New Gins

Posted on by

I am defiantly going to cunt the “New Gins”

Gin has come back in fashion again; many many small “distilleries” have come to light and initially I welcomed the small business idea taking on the “Big Brands”.
That was until I visited a small independent one of many similar business models.
To give you a little understanding as a family, the Benny family has a good background in back room hooch, my mother (bless her soul) would ferment potatoes as base and using an adapted pressure cooker distill the wonderful stuff known as “Raziki” in Benghazi after the revolution.
I myself have travelled in eastern Europe where a back yard still is the norm. On my return to the UK, horrified by the massive mark up on a daily essential, I purchased a re-flux still and used to knock up 80% proof at £1 a litre (it’s slightly more complex than that, but this is a cunting and not school).
Any way visiting the “Distillery” I was rather shocked to find that they import their base spirit….exactly they do not ferment, have never made a wash, never filtered, cut or any of the normal things I would associate with distilling a decent drink!
Instead the talk was on “Botanicals”, putting flowers and other shit in someone else’s product, running it through a still, shoving it in a pretty bottle from Italy and saying “that will be £37 for 70cl please” .
Total wank I say, if you can make a cup of tea then you can distill like this, what total harridan bull shitters they are!
So “Novo Gin” is a cunt!

Nominated by Lord Benny

32 thoughts on “New Gins”

  1. 1l of 95% (v/v) ethanol on ebay comes in at £16 or so. You can infuse your quinoa, avocado and goji berries in this, then cut it to a drinkable ABV and put it in a pretty bottle without the added carbon emissions from redistilling it, you ecofriendly millenial cunt (no, not you, your Lordship).

    Gin is gin, ffs. It tastes of juniper, hence the name, it goes with tonic, sometimes makes you depressed, but reliably makes you pissed. It comes in a green bottle belonging to Gordon. Accept no substitutes.

    • “Quinoa, avocado and goji berries”. Sounds like cunt food in liquid form 😀

      • Mrs Stroker and our teenage son both love Korean kimchi Komodo.

        The stuff fucking stinks. Far smellier than the worst fart you can ever imagine.

      • I hadn’t intended to try it, as I’m not into silage. Thanks for confirming my prejudice!

      • Hey don’t knock kimchi cunters, i usually chuck a few spicy haberno peppers in it , cook some ramen noodles, cook some chicken brest dice it up throw all together its tasty as fuck and will help clear up a flu or a cold It will at least clear your sinuses
        Also look forward to the big shitlog that comes out of you the next day you will feel nice an fresh like christmas morning cheers

  2. Mrs Stroker and I have several bottles of Tanqueray gin, a couple flavoured with Seville orange.

    When I first used the visit Japan would take a bottle or so of gin with me. Quickly realised that gin is widely available in Japan and at about half the price of in the UK. Tonic water however is ridiculously expensive there (more than the gin itself) so ended up taking only tonic water with me.

  3. I gave up any thought of home-brewing after trying one of those “Brew your own lager” kits that were so popular for a while. There was a fair old deposit of fine silt in each of the bottles,but I didn’t bother to filter it…just supped as much as I could manage,which,considering just how foul it tasted,was a considerable amount.
    The results were devastating. The fucking stuff went through me like some industrial drain-cleaner….I fucking leaked. The muck bubbled it’s way past my rimgpiece and emerged in what, I suspect,was it’s original state. Never mind worrying about farting, I was more worried about internal scouring. I was checking for blood and was only relieved that no solids (ie my fucking liver) emerged. I seriously considered going to the shop and buying a pack of tampons to ram up there, but the thought of the old bag in the shop adding to my aloready rather dubious reoutation by telling all and sundry that I’d left a skitter trail through her shop while buying women’s sanitary products,put an end to that idea.

    Fuck home-brewing, I’ll leave it to the experts.

    • Indeed. Home-brewed lager was my worst-ever experience in that direction. I believe it’s something to do with the fact that the genuine stuff (IIRC) is bottom-fermented, but home-brew lager top-ferments.
      Stout was more congenial, but unless you want the risk of gallons of semi-fermented liquids exploding all over your Axmisters and shag-piles, it’s just a fuck of a lot easier to go out and buy, providing your decent local brewery has been trashed by pikey scumbags.

      I suspect a lot of so-called “craft” ale is bottom-fermented – it’s just the appearance of the types that serve it.
      And a lot of hipster twats know fuck all about gin. As was so cogently pointed out above, the key-word is juniper. Not roses, cucumbers, pink dye, or tinsel flakes. Enough to drive a real man to slivovitz.

  4. Fuck me Mr Fiddler that story reminds me of a night many years ago. I drank three or four pints of a mate’s home brew before we went up the pub to celebrate his birthday. I don’t remember a thing but, among other misdemeanours, I asked some birds if they wanted to suck my cock and, on the way home I was offering to fight cars because their headlights were hurting my eyes.
    I woke up in a cold bath full of dark brown water which smelt strongly of shit. I was fully clothed but at least I had thought to take my shoes off.
    It took me four or five days to recover from that and i didn’t have another drink for about six months. Just the smell of it made me feel like puking. 🤮
    Never again.

    • Probably a batch of the same fucking gutrot that I concocted, Freddie…still,at least you remembered to remove your shoes before the worst happened. I thought that my fucking wellies had sprung a leak and were letting in skitter from the cowshed until I had to face the fact that it was actually me who had sprung the leak.

