywhere new, unless we are looking for a specific address, we always use our tried and trusted 2008 Road Atlas. It’s never let us down yet.

      • One of the lads changed the language on my satnav to Dutch or Swedish before he went off on holiday. I thought the fucking thing was broken when she started yammering away at me is if I were a refugee asking the way to the benefits office.

        Utter Cunt.

      • Buy a new satnav every year, cunts give up the ghost after 12month in van with me, this one (TomTom)
        Has Billy Connolly as the voice,
        Always liked Billy, funny, warm personality, find his voice friendly an soothing.
        Till hes the satnav voice anyway.
        Now i hate Billy an his voice!
        Cunt wont shut up, his jokes are wearing thin, his voice now sets my teeth grinding.

      • I thought that was Dan Akroyd in the background about 5 seconds in at first glance!! Yeah I bet those cunts on the other end of the phone really sit there looking like Leslie Nielsen out of airplane in their smart uniforms

      • Bloody hell spoons, dont get me started on airplane quotes we’ll be here all day 😂

    • Nobody has mastered self-service tills. They were designed by psychopaths. Every time I make the foolish mistake of putting a bag in the bagging area, it all breaks down and says “unexpected item in bagging area”. I then have to wait for some spotty oik who is young enough to be one of my grandchildren to come and start the bloody thing again. As a result I will only ever use the old fashioned tills and deal with a real human being.

      • Real human being? I am not sure if your sainsbury has the same recruitment policy as my old one, they had a strict care in the community only rule.
        I asked one member of staff if they had any donuts in the store room and she wondered off, where the fuck she went no one knows I ended up being challenged by a storeman as to why I was loitering, I explained myself and who I was waiting for and he apologised.
        The last time I shopped there my card was declined at the check out (fucking bank had stopped it) The woman at the till pressed her little red flashing light button, started getting agitated and sweating, then stood up and shouted (almost like in a casualty department) “Can I get some help here! I have a card declined!” fucking cow, you would think I had sexually assaulted her or something the way she was shouting, and that strangely enough was the last time I shopped there.

      • …..and that’s why I shop at Tesco. Better quality morons working there!

        If I visit the next town along I occasionally visit the Sainsburys there and you are indeed correct, they do seem to employ a surprisingly high number of complete mongs. All the dregs that couldn’t find anything at the job centre seem to end up working at Sainsburys.

      • Worked there for few years, thats part of the basic training.
        When asked for something by a customer even if you know its not in stock make a show of going in the warehouse looking for it, bit daft,
        Wastes the customers time, and the staff members,
        No way theyre going to unloac a pallet of 30 boxes to open one for a single item.
        Kidology.

      • Did a summer job at “Keyway” (remember them?). Happy days. Afternoon nap on the four sacks after the bakers had gone home, smoking in the bogs and doing the crossword, damaging tins of whatever you wanted for your tea and damaging packets fo biscuits for your tea-break. Kids don’t know what they’re missing.

      • “Worked there for few years, thats part of the basic training”

        what? – for MI5 or MI6???

      • You’re better off without mate trust me, stick to counting with pebbles 🖐 my mrs has just bought one of those cuntish Google mini things, what a fucking waste of a plug socket. Now the novelty of saying “hey Google what’s the weather like in Buenos Aires” or “hey Google for fucks sake don’t play some ed Sheeran” has worn off it’ll fucking sit there unused like a pack of Johnnies in a moose limb’s bedside cabinet

  4. I have worked in tech for years, and one of the great irritations with new tech is that in one aspect its faster, sleeker and generally better than the old tech it replaced; but it also has far more annoying idiosyncrasies, such as time-outs, dual-authentication, privacy settings, power settings, application updates and shit loads more little things that come along (or pop up) just as you’re about to do something really important.

    Smart phones are the true oxymoron; they should really be re-branded dumbfuck phones, or ohforfuckssake phones.

    Video killed the radio star
    Technology will kill us all (through frustration more than anything)

    • I’m really pissed off with my phone at the moment. Some weeks ago I was forced to set up a PIN to access the phone so I could do something else security-based. I don’t remember whether or not I did what I needed to. What I do know is that now I can’t turn the fucking PIN off! I have spent weeks trolling through phone and app settings and simply cannot find the bastard thing. In the meantime, if the phone rings (incredibly rare) I have to fanny about first finding, then unlocking the phone and futilely swiping on the screen by which time it’s stopped fucking ring.

