Hermes

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HERPES.COM

Had an email today from this delivery company about tracking an order I’d made. Now, I don’t know about you, but I get very nervous when I receive an email from Hermes or Yodel saying they are going to deliver my item. All sorts of things go through your mind – will the beggars pretend to have been to the house, will they leave the item with next door’s dog or will they throw it over my fence, shattering my new 50 inch 4K ultra HD tv? This email gave me a tracking number of
0533685244112078. WTF! By the time I’d finished entering the number, I could hear the sound of my tv crashing over the fence. Herpes.com is a real cunt.

Nominated by Bluntspeakingcunt

49 thoughts on “Hermes”

  1. Parcelfarce is the worst offender in my personal experience. The delivery man walks to your front door and knocks on it with an ostrich feather then very quickly fucks off.

    If you are lucky they might drop a pickup card, but from my recent experience this is far too much of an investment in someone’s efforts. My parcels got sent back to the supplier and they gave me a refund.

    Parcelfarce = the CUNTS of the courier world.

  2. Why are all these delivery men so fucking pig ugly?

    My postman,however,could give me a special delivery anytime…
    Cheeky little scamp.

    • When you say “cheeky” do you mean that he screams “Fuck Off you rampaging rear-gunner” when you jump out of the bushes with your cock out and goose him as he attempts to put your strap-on catalogue through the letterbox?
      He sounds like a homophobe. You should report him

      🙂 .

    • If the postman knew you had the hots for him, he’d probably leave all his parcels in your back passage.

  3. When some parts didn’t turn up that I’d ordered, I contacted the company and asked when they were liable to arrive,as I needed them fairly urgently. The company got back to me and said that the Delivery Firm had delivered them and left them in my garage. Load of bollocks. My garage,along with most of the other sheds,is kept locked. I looked in the the hay shed and wherever in case the parts where there. No sign. I also checked the CCTV…no fucking sign of any delivery driver.
    Got back in touch with the firm who agreed that the best bet would be if I came down and picked up the parts myself. They didn’t try and charge me again.
    The delivery firm are lying Cunts.

  4. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been home and some cunt from yodel or Hermes etc has claimed to have been to my address!!
    Do I live in a castle? No
    Does my house resemble Buckingham palace? No
    Does my doorbell work? Yes!
    Whilst working from my home Am I playing extremely load music impairing my ability to hear the aforementioned doorbell or even a simple knock? No!
    Have I received a card from the cunt who has allegedly Called? No!
    So when I look at the fucking tracking advice why do I see unable to deliver? ( odd as both of my neighbours wife’s don’t work and are at home most of the time)
    Bunch of lying cunts!!
    Monkeys and peanuts……….

  5. Living on the estate has always meant being disadvantaged in one way or another. The last time a postman dared set foot here he was mugged and his bag stolen for the benefits giros it contained. That was in 1982. Since then the residents have used the poste restante service provide by the litter bin outside McColl’s just over the road from the estate proper. One can put up with these small inconveniences but recently a plague had descended upon the good residents. No I don’t mean the TV Licensing Authority detector vans. The last time one of those appeared here the pikeys three doors down had new wheels on their Transit van and a satellite dish fixed to the wall before you could say ‘tarmac your drive, governor?’ That was in 1991. No, I refer to white parcel delivery van man, always Eastern European, careering around the estate at excessive speeds, scattering groups of hooded youths, who admittedly should be in school, engaged in their customary pursuits of drug dealing and a bit of harmless stabbing each other fun. These white vans never have a company name on them. I assume that the service is provided by Albanian/Romanian entrepreneurs and the drivers are paid cash-in-hand, with a bonus if they possess any kind of driving licence. Yesterday I had opportunity to assist one driver with his English language skills when he brought his van from a 60mph to 0mph stop in my driveway, which was recently tarmaced by the neighbours. He can now say, with excellent pronunciation, “get that fucking van off my driveway you scrofulous European cunt”. The delivery of course was not for me but the next door neighbour.

    • For the East European filth, delivery services is a front. Post and parcels are for when they’ve delivered all their Class As.

