Coffee Fueled Commuters

High time I gave an obscure cunting to Coffee-Fuelled Commuters.

You know the type. The Essex-based estate agent and/or middle management project co-ordinator, marauding around Paddington train station for the 6:45 Bristol Parkway via Reading; kitted out in an ill-fitting Next clearance-sale suit creased to the fucking hilt, skinny tie which if one squinted could look appealingly like a noose, hair styled into some hedgehog shit with last night’s unwashed grease, shuffling in disproportionately shiny loafers clutching manbag, laptop case… and clinging on for dear life to a shitty, sugary syrup abomination otherwise known to these fuckers as ‘coffee’.

Bleary-eyed, these cunts cannot even stomach the 10-minute journey from A to Bedford without sipping on a Costa concoction of daylight robbery vanilla bullshit mochachino. I’m not sure about anyone else but the pungent fucking aroma of cunt-commuter fuel with two extra shots drives me to fucking distraction.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a decent cup of ground coffee but tend to drink it quite sparingly, and never get what passes for ’coffee’ in these manufactured outlets. A nice coffee from a local cafe is harder and harder to find because the poor fucking owners are always driven out by the megalomanic shit merchants.

But more annoying than the beverage itself are the cunts who slavishly prop themselves up on it. Beryl from accounts, that fat overbearing matriarch, talking loudly on her iPhone in the quiet coach about team targets and diversification of resources, with her withered and fag-parched lips supping so loudly on her Starbucks that I have to flex every sinew with agonisingly furious restraint, in order to stop myself repeatedly head-butting the triple-glazed window ‘til the merciful sleep of unconsciousness saves me from myself.

From bean to cup, they’re fucking cunts.

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

35 thoughts on “Coffee Fueled Commuters

  1. Without doubt, anyone that needs coffee “on the go” is a fucking useless cunt who makes a living “looking busy”.
    And as for drinking anything, let alone coffee, out of a paper cup….
    …fucking ignorant philistine cunts.

    Excellent cunting Empire, may each one of these useless cunts find their eyes impaled on their almost expensive pens.

    • Pop into costa ask for a cup of tea fuckin great to see the leftie inane useless cunts stare , I tea you nonce and English

  2. Materialistic cunts, wouldn’t be seen dead without a brand name in their face!

    They wave their Starbucks cups in the same way they hold their Apple Ipad/Iphones. They must be “seen” to be trendy, hip and have a decent disposable income; otherwise their lives are fucking empty; they have no other way of showing off their hipness, which is crucial for social media credibility.

    They can’t be seen to be drinking just ordinary coffee – social death! No. They have to drinking the branded stuff that tastes exactly the same but 4 times more expensive. And we’re suppose to think they are success stories!

    Fuck them and their bogus fucking life styles (I write this after drinking 6 cans of San Miguel- therefore I could be talking shit!)

    • Can you still get Tennant’s lager with the nudy bird on the can ?
      Thought not. Pity.

  3. Fucking hilarious cunting Empire.

    “Beryl from accounts, that fat overbearing matriarch, talking loudly on her iPhone in the quiet coach about team targets and diversification of resources, with her withered and fag-parched lips supping so loudly on her Starbucks that I have to flex every sinew with agonisingly furious restraint, in order to stop myself repeatedly head-butting the triple-glazed window ‘til the merciful sleep of unconsciousness saves me from myself”

    Brilliant!

    • Yeh, Empire. You’ve definitely got a novel in you there. Just throw in a section about a babe fingerin’ herself in first class to add a little sexual excitement and it could be a best seller.

  4. I admit to drinking coffee on the train as my journey is an hour long on Cunty Thameslink but surely an Americano is neither here nor there?

    When I used to commute, first class, to Waterloo on South West trains, this cunt used to drink a can of Red Bull every week day. It stank to high heaven. He would always leave his empty can on the table instead of taking it to the bin. Double cunt.

    • ps I need coffee in the morning as i’m old and usually very mildly hungover. I don’t use Bleater or Cuntbook either. This brilliant website is the extent of my social ouija experience.

    • I used to commute to London from Leicester on the 6:15am express. A well-dressed guy who apparently got on at Sheffield would choose this time to crack his 2nd 4-pack of beer of the day. Every weekday. Had no idea what he did and I often wondered if he ever made it to lunchtime. Clearly somebody for whom a coffee was anathema.

  5. A good Cunting Empire.
    Down here in Hove the cunts are tripping over each other walking to work with half a bucket of el cunticano barista clutched in their hands.
    It’s not just the Commuters that have fallen for this pretentious bullshit , it’s also the flip flop wearing snowflake beardies at it. I hate the sickly coffee they serve up at extortionate prices at Costa a packet , it just makes me fart all day. You can’t get a normal decent brew either in there.

