I would like to nominate the delivery company DPD.
Now, you would think that the delivery of parcels would be a fairly simple and straight forward business, one that it’s hard to mess up. Unfortunately, in my bitter experience, DPD seem to be constantly able to find new and complex ways of fucking things up royally.
The latest parcel that DPD attempted to deliver was “not eligible for collection” from the depot, according to the DPD website. This instantly made things more complex, meaning that I either have to take a day off work, or ask one of my neighbours to receive the parcel. Fortunately, one of my neighbours very kindly agreed to sign for the parcel, so I breathed a sigh of relief and got back to other things. However, DPD then fails to deliver to the neighbour. In the past, I have been able to salvage similar situations by calling the DPD helpline early in the morning, to talk to a human being and try to establish a time I can go to the depot. When I try the phone line, I now get an automated voice message saying that the line is not available. No replacement number, just “not available”. Utterly useless. I check the website again, which says that the parcel is waiting at the depot. I then carefully plan to finish work at 4 pm the next day and get a taxi up to DPD depot. After much scratching of heads, and whispered conversations, my DPD pals first tell me that the parcel codes are not on the system, and then a bit later that the parcels have been returned to sender. The whole thing is an absolute farce, which would probably have been funny if I hadn’t just wasted £25 on a taxi, and if I were not waving goodbye to the books I had ordered.
DPD couldn’t find their collective arses if you gave them a map and a tutorial video. They are the most useless collection of clowns I have ever had the misfortune to encounter. I don’t think it’s appropriate to describe them as cunts, as I feel this is far too cuddly a term for them.
DPD are shit. Just absolute shit. I sincerely hope their useless company is flushed away in the very near future.
Nominated by WearyAndDisgusted
Good Morning
They are the worst of the courier companies but TNT are not too far behind. I have parcels sent by couriers from Italy and Spain to customers over Europe. You can guarantee an Express delivery will be about 4 days when we have paid for 24 hours. I had a very pretty girl in Czech Republic going potty at me yesterday because of these shits. Similarly with DPD I have told my mates not to use them at all. They are all cunts apart from the big 3 and CSM in the U.K.
4
Hermes are uber-cunts. They just destroyed an item a posted to my sone – a nice pair of jeans. I suspect they were nicked. They even wriggled out of the insurance payment. I just gave up as it wasn’t worth em wasting my time. Fucking cunts they are.
5
I’ll second Hermes. I once also ordered some clothes that never turned up, after much pissing about liaising with the sender, they claimed that I had already signed for and received said package.
After telling them in no uncertain terms that I absolutely did not, they sent me a copy of “my” signature that turned out to be nothing but an “X”.
Naturally I disputed such, which triggered a criminal investigation from their end. Miraculously the day after that, my package arrived, thrown over the back fence into the garden in the midst of a downpour. They were wise not to knock and give it to me in person too, the sly thieving cunts.
7
What books were you ordering?
Was it the latest tombe by Katie Price? David Lammy’s guide to playing the race card? Perhaps, “How to escape from a plantation” by Gina Millar published by Um Bongo books.
I know: “How to be an utter screeching cunt” By Greta austicticunt with a forward by Jezza.
17
I think it might have been…”Mr Straightman : Why Krav Will Never Have My Arse” by Justin Beiber.
5
“I am, and always have been, a complete and utter cunt. I am not ashamed. The biography of Sepp Blatter.”
5
Tony Blair surely?
Actually, on reflection, it could have been any one of a thousand cunts. I’ll have to look it up.
4
Always found DPD to be good,the worst courier around by me is Yodel ,now they are Cunts.
3
Great cunting! Enjoyed reading that.
Yeah we get quite a few parcels but both me &mrs. Out at work and so are
The kids.
Yodel are fuckin useless, told the dozy cunts if no neighbours in to sign fior it leave it in paper recycling bin, never do!
Seem to employ the thickest twat they can find thats fresh off the banana boat.
10
I’m a courier. The work I do is dedicated same day business to business stuff, not parcel delivery as done by the likes of DPD and TNT. However, at least once a week either myself or another driver on the books of the small company we work for (we’re all self-employed actually) is asked to undertake a job in order to sort out a fuck up by one of these showers of shite.