  6. Unfortunately I’ve never had a problem using these cunts – either sending or receiving – so sadly unable to vent my spleen on this occasion.

    • Me neither, at least in the last few years. Not even with Hermes. Though FedEx always bill someone else for customs and VAT on imported stuff… complicated story… The poor mug knows who to complain to – me – and FedEx have no procedure for correcting their records. But they’re greased lightning at getting stuff through Customs in quick time, so win some, lose some.

      • I can only speak for Hermes (used them for larger stuff I sold on eBay), though a few years back the wife had some crap jewellery delivered via FedEx and awhile later received an invoice for unpaid federal tax or summat! I assumed it was a scam (inside job) and told her to ignore it. For once she took my advice and heard no more from the cunts.

      • My billing was completely legit as the stuff came from the US and Canada. The normal procedure is that UK import duty and VAT (only) are paid by FedEx to get your delivery out of the customs shed, and then invoiced to the recipient, along with a handling charge. Import duty is assessed by HMRC if applicable, and parcels are routinely checked to defeat false dispatch declarations by the sender. Or in your case for the presence of weapons and drugs.

        ‘Federal tax’ suggests a scam, as you say. Local taxes would be added by the supplier to the cost, and would not be separately invoiced.

  7. I see the future… The date is 2038 all the roads are full up with delivery drivers and illegal immigrant Deliveroo cunts on mopeds delivering everything from takeaways to various chemicals for Mr Snackbar.
    I understand businesses/work places needing deliveries etc but all these Internet shoppers especially women buying shite only to try the clothes on only to then send it back… Not giving a fuck abaaaaaht the pollution all this delivery causes and using the excuse ‘I’m so busy’… yeah busy stuffing your fat gob wiv cake and biscuits. Why don’t you take time out of your busy schedule and attempt to actually go to a shop and try the shite on and then you can actually touch it and get the decision right in the first place you lazy cunt. In women’s case it’s not like you’re doing something useful like giving your long suffering cunt husband a blow job… You’re spending the time you’ve saved from going shopping talking to Tracey abaaaaaht X factors latest no hope cunt.
    Any cunt who gets Deliveroo is a cunt and I thank God for diabetes. Fuck off you lazy cunts.
    I am only saying this because I care for what is becoming Great Shitain.

    • While feeling your pain in full, B&WC, may I just remind you that by 2038 we will be fully integrated into the European Undemocratic Union, and the immigrant Deliveroo riders will be fully legal, as required by the Freedom of Movement For Absolutely Everybody Directive of 2035?

      • How could I overlook what is obvious Komodo… Not forgetting the compulsory EU national service for the German sorry I mean EU army.

  8. Will never use these monkies again.
    Mrs C sent a two parcels of her home made preserves (well packaged – bubble wrap, cardboard, brown paper) to her friends as she does every year.
    First the courier cunt did not turn up on the booked date. Secondly the goods arrived smashed. I can only assume an in-promptu game of football was played with the parcels.
    Complaining to Herpes is tortuous eventually got an answer from them, they tried to wriggle out of any responsibility by saying ; “Jam was a hazardous substance”.
    Fuck me what a load of bollocks.
    Mind you I think DPD might have the edge on these arseholes for lying and inefficieny.

  9. Amazing how many laptops we sent to customers at work never arrive, it doesn’t matter which service you use there is always some lazy cunt. Of the one that do arrive often the box is damaged and sometimes the contents, nothing like a game of laptop football at the depot.

    I expect the percentage of parcels that don’t get to their destination in one piece is tiny but a pain in the arse.

    British workers are not the always most conscientious but certainly not the worst. One issue is delivery drivers being given unrealistic targets just to make minimum wage.

    • Sixdog very good point about the unrealistic delivery targets some of the poor bastards are delivering my gear at 20.00 hrs for fuck sake. They look like fucking zombies, last summer I gave out red bull and bottled water to them, they were amazed that someone gave a fuck.

  10. I see similarities between mobile phones and all this delivery bollocks. How did we cope before all theses delivery companies popped up and how did we cope before having these little ‘smartphones’ watching our every move in our pockets? We coped well enough but now every cunt thinks they are important enough to have to be available for contact 24 hours a day, well you’re not you deluded cunt.
    On the unfortunate occasions I have to mix with smelly cunts on the tube all you see are cunts glued to their phones busy doing nothing.
    My Grandad told me all this mobile phone business was the biggest con and he was right.

