The Modern Car

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The modern car. When I say modern I am taking a slight liberty, it has a number of gizmos on it and a computer regulated engine so what could go wrong?

Well after a diagnosis of failing health I moved over to an automatic car, it had to be done in a speedy fashion so I grabbed the first one to cross my path an MOT failure that was easily fixable with a tin of expanding foam, some body filler and a new exhaust .

Well 3 years into its new life the car has developed a number of rather annoying habits, one being the gearbox which now seems to have an inbuilt danger sensor and reduces power on entering roundabouts or when asked to overtake or simply pulling onto a main road.

Its latest trick is the central locking that has developed epilepsy, the fucking thing wouldn’t let me out last night, I got home and tried to get out and the system went into a click click fit for a good 3 minuets leaving me stuck in the car.

This morning the fucking thing did the same trick trying to keep me out, the neighbours were woken by the central locking system machine gunning away, fortunately the alarm did not come in to play, which is also up the shitter and goes off should I attempt something so bizarre as gain access by the drivers door. (I think the lock may be jammed with accumulated earwax from the previous owners)

All in all the car is a total cunt and I yearn for the days when cars were cars and the only thing that went wrong with them were brakes, clutch or engine.

Nominated by lord benny

76 thoughts on “The Modern Car”

  1. Keyless cars – what a fucking joke they are!

    Manufacturers spend millions or billions on this technology, only for it to be blown away by a cheap £30 device you can easily buy on ebay.

    And what do the manufacturers recommend you do instead? Put your keys in a fucking metal box!

    And yes there are far too many gadgets in a car these days, especially on the dashboard, which looks more and more like the Star Trek Enterprise with all the flashing lights and HUD shit. And yet all this is fine according to safety experts and the police while driving; and yet you look at your fucking mobile phone and you’re arrested, charged and given points on your licence.

    And god help us with driverless cars! A simple hack into the EMS of a few thousand cars on the M25 and you have carnage!

    Assholes!

    • Slightly off topic, Cars to Aircraft, the new 737 Max 8, and nice new gismo to dip the nose if it thinks it may stall…….

      The problem with all technology is the same as everything else, a race to get it to market.

      • The captain made the decision.

        Computer overrode that decision.

        Captain fought to have his will respected.

        Computer ploughed him into the sea!

        The Boeing 737 max, built by remainers who know best.

  2. Skill, technique and ability are SO last century, dears. Welcome to the world of tech. Now stop thinking for yourselves and let me sell you the latest digital gubbins.

  3. Unfortunately at 60 years old I can still remember my father trying to start his car with the old fashioned starter handle. He also spent a lot of time with his head under the bonnet or on his back underneath it trying to fix whatever had gone wrong.

    Those were the days when people used to fix their own cars, and when the technology was relatively simple. Mind you, cars then seemed incredibly unreliable, especially in the cold, damp weather.

    Cars of today are on the whole much more reliable, however can be extremely expensive as there is just so much electrical stuff that can go wrong. You are forced to take the vehicle to the garage (main dealers can charge upwards of £100 an hour) and who simply plug it into their diagnostics machine in order to get a fault code. Spares for most cars ridiculously expensive, but suppose servicing and repairs is where most garages make their money.

  4. That sounds like its got to be a Merc, utter peices of shit that are now half Renualt so even worse than before, the only good Mercs are old Mercs the same as pretty much every other make out there, cheapest ever build quality, rammed full of cheap shit electronics that cant stand any vibration or condensation [ on a fucking car ] and now you cant even buy individual parts as the bits that break are no longer available sepperatly so when you break a £10 door handle you have to buy a £450 door panel that includes the handle and the list goes on and fucking on….Don’t buy a Merc….

  5. Car build quality has never been better but by fuck do they cram a lot of pointless gizmos in. The touch controls on the screen in my car are positively dangerous. You may as well have a phone in your hand texting your granny and playing games whilst checking your social media. It also has ‘radar braking’.
    ( No, me neither. )
    In fact half the bells and whistles on the fucker mean fuck all to me. I miss my 1964 Morrris Traveller. Fungus on the woodwork and front wheels that randomly fell off. Happy days.

  6. If I may be so bold, Lord B,

    I fully concur that today’s cars – as with so many ‘devices’ in the modern world – are scarily reliant on technology and it is infuriating when you can’t drive the malingering bastard just because of a ‘glitch with the ECU’ or the sensor that pings the servo that flicks the relay that toggles the thingummybob. AAAARRGGRRGRGHHHHHH! Safe Mode? Cunts.

