Jazz

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Following GJ´s masterly dissection of rap I would like nominate the honking and farting known as jazz that also masquerades as music. A cacophony of off notes produced by untalented ponces using their saxes, trumpets and drums to jerk off on stage as they are too lazy to pull their dicks out.

What a horrible bunch too with would-be aristocratic names like King Oliver, Count Basie, Duke Ellington and Earl Hines. Along with other unlovely monikers like Thelonius Monk, Dizzie Gillespie, Charlie Bird Parker, Herbie Hancock, Dave Brubeck, Stan Getz, Django Reinhart etc.

Can you imagine anything more off-putting than Louis Armstrong wiping his sweating, oily face with a miniscule hankie while baring his shark´s teeth and rolling his eyes or Miles Davis spaced out on a precursor of crack, creaking around the stage in skin tight trousers that are squeezing his balls til they burst?

Trad jazz is the worst especially when played by another stupid name Acker Bilk who, with his goatee beard and bowler hat, looks like a classic flasher.

I would love to imprison them all in the dark rancid cellars they love to “play” in, tie them to the tiny uncomfortable chairs the pretentious audience puts up with, attach headphones at full volume to their empty heads and force them to listen to Pinky and Perky and watch this video non-stop for eternity.

Nominated by Mr Polly

73 thoughts on “Jazz”

  1. Isn’t cunting Jazz a bit like saying ‘ Cheese’ is the devils food? The problem being that the varieties are so vast that unless you have an intolerance to dairy there is always one little cheese somewhere that someone likes?

    Just saying.

    Ps I love cheese but cannot see any point in Mozzarella……
    PPS. I find some Jazz utter toilet but other types absolutely superb….

    • No point in mozzarella? what the hell do you mean m8?! you can put it in tacos, on your omelette, in other mexican type foods, potatos, pizza, calzones, lasanga, pasta basically any italian dish you can think of you can stuff some mozza in it

      No point in mozzarella pfft just a ludicrous assertion sir I hope you think about what you said here today just plain silly

      • I have been thinking and in fact there are times when I like mozzarella….. don’t like to admit it but I was indeed far too hasty on this occasion Mr T S . Thank you for making me think twice. ….. I feel better for it.

    • Jazz? ..bleedin jazz?! Its at its best with some cunt singing ‘ scat’! No only two people ive ever heard sing praises of jazz are Lisa Simpson and Bill Cosby. A snowflake sjw and a nonce! Best kept away from, insidious shite jazz is.

    • Jazz? The ADHD stepchild of music genres, if jazz went missing on holiday youd pretend to be upset, put up ‘missing’ posters, but secretly you’d sigh with relief.

      • To be fair Cunty mozzarella is rather bland cheese on its own definitely doesn’t pair that well with wine but to say theres no point to it is rather daft Also theres a bit of difference from quality mozza vs the commercially made stuff like kraft

    • Wanking off in full view of others – The definition of Jazz – “Now sit there quietly and just look at how talented I am ?” – Fucking dreadful “musical” argument between “players”

      I play guitar, bass, bit of keyboards, drums, etc yet I’m nowhere near far enough up my own arse as to call myself a Jazz musician

    • You beat me to it Ron, was just this second going to post the same clip.

      Hated jazz for as long as I can remember despite my uncle Ken playing the piano with Kenny Ball and his jazzmen.

  4. Strange how a rock band guitarist gets to play three chords in front of thousands while the jazz guitarist has to settle for the opposite….

  5. Fucking Jazz, hated it for as long as I can remember, everything about it. Trad Jazz with the noddy head cunts, all so smug.

    Cunts

    Jazz

    Cunts

  6. Great cunting Mr P. Jazz is the definition of anti – music. No doubt some proponents are good musicians, if only they’d play the right notes in the right order. There are few areas of music that are surrounded by such pretentiousness. Fuck Ronnie Scotts and all jazz loving cunts.

  7. I love it.

    John Coltrane, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holliday, Django, Chet, Duke, Miles, I love it. I also love classical, some pop, some rock. However, I understand if somebody hates jazz. It’s not for everyone.

    The problem with pop (rock, dance,rap – all types) is that it uses the same chords, usually C, G, Am, F. Musically, a lot of songs are literally the same. Our tastes change and develop as we age. Can you still be listening to punk or hip-hop or any burn-your-bedroom stuff in your 60s or 70s ir 80s? I liked Nursery Rhymes when I was three but don’t listen to them now.