    • I bet you’ve got a pocketful of burner mobile phones and a fleet of Homies with scooters on standby to make takeaway deliveries.

      🙂 .

      • I like to call it special delivery Mr Fiddler… We have an assortment of various substances that Londoners want but can’t get down the shop.
        How else am supposed to keep my bitches in designer clothes…the Giro is only 30 quid a week.

      • I actually use this forum to arrange deals with a certain Mr cream puff. He’s a dodgy fucker. 😀

      • You’re right there B&W. Dodgy as fuck.

        I have been thinking about your night attire B&W. Dressing up as Louis Farrakhan is too much trouble. Have you ever considered the Ku Klux Klan? Those outfits would be very comfortable to sleep in. You pull the hood down just before sleep and block the world out.

      • Already got one of them MP, Dick Fiddler lent me one from his vast collection.

      • I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed, numbered, or labelled as dodgy!

        PS: Never trust a woman. Even the four-legged variety.

  11. I believe Amazon have given up on their ludicrous drone-delivery service ?

    That’s a fucking nuisance ’cause I’m still waiting for the anvil I ordered.

    Richly deserved cunting btw.

    • I’ve never used Hermes but I remember once waiting in all day for an Amazon delivery. At five o’clock I went into the kitchen to have my tea and I came out to find a card had been pushed through my letterbox saying they’d been unable to deliver. All they had to do was ring the fucking doorbell. Of course I complained and since then I haven’t had any trouble at all.

  12. Had a good little scam going when I was a younger cunt…I would arrange for my ‘faulty’ Mac book Pro off to be repaired. I’d arrive at the post office with the empty box with a weight in it that matched the weight of the Laptop. Pay the cashier cunt the rip off Special delivery cost (insured for 2 grand). After paying these rip off cunts they then expected me to take it to the door down the end of the post office. On my way to the door the weight inside would somehow disappear out the box and they end up getting an empty box. When the cunts at the repair shop wing to say my faulty Mac book Pro box has arrived but with no Mac Book Pro in it… I’d hit the roof, some Somalian at the post office must have nicked it. Anyways after claiming through the special delivery insurance I was abaaaaaht £1500 better off. Not that I condone this behaviour now and I am ashamed… Not enough to pay them the 3-4 grand I made back though. The cunts.

    • If the Royal mail are reading this… I know naffink abaaaaaht it.
      Anyone finking of grassing me up… I’ll Ave your guts for garters.
      I am an upstanding member if society now.

      • B&W Cunt, ain’t you a little old for that business? Surely you got to be 17 and able to outrun the local bobbies? What’s your moped liberating skills like? An ya ho’s man them all biatches gotta be well over sell by date?

        And I heard a rumour you been using a knife to eat food with? Looks bad brudda

        Old cunts stealing work from the youth innit blud!!!

      • It was when I was a younger slightly skint cunt SV, never properly rode a moped and wouldn’t only a car for me… Would never ride anything with two wheels on the roads… Especially with all these newcomers from all over the world who seem to make up the rules as they go along. Only eat with a knife and fork and I like a older lady… Ya get me fam.

      • The brethren from abroad make the roads a more interesting and interactive experience. We can save a few bob by not marking the roads and removing road signs and traffic lights. These cunts have no need of them.

  13. That nice man from Hermes has just delivered some books to my door. ( no, not those sort of books you wanker). They’re for my little granddaughter. Not a fuckin’ hint of guilt.

    • My Hermes bloke has just been too, nice bloke, polite, reliable, just what you want. Some of the others are fucking diabolical and if I notice something is being delivered by Yodel I resign myself to having to chase the fucker for, perhaps, weeks before I get it. A few years ago I bought my wife one of those remembrance poppies form the exhibition at the Tower of London and YEP, it was due to be delivered by Yodel. I was told that I could change the address after I had confirmed the order (it had been placed months before when the exhibit was still in situ, and I’d moved since then). Of course, you couldn’t change the address because the lying bastards had no provision on the site to do so and the fucking thing was delivered to my previous address. Luckily the new owners weren’t in so they dropped it at a neighbours who had our new address and brought it round. Even better, I once saw the cunt stop over my driveway, rummage around in the back of the van for several minutes then fuck off. 2 minutes later I got an email telling me he’d tried to deliver and had left a card. Wrong on both counts you CUNT!