    However. Perhaps a touch of rose-tinted, soft focus nostalgia about how good and simple cars were ‘back in the day’? Was it really any less frustrating when you still couldn’t get going, not because of a clever little gadget that had failed, but because of shitty design and engineering, piss poor workmanship, or bodywork panels that had been made from 3 parts rust in the first place (FIAT).

    As a Sunday night commuter for many years, starting in the days before mobile phones and garages that stayed open after 7pm, I still shudder at the memory of some of the crappy cars – and bikes – that my mates and I owned, or that I hitched a lift in. Anything made in the Midlands, or Italy, was a 50;50 shot at best.

    Today’s motors might all be highly strung Japanese or German university graduates compared with the rough and ready council house bangers that we could afford back then, but they are also a much safer bet on a rainy Sunday night, far from civilisation.

    I am sorry to hear you are having trouble with your own wheels. A friend of mine has an older, less advanced vehicle up for sale; I will give him a call and see what he wants for it. I think it is called a Vauxhall Luddite – not quick off the mark, but reputed to ‘go on and on for years’.

    Yours Aye,

    Gunner

    • I rebuilt a series 3 landrover, never had a problem with it, but killed it when I went on to build a range rover hybrid.

      As for shito the mazda, I found another car, drove to the vendors house, bought his car left mine on the road outside and called the local scrappy to pick it up, fucking thing was lethal, gearbox up the shitter, doors that wouldn’t let me in, or out sometimes and expanded foam sills.
      I did insist that the car was scrapped and that it not be fixed and passed on.

  7. My VW transporter that I use for work is 8 years old now. 180000 on the clock. I look after it but only in a non abusive way. It’s built like a fucking panzer. The doors are 8 inches thick. Not a single spot of rust and still on the original clutch. A proper lump of German engineering. Far and away the best, most reliable vehicle I have ever owned. But like you say, if anything electronic goes tits up I’ll be fucked.

  8. Personally I deeply distrust anything mechanical or electrical that I can’t fix myself.
    Anyone else here remember how to set points gap, ignition timing or valve tappet clearences? 😁

    • I know that my dad taught me to set the spark plug gap ‘to the width of your thumbnail’ ‘nowt else.

      Fred Dibnah Jr

      • And for you youngsters out there, thumbnail as in the flat, hard bit at the end of your thumb (not a tiny little photograph of two people shagging, like the ones on your smartphone).

    • Yeah old school iron. I used to race sidecar motocross on a yamaha xs650 engined outfit rebored to 750cc. It was based on a BSA engine but the Japanese knew how to stop it leaking and being reliable.
      It was quick and never went wrong the points were easy to adjust and didn’t leak oil.
      Other crews using british engines were also quick but always seemed to be working much more on them between races.
      Such a shame that we couldn’t up our quality because our bikes were great bits of kit.

      • They were easy to work on, anyway. Changing the plugs on my SV1000 needs much undoing of screws, air cleaner out and the radiator repositioned. On my long-gone 5TA, you just changed the plugs. (No, I’d still much rather have the SV.) But do you know real pain? Try a Dnepr outfit. No danger of racing that…

  9. My brother was one of those cunts who kept adding bits to his car. Extra lights, Castrol GTX stickers and a sound system in the boot so loud it sounded like the equivalent of 3 Concordes taking off in his car.

    • Heard the throaty roar of a performance exhaust coming round the corner yesterday. It was a VW beetle – old one. You have to laugh.

  10. My policy has always been to spend ten times more on a stereo than on a car. As I spend 5 hours a day listening to music and average 20 minutes a day In a car, it makes sense.

    • 36yr old Meridian M2s, 35yr old Linn LP12, 40yr old Yamaha preamp, still the dog’s bollocks. My car, a reliable, quiet, 2002 Volvo V70 cost £750.

  11. In the eighties with 3 young sons i had only £100 for a car. With this i bought a hand painted ( with a brush) rear engined Simca. After 6 months it had no 1st or 2nd or even reverse gear and had to be pushed out of parking spaces. When you attempted any journey over 3 miles the radiator made a noise like a tone deaf looney on a harmonica. No looking back with rose coloured specs there. Not a cool look that for a young man i can tell you!