They are indeed fucking clueless. They routinely lose or damage goods and their drivers are usually Booshkas who have very dodgy credentials (licences etc) and whom they pay peanuts. Ultimately, you get what you pay for and these companies are cunts.
8
Dpd are shit, once delivered a parcel to me, told the fella there should be something else on there for me, he was adamant there was nowt else, 4 hours later the cunt comes back with my other parcel
“oh looks like i was wrong” he says,
Aye no fuckin shit pal, although i have to say from what I’ve been told they’re a shit firm to work for so theres no incentive to get the job done correctly (apart from the fact it’s their fuckin job)
8
The DPD fella that I have is good,it’s the Yodel lad that fucks me off. I’d warned him a couple of times about driving too fast up the track and into the yard. I was in one of the sheds putting some fresh blades in the chippper with one of the lads when I heard a screeching of brakes and a horn blaring. It was numbnuts from Yodel who’d nearly hit one of the hounds They do.I admit,tend to run out when they hear a vehicle coming. I went across,signed for the delivery and told him,calmly for me, that if he hit one of the hounds or drove like that again on my property that the next thing that he’d be driving would be a spacca-chariot.. He said nothing and to give him his dues,does slow down now when approaching the yard.
12
Would of thought it was a given that in rural places, farms etc to drive carefully, livestock, dogs horses, farm machinery backing up etc
Like someone said think these firms put the blokes under pressure, time restraints, multi drops, shite pay etc
Can be a nightmare delivering stuff when the roads are full of mitmots.
7
Morning,MNC.
Quite agree. The lad from DPD was saying that doing the deliveries to outby places was a nightmare but slowing down a bit when driving into a yard isn’t going to slow anyone up by more than a couple of seconds.
5
Morning Dick
Whenever im working out in countryside im extra careful, never know whats round a blind corner!
Yesterday saw a traditional barrel topped gypsy caravan, all hand painted, being put in a field! Presume its a rich mans plaything or glamping rather than tarmac merchants.
3
We have a top end stud near where I work, lovely chestnut brown horses with some cunt in a waxproof jacket on top, they match into the hedges and trees quite nicely, so I am particularity careful round those lanes.
However one day on the same lanes some prick boy racer went right up my arse to the extent I could not see him, it really pissed me off.
As luck would have have it a very large dead badger was in the road, I didn’t bother braking I just rolled over it (tipper type transit) I don,t know what happened to the boy racer behind me, but I do know that he wasn’t behind me at the roundabout and with no turn offs I can only assume that putrid badger vs low slung wanker mobile, badger won.
8
What steams my piss about parcel delivery drivers, Royal Mail being the exception to the rule, is when they ring the bell they’re hammering on the door before your arse has left the seat, the impatient cunts. Or their parking. Rather than walk the length of their fucking vehicle and pull in at the kerb, they abandon their vehicle in the middle of the fucking road. The cunts.
6
Indeed DCI. Those twats are paid per delivery, usually 50p. They can have up to around 150 drops per day, so you can see why they’re not in the business of hanging around….
By contrast, I will have maybe 3 drops per day, often only 1, and am paid by the mile. Got a nice little pre-booked 3-day run to Edinburgh next week which will pay me £850.
6
Too fucking right, DCI.
My poor Mum nearly had a heart attack the other night when an Amazon courier hammered on the bloody WINDOW, instead of using the door knocker like a normal person would do. It was 9.15pm as well and what’s more, our cat Del Boy was laying next to her on the sofa…..she said he nearly hit the ceiling when the cunt knocked.
Not only that but by the time she has got off the sofa, the ignorant cunt was walking away and had dumped the parcel on top of our mounted post box. The fucker couldn’t wait a few minutes.
Most of these couriers are cunts who need that handheld signature thing they carry shoved right up their anal ring.
10
When I used to live near Birmingham I never really had much bother with any of the main couriiers – Yodel dropped the ball a couple of times, as did Royal Main – but both were resolved in good time
However, since moving up to the Lake District it’s been right fucking eye-opener from all of them. DPD, Yodel, DX, RM, Herpes – all of them mostly clueless cunts with their late deliveries, alleged deliveries, part-deliveries or no fucking deliveries at all!