  15. I frequently work from home and the regular courier/delivery drivers know it; I quite often get asked to take in parcels for any of the dozen houses nearest to me if the drivers can’t raise an answer within 5 seconds.

    Can be a fucking nuisance, and certainly was in the run-up to Christmas when my hall looked like Del Boy’s flat, but I am a kind and considerate neighbour so I continue to assist.

    Last week, however, I was forced to ‘take issue’ with some Polish or Estonian cunt driving a DPD delivery van. I watched him pull up directly outside my gate and skip up to my door with a small parcel. When I opened up the door, expecting it to be something for me or my family, he straight away asked if I could “Take a parcel for Number 69; they’re out”.

    “Fuck off mate,” says I, “you didn’t even knock on their door. You came straight to me ‘cos you know I am usually here”.

    “No I didn’t.”

    “Yes you did.”

    “No I didn’t.”

    “Yes you fucking did”.

    I know these poor fucks only get 20 pence for each drop, so will do anything they can to speed up their kill rate, but I have to draw the line somewhere or I will be buried underneath Cardboard Boxes and Jiffy bags.

    Even worse, the early evening is fast becoming a stream of neighbours calling around to claim their parcels and, horror of horrors, feeling obliged to engage in small talk.

    I am fast becoming a truly unsociable cunt.

    • Feel your pain Gunner. I’m the sap in our street who takes the parcels in. 😡

    • Sounds pretty much like DPD.
      Had a timed delivery by those arses for a phone. Watched the van pull up and the driver delivered it with other parcels to my neighbour directly opposite.
      He drove off at speed when I tried to collar him. Complained to the company on to get an email back with a fucking smiley on the bottom!

  17. Having done some parcel deliveries as a summer job a few years back I can assure you that there are also a fair share of stupid cunts amongst the clientele. Daft fuckers who order goods knowing they wont be home to receive them and make fuck all provision for where the parcels should be left. These fuckers usually have a home like Fort Knox and you cannot leave the parcel in a safe location anywhere near their house. The neighbours either ignore you or are also not at home. So w h a t t h e F U C K a r e w e s u p p o s s e d t o d o ? The really thick cunts usually stipulate a before mid day delivery, which makes no fucking difference as they left to go on a 2 weeks holiday the day before ( genuine case). Astronomically stupid cunts are amongst us I can tell you.

    • Yes, there are cunt customers. But it’s always a problem when the company has no interest in knowing the customer’s preferences – such as a form on the website – or ability to communicate with the customer. Do I leave a note out front, advertising to any passing Roma that there is something which might be worth knocking off in the (redacted)? Do I look at the tracking app (if any) and decide that it is bound to arrive tomorrow (no time window offered by some) and take a day off work then? To find that the package has gone to a distribution centre at the other end of the country and stayed there?

      Also, I have had the impression on occasion that even if you can get your wishes known by the company that does not guarantee the subcontracted driver will know any more than the postcode.

      The systems do seem to be improving industry wide, though.

  18. What a coincidence. I ordered a tent for the TT and Hermes delivered it, said on the email it would be signed for. I saw him walk up the drive with it, dump it in the porch and fuck off, by the time I’d opened the door he was driving off.

  19. Very few of the houses on the long road were I live have a number, they all have names like mill house, mill haven, millstone, windy cottage,..you get my drift.
    This causes much consternation amongst the non-english speaking eastern european twats who work for these cunts.
    After driving up the road and back a few times, the lazy gobshites always stop outside our house to ask directions.
    After being inconvenienced several times and offering directions I am sure the twats have told all their mates to stop at our house to ask directions to save time looking.
    Now my answer is always the same, ‘it’s either that way or that way’ as I point in opposite directions.
    Fuck the scummy twats!

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