A Fucked Fridge

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Here’s the scene.
It’s about half eleven a few nights ago. I’m curled up in bed contentedly breathing in the scent of my wife’s soft, dark curls (and they say romance is dead). Suddenly there’s a strange grumbling noise followed by an alarming ‘thump’ from the general direction of the kitchen downstairs.
The wife tenses, and mutters uncertainly ‘What was that?’. ‘No idea’, says I sleepily. ‘Go and have a look’, she whispers, and ready to play the poor little woman card when it suits her, adds ‘it might be a burglar’.
‘Don’t be bloody daft’, I mumble, and get an elbow in the side for my trouble. Now I’m the first to admit to being a very lucky man. The wife’s pushing sixty, but still bears an uncanny resemblance to the actress Rachael Weisz, throw in a soft Edinburgh burr and sexy specs. But at times she can drive me to bloody distraction.
‘Alright’, says I. ‘I’ll go and risk my life. You just stay there warm and cosy’, and muttering and mumping, I go downstairs. Going into the kitchen, I find the fridge/freezer wheezing and groaning like a set of asthmatic bagpipes. Bastard.
Going back up, I inform m’lady that it looks as though the fridge is buggered. ‘What are you going to do?’ she enquires helplessly. ‘What do you mean, what am I going to do?’ I snap. ‘What do you expect me to do? Dial 99 fucking 9 and get them to send the paramedics with a bastard defibrillator? It’s nearly midnight, you daft sod’. ‘Huh’, she harrumphs, ‘the older you get the worse your language becomes’, and rolls over in frosty silence. Luckily I well know how to get round her by now, and a couple of quick tickles soon have her giggling like an overgrown schoolgirl. Normal service is resumed (at least until morning).

Fast forward to about half seven.
I find myself shaken awake to be told ‘there’s a puddle on the kitchen floor’. ‘Shit’ says I groggily, ‘is there any tea in?’. Cursing, I stagger into the kitchen to find that our now incontinent appliance is leaking like, well, the proverbial fucked fridge, and a pool of something vaguely unpleasant looking has indeed gathered. ‘I would’ve cleaned it up’, advises the wife, ‘but it looked funny and I thought you should see it. Anyway, you can do it now you’re up’. For a brief moment I think about trying to play the ‘I’m a fragile old age pensioner’ card, but fuck, it cuts no ice and I know when I’m beat.
Anyway, I barely get time to have a shower and grab a bite before I’m marched off to John Lewis’s to look at new fridges. Here I’m forced to endure an eye glazing indoctrination on the merits of various appliances from a very camp young man who, it turns out, is from Iran of all places. About an hour and a half later, I stagger out craving caffeine, and with a wallet lighter to the tune of 460 notes, not to mention the cost of a freezer full of now useless food. To add insult to injury, there are four days of inconvenience to put up with until the new bastard gets delivered. What a cunt.

Friday morning.
Well it’s finally here and installed, and is purring away like a kitten. There’s just one little sting in the tail. I ricked my back getting the other fucker out the kitchen door so that the council can cart it off to the knacker’s yard. Oh well, at least the missus is mollified and happy, and I’m no longer getting earache from her going on about it. I reckon if I play my cards right, there’ll even be a bit of soldier’s comfort going later . There’ll be a pain barrier, but I’ll struggle manfully to overcome it. I reckon that I’m due a bit of sympathy and consolation for my efforts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

59 thoughts on “A Fucked Fridge”

  1. Yep mine croaked last month,
    I moved house, paid for flooring and carpets in new house, went shopping stuffed the fridge freezer and over night it fucking died.
    It did this for 2 reasons.
    1, it had just been put in charge of the weekly shop
    2 it knew that I was skint and was being a final cunt.

    I then spent the next week commuting round the county collecting bits from other peoples freezers ( pies in Surrey chips in Hampshire), I had to make many social calls, “Oh hello! how are you, Good to see you, blah blah blah, Muy I have my frozen carrots please?” Meanwhile meal times disappear into the night waiting for the hunter gatherer to return with defrosted veg

    • Cheers CMC. Can understand why he’d want out of that fucking rat hole. Could speak better English than half of Brum, I’ll give him that.

  3. Sad to read your sorry tale of woe Ron.

    When our FF snuffed it in 2016 (due to Brexit vote) I barely had to raise a finger. The shop we bought the new one from (Hughes) delivered and took the old one away for a nominal fee of £12.49.