    • Nursery Rhymes are disgraceful. Sexist, racist, anti-tranny (probably). Old Mother Hubbard attacks single mothers. Why does Jack go up the hill first? Round and round the mulberry bush like a serious mental disorder!

      Incey-Wincey rapist?

      Three Little unclean Pigs?

      Baa-Baa Black sheep? Psh. Racist.

    • I listen to nursery rhymes every Friday with my 2 year old granddaughter and have a good sing song. It helps preserve my innocence and reminds me I was young once.

    • I do like some modern jazz. Dare I say it Miles. But is there a problem with it being such a loose form? It can’t properly find a ‘resolution’ as in a traditional song. Then the focus becomes ‘virtuosity’. It can sink to banality as well, if they go the other way- then all it becomes is ‘atmospherics’. Mood music.

    • CM – I assume that you play guitar ? You underestimate the preponderance of the D G D A chord sequence (slap on a capo and pitch it where you will). That and the E A B chord sequence. Oh and the shit-awful dreariness of the A D A D E D A “12 bar blues” sequence. Fuck me, I’m waffling….

  8. In his introduction to his collection of reviews ‘All What Jazz’ Larkin rails against what he saw as the ‘mystification’ and ‘outrage’ of all Modern Art. Repeating again and again-‘Picasso, Pound, Parker’. At one point saying (from memory) they were out to produce Art that was ‘ugly on purpose’. I suppose he could have added Pollock. Recommended.

    • Maurice Ravel’s contributions to the musicology of Jazz are of some importance, and vice versa, as are its influences on perhaps the majority of modern “classical” composers.

      As a genre, it is far too diverse for a blanket cunting, as mentioned elsewhere, though the Fast Show had a satirical purview of its “umbilical cord” pretty well tied off.

  9. The term “Jazz” covers such a wide spectrum of different styles.

    I love certain John Coltrane and Miles Davis albums, ‘Bitches Brew’ being an all time favourite. Also Soft Machine and ‘Weasels Ripped My Flesh’ era Zappa, etc.

    “Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny” (Frank Zappa 1973)

    “Trad Jazz can fuck right off” (RTC 2019)

    • Zappa used Jazz like music at times, he liked his free form but his best album were light on Jazz to be fair. There may be some Jazz I like but I’ve yet to find it.

      Ginger Baker was a Jazz drummer I once heard, I also heard he was a cunt.

      Thee must be many who like Jazz and they are fucking welcome to it, listen with head phones.

      • Jazz from hell was a good zappa album in fact i think it was his only jazz album and his last live recorded album if my frank facts are right. The tipper gore music board PMRC wanted to ban it because it had the word hell on it Hell = satanic apparently

      • ‘Waka Jawaka’, ‘The Grand Wazoo’ and ‘Make A Jazz Noise Here’ were the closest Zappa got to making all-out jazz albums.

        ‘Jazz From Hell’ was actually a studio album, the last to be released in Zappa’s lifetime in fact. All compositions were performed by Zappa alone on his Synclavier DMS, with the exception of the track ‘St. Etienne’, into which he inserted a live guitar solo recorded in France.

        He concentrated on releasing live albums for the remaining 7 years of his life.

        “Not that it makes any difference to ya.”

      • Except Waka Jaka wasn’t that jazzy imho, Grand Wazoo was a big band jazz rock unit thingy that was very short lived I heard almost all the scratchy sounding bootlegs of that one

        You know I mistakenly confused Jazz from hell with Make a Jazz noise here you’re right in fact Jazz from hell despite the title had no jazz on it only Synclavier based songs and guitar solo instrumental you mentioned Make a Jazz noise here was was the live one I was referring to great album too definitely my favorite 80’s album from Zappa

      • You probably won’t get to read this TitS, but for the record (no pun intended) ‘The Grand Wazoo’ is an official studio album recorded in 1972 while Zappa was recovering from being thrown off stage at the Rainbow Theatre, breaking his leg.

        I was in the audience, but like a cunt was not looking in the direction of the stage at the crucial moment!