      🙂 .

      • You don’t leave the gunk in the beer, Fiddler. You decant it, like your 2006 Noval, or rather your servants do after careful instruction.

        I did quite a lot of homebrewing some years ago, and never had intestinal problems from my efforts. Cranial, yes. Even the gallon of plum wine* which had gone lactic, split between three of us at a session on the beach, did no worse than lay the thirstiest cunt out – on the beach – for the night. The beer kits were crap though. Bulk malt extract, fresh hops and an old wash boiler worked fine, and I put it up in old screwtops.
        Brewing ought to be taught in schools.

        Pretentious note: I used wood germander instead of hops once – just as bitter, slightly medicinal, but very drinkable.

        *ABV 15% as I recall. Certainly seemed like it.

  5. I went to an event at the weekend and there was a ‘locally distilled Gin’ stall.

    The 3 fucking millennials running it were so fucking off the shelf I was going to cunt them separately but now I don’t have too.

    Look it up ‘Cuckoo Gin’ and the 3 running it we’re straight off that packet from the ‘Happy Hog Company’ that I cunted last year.

    Just fuck off

    • Cuckoo gin £38 a bottle.

      Can fuck right off with that.

      Mrs Stroker wants to try the Japanese gin Roku. Means the number 6 in Japanese and is supposed to represent the number of botanics used to produce the flavour, including cherry blossoms and leaves, yuzu, sansho pepper, and a variety of teas.

      Unfortunately at £25+ a bottle unlikely we will be trying it anytime soon.

      • That was pretty much my reaction Willie when I saw the price.

        Fucking chancers.

  6. Tanqueray is the only gin to drink (#10 when I can afford it), otherwise it’s Vickers for breakfast Bloody Marys in which I replace the celery with crispy bacon. I fell for a pretty blue bottle of Bols once, it tasted like Emu Export flavoured metho. Bastard muck.

    • Dutch and Belgian Jenever is very good – tastes like decent grain whisky, and the crock jugs are worth hanging onto. Would make excellent APDs, if appropriately filled.

  7. Fuck the different types of gin used to go to pub ask for a gin and tonic and served in about 2 mins,now the cunts ask what type you want,what flavour etc then take 20 minutes putting all types of shite in your drink,bits of peel strawberries lemon peel ice oh and do you want flavoured fever tree tonic that costs more than the gin,fuck off I just just want a Gordon’s with tonic you poncy twats

    And if you value your time don’t ask for a bag of crisps you be there all fuckin night as they reel of 200 different varieties of crisps
    No wonder most pubs are empty it takes you that fucking long to get a drink you give up the will to live
    Cunts one and all

  8. I asked for some crisps in a pub a couple of months ago and they only had Walkers. I said “oh no, I don’t touch Walkers.”
    Obviously I was hoping she would ask why, so I could launch into a well crafted tirade against that tax dodging , refugee loving, BBC cocksucker.
    Sadly, she just offered me some peanuts.
    Spoilsport bitch. Didn’t even have a decent pair of tits.

    • You don’t seem to get the old skool brassy and busty barmaids anymore. Probably banned.

  9. I was shocked when I first found out that Vladivar vodka was industrial alcohol made in Warrington.

  10. off the top of my head it was about 12kg sugar to one packet of turbo yeast that would give me 14% vol in 24 hours or 16 that would give me 20% in 48 hours.
    clear the 25 litre of wash with finings and decant said wash to the 25l still.
    This is where it gets interesting.
    I replumbed the waterfall take off on the pond pump into my cooling tower and it returned to the pond (which was now a massive heat exchanger), Now this played havoc with my poor little goldfish who had to deal with these sudden rises in water temperature when I did the night run, I think the fuzz may have wondered what was going on when they noticed that someone seemed to have a heated pond in there back garden.
    any way from my 25 litres of wash I would probably get 4 liters of 80% this I would have to cut and run through a carbon filter then well, however you want it to go.

  11. I like a gin and tonic when I go out, its easier to drink than beer….. three pints of beer and my six pack (haha) turns into a fucking barrel.

    Usually go for bombay saphire but I did have one sometime ago in a spoons, something made (allegedly) from 29 botanicals, it was nice but sadly I could only taste 28.

  12. Gin is fashionable nowadays, perhaps due to peaky blinders, so i wouldnt order it. What i have tried tastes like cleaning products. Utter crap.
    Leave it orange harridans on a day out to Aintree, bought for them by their ‘fellas’ wearing footballer haircuts and shiny waistcoats.

  13. Boodles gin is what i got on hand its really good an its got a 45% to the usual 40% I like Plymouth gin too but its not available at my local liquor store and i can’t be arsed to order it online
    Usually make dubonnet gin cocktail or a gin and tonic to chase with my beer

    • Hayman’s Royal Dock Navy Strength v v good, and as far as I can tell untainted by hipsters.

      Me mam used to put red Dubonnet in beef stew – much better than wine !

      • I love dubonnet sometimes I pop open the bottle just to get a whiff,plain jane on the rocks is nice too but paired with a lemon slice and gin in a glass is liquid heaven queens favourite drink too
        Never tried it in my beef stew before but i think i’ll try it next time sometimes i use whatever red plonk i have on hand thanks for the suggestion hubbard i tend to go for the gins above regular strength too never tried haymans navy yet tho

Comments are closed.