    Lady Creampuff didn’t even have to make the workers a mug of Darjeeling!

    No doubt the new one will croak as soon as this smug comment is posted.

    • Thanks RTC.
      John Lewis’s would have taken ours away but we got some complicated story. Our new fridge came direct from the supplier so we got it in four days. If JL had carted it on their van, the new fridge would have had to go to them first, so all that would’ve taken twelve days for it to get to us. Don’t ask me why. Fucking jobsworths.

  4. Ours went TU a few months ago, but bought a good replacement for Curry’s and they took away the old one for a small fee too.

    Surprised you went to JL- expensive and as far as I know don’t take your knackered kit away, leaving you lumbered with it – as you found out the hard way!

    Women eh! They all want empowerment and independence until there’s a “what was that?” and “You go see what it is, it might be a burglar!”

    You should have kicked out of bed and told her “Wimminz don’t need Men anymore!”

    • The wife likes JL. She buys a lot of stuff there, she’s got a fucking card or something. I just nod and say yes. Things go easier in the long run, I’ve found.

  5. It’s not all bad news.
    A faulty fridge (allegedly), was responsible for reducing the amount of foreign benefit scroungers in Grenfell tower.

  6. Fridge Freezers are so last century, do you know how much pollution they pump out?
    Even the A+ rated ones.
    I’m more in tune with the environment and I now salt all of my meat and fish…If only you polluters could be more environmentally friendly. We can still learn a thing or two from the old ancestors you know, although the salted food has raised my blood pressure and is a nightmare preparing I can hold my head up high in knowing you all wish you were as carbon neutral as me…I nip to shops in a big BMW mind but thats not the point. Go fuck yourselves.

    • I agree with Extinction Revolution – we should give up all this gadgetry and what not, and return to the Stone Age!

      No more white goods; no more cars, lorries, trains, planes … fuck all in terms of environmentally damaging transport – even electric cars fuck up planet Earth in some respect!

      Oh, and we can also say goodbye to electricity and gas and water, as they take from the environment either directly or indirectly. Which means we will just have to walk from Cave 1 to Cave 2; go hunt for food, go in search of fresh water; and shout rather loudly when we want to communicate (as there will be no internet, phones or tablets either)

      So what do you have to say about that scenario, you Greeny-Lefty cunts?

      • Excellent ideas there Technocunt…imagine all the hairy armpit, dont use toothpaste, ladies who will want you to give them one, after hearing abaaaaaht your most green/planet saving proposals…they’ll be all over you like Rock star groupies. Ignore there slightly wiffy cunts as you plough your way through the hoardes of ladies…its because they use man made…sorry women made soap which consists of leaves and mud.
        Damn I’m jealous…give them some extra pounding for me.

      • No need to stop doin de teeth bruv. De environmentallly friendly way now is to use da charcoal! Dis is de in thing.
        Ah scoops up some from ma bbq and before ah know it, ma pearly whites are gleamin’!
        😆

      • A most excellent environmental idea BSC, All these BBQ’s on the go and all that free charcoal toothpaste.. its a win win.

    • I only turn my fridge on in the hottest months. The rest of the year I put stuff in the meat-safe in the back-kitchen. The meat-safe in a cabinet with a thick marble bottom and wire-mesh sides. It actually works really well.

      • I can picture it now DF,
        Pheasants hanging, and various other game maturing and getting more gamey. Good on you old chap.
        I wish I had a country house…maybe in the future, I can picture myself going shooting and having a nice country lady to pound as she plucks the pheasants.

      • My Father used to hang pheasants until the neck,where they were tied,rotted through and the body fell to the floor….they were fucking putrid in every sense of the word. I just give them 3-4 days,cut the breasts off to eat,and chuck the rest in the Hounds’ boiling-pan.

      • This is an oxymoron Mr F!
        My environment handbook says no meat is safe!
        😀

      • I doubt any food is safe when you’re in the neighbourhood Bsc… 😉

        Btw, it’s just been announced that Boris’s slag is moving in to No.10.

        It’s the permissive society gone mad I tell you!

      • Fiddler Snr’s hangman technique would be much appreciated around Wetminster, and upside down from lamp-posts, until ankles rot through…

      • Afternoon RTC.
        Yes, but what about that nasty man at number 11 who’ll be telling tales every time he hears a slamming door or the sound of bedsprings?
        However, I have heard that because of all the beds he’s got through, Boris now uses a water bed.

      • Evening BSC.

        Carrie Symonds will be a ray of sunshine after that dreary Philip May fuck.

