Television

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Bored of living, but can’t bring yourself to admit it?

Then why not watch television! Without any physical effort on your part you can switch off your brain and allow television to occupy your entire life. Not only can you exclude the rest of the world including your family, you can also allow deviant ideas about the entire world to be fed directly into the centre of your mind.

Thanks to television you can kiss goodbye to delusions of grandeur and get used to a constant downward spiral when it comes to acting, drama, sport and music. Thanks to the wonder of television you can now sell your soul and pay good money to corrupt organisations who harbour criminals of all descriptions.

And there’s more!

Thanks to television you will lose all self-respect and utterly fail to do anything about anything at all that bothers you. You will even fail to stop watching. You can delight in the freedom from hobbies and other cumbersome, past times. Why do something difficult, rewarding, creative or passionate when you just prop open your eyelids and stare?

Wait! It gets better!

For those who still crave some kind of interaction with others – now you can endlessly talk about television! Amazing!

And finally –

The deluxe package for the dedicated viewer – television can exceed your wildest dreams by ensuring both a breathtaking decline in fitness and a mind blowing increase in weight. Some of our prestige customers have even had the side of their houses removed in order to attend hospital! Many of our best customers have died watching television!

Do you want to forget how to spell and perform basic arithmetic?
Do you want to forget about real people and adore cunts with topknots and vacuous slags instead?
Would you like to forget all the finer details about everything, and enter into a world of fuzzy misdirection?

Don’t get left behind! Watch television now, you stupid cunt!

Nominated by Cuntflap

111 thoughts on “Television”

  1. Television, once upon a time, could educate and inspire – as the BBC mantra used to be – long before the incurable disease of social justice became terminal – ‘inform, educate and entertain’.

    Without TV I would never have seen stuff such as Fred Dibnah’s steeplejacking, Michael Palin’s Round The World, hard-hitting social commentary films like ‘Scum’ and ‘Threads’, Michael Burke’s covering of the African famines and plenty of other excellent programmes.

    Modern TV is of course just an open sewer of Reality TV, social media validation and catering to the lowest common denominator – the promotion of vacuous, talentless scumcunts; the agenda-driven modern film liberal indoctrination; the sterile soft-porn music videos accompanying biscuit-tin beats and rantings from angry enrichers; and worst of all, Phillip fucking Schofield.

    Imagine Fred Dibnah trying to get on TV now. I have never been as fucking terrified watching TV as I was seeing him, hundreds of feet off the ground, swinging wildly around a chimney stack with no harness and only a bo’sun’s chair keeping him from being at one with the pavement.

    • Those 70s and 80s episodes of “The Open University” at 12 midnight, always bored the tits off of me.

      But then I always wanted to know who eventually won that nougats & crosses game between the clown and the girl on the test card!

      • That test card was oddly mesmerising.

        In one of those pre-internet memories that you can never find now, I am sure that one of the awful porn channels on cable back in the late 90s, like Red Hot Dutch or more likely some similar UK tripe, adapted that classic BBC test card to show a topless blonde and the clown’s eyes bulging towards her substantial milkers. Needs citation.

      • Victor Lewis-Smith’s TV offal episodes are worth a gander on Youtube. Especially the Gay Daleks (“they experminate”).

        There used to be a brilliant website called TV cream, but I think that has been taken down due to copyright.

    • Well said ECB – I remember the “Ascent of Man”, presented by Jacob Brownoski. Not a fucking gimmick in sight, no dressing up, or stupid vignettes. Just a very clever bloke presenting some scientific truth. An hour of pure TV bliss. Thick cunts have a 2 second attention span now. Plus, it would all have to be how we are all related to a single Dark key, and how pooftah-ism will save the world.

      Cunts.

      • Compare someone like Brownoski to a modern cunt like Brian Cox “space it’s brilliant innit”
        Ascent of Man, Cosmos with Carl Segan, The World at War, The Sky at Night with Patrick Moore, and loads of other really good shows.

      • To be fair he did start the series in Tanzania where he talked about the first humans.

        It was a towering achievement in television and inspired Sagan to make Cosmos.

        And Threads?… fuck me, serious horror. Blows away anything Hollywood has made.

