And the barbecue cunts are out again…
You know the ones… Total knobcunts who get out the barbecue as soon as it hits 20 odd degrees… They have a load of cunts round ‘to mine’… The daft tarts screech and talk blabbering crap, they play shite music, there’s idiot offspring and screaming toddlers, and the ‘new man’ cuntmong who suddenly ‘takes over’ when it’s ‘barbi time’… Said cunt talks very loudly in a ‘Look at me! I’m in charge!’ way with all that ‘Order up!’ and ‘It’s ready, guys!’ millenial speak shite… Fucking damn cunts….
Nominated by Norman
What the fuck is it with barbies?
Went into the garden yesterday to get a bit of peace and quiet and what do I get…fucking arseholes across the drive firing up the barbie, putting up smoke signals that send the local Yanks panicking tbat the indians are coming, and the overwhelming stench of lighter fuel.
Then to top it off they put up a kiddies paddling pool in the front garden. So we get all the screaming brats while the parents piss it up around the back. And what a peadophile’s photo op to boot. In my day it was called lowering the tone. Common as fucking muck. Irresponsible parenting. Simply not done.
You want a barbie? Then fuck off to Australia and leave us all in peace.
Neighbours with barbies? Fuck ’em…
Nominated by Dioclese
“cuntmong” – what a superb word. I’m going to use it all the time.
15
The one thing I hate about summer is all the barbecue cunts who make it an every evening event, and on fucking Sundays you get some kicking off at lunchtime and then more in the evening. They stink the place out. Yesterday my garden smelt worse than Jess Phillips jockstrap. You can’t sit out there because of the stench. I am sure this is just as dangerous as passive smoking because that is what it is.
16
I do like a barbecue. But then, I live in Queensland.
9
Me too, I live in Sydney, I simply turn up, get pissed, let my kids run amok and enjoy the food some other cunt has cooked for me! Soon as they know your a pommie cunt they dont let you anywhere near the fucking barbie, which is fine by me.
3
Aaaaah, Queensland ….Beautiful One Day, Perfect the Next…Cane Toad Country. Gonna get your arses kicked on Wednesday night by us Cockroaches….!
6
Come on you Blues………cracking game in Perth Grumpy, looking forward to Wednesdays encounter.
1
Fuckin hell, what a couple of old misery guts…. 😁
“When it’s summer everyone must stay indoors, in silence, and the children are not allowed to play in case in disturbs my afternoon old man nap…..”
Fuck me…. it’s summer. Lighten up.
27
It’s not the barbie per se, it’s the fucking music. Current Radio 1 bilge, or even worse, 80’s shit. Makes me want to set up a row of monitors and blast the cunts with Stand By Your Man on an endless loop.
14
You should take the jolly social occasion as an opportunity – so knock on your neighbours door, introduce yourself….then nut ’em.
14
Totally agree with the OP. People having a good time when i’m not? It shouldn’t be allowed the fucking cunts.
13
I’d pay to not go to a barbecue. Ghastly, ridiculous affairs. There’s an oven 12 feet away, just use that. Uncivilised bores pretending to enjoy Botulism in a burger. No thank you.
True story – I went to one once and the smell was so bad I had a pizza delivered.
16
I always go out and check that there has not been a plane crash, what with the stench of fuel and burning meat.
14
Or a local peaceful let a backpack off
8
Imagine if that bloke in Clapham was having a barbie when that frozen Kenyan dropped out of the sky? What a sensation that would be.
There’s a film in there somewhere.
14
The Richard Curtis-scripted BBC version will involve the noble bushman converting the white racist brexiteer BBQ’ers with his superior flipping technique they all march on downing street revoke article 50 and open the door to african bushmeat aficionados before our hero marries into the royal family in a gay ceremony and Britain is liberated from our hideous whiteness thanks to one well placed chavvy paddling pool.
17
Four Royal Weddings & An Ooga-Dooga.
9
” Rastus Potter and The Cracked Paving Stone”
13
” The Co’on Who Came In From The Cold”.
23
Close Encounters of the Burnt Kind
Out of Africa
12
Guess who’s coming to dinner?
6
I don’t buy meat any more for my bbq. I just set it up and wait for something to fall from the skies. Kenyan Kebab is one of my specialities.
8
That cunt Idris Elba set to take the lead role, I hear. Strong rumours are that Benecunt Cumbercunt, Emma Thompshite, Olivia Coldmunt and ‘er off EastEnders are also lined up. Charles Dunce has definitely been cast as the snarling, racist xenophobe UKIP supporter from next door.
Should be a hoot.
9
Call me a cuntmong all day long as i enjoy cooking outdoors. Delicious, freshly chargrilled lamb on skewers, steaks, prawns and glasses of red in the sun with friends, while the whingers eat their Findus crispy pancakes and swig flat Tizer with the curtains drawn.
15
They have a “barby” at their Family Fun Day in my local village. Funnily enough it always coincides with the day that I decide to burn all of the old silage-wrap in a field just upwind of them.
Fuck them.
22
I have no issue with barbecues….I just have an issue with the fucking noise they create and the certain type of fuckwits who have them.
Having to put up with their bombastic, hyperactive sprogs bellowing and screaming. Then the adults in attendance start joining them. The volume goes up and up the more and more pissed as farts they get.