    • Exactly my point. I once did about a hundred miles hanging onto the gear knob in my mate’s mini, after the whole gearbox tried to drop out the bottom. (Turns out the squaddie he bought it from had fixed the gearbox in place with two rolls of masking tape, nothing else). Stuck in third gear the whole way, and every time he put his foot on the accelerator it nearly pulled my arms out of their sockets.

      Unbelievably cool when we finally got back; I looked like a fucking gibbon.

      • Nothing wrong with the squaddy. The masking tape must have been defective!

    • So is Comrade Corbyn.

      The opportunist commie cunt is now whipping Labour MPs to vote in favour of remaining in the Single Market and Freedom Of Movement. Also for a Customs Union which will block the UKs ability to strike its own trade deals.

      All in contravention of Labour’s manifesto (naturally).

      https://www.express.co.uk/news/politics/1108220/brexit-news-labour-party-indicative-votes-common-market-freedom-of-movement-eu-deal

      (Apologies if you’ve already read similar in a previous post).

      • Diane Abbot thought she saw half an uneaten Ginsters pie that had dropped onto the floor and weighed in like a Fijian rugger bugger.

      • Thank the lord Flabbott isn’t as passionate about climate change and decided to join them in stripping off. That would have seen off more than a few of the older cunts.

      • LL, Climate Change or not, had Flabbotasaurus Rex removed her parachute-sized knickers, there certainly would’ve been real evidence of Global Warming.

    • Jon Bon Jerkoff’s ideal runabout would be an NSU.
      Given his wife’s behaviour, I suspect he probably has several.
      They look like constipated Imps, so entirely suitable for the Rt. Cuntitudinous Speaker of the Arse.

  13. Modern cars are shit and have no character.
    I have two old Land Rovers, they ooze character, and numerous automotive fluids, they are draughty, the rain gets in, they require the use of arcane pieces of equipment such as grease guns, sturdy outdoor clothing requiring.
    I have no intention of getting rid, far too useful, far too versatile, tow like a train.
    I’m more likely to get rid of the missus.
    Good evening.

      • And they (the Defender) are now becoming fucking expensive as they are now sought after following the decision of the mighty cunting EU. Yet another reason why we should have left years ago.

  14. I have a 1973 Rover P6 V8, which is a minter (after I rebuilt it) and is a great car to own and drive. It is dead easy to work on (apart from rear brakes) and not too expensive to maintain.

    My runaround is a 2006 Rover 75 CDTi. I picked it up with under 60K miles on it 5 years ago. It is now up to 92K miles. Parts are cheap but there is a great web forum with dedicated enthusiasts who have guided me many a time around problems. Spares are cheap, it does 50 mpg on a good run and the chairs are the comfiest car seats I have ever sat in. Oh yes and it goes well for a ‘grandad mobile’ after a T4 tweak to 160 BHP…

    By contrast I have a company Audi Q3, which is a glorified VW. It is noisy; it has no torque at low speeds in 2nd gear, which cause it to stall which is just plain fucking dangerous upon approaching roundabouts. After a drive up to Brum last autumn, I got out and took about five minutes to straighten up – the fucking thing crippled my back. Designed by bullet headed cunts in ‘Das Farterland’.

  15. I have a 17 year old Ford Focus and I’m still trying to locate a 3 year old leak into the driver’s footwell. Nobody except Ford want to even look at it but they want more than the car is worth. So loads of towels rule the day. It’s not the heater matrix and I’ve so far ruled other things out too but it’s really getting on my tits.

    • Could be the battery tray rotted through. It was a notorious occurance on later Escorts and might have been carried over into the Focus design. Water pools around the trailing edge of the bonnet then drips through onto the battery but in the Escort it ends up in the passenger footwell where it eventually eats away at the floorpan. Can be kept at bay by smothering the battery tray area with seam sealant or mastic…

      • The battery area is on the nearside so it’s not that and I had the battery out today and all is well there. It’s seemingly nothing obvious and sometimes I can see the water coming down behind the pedals, but I just can’t work out where the fuck it’s coming from. I took the scuttles off today to check the rainwater drainage pipe except I couldn’t find the bastard, or even see where it would go!

      • Pollen filter seals? ………..

        ” pollen filter usually start to leak when they have been disturbed during a service or such.
        remove window screen wipers and remove the plastic tray that goes along the full length of the window this will reveal the filter .
        Fit a new 1 but follow the instructions for fitting to the letter as they are very hard to get the seals correctly aligned.