    • Welcome to the beautiful world of the torrent shop. We have everything your heart desires and more. Get the latest series just to have a look, if it’s wank then fuck it off. A good VPN costs alot less than Cuntflix. Fuck television, it’s a great big pile of agenda pushing bullshit. What I never got my head round is Coast gets a 10 minute slot, but brain deadenders gets (at a guess) 200 hours a week.
      Cunts

  2. Terrestrial TV can go fuck itself! I am determined to no longer renew my licence for such utter shit that all 5 channels are throwing out these days.

    As for Sky, Virgin Media, Netflix etc. all complete wank, and all of it coming at a huge monthly cost. Fuck all that: give me other things to do like going out, or playing board games, reading books or doing anything that doesn’t involve sitting in the living room for 3 or 4 hours of an evening staring at 46″ of plastic and glass.

    TV is a cunt (other than for porn and ogling Felicity kendall in “The Good Life”)

    • “TV is a cunt (other than for porn and ogling Felicity kendall in “The Good Life”)”

      When I was a teenager in the 1990s, I remember that Channel 4 especially used to show a lot of late-night, arty international films that had some joyously explicit sex scenes. Usually on a Friday after Eurotrash, if I’m not mistaken.

      This has served me well in later life, because I can pretend that I am a real man of culture, being able to cite many Spanish, Italian and Japanese works of renowned or underground directors; when in reality, I only know these films because I spent my youth wanking myself silly over films like ‘The Tit and The Moon’.

      • Yes I would agree with Ch4 back in the day. it certainly kicked BBC and ITV right in the balls when it came to edgy tv back in the 80 and 90s.

        I think they used to have adult films that had a pre-warning icon suggesting “adult content” – which only went on to attract all the underage wankers and older perverts (me) to tune in!

        Then of course there was The Tube with Jules Holland and Paula Yates – radical back then, but complete wank today

      • Bullseye was,and is,a televisual triumph.
        All else withers before it.
        Apart from Dad’s Army possibly.
        Great cunting indeed!
        Fuck the Supreme Court and Ant and Kek.
        Get fucked.

      • Didn’t they show a red dot in the corner if it was going to have filth in it? My mum always used to watch it for that.

  3. Great cunting.

    I don’t watch TV at all these days. My poor telly is literally gathering dust. I watch actually INFORMATIVE and INTERESTING things on the likes of YouTube and Amazon Prime on my laptop. Good documentaries, crime shows and biographies are my faves and a decent movie that I can watch at my own leisure without being interrupted by vacuous ads.

    There is almost nothing of any worth watching on TV these days. The BBC just pander to the liberal element all of the damned time. Even their drama programmes (which used to be revered back in the day) are infested with PC pandering. Then they spew out cheap shit and fixed shit like bloody ‘Strictly Come Cunting’…..I cannot be doing with any of it.

    ITV is even worse. Their programming is utter shite. Reality shows, fixed talent show bollocks, those two twats Ant and Dec, Piers fucking Morgan who seems to be on everything these days……it is all cuntery.

    There are only three terrestrial shows I watch now (still on my laptop on catch-up) ‘EastEnders’, ‘Neighbours’ and ‘Corrie’. Yes, I know. They too are not exactly brain fodder, but I am afraid that having watched them all for years and years, they are the televisual equivalent of Crack Cocaine for me.

    • Nurse Cunty – that’s where you are obviously going wrong – “allowing your telly to gather dust.” Shouldn’t you be using your vacuum cleaner for that?

      • TVs can nowadays self-identify as rampant suckers…

        Do please check the spare room and cupboards for any potential problem appliances.
        SMEG worries me a lot…

      • Indeed BBU, you are totally right of course. I am sadly a lazy cunt who cannot be arsed.

        Once the dust reaches ceiling level, I contemplate giving it a wee wipe……

      • Don’t worry, when we’ve collected enough to get you that dream home that was mentioned a while back, it will also come with a Polish cleaner!

  4. To pay licence money for the privilege of being spoonfed propaganda tailored, biased news, or comedies deficient in…erm, comedy?

    No thanks. I’d rather be teabagged by Serena Tyson or give the Flabbotasaurus a mouth-to-mouth after a all-you-can-eat Nando’s scoffathon.