4
Couriers, my favourite.
I see at least 2 a day at work, most speak sat nav. (in other words no English just punch in post codes and say sign here)
A few of may favourites apart from signing for things as Rudolph Hilter.
one occasion I filled in item description as “Bomb” chap was still happy to take it.
One that subsequently back fired was sending sensitive surveying equipment back to supplier in a large Polystyrene crate, well I couldn’t help but mark it up with a transplant organs in transit sticker, They went fucking mental at the depot, it took two days of begging and a possible xray of the box before they forwarded the item to supplier.
So don’t mark boxes as organ transplant they don’t get through quicker. (it was funny though).
I also recall one supplier who asks us to photograph damaged items demanded that we send the photographs of the missing items on one consignment (we sent a picture of the floor) yes its all fun
9
At work I often sign as Yormum Luvsit, I’ve never been pulled up for it. Most delivery drivers here are from mainland China or some kind of slimey and understand little English.
6
Excellent cunting but DPD are about good as any of the others in my experience, absolutely fucking useless!!
I waited at home for something I desperately need which was apparently being delivered by YODEL? Well the cunt certainly didn’t do that! , infact I received no card! No knock at the door but was advised they had been to my house!! , so they either knocked using a fucking sponge or they are lying CUNTS! ( address post code correct)
Hermes managed to leave a parcel with a neighbour across the road but didn’t leave me a fucking card to notify me!
Only found out 3 days later when the neighbours came over to see if I okay as I hadn’t collected my parcel….
10
Needed………….
2
That’s Australia posts trick. The courier or regular postie will leave a pre written “sorry you weren’t here card” even when I’ve been in the front yard. One then has to make time during working hours to visit one of four private sublet post offices deemed to be near my house and then engage with an indifferent staff member that understands less English than my dogs.
4
Not leaving a card fucking annoys me. I’m home during the day a fair bit due to shift times so take in a fair few parcels for the neighbours, and, due to past bitter experience I make sure I fucking WATCH them put a card through said neighbours’ door as I got caught out with ‘Ya, okay boss’ just before the cunt got in his shitty transit and drove off. They always get a hearty ‘Well, go on then, I’ll watch you put it through or you can have the parcel back’, now.
3
I watched as one Yodel cunt parked over my drive, rummaged around in the back of his van for several minutes, got out and fucked off. A look at the online tracking information informed me that he’d tried to deliver and left a card, both utter bullshit. I called the office and told them he was a lying cunt as I’d been watching him. It took another 3 days for the package to be delivered. It was fucking obvious that it wasn’t on his van, just on his electronic manifest. Not the only time I’ve had shit from Yodel
3
No personal complaints re DPD, but my neighbour got some lies about a delivery that didn’t happen; suspect the worst offenders are subcontracting white van men who don’t know the routes. FedEx have repeatedly been a cunt on imported stuff (although they pay import charges, get the stuff to you and charge you later – plus point). ParcelForce have given me problems, too.
2
Tracked a parcel that got to the receiving country airport hangar then took five days to get the 400 yards to the couriers depot. An actual gastropod could’ve made that 400 yards quicker
3
That’s actually fairly normal. Also, delay between airport and (Coventry?) customs warehouse; between courier’s main depot and its local depot; between couriers, even. I file this under ‘shit happens’, these days. The best service is generally by post from China – my local postman knows where to put it if I’m not around.
2
I was one of the electrical foreman on the Coventry P/Force Sorting hub and jumped onto their maintenance team after handover (I knew where all the ‘bodies’ were buried 😉 and I shit ye not, pretty much every month the rozzers would rock up to haul off one or more of their agency staff.
DPD though, fuck me sideways what a claque of knuckle-fucking cockwits. Bought a digital drumset and got notification that it was too big for courier delivery and I’d have to pick it up in person. “Well some cunt delivered it to you didn’t they so what’s the fucking problem?? Oh fuck it, alright”. Schlepped across the city to be informed by the apathetic semi-literate ayshun front desk drone that “this nummer not on duh systimm!”