        Mind you, Boris would be well advised to keep a roll of Duck Tape® handy…

      • For a second Dick I read that as ‘my father used to hang peasants by the neck..’

    • Ok if I send the Mrs round? She’s a real glutton for salted meat, can’t get enough of it.

  7. Expect more fucked up fridges when there is a no deal Brexit. All the fridges in the U.K. will undoubtedly fail if there is no deal …..,at least that’s what Remaniacs are telling us.

    I blame supermarkets. Apparently their open fridges waste 1 per cent of the nations electricity and HM Nanny has told them to shut the doors on them. Why don’t their fridges ever fail?

  8. Our fridge went fuckaroo 12 months ago. Now I’m a bit of a bargain hunter at times and I hate paying full whack for appliances in particular. Luckily being a tradesman ( no not that sort) I can fix most things.
    On to Facebook market place I go . One Samsung American fridge freezer, 18 months old, owner moving house and need gone ASAP £200.
    Mine thank you .
    While I’m looking I see a Miele dishwasher for £20 as it leaks underneath. I’ll have that too.
    Problem.
    No space for dishwasher.
    Fuck the old freezer off and put dishwasher there . A couple of o rings and it’s fixed, plumbed in and good to go. Happy days.
    Chuck old freezer stuff in to new fridge/ freezer. Along comes Christmas and we need more freezer space.
    Buy £30 freezer on market place. Plug it in the garage. New year comes and I sell the freezer for £40.
    How’s about that then guys and gals.

    • I had similar with a free-standing freezer. Noticed ice inside at the back and discovered the cooling pipes were frosted up, so much for frost-free. Looked on ebay and found a chest freezer which would hold the contents while I worked on it. £20 and a 20 mile round trip saw the freezer in the dining room, left it to settle and chill overnight, contents transferred, freezer defrosted and cleaned, left to chill overnight, contents transferred back and chest freezer back on ebay where it sold for £35. Result.

    • Don’t talk to me about American fridge freezers….
      Last year, the upright freezer died. The fridge had seen better days too, so decided to pre-empt failure & replace both..
      American fridge freezers ; just the ticket. Most far too expensive, but I found a great looking one from Co-op electrical (a dying breed) – £440 ; in budget, so I order….
      Warning flashes up “This is a large appliance, please measure the doorway of the room to be fitted in & ensure item will fit through before ordering” – makes sense, so I measure both doorways it will have to go through & sure enough the listed dimensions of fridge are smaller, so all’s good…

      Come delivery day, fridge breezes through garage door (which I didn’t measure, as its huge) – gets to kitchen door “it won’t fit through mate” ‘hmm, it should, I made sure to measure the doorway’ – I measure box, while Laurel & Hardy look on ; ‘er, is this the right Fridge?’ – “it matches description, and is the only one AFF they have on van today” Hardy tells me.
      ‘Alright lads, can we take it out the box, it should fit then ?’
      “We can’t remove the packaging till it’s in position – in case it get’s damaged” Laurel chips in. ‘Well it’s not gonna be in position it doesn’t go through the doorway – so what now?’
      L& H decide to phone head office…
      Blah, blah ” She want’s to speak to you chief” – ‘hello..yes….well I did measure the doorway BEFORE I ordered it. I’ve got the printout from your website.. Fridge dimensions XX YY ZZ’
      “Oh well, those are the dimensions WITHOUT the delivery packaging”
      ‘listen here, they are only sizes YOU list, I did my part. Can’t they just remove the box & move the FF through the kitchen & into the utility?’
      “Our delivery is sub-contracted. I can authorize them to remove the packaging, but they will have to leave the FF in your garage..you can then move it yourself”
      ‘Are you having a laugh ? it’s 120kg & the size of a double wardrobe – I’m not Popeye’
      “The only other thing I can do, is cancel the order & refund your payment. We won’t charge you for a missed delivery..”
      ‘Jesus Fucking Christ ! isn’t that big of you ! Take it back & refund my money… Thank you’

      Later, after much swearing & my blood pressure returning to normal, I ordered 2 x upright FFs from AO ; had 1 left handed, the other right & stood them together ! £200 each, 50% back up if one fails & saved £40.
      I believe Co-Op electrical are no longer trading….. I wonder why 🙄

  9. Makes me chuckle that the fridge is the most trusted household appliance in the whole home.

    People go abroad on holiday for two weeks. The night before departure every house hold appliance is switched off, plug removed from the socket.