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Grand_Wazoo

      • I reading it, I was thinking of the petite wazoo when he toured, I know about the album grand wazoo he played mostly that material on the tour

        So you were there when he got pushed off the stage?, thats wild story man, was a long time ago too and if the rumor is true he got pushed by some groupies overprotective boyfriend he screwed funny stuff. It was amazing that he continued to make music despite that nasty fall which almost shattered his ribs

  10. When I was a kid they used to play Dave Brubeck’s ‘Take Five’ on the radio all the time. Can’t say I liked it all that much but I got to appreciate jazz-influenced stuff from listening to the Zombies. That’s as far as it went, real Jazz isn’t for me.

    • The zombies jazz? The zombies are ace allan but they honestly never had much jazz influenced songs in there brief discography shes not there and this will be our year have a small influence from jazz but its mostly pop Odessey & Oracle was brilliant album tho I put it on quite often

  11. Thirty odd years ago I ended up in a jazz club place in Windernere,of all places. No idea why,I can’t stand jazz,but perhaps it was the only place still serving. As I sat down, I noticed that there was a wallet lying on the floor which had obviously dropped out of the jacket draped over the seat occupied by a sweaty fat Cunt. I picked it up,thick with notes it was,and tapped him on the shoulder. The Cunt turned round,recognised his proffered wallet and took it…never smiled,said “thank-you” or even as much as looked me in the eye.

    I regret very few things in life,but I will go to my box ruing the fact that I didn’t take that wallet and spend every fucking penny in it. After all these years, I’m still fucking angry about it.

    Fucking Cunt.

    • Should of swiped enough for a beer Dick, alot of jazz bebopers are usually strung out heroin users nodding off into oblivion, just trying to enjoy that funky sexy jazz you dig it man

      • I should have punched the ill-mannered Cunt in the face and taken the lot, TS… Fuck, after all these years and I’m still clenching my fist at the thought of it.

      • Chill daddyo bad vibes and visons of violence are shrouding my high man just listen to the cool sounds of coltrane and chill out an drink some bushmills friend and i’ll catch you on the flipside you sly angry cat you

    • I remember many years ago Dick finding a wallet on the floor of a railway carriage, on the way home from work- Liverpool St to Ipswich. Again it had a wad of cash in it, along with credit/debit cards etc.

      The friend I was travelling with urged me several times to give it to the ticket collector, but thought I would hand it in at Ipswich station and make sure it was done properly and above board.

      Happened to notice a bit later a guy obviously looking for something in the next carriage. Went up to him and asked if he had lost something. Lost his wallet.

      Asked him what his name was, and it matched the one in the wallet so I handed it over to him.

      He gave me a the filthiest look, and not even a thank you. I regretted handing it back to him immediately.

      Cunt

      My wife also found a wallet in Japan when she was younger, single,working and short of cash. Found a wallet stuffed full of Japanese Yen. Japanese companies often used to pay their staff in cash so either probably a months wages. Wrestled with her conscious and really wanted to keep it but as is (or was) usually the way reported it and handed it in. Usual protocol in Japan is a thank you from the owner plus 10% of the cash contents.

      Nothing. Years later she also regrets not spending the cunts cash.

      My young son found £10 on the floor at Tesco last year, and he asked what he should do. Told him to take it to customer services and to say he had found it. He was told that if not claimed within seven days he could keep it. Do you know it was claimed. Suggested to him the suspicion it may have been claimed by an employee.

      I was brought up to treat those how you would wish to be treated yourself, and to be honest. To this day I have been, but there are clearly many out there who don’t give a fuck about manners or honesty or how they treat their fellow man.

      Shame on them.

      • Evening, Willie
        It still rankles with me. The Utter Cunt.

        On the other hand, I was waiting to use the cashpoint once when the Old Biddy in front of me walked off putting her card away in her purse, without picking up her cash. I took the cash out of the machine and gave it to her. She thanked me,went into her purse and got out a pound coin…I tried to say no,but she insisted….I took it.

      • It could have been a Werther’s Original instead Mr Fiddler. I saw the Humanity nom from yesterday, a break from the ongoing stale Brexit debate anyway if nothing else.

      • Thanks Liberal. Not much makes me laugh these days. But you have succeeded.

      • Evening, LL.
        I must admit when I read the original nom. (before it was edited), I was amazed. As RTC said, I could have been Cunted for many things,but I’d never have thought that a nomination about Euphemisms would be the cause.
        Extraordinary.