    • It’s not a box anymore Sixdog and it’s fucking huge and on the wall. Still the same old bollocks though.

      • The only good thing about 4K TV is better quality tits!

        But the downside is high-resolution pics of cunts like Gina Miller, Steptoe, Flabbott and Thundercunt (who must be a candidate for “cunt of the year” next year!)

    • …or the One Eyed Commie in the Corner as I call it.

      Fancy a blast from the past? Then who remembers “Out of Town” with Jack Hargreaves? Fucking yop bloke and a brilliant show that, I remember him once referring to grayling as “…the Cape coloured of game fish.” Ahhh… a different age for sure. Pretty sure the Fast Show ripped the format for their “Bob Flemming” sketches set in a rural barn and featuring Higson coughing his guts up every three seconds and blasting off shotguns into the set at each convulsion. Yer man Hargreaves also did a bit on How if I remember correctly.

      Modern broadcast output is just drek! Overwhelmingly facile and superficial, infantilising, incorrigably agenda driven, presumes no intellect in the intended audience coupled to a bovine docility in its acceptence.

  6. I don’t watch TV anymore so I’ve put it up for sale on eBay.

    No bids yet but loads of watchers…..the cunts.

    • Yeah Tv’s great isnt it?
      From dads army to the Simpson’s always something when I get home from work to relax with!
      Yes tvs great, informative? Everything i know I learnt from Tv!
      Imagine no TV? Id have to read a book!! Fuck that !
      Yes all the impartial news upto date,
      Unbiased documentaries!
      Lets have a big cheer for television!!

      HURRAH!!!🎈

  7. I do watch but selectively record what I want, although I admit to watching the Chase with my tea and the first 10 minutes of the 6 oclock news.
    I have never seen Ant & fucking Dec, any reality bollocks, the fucking X factor and it’s ilk, soap operas or Strictly cum wanking. The only adverts I see are around the Chase – bingo, over 50s life insurance and no win no fee lawyers. All totally wasted on me and highly irritating.
    But yes, by and large tv is a cunt, but what worries me is that people willingly watch the 95% shite that is aired.

  8. Jesus christ, why was that in moderation?
    On topic, no hatred, no naughty words!
    Honestly, im a martyr to moderation,
    Really am.😣

    • I got put in for ‘dw@fs’ the other day, never to be seen again. The Little People of Hobbiton it is then, which isn’t at all patronizing. There could be a little chain gang ‘doin time in mod’, one in, one out.

      • Cant for the life of me figure out what triggered it LL!
        Wasnt particularly serious anyway,
        but was completely inoffensive,
        Then other posts i do like Hitler with tourettes? ..sail straight through.

  10. Never mind fucking TV, Radio four are wanking themselves into a frenzy, over today’s judgment in the high cunt. If there is a single theme, it’s Boris should resign. Of course they are, as everyone knows, though labour will never admit it, that Corbyn could never win an election with Johnson in the other corner. Gollum like feeble cunt Rory Stewart bleating on like he’s some kind of world class statesman, rather than the shallow puddle of piss that he is.

  11. I can remember some great Tv as a kid Steptoe &Son ,The Prisoner being one of my favourites . Tufty probably being a big fan.
    But I can also remember being bored to death with shite such as Sing something Simple on a Sunday night with the Black & White minstrels,
    The Golden Shot.
    Farm Progress.
    Double your money
    Opportunity knocks.
    Morcombe & Cunting Wise.
    Sunday night at the Paladium.
    Sale of the Century.

    • As a young boy I found myself fascinated by Ann Aston when The Golden Shot was on, but I wasn’t yet old enough to know why… 😁

    • Agree Fenton – TV was the bees-knees when we were growing up… and occasionally in the last 20 years.

      Till Death Us Do Part
      Rising Damp
      Hancock’s Half Hour
      Reginald Perrin
      Python
      Blackadder
      Dad’s Army
      Yes Minister
      Ideal
      Jam
      Brass Eye
      Cheers
      Seinfeld
      Curb Your Enthusiasm
      The Saint
      Danger Man
      Man In A Suitcase
      Dalziel And Pascoe
      Dexter
      The World At War
      Columbo
      Monk

      Tip of the iceberg.