    Accept the fridge. We trust that thing for two weeks on its own don’t we? 😂

  10. David Lammy no doubt gets triggered by ‘White Goods’.

    “I knew a fridge in Grenfell….”

    • I thought ‘White goods’ sounded a bit racist LL. It seems to imply that white is good.
      Lammy would say the correct way is to call the goods…’Goods of colour’.
      Expect a ‘Goods of colour’ Twatter hashtag’movement anytime soon and Bosch, Samsung releasing black and rainbow LGBTQ+ themed fridges.

    • He should shop in JLs for his next one. Half the ones on display when we bought our new one were black, although why anyone would actually want a black fridge escapes me.

  11. The wife bought one of those fridge magnets yesterday. Woke up this morning, came downstairs….couldn’t get in the kitchen for fridges….

  12. Apologies Ron, but I fucking hate John Lewis stores. But do like the extended warranty.
    It’s the clientele that puts me off, especially in Manchester. Smug trendy approaching elderly. Right fucking pleased with themselves. I always aim to get there at 08:55. Space for 800 cars, yet someone always parks so I can just crawl out of mine. With a whithering glance across.
    Fridges etc? AO lets go

    • The loos are good in Cardiff. And once, when I was investigating the lighting department, Charlotte Cathedral was in there for about 15m.

      A blinding flash….and she was gone, and I was frogmarched out by security.

  13. This sort of thing happens to most of us at some stage but some handle it better than others. I have a dread of machines or appliances that stop working. I’ve looked it up but I can’t find an appropriate name for it, it isn’t technophobia, ecophobia or oikophobia. When I push a button or flick a switch and nothing happens, this awful feeling comes over me, because I’m no handyman, it takes me all my time to change a lightbulb. It isn’t so much the expense, it’s knowing I’ll have to endure the inconvenience of having to do without something, maybe for days, of having to go to the trouble of finding a competent workman who can fix it, of getting these people to actually turn up to do the job, of having these strangers coming into my home and causing havoc. Anyone know the correct term for this?

  14. Forget bloody fridges Mr K. Tell us more about your wooing techniques. As soon as Mrs P feels my fingers prowling across her upper or nether regions she goes into deep freeze mode and that´s it. “Oh well I´ll try again next year,” I murmur as I turn round and hope for some erotically inflamed dreams at least.

    • Not a lot to tell in truth Mr P!. I’ve never understood why a woman who looks like the wife ended up with an ugly older cunt like me, so I can only put it down to some weird ‘attraction of opposites’ thing. She’s always responded to a line of jokey flattery, says I make her laugh. Throw in my obvious raving lust for her and a glass or two of wine…
      I’m a bloke who just got very very lucky!

  15. My fridge freezer has built up quite a bit of ice in the freezer bit. It’s a SERVIS fridge freezer. I’ve had it for about 12 and a bit years. I haven’t defrosted ever. Should I defrost it?

  16. Canny believe we’ve stooped to Cunting inanimate objects now !!!!!!
    Anyone note how wee krankie has gone quiet since Scotland is the junkie capital
    Of Europe !!!!!

    • That’s because all the other once great countries of Europe are controlled by ‘the peaceful ones’ which condemns junkies to death by be-heading!

      Scotland’s invasion by the forces who eat at ‘Alan’s Snack Bar’ has yet to start!

    • Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May, Osborne, Flabbott, Jeremy Hunt, Jean-Claude Drunker, Owen Jones…
      Inanimate objects get cunted on here every of the week.

  17. I feel your pain, Sir knee.

    One of the things we loved about this house when we were house-hunting was the fantastic, ‘American-style’ fridge freezer the owners had. We never for one one minute thought we would be lucky enough that they would leave it when they moved out, but leave it they did.

    We thought to ourselves that they were so generous to do that…..

    …..however, the motherfucking bastard has been leaking from the bottom of the door edge since the day we moved in, so now we know why the benevolent cunts were happy to leave it.

  18. Hi Nurse, how are you?
    Sounds like the owners fooled you into thinking they’d done you a favour, only for you to find they’d pulled a fast one and left you to get rid of it.
    You say that it’s leaking from the bottom of the door. Do you mean that the seal has gone? Might be fairly easy and inexpensive to repair if you’re really keen on it.

    • Could also just be a blocked drain hole in the back of the fridge when it de-ices. It will be on the inside if it has one. It just drains the water into a plastic tray behind the fridge to evaporate from the compressor heat.

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