      • Sadly not, although the scuttle seal over the pollen filter did fail a few years ago and I woke to a passenger side full of water. It’s wet as we speak so I reckon it HAS to be a rainwater leak (I’ve not driven the car since the New Year) but even though I’ve seen the water leaking into the car at one point, I can’t find it engine-side and I don’t dare start stripping things down as I’m no mechanic.

    • We’ve got a Ford Mondeo that age and it too has a leak somewhere we can’t locate. The whole interior is perpetually dank and stinks like a druids crotch pocket.

      • That could have been the one I sold to a garage about 10 years ago. It isnt a silver estate by any chance?

      • Does anyone have the misfortune to own a Renault 5, reg. ARK 586Y ? A real “auto de vendredi”…
        My ex and I binned it years ago, it spent months up on the lift at the garage who were daft enough to take it.

  16. I have a 2015 Hy-und-dry I30, with that Stop Start nonesense to save you 30p’s worth of diesel a year.
    I’m technically a Millenial, for ny sins, but fix my own shit.
    I had a horrible screaching rattle 6 months ago (at about 50,000 miles old), sounded like a bag of chissels in a washing machine, so the car was off the road instantly until I sorted it.
    I have a code reader and all that shite, but no fault codes!
    After a week’s worth of work going through everything I could possibly think of I had the starter motor off and the clutch was totally shagged.
    So, to save 30p a year in diesel, it puts extra strain on the battery and my starter motor lasts 50,000 miles. Typical false economy.

    • A stupid gimmick to give the car supposed “green credentials”
      False economy indeed…

  17. This has reminded me, my wife once had a 2CV. She loved it but, to my mind, it was a fucking death trap. The gear lever was in the dashboard and changing gear became a probability rather than a given. It eventually died in spectacular fashion when the entire chasis sank onto the wheels.

    • As a stoodent in 1981 I had a one nighter with a woman who drove a knackered Reliant Robin with no suspension at all. If she went over so much as a manhole cover you’d bang your head on the roof. In the morning it didn’t quite have the power to get up a 10 foot ramp from the Halls of Residence car park and I had to push it, marvellous.

  18. Modern cars flatter the driver into thinking they are more capable behind the wheel than they actually are. Once you’ve pushed these cars beyond their limit of adhesion, you will die. Because you don’t know how to drive.

    The lower limits on older, rear wheel drive cars, allowed us to get the fucker sideways in the snow, wet road, or better yet, skid-pan and get a feel for how a car reacts. Learn how to use opposite lock and the throttle to get the cunt ’round a corner.

    ABS ? Traction Control ?? Fuck Off and learn how to drive.

  19. I don’t know who you cunts think you are, driving around in cars like you own the place or something?
    You’ll soon be priced off the roads to leave them nice and clear for the people who know best.
    All in the name of saving the planet ok ya?
    Nothing wrong with public transport for the worker drones.

    • Too right Freddie – and once the car has been eliminated from UK roads, to be replaced by the bicycle…. Er, where’s all the money from Fuel Duty / Road Tax / Vat etc etc going to come from….

      • Tax and insurance on bicycles anybody? Don’t worry, they’ll soon find better ways of robbing your pockets. Can’t find a solution to the Irish backstop but they can always find a way to steal your money.
        What are you going to do…….vote against it?

  20. Modern cars are a cuntish con. They are like smart phones, once you buy one you are forced to keep buying them. I will never own a car with something as cuntish as a can bus system (what ever that is) because I know its usually more like a cannot bus system or a you are totally fucked system. New models come and go so quickly and they are never on the road for long because once they are out of warranty they will bankrupt you to keep them. That’s right, fuck modern cars, fuck the cunts that make such shite and most of all fuck you cunts that are stupid enough to buy them.

  21. I wish a modern car could have a run-in with John Major. Any modern car. Preferably somewhere on a busy M20.

    Withering, tortoise-faced cunt.

    • I saw that grey faced cretin on the marr show, talking about his beloved EU , honest johns a proper cunt who started us down the river of serfdom with his Maastricht shite, leaving it for the millipede and cyclops to finish us off….

