Mark Rylance

A swift cunting for this virtue-signalling bald Leprechaun. This fully paid up member of the millionaire mummer-tossers alongside Thompson, Watson, Cumbercunt, Knightley (Christ there’s a lot of them eh?) has announced to the completely indifferent world outside Stratford and Islington that he’s resigned from the RSC due to its sponsorship by BP.
To which I’ll ask
(a) After 30 yrs taking the shilling what took you so long to get around to it?
(b) I presume you’ll be walking from private suite to your next red carpet event or ferried by a Limo powered by fresh air and flogging your car then?
(c) What makes you think we give two turds about your opinions anyway?

Mark Rylance-if you’re reading this then take it from me…….you’re a cast iron bell-end.

Nominated by Isaac Hunt

Moon Landing Deniers

On the 50th anniversary of that most fantastic of mankind’s achievements, landing on the Moon, I would like to cunt those fuckin’ stupid cunts, Moon Landing Deniers. They are truly, truly stupid. Every single stupid, bonkers reason they care to come up with has been debunked over and over again and yet they keep spewing them out as though they are something new. There is a great video on Youtube where Buzz Aldrin punches one of the nutters right in the face. Well done Buzz! I could give numerous reasons why we know it happened, but I’ll give just one. At the height of the APOLLO programme, NASA employed 400,000 people. If it never happened, what the fuck were they all DOING?….and why has not one single person spilled the beans? We all know how hard it is to keep a secret amongst family or work colleagues, but 400,000? LOL

Nominated by Richard 1

Miserable Misogynistic Cunts

A cunting for miserable, misogynistic cunts like me.
I grew up in the 60s.
The music was great. We all had jobs or did useful courses at uni.
I didn’t know of any fucker who committed suicide or self harmed.
Trannies were female impersonators or weirdos.
We had a laugh at work, sexist cunts that we were.

We never envisaged or prepared for a world of selfies, race and identity politics, dissing on fucking social media (whatever that is), gay and trannie rights overriding common sense, liberals becoming the new Nazis, politicians who have never actually worked, a repressive religion becoming right-on and a myriad of other insults to our intelligence and values. We were never entitled.
I am a cunt adrift in a world of bullshit.

Nominated by Cunstable Cuntbubble

Anti-Smoking Nazis

It’s about time anti-smoking Nazis were nominated for a cunting. Jeremy Vine that most left wing of BBC lefties, has been whingeing about “pushed off his table in the in the sun by smoker’s lack of consideration”. He then goes on to ask if smokers should be banned from pub gardens and restaurant tables outside in this weather. Naturally, his slavish followers decided that, yes, they should.

Personally, my answer would be no. Let’s take a moment to consider the reason that smokers now occupy the outside spaces of pubs and restaurants. FUCKING WHINGEING NON-SMOKERS. For years, these miserable bastards complained about not being able to enjoy their monthly pint of Pimms in their local pub/wine bar, because of smokers sparking up a ciggie, pipe or cigar. In comes Blair and promptly bans smoking inside. Result? Thousands of pubs have forced to close through lack of business, because the once a month cunts who complained about smokers, and only went to the pub once a month, stopped going. Pub regulars also stopped going, because they realised it was cheaper and easier to buy a few bevvies from the local off-licence of supermarket, invite your mates round and sit comfortably at home, drinking, talking, watching tv, playing darts and, more importantly, smoking, without having to endure listening to some smug, sanctimonious prick complaining about how evil smoking is.

I do this with my man cave. Every Friday night, my mates and I congregate in the “105” (a reference to the 105mm field gun, beloved of members of HM Royal Regiment of Artillery). We play darts, poker, pool now that I have a table and watch TV. I now have two beer engines, so we can partake of our Thatcher’s or Boddi’s in the manner of a proper pub. Great times are had by all. And at this time of year, a Barbie is laid on. Those who partake of cigarettes may do so without criticism, I myself am partial to the odd Cuban cigar.

Anyway. It is the likes of Vine, joyless, selfish, self-important cunts, who think they have a God given right to tell everyone how they should live their lives, who are responsible for pushing smokers into beer gardens. They no right to whinge, now that the sun has finally come out, that they can’t enjoy sitting outside because of smokers. Vine, you cunt, IT’S YOUR FAULT, NOT THEIRS. You wanted smokers out of pubs, you got it. The beer gardens and outside areas of restaurants belong to smokers now. So shut your fucking mouth and deal with it.

Of course, the simple solution to this, would have been to give brewers, freeholders and other hostelry owners the choice of whether or not they would allow smoking in their premises. It would have been fair and democratic. But no, the likes of Vine and his fellow nicotine Nazis wanted it all. They got it, and now we have far fewer pubs than we should have. It would also have shown up the leftie pricks for what they are, because the pubs, clubs and restaurants that continued to allow smoking would have proven far more popular.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

Horoscopes

The wife was out last night, leaving me to my own devices. When home alone, one of my favourite pastimes (after ‘xhamster’) is a leisurely sit in the khazi. In I went, coffee in one hand, my latest library book in the other, and settled down.
To my chagrin however, I realised two pages in that I’d already read the bastard. Looking around desperately for distraction, my eyes settled on a magazine left by the missus, one of those wimminz things you see at the side of the supermarket checkout, full of riveting reads such as ‘our ten best eyelash tips’, ‘I lost twelve stone in a month’, and ‘dealing with hot flushes’.
Needless to say, I ran through this pretty sharpish, and soon got to the back page, and the fucking horoscopes. Now I’ve always regarded astrology as a steaming pile of cack for the feeble minded, but… let’s face it, you can’t resist reading horoscopes anyway.
So I had a look at mine, and I must say that I found it to be incredibly precise and accurate in my case, as I’m sure did many millions of other Sagittarians;

‘an arrangement or association could come full circle with the full moon on the 17th, when nostalgia swells, but practicality rules’.

Well I was proper shaken up by the revelations contained therein I can tell you. Intrigued, I took a look at the wife’s horoscope, only to be even more amazed;

‘you’re concerned that you might be doing something you’d advise others not to do. You’re counting chickens before they hatch. Yet you’re being pragmatic; you’re anticipating metaphorical hens and providing them with a safe space’. Erm, right…

Of course, if you want a REALLY detailed reading, you need to phone in. Weekly readings last 5 min, monthly 8 min, year ahead 13 min, all for a mere 80p a minute. The old saying goes ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’, and the gullible must rush to confirm this as the racket keeps going. The truth lay in the smallest of small print, which read (get your magnifying glass out) ‘readings are for entertainment purposes only’. Oh dear. Could this possibly mean my horoscope wasn’t worth the fucking paper it was printed on? What a swizz.

Nominated by Ron Knee