    • Evening Fenton – bet it’s not as nice as British Rail coffee. 😂

      • Morning RTC.
        Nothing more disgusting than Camp Coffee. No it’s not what they serve in Gay bars but something my old mum would drink. It came in liquid form in a bottle with an Indian chap on the front 👎

        • I remember it well Fenton! They served it in the school canteen, mixed with condensed milk… I rather enjoyed it, though we didn’t know any different in those days (circa 1967).

          Guten morgen to you.

  6. Never understood why you need coffee, water, burgers or any other shit while you are walking. My walking nowadays is in the countryside but even here I see cunts who cant manage an hours walk without slurping overpriced fucking water as they walk. And judging by the litter I see they throw their shit away in the woods.
    Faced with a trainload of the cunts there would eventually be blood.
    The cunts.

    • Some of the cunts at my work have formed a Coffee Club..they clubbed together to buy this coffee machine thing then each put a couple of quid in a kitty per week to buy the pods to go in it. It will not surprise you to learn that they are the biggest Cunts in the office and,true to form, they are falling out about whose turn it is to buy the pods,clean the thing or rowing about whether you can put Soya milk in it (filthy fucking muck). The other cunts are those that stand on a full bus clutching their cup of Wankachino so whenever the bus stalls,the evil filth goes everywhere.

      • Stay away from Soya milk Mary. High estrogen levels. Will give you massive tits .

  7. I’ve been to a chain coffee shop once, about 10 years ago and that was a mystery shopping assignment. All I remember is that I paid more for two standard coffees than I ever do for a jar for home. I now live round the corner from a Starbucks, it’s mostly full of beardy cunts. It’s sometimes also heaving with seriously sexy women but they are, clearly, also cunts. Nice to look at though.

    • Ratsbollocks really is shite. When, on the rare occasions I visited Londonistan, I would go there for a piss on my way to my favourite shop (now closed). To be polite, I’d have the smallest amount of coffee on offer (espresso) and a piece of lemon cake. The cake was good, but an elf azard when served on a white-hot plate.
      Wtf, ffs ?? Cuuuuunts.
      Increasingly, I travel with a home-made picnic. Airports are a particular nightmare; I wouldn’t mind betting the local aviation spirit is cheaper than the overpriced arse-gravy served as coffee.

  8. Three quid a day and up to a grand per year just to look like a trendy guy/girl on the go then moan that you’re priced out of mortgages.
    Cunts.

  9. The fuckers that get me are the twats who “cant do a thing without a coffee” just like cunts who need their wine, yes you can you toss pots. They now wander the aisles of the local Tesco slurping and gulping pushing trolleys with one hand and they are nearly all women, soppy twats to a man.

  10. I used to be one of these Cunts whilst commuting to Manchester.
    I still use my “cheap” Next 3 piece suits, tailoured shirts, shiny pointy shoes and skinny ties, but fuck it, that’s how I like to dress, have dressed for the past 10 years and will do, until I’m too fat to buy skinny shit.
    It’s not the coffee that I enjoy, but the sugar and greggs or McDs are much cheaper.
    If I could get a real brew (Yorkshire Tea with a little real milk) then I’d take one of them over a coffee anyday.

  11. Fuck Empire, I retired from a job I hated 15 years ago. It was so bad I’m semi-traumatised. Your cunting has set me back years ☺

  12. Off topic,but…
    Jewish cormunidee leaders slagging off Tommy. Why? Some of my tribe support him and go to his rallies with Israeli flags.

    Fuck off! Tommy is a proud Zionist. These,so called cormunidee leaders would rather cosy up to the religion of peace.
    Tommy,Tommy,Tommy!

  13. I’ve nothing against any kind of coffee TECB, they can drink what they want, but you’ve mentioned one of my pet hates, people who slurp drinks. Why do they have to make such disgusting noises in order to pour liquid down their throats? And it’s usually the same ones who making unpleasant noises while eating, because for some reason they find it impossible to chew food and keep their mouths closed at the same time. Dirty fucking bastards.

  14. Guilty. Although I’m aware it’s disgusting and keep my mouth closed in company.

  15. Cunts who slurp on coffee are just cunts whom have never done drugs but want the world to think they do. Cunts,

  16. Very funny post and agree 100%

    If you cannot function without a coffee you are no more than a socially acceptable junkie, (and by this websites standard not even socially acceptable, you are a cunt).

    My boss comes into the office, “don’t talk to me until I have had a coffee”. Nob.

    I should hide all the coffee then I won’t have to speak to the cunt.

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