“wtf.? It was YOUR system that issued this here tracking number fer fuck’s sake”. Upshot was two hours of my life I’ll never get back sitting around their reception while they bollocked around trying to find it. Fair do’s though, it was a heavy bastard when the eventually retrieved it.
Hermes…? Have to say I can’t fault them. Over the past few years they’ve shipped over 20 guitars for me including a very fragile £2,000’s worth of Vicente Sanchis classical. Their delivery guys/gals have to hump these heavy awkwardly shaped axes up three flights and not once have they bitched about it so fair play to ’em. When someone fucks up be assured I can be a right cunt and persistent with it but my Hermes couriers always get left some good f/back. Royal Mail/ParcelFarce however can get t’ fuck. Never had a prob with shit (rarely) ordered from Chinkyland. Did order a couple of watches from Russia last year and they wrote to me saying basically… “Thankyou for your trust in ordering from us,” and going on to explain the rampant thievery within the Ruskie postal services along with the promise that if they didn’t arrive they would gladly send out a second despatch!
1
I briefly worked for Parceline, before it became or was taken over by DPD, and apparently a few weeks before I started the whole night shift had been fired, and some arrested, for a staggering number of missing mobile phones. They had a contract with one of the network providers to deliver the contract phones and were simply stealing them overnight. Unfortunately the sackings included people who had no clue what was going on and weren’t involved.
1
Oh aye Parceline… lasted 6mths with P/Farce, couldn’t stand the fucking routine, shit attitudes and shit pay so me and my oppo jumped ship onto the new build P/Line hub, out Brummigam way wasn’t it IIRC?
0
I start comprehensively corrected. Cunts they are.
1
DPD are cunts indeed.
Not only did I have parcel supposedly delivered and signed for under a different name (non English) and no where near I live, but also a timed delivery of a mobile phone due, when the van appeared delivering to a neighbour opposite my house, I watched and waited for the driver to wander over with my parcel. But no! He asked to leave it with the neighbour didn’t even attempt to deliver. Cunt.
Complained by email, got a reply with a fucking smiley emoji at the bottom.
Utter, utter fucking cunts.
2
“…got a reply with a fucking smiley emoji at the bottom”
Now y’ see… that there… I’d just see that as a provocative fucking wind up. What the hell goes through their vaccuous, infantile minds that leads them to think that a feckin’ smiley is in anyway appropriate?? All part of the adult infantilisation process, how long before you start seeing them on…
death certificates? – glumface-glumface-glumface-thumbsup
parking fines? – dollareyes-dollareyes
building quotes? – hugs-dollareyes-lovehearts
Acts of Parliament? – twofingers-ROFL-ROFL-dogshit-fuckoff
5
I see all that CC.
It seems companies employ any sort of dreck these days. They probably thought this is how you answer complaints in a fun, positive way. Fuck knows who does the staff training.
Needless to say I gave them a real verbal kicking.
1
Don’t tell me,I bet it was in Comic Sans MS too. Had a few ‘official’ ones in that very font and you think, oh fer fuck’s sake NO, so you think your addressing a 4yr old now!
0
If at all possible I get anything I order online delivered to my place of work saves all kinds of bollocks. But occasionally some people won’t send to a different address to payment one, so forced to use home address and had all the knocked and run off leaving a note bullshit well I have three poms who go apeshit when a spider spins a web so no cunt can knock and get away with it. So when the note comes through the letterbox the dogs fire up and I’m at the door to catch the cunt walking off and the absolutely bullshit they come out with is staggering, me knock door well my knocker is heavy brass and wakes the dead. Me ring bell, well fuck off I haven’t got one. Your delivery request said leave it in safe place, maybe but exposed on the doorstep a box labeled in writing “The Drinks Company” or whatever may point to some expensive stuff inside.
Delivery companies surely can be cunts.
4
‘worst clowns you’ve ever encountered-‘
With respect, you haven’t lived until you’ve tried Curry’s PC World.
Not fair comparing clowns to these Cunts. Clowns make me laugh. Those Cunts Make me sick.
2
You pay peanuts you get monkeys.
That park on the pavement like they’ve suffered a stroke.
I blame banana boats..I mean the Border Farce.
Thick cunts.
2