      • Whatever happened to “The Prisoner?”
        “Tip of the Iceberg?”
        Never saw that. Was that the documentary about the Titanic?”

      • Evening Blunty – sorry, missed your reply till just now. See my reply to TEGC @ 10:28pm.

        Ti-fucking-tanic indeed… bet that was one of Percy’s.

      • My comment has only just come out of moderation from 3 hours ago!
        Don’t mention that bird!🦜
        I’ll have to tell you about his latest exploits
        tomorrow.
        A very good evening. You are more magnanimous than even the great Captain.
        😊

      • That went into moderation due to the word docümentary. It’s the word cüm that does it. Ridiculous.

        Sleep well.

      • Well spotted TEGC. But Fenton name-checked The Prisoner in his post above, otherwise it would have been first on my list, naturally.

        I just added a few more titles.

  13. There used to be only two or three television channels and they only broadcast during certain times – no breakfast or mid-afternoon stuff and the channel was usually shut down around 11 p.m. Much of the material was laughable by today´s standards but there was also good stuff. There were also not so many people involved and TV was known as “Bob Monkhouse with knobs on”.

    Nowadays you can have access to hundreds of TV channels 24 hours a day and the quality is far worse. All this space has to be filled so there is also now an industry to plug those 24-hour schedules which is why so many repulsive celebs like Jamie Oliver and Stephen Fry have sprung up.

    Bring back “Dr. Cameron´s Casebook”, “Johnny and Fanny Craddock”, “The Avengers” and “Tonight”!

    • Old grey whistle test, go with noakes,
      Rentaghost, the sweeney, Arthur c clarkes mysterious world, world in action with mountain as theme tune!
      Sorry Cuntflap! Great nom but i love telly!

    • How is Dr Cameron these days Mr Polly? I hope he’s in fine fettle.

      Please remember me to him.

      • Thanks for asking RTC. You´re not a bad lad for a Sassaenach. Dr C. has gone a bit quiet and no longer reads ISAC pieces on Scotland as he knows he will say something he will regret later and does not want to break the golden rule about not cunting the cunters. (Shocking language I iuse, he says!)

        Still, so long as Janet is around with a bannock and a wee toddy and that insufferable Dr Snoddy keeps his Calvinist mouth shut about the evils of sin then he is OK. He is still unsure whether it was a good idea to bring that dashing young Dr Finlay into the practice though. In fact, that young whippersnapper Finlay claims Dr C is now so senile that he forgot the program was called “Dr Finlay´s Casebook”. Hmmm. A likely story.

        A word from the good doctor himself:
        “Janet, be a guid lassie and come o´er and gie me one o`those special massages of yours. Ye ken jist doon there whaur ma mamie never kissed me.”
        “Right you are Dr Cameron. I´ll jist slip into that schoolgirl costume ye seem to like so much before I get down to it.”

        Guid nicht frae Tannochbrae.

      • Ta for the comprehensive update Mr Polly. Tell Dr Cameron I forgive him for his cunting of The English. Can’t speak for the other cunters though.

        You ain’t bad for a Scotch geezer. Dr Finlay is an upstart and Janet gives me the fucking horn.

        Be seeing you. 🙂

  14. Television and media in general have been warning about the rise of the far right.

    The powers that be are about to see the last remaining power (an unstable government) on the side of brexit removed.

    Once Brexit is buried the media will cover any protests with headlines such as ‘The far right March through (pick a town).

    The protests will of course be disrupted by the heroic anti Nazis who will attack people and riot, how long until people are frightened of protesting and being branded far right? How many leavers will be attacked or have their homes and businesses vandalised.

    Television parroting the big lie until it’s the accepted truth.

    • Nicely put as ever SixD

      “Once Brexit is buried…”

      Speaking of ‘burials’ one cannot fail to note that the one thing that HAS been well and truly buried is the prime mover of the vote to leave – immigration! Not a mention has it got bar one brief semi-literate, toothless vox pop from Derby a few days ago. How is this so? The propagandised media pure and simple, they think that by raising a manufactured shit storm and saturation coverage about the prevarications of the H of C or the mendacity of MPs or a suddenly crucial point of constituional law, that we’ve all magically forgotten WHY we voted to get the fuck out in the first place. We haven’t.