      • I’ve put several wallets back into the hands of their owners and Yes I’ve been surprised at their attitude. It’s as if I stole it from them. Maybe they are distracted by their panic and self loathing at having lost it.

      • I did exactly the same thing in Maplins in Cambridge .. shopping with my, then six year old, daughter. A tenner laying on the floor on our side of the till counter as we went to pay for some bits and pieces. Ideal opportunity to show my daughter ..’the right thing to do’.
        Asked my daughter to pick it up and hand it to the lady behind the counter and explain it had been on the floor… The same ‘lady’ behind the counter, looked at her colleague and agreed they remembered the little old lady that dropped it, and that they would make sure they woluld see she got it back. Straight away I thought what a pair of CUNTS.
        I never shopped there again. .. What ? Maplins have closed down … I hope them two fuckers held on to that tenner, they’ll need it now. Cunts.

  12. You cant throw the music of Armstrong, Basie and Ellington in with modern jazz which revels in complexity rather than musicality. My late father in law was a trumpeter and band leader who also played in some classic Lancashire brass bands. He loved Basie, Ellington, Satchmo and swing music but regarded modern jazz as a pointless noise. Also think of the wonderful bands who backed Sinatra and Bennet. This cunting is too broad. Perhaps rap and techno more fitting.

    • Blood sweat and tears weren’t bad especially the first lineup but it would be considered jazz fusion/ pop then traditional Norm. Their first album was very pop sounding like beatles meets chicago songs like “my days are numbered” “sometimes in winter” and “house in the country” are smashing tracks imo if anyones interested

  14. Pinky and Perky on Crackerjack, eh? You haven’t touched the depths yet. Here’s John Bercow on Crackerjack. Dire programme, dire cunt.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eAkveRVQSE

    Rather like Dave Brubeck, and not just ‘Take Five’, also New Orleans street jazz, but pretentious random noodling round the blues is extremely tedious. Would rather listen to Mad Herbert ‘Swamp Dog’ Clarence doing his take on ‘Woke Up Dis Mawnin An Forgot All De Words’, personally.

  15. I hate jazz elitists stuck up snobby fuckers I tell you, some pretty decent jazz out there tho you got to know where to look personally I hate horn based jazz if it has a trumpet or saxophone I’ll most likely hate it but ifs its more piano, bass or drum based its usually more up my alley

    I’d recommend you cunters some good jazz if you like but you jazz haters can pound sand you don’t deserve those feel good rhythmic beats

  16. Margaret Thatcher summed it up succinctly in her speech – “where there is error, May will bring truth. Where there is doubt, May will bring faith. Where there is despair, May will bring hope. And where there is discord, May will bring jazz.( not so sure I got that in the correct order )

    • May will bring nothing but uselessness.

      Btw, the original quote was: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith. And where there is despair, may we bring hope.”

      Yeah yeah, another duplicitous cunt.

  17. ALL musical jazz (whatever the variation, and whatever sweating, suit-wearing, goatee-owning shitrag performed it) is utter fucking tripe.
    I once bought a lot of about 300 jazz records at auction for £2 just so I could smash the fuck out of ’em. Anybody that professes a liking for this aural faeces needs their fucking cunt kicked in. Cunts.

    The only jazz worth a wipe is a good ol’-fashioned jazzmag.

  19. I like some modes of jazz my fellow cunters 🎶🎷🎺🎸🎹🥁🎶

    🎵Be bop de boo bop🎵

    🕺

    I’ll get my coat

  21. Listening to “Greensleeves” then “My Favourite Things” by Coltrane whilst drinking Rioja is pretty ace and a great bromide to Theresa Fucking May’s poisonous sell-out of Democracy.

    Cheers 🍷

    • Not as serious but no less cunty is a school in Walsall employing somebody to change nappies at an infant school because parents are sending their brats in not toilet trained. The future’s bright, the future’s brown.

  25. “Ginger Baker was a Jazz drummer I once heard, I also heard he was a cunt”

    Baker is definitely a jazz drummer he started off playing it in the golden years of the british jazz and blues boom of the 60’s but hes also a rock’n’roll drummer too he just is a jazz elitist he hates when people forget his jazz credentials and reminds him of his rock music . Oh hes definitely a cunt the way he treated his family, bandmates and friends beggars belief really stubborn mean old cunt but great drummer nonetheless

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