      I really hate how much running a car costs today but I fucking suffer it as the alternative is far to painful!! Public transports a cunt for many reasons , it’s expensive and half the time you can’t find a seat which is particularly shite, worst of all is you are subjected to being in close proximity to people you normally wouldn’t piss on if they were alight…..
      The nose pickers / ball scratchers
      Talking to loud on their mobile cunts
      Screaming babies!
      Ignorant cunts who fall all over you!
      Cunts who obviously don’t know how to bath or shower!
      Cunts playing music so loud on their headphones you want to physically remove them……
      And old people that take a fucking eternity getting on or off the bus…..😡

      OP…
      just saw nick boles is leaving Tory’s after his soft Brexit plan got voted down…
      bye bye you fucking remain turd…….

      • Nick Boles – what an embarrassment.

        Every few months they roll out John Fucking Major to gibber away like he’s an important guest. I’d rather listen to the till girl in Aldi, at least she’s assiduous and knows what’s happening in real life. Every time John Fucking Major is blithering on trying to sound relevant, all I can see is a boney old twat, Phillip Hammond’s nerdy older brother, trousers down, grundies round his ankles, poking his grey tadger into Edwina Currie.

        John Fucking Major. Care in the fucking community.

      • Indeed. Someone needs to take care of the old scrote, but in a Quentin Tarantino sort of way…

      • This morning on the bus (bike off road fuck it) saw a first for me. Pig-faced probably Polish cow putting her face on. Smearing this, powdering that and dabbing at the other – the whole nine yards. Was considering telling her I’m allergic to face powder, which was drifting my way, but decided she needed all the camouflage she could get.

  22. Change of subject sorry. Just seen the news item of these nude environmentalists infiltrating the House of Commons and just standing there in their birthday suits. WTF. How the hell did they get past any security? They could have been terrorists! Hold on, that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing would it?

    • Definitely not! Imagine a couple of Jihadis, tooled up with Uzis and a shitload of ammo, getting in there. Oh joy.
      While all the snowflakes were crying and weeping we would be partying like there was no tomorrow!
      Somehow, I reckon Catweazle would emerge unscathed so perhaps the cunt could pay for the drinks.

  23. Fucking post has gone into moderation and now disappeared altogether.

    I fucking well give up posting anything longer than 1 or 2 sentences.

    Bollocks.

    • Hi PM.

      Reluctantly, that’s the reason why I post so infrequently these days myself.

      • As much of a ballsache it is, that’s a real shame TECB. Your posts are always top notch and I have laughed like a drain at many of them (I could never forget your Tom Bradby cunting).

        I’m sure I speak for many others on here as well.

        Would be great if the tech wizards could rebuild the site. I would be happy to pay a subscription if the posting input and interrogation could be made more user friendly

  24. A car to me is no different than a spanner or hammer, it’s just a tool to facilitate work.

    If I was rich enough to never have to drive again, I wouldn’t.

    The best car in the world is the one that gets you from A to B as efficiently as possible and with the least amount of hassle.

    Cunts in London moaning about being no more than 100ys away from a tube station, DLR point or bus stop (for those lengthy 2-3 minute waits between arrivals) need a good reality kick in the spuds and try using a service which comes around every 2hrs or so like the rest of the country!

  25. If you think the modern car is bad then you want to check out the modern lorry, this thing which I drive is like a supercomputer/home entertainment system on wheels. It’s actually better equipped than my fucking house and comfier, no wonder some fellow wagon driving cunts fall asleep at the wheel when you have this level of luxury.

    When I started out doing this job, the first wagon I drove was a shithole with 12 manual gears which required you to change 300 times a minute.

  26. Get a steamroller, and have a great time breaking every “emission” rule known to the Quinoa Party, run over a few cunts and virtue-semaphore cyclists while you’re at it.

    Let me know your route, I’ll get a picnic ready for you !

    Tried getting some Morton’s OVD at the rum bar on way home from sparky class tonight, had Cadenhead’s Classic overproof instead. Seems to have sorted my sore throat… Well worth a go. The older I get, the more it looks as if doubles are shrinking. Barely enough to wet the glass.

    • Move to Scotland. You get 20% more per shot. English measure is 1/6th of a gill, whatever the fuck that is (don’t tell me, I don’t want to know, sufficient to wet the inside of a glass slightly), and a Scots dram is 1/5th.

      • Have been considering this…Could get a wee flat in the Highlands for under £k100.

        Am just waiting for Turdgun to be given the bum’s rush…

  27. the upshot, the Mazda died and registered deceased with the DVLA.
    My “New Car” has a picnic table and a fucking shower in the boot????
    Why?

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