The smell I don’t mind. I love the smell of a barby, but I inevitably sit there with my fucking M&S ‘Count on us Lasagne’ (which tastes like a bag of shite, but is low calorie so I eat it under duress) jealous as fuck and wishing the selfish bastards would at least have the decency to chuck me a burger (a sausage wouldn’t go amiss either) over the back fence, if they are going to disturb my fucking peace.
No such luck.
CUNTS.
12
Barbecues are indeed a cunt, although to be fair my immediate neighbours warn me in advance of their infrequent singe binges. Much more of a continuous and piss-simmering cunt is adjacent. Who, having holidayed in the Med once in a while and formed a false impression of the local lifestyle, effectively lives in his garden when the weather permits. Breakfast, lunch, drinkies and tea. No, that’s not it. It’s the constant chatter between him and Mrs, at the top of their Essex voices regarding (a) his small business (b) the latest potted plant bought for the garden and (c) the failings of the cunts Mrs. works with. A constant background nattering about nothing, which even earplugs do not quite exclude. It wouldn’t be quite so bad if they were in any way interesting, but they make my own back yard almost uninhabitable of a nice day.
Although target practice with a rather noisy air rifle just the other side of the fence goes some way to redressing the balance…
15
In Seffrica we used the barbecue (braai) all the time. In England it seems a couple of tyres are used to get it going and the food is burnt to fuck and raw at the same time. If you want a decent braai get a colonial to do it.
5
Yeah, but wouldn’t the colonial have to get a kaffir to do it?
3
No. That is the one thing you don’t let the kaffirs near. Afrikaners woudnt even let me near a braai as I am a pommie poes.
6
The cure is worse than the complaint.
4
….in Seffrica, tyres and a splash of petrol were often used to get the locals going…….
10
That was a Winnie braai.
4
most of you cunts don’t know how to barbecue any way, the clouds of billowing smoke are testament to that.
Firstly if you must use quick lighting charcoal use one tiny bag and then use straight charcoal.
now the key is fanning the stuff like a blast furnace get it hot enough and thick enough too last the cook.
if you have tiered racks, big stuff up top first to slow cook, thin stuff at the bottom fast cook.
Things that are likely to kill your Guests, like chicken and pork, do it in the oven if you have to, pork ribs can be par boiled to make them soft and safe.
if you want that smokey flavour get some hard wood chipps, soak them in water a couple of days before the event, and sprinkle them on the coals for flavour.
That is how you barbecue, not flamethrower-ed raw chicken, char-coaled burgers pink in the middle and no plumes of smoke like a Kuwaiti oil field after the Gulf war
9
What drives me nuts is the cunts who go down to the local park, set off a barbecue like a fucking field on fire, then walk away when they’re done, leaving the smoking rubble with all their litter shit strewn around it.
I’d like to get a slightly larger and higher fire set around a wooden stake going for these abominable cunts.
10
I came a cropper on a pebble beach, where the considerate cunts had cleaned up the area nicely but had not put a sign up to warn me of the volcanic heat left in the stones where the barbecue had been.
I did skip and dance slightly.
5
Yeah don’t you just love those brown/black oblongs of fucked grass, scattering of smouldering charcoal and flat tins. Bloody dogs do, crunching up those incinerated chicken wings kid chewed burgers and other shite the lazy cunts have left behind.
Of course no fucker takes any notice of the No barbecue in the park bylaw because they are magically special so rules do not apply to the fuckwits your solution RK has found much favour in these parts.
3
I’m with the Aussie cunters here, leave Barbie’s in Australia.
I don’t understand why anybody would want to stand around outside stinking like an ashtray and eating badly cooked meat. If I wanted that experience I would stand outside my local KFC on a Saturday night.
Cunts.
4
Sorry, but BBQs are for cunts. Why the fuck do you want to sit outside, eating half-burnt, half-raw burgers/chicken/prawns with one hand and using the other hand to unsuccessfully wave off the pissed-off wasps and annoying flies? All this while some fuck-witted twat decides that now is the time for him to be the “man of the house” and try to cook said shit food, badly, whilst smoke pours out.
No, go into the fucking kitchen, turn on the oven and cook the food in it and then enjoy in your home, with none of the arm waving, smoke or a case of the shits.
5
Barbies are old hat, it’s all about the Offset Smoker these days, preferably home made by some Aussie hipster cunt. Tip for these gatherings, arrive late so you don’t have to help set up the thing and leave early so you don’t have to help clean the fucker. Cunts.
3
I don’t mind the odd BBQ – not my own: can’t be arsed with all that faff; but sometimes the neighbours may do one; and by and large they do a good job.
I think they’re more aware that BBQs can piss people off, so they take all precautions; keep the noise levels down, don’t play loud music, and try not to stink the air out too much. So they’re a rare breed of responsible people just wanting to be a little different.
The only problem is the cunts they invite round: most of them are okay, but there’s only so many car parking spaces down our lane; and inevitably if 10 or 12 cars arrive they will choose to park absolutely anywhere – not least blocking my driveway and others too!
I also sometimes find the odd empty beer tin or coke bottle thrown into my garden; along with those shite white styrofoam plates, paper napkins & plastic cutlery!
On the other hand It is rather fun when a passing rain shower blows over and drowns the fuckers!
3
New South Wales here, Newcastle without Geordie cunts and poor people. Expat from Lancashire.
I couldn’t give a fuck about BBQs, it’s just a hot plate to me, on holiday, cook a curry on one, cook a breakfast, cook a stir fry…..
Fuck burgers and sausage and minute steak!
1