  15. Your proposal is a most tempting one Cuntflap. But in the words of Bartleby, the Scrivener:

    “I would prefer not to.”

    Nor would I choose to be without my TV. For an hour or two each day, along with radio, I find it a worthwhile device and occasional source of entertainment.

    I enjoy being exposed to as wide a range of opinions as possible, even those I disagree with or find despicable.

    As Sun Tzu wrote in The Art of War, Circa 600 BC:

    “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succümb in every battle.”

    Unlike many these days I have a highly developed personal crap detector that filters out propaganda, doublespeak and crooked thinking in the Media. Furthermore I pre-record everything I want to watch and view it at a time of my own choosing. Except for the occasional dip into the News or Parliament channels.

    All advertisements are either edited out or skipped through – don’t think I’ve watched an advert or trailer on TV for over 15 years.

    Very rarely watch any of the current crop of dramas or comedies. Instead I have hundreds of great films and classic comedies on DVD, the majority spanning 1920s – 1990s, more than enough quality viewing to keep me going until they take me away in the black wheelie bin…

    Naturally my missus has her own TV and viewing habits which I would prefer not think about.

    Television is not the problem, it’s the use or abuse, by the broadcasters or sheeple.

    Discernment in all things, that is what is required. And self discipline.

  16. Ok for the football and cricket, especially if you have IPTV (I would have no idea what this is though), but that’s about it. This thing that I know nothing about, gives customers access to pretty much every Premier League game and every big cricket match live.

    Mind you, even that escapism is being ruined by them having to put wimmin on as pundits on the men’s game. Well, so I’ve heard anyway.

  17. I take Cuntflap’s point about the general state of television these days. For years now, most of my viewing has been on the documentary channels where you can watch good quality programmes on science, criminal investigation, wildlife etc. Of course you still get rubbish like ‘If Hitler’s scientists had invented ray guns and flying saucers would it have affected the outcome of world war two?’ but most nights there’s a reasonable selection.

    • I think Creampuff was on ‘Flog It!’ recently, getting the Manors collection of tasteful Toby Jugs valued in case for the need of ready cash when Brexit happens and we revert to the 10th century.

      • Nah – that was my vintage collection of continental hard-core porn magazines.

        Color Climax, Swedish Erotica, Teenage Sex, Rodox, Sexorama – to name just a few off the top of my swollen bellend.

        Naturally I was gobsmacked by the astronomically high valuation!

        Happier, simpler times.

        Evening LL… evening Miles.

      • I was on ‘Granada Soccer Night’ in 1991… When with the rest of the Stretford End I sang ‘Elton Welsby is a wanker!’…

    • I have. One of those ‘Fly On The Wall’ things that followed us for a while. I was younger, then. Nowadays I’d tell them to fuck off. (I still have it on DVD, though. For the kids, of course…).

    • I was in an episode of the comic strip. It was ‘the Strike’ and it was filmed locally, and I spent three days as an extra. Chatted with all the cast, and fair play, they were all tidy people. I was at Donnington monsters of rock the year before, and they were there on stage, filming the ‘More Bad News’ episode. I took some tidy photos that day, and I took them to show them. I handed them to Peter Richardson, who was directing, and genuinely enthusiastic, calling Ade Edmondson and Nigel Planer over to see them. They all had a good laugh, and signed them, which was pretty cool, as it was quite hectic. They were my comedy heroes at the time, the Young Ones, and the Comic Strip, particularly Fistful of Travellers Cheques, Mr Jolly, and of course, Bad News were VHS staples. Got paid too!

  19. No, that’s not technically correct. Just remembered.I coughed on television. I was in Sheffield pissed. And I thought I can sneak in here-the World Snooker Championshi at the Crucible. So I sneaked in. But I had to get the late bus back. So I thought to PROVE I had got in I will cough after this next blue. When I got home I told the story and shushing everybody until it was time. Then the blue. Then my cough. Greeted with absolute indifference.

    • Hello Miles. Were you that twat who coughed on Who Wants to be a Millionaire years back when a correct answer was given? You were a friend of that Charles Ingram chappy weren’t you?