  5. I’ve got a new phone and last night I got a call from a stranger who asked me to meet him in the woods at 2am so he could take some photographs of my cock.
    Fucking weirdo never showed up….

  6. Anticipating most of Lord Benny’s points, I knew long ago I would hate smart phones, and never bought one*. I have a no-frills unit which does calls, texts and a supremely irritating ringtone. It also times-out inconveniently and its menu consists of random items chained in illogical order. These features are not restricted to smartphones. It seems now to be impossible to buy a simple phone.

    The aim of the techno industry, like that of H.Ford back in the day, is to make the consumer (-unit) moderately dissatisfied with what he bought last year by adding bells and whistles to this year’s model. The dissatisfaction can nowadays be amplified by social media and peer group pressure to ensure the manufacturer’s shareholders enjoy a luxurious retirement.

    The process is further aided by every retailer, and every bank, assuming that you have a smartphone bursting with apps, including one to spend yet more of your credit quota on something you don’t need without even taking the thing out of your pocket. Or arse, if that’s where you keep it. Personal transactions? Oh, ho, ho, ho, no, Sir, there’s the machine . Just wave your flashy light box somewhere near it and fuck off like a good consumer unit.

    A complete cunt, with cunt implications for all of us, and don’t get me started on cunts developing eye deformities and arthritis of the thumb to keep up with their fellow cunts on Twatter, etc. Fuck, you got me started….(continues for hours)

    *More accurately, never contracted to be a regular blood donor to a leech embedded in my bank account. PAYG, and at least I know what I’m spending.

    • My first phone in ’95 was a contract phone for £28pm + 40p per minute for calls. I didn’t dare use the fucking thing and have been on payg ever since. I spend about £2 per month and almost all of that is background data when I’m out and about. I don’t trust my phone, or any phone, and no way would I use it to pay for stuff, that’s what cash and cards are for.

  7. Does anyone else play the “what word has triggered moderation this time” game with themselves??? Going through a post I just wrote and buggered if I know…. “Canad*an” maybe? Or “Br*tish” – too jingoistic?

    Fuck knows, I put it through manually.

    Checking the server box I noticed it was a bit wet and smelly, possible that night admin got pissed again and slashed on it or knocked his tin of beer over on it, not quite sure.

  8. Agreed.

    Agreed. Twice because apparently the word Agreed on its own is too short a comment … cunt.

    Fucking “shortist”

  10. The more technology the better,it’s all shit but a scientist on the telly told me it makes the weather warmer.
    Or the sea bigger fuck knows.
    Bill Gates is a CUNT.He killed all the little seals.

  11. I don’t have a computer, but if I did, I’d like one with windows xp with the paperclip/puppy, and minesweeper, ms-dos. I loved playing prince of Persia and making him hump a wall.
    😀

  12. Being a sad IT geek, you may be surprised to know that a typical keyboard carries with it a shitload of germs!

    I’ve dismantled a few keyboards and laptop keyboards in my time, and the amount of shite you find wedged between the keys is real fucking eye opener!

    Bit of old decaying meat (chicken or ham, who the fuck knows)
    moldy bread crumbs
    finger nail clippings
    coffee/tea/coke stains
    congealed milk or yogurt (trying to avoid thinking about it might have been spunk!)
    melted chocolate
    hair
    dandruff …. to name but a few!

    Next time you get a few seconds tip your keyboard on its edge so the keys are facing you, and give it a tap against your desk. You’ll probably see a shitload of gunk fall out.

    Enjoy!

  13. My first mobile phone in 1994 was a Mercury M301. It cost £250 and it was on a £25 per month contract for unlimited calls. Useless piece of crap, was about three inches thick, with a flimsy plastic aerial, which made no difference to the reception, whether in or fully out. It promised twelve hours standby and 55 minutes talktime. But you’d be lucky to get ten minutes before the battery started to cut out. Then the digits and symbols on the keys got all smudged and eventually faded out.
    Since then I’ve had a basic Nokia which makes and receives calls / texts. Pure and simple, no camera, no apps, no bullshit. Just as well, otherwise I might become a phone zombie, like those cunts out there, who would probably cease to exist if you took their phone away from them.

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