      • Yeah Bertie could have got the idea off me. I better say I was only about 17. I know Alex Higgins was playing. I can’t remember his opponent.
        Always found it so exciting sneaking into places. I remember sneaking into ‘Dirty Harry’. ‘This gun can blow your head clean off’.

  20. Looks like the BBC is leading the charge to take the Queen down with Boris.

    Ladies and Gentleman and the non binary or gender fluid and oh don’t forget those who identify as porcupines.

    I give you the new head of state and president of the united people’s republic of Corbyn, insert your own favourite remain cunt here.

    Your country now ceases to exist as your areas membership of its EU region takes precedence.

    National flags can only be flown on public holidays. The BBC will now be the EBC but you formerly British cunts will still be paying for it.

    You begin driving on the right at midnight Sunday.

    Your bank will automatically change your balances to Euros tomorrow. You may exchange your remaining cash for Euro’s until Friday, after that the pound is no longer a currency.

    Remember you must notify the authorities of any spare rooms in your home before the end of the month, we have many EU citizens in need of these rooms, failure to notify the authorities of spare accommodation in your residence will result in the confiscation of your property without recall to appeal.

    • This is a frightening scenario Sixdog but in the present climate, it could all come to pass!

      • The democrats are launching impeachment proceedings against Trump. At time of the referendum and then Trumps election I believed the west had awoken but the deep state had all the required tools, the media, the judiciary and most of all us the sheeple who failed to take the opportunity to stop the globalist plans. I was naive.

        We are likely to have a Labour led coalition government within weeks. Comrade Corbyn with Nicola Sturgeon and Jo Swinson will shape our future aided and abetted by the likes of David Lammy and that cunt Rory Stewart spouting progressive doctrine all televised for the masses.

        Sorry Winston, but I’m afraid this is our darkest hour.

  21. Me and my van were on news at a Tommy Robinson demo if that counts?
    And think my builders arse might be in background of that ‘cheshire housewives’ thing, was doing a job while they were filming inside.
    Was on front of manchester evening news with the dog though!!🎬

  22. Baroness Hale….the kind of old Doris who should be doing a couple of hours at the RSPCA dogshelter in the morning, an hour or so at the charity shop in the afternoon and then in bed by 7pm. Exactly the sort of fucking old cow who voted leave.
    Except she didn’t……..because she’s stinking rich!

  24. Well every cloud has a silver lining, Spurs you cunts, thank you for cheering me up, I hope the penalty shoot outs on the TV

  26. Telly was so much better years ago, even though there were only three channels . Stagger home from the pub with steak and kidney pudding, chips, peas and gravy, or alternatively, get a roasted woody out of the pantry.
    Settle down in front of the telly to watch a film, Night of the Demon / Twins of Evil, or something similar.Fall asleep at some point in the proceedings and wake up in the wee small hours to a snowscreen and that high pitched buzzing noise, broadcasting having ceased and transmission ‘ closed down ‘ .
    The BBC used to play the national anthem at closedown. I would proudly stand whilst giving the old stiff armed nazi salute with my left index finger under me hooter.
    Then retire to bed sniggering.
    Get To Fuck.

  27. Anyone remember “The singing ringing tree ?
    It was one of those strange Tales From Europe in the 60’s or maybe 50’s

  29. Off-topic, and genuine apologies, but Thornpiggerry has been condemned for comparing the LimpDumps to the Taliban.
    An appalling slur, indeed, on the Taliban. If I were their chief, I’d be on the blower to Carter-Fuck demanding damages.

  30. If Corbyn takes over, there’s a good chance that he will shut down and/or nationalise the tv stations, as part of his state owned everything dogma. Will this improve what’s on tv now, be about the same, or make it worse? Discuss!

    • My good lady is I have to say very superficial. Yes ‘Ibiza Weekender’, ‘Naked Attraction’, ‘The Circle’ tonight. Honest I think I would genuinely prefer Socialist Propaganda.

    • Yeah Catweazle is going to give us free prescriptions, a four day week and abolish private education.
      And he thinks the ruling class is going to allow that?
      Sorry , must rush…..just seen some fairies at the bottom of the garden…..interfering with my pet frogs!
      Cunts!

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