Pedal Powered Parasites
The depths of my utter loathing for cyclists is unquantifiable. I have arranged to bequeath my palpable hatred of these lycra-clad cunts, to my nephew and his future offspring, in my Will.
This very evening, at the beer shop which I sometimes frequent, The Chase had finished and on comes the Welsh News. (Bad enough, I know but at least it’s in English). Second item up, some “professional cyclist” is loudly bemoaning the proliferation of potholes on the Welsh roads – having gone arse-over-tit off his bicycle when the front wheel of his Raleigh Tomahawk, or suchlike, entered a pothole at, apparently 30mph. (Err, slow down, you cunt).
The whole (frankly hilarious) footage, which made me crop-spray my pint across my fellow imbibers, is available on YouLube. It was a life affirmingly joyous experience to watch the silly cunt bowling over and over, bikeless, limbs in all directions across the hard tarmac. I may have to watch it on repeat later.
However, the cuntability factor in this, is that the waste of blood and organs that are known as cyclists, contribute fuck all to the upkeep of roads which they so freely infest. Try chucking a few quid into the system, like us motorists do, in Vehicle Duty, Tax on Fuel, Vat on Fuel, Insurance Tax, Annual MOT, Vat on Tyres, Servicing etc – Then come back on telly to piss and moan about potholes.
Oh and cough up for my pint whilst you’re at it !
Nominated by Cunt Reviled
Nothing compares to the simple pleasure of riding a bike. (Attributed to John F Kennedy).
I agree. Although with the passage of time I have forgotten many names I do recall vividly the circumstances and I shall never forget Jocelyn. She was one hell of a good ride.
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His bike was called Marilyn.
Good morning.
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Good morning Jack.
Short, succinct and wonderful!
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Good morning HTC.
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HBC.
What a cunt I am.
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Lucky Cunt. Better than the Donalds array of Porn Stars and Eastern Europeans. Still he is doing better than me.
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Would Mr Reviled be so kind as to oblige us with a link to the incident on Youtube? I could do with a chuckle and watching some cunt (formerly) on a bike sailing gaily through the air gives one a warm feeling of contentment.
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Seconded. I need a good hearty tube-clearing laugh. I have previously cunted these cunts, and you cannot cunt them enough.
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Can’t find the one CR refers to – but here’s a side splitter:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cw82YsqT7Y
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That’s the one I found. The cunt wasn’t watching where he was going anyhow.
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Many thanks. Well worth the wait. A classic. Rehydration didn’t do him much good, did it?
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Those pair of twats can thank the quick reactions of that nasty motorist that they’re both still alive. It’s a wonder they both didn’t end up resembling a pair of flattened oversized hedgehogs. I can’t stand those fuckers who say “I can see both sides of the argument. I am both a motorist and a cyclist”. No wonder you’re a fuckin danger on the roads attempting both at the same time.
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I bet said cyclist has a beard.
Having lived in London, I could put my two pen’orth towards this worthy cunting. But I’m having coffee in bed in the Highlands, it’s a sunny day, and I have a ten minute commute without a beardy lycra cunt getting in the way. Bliss.
Instead, my blood pressure is raised by each discarded drinks can glinting in the sun on the grass verges. But this is Scotland, so Sturgeon’s fairies will come along and clean them up, free of charge. Aaaargh! So much for the relaxing start to the day.
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Scotland in general is a place where at ~£650 a ton, scrap aluminium drinks cans gleaned from the hedgerows and verges might be a useful sideline. There is the added bonus that if the local tinks see you making money at this, they will muscle in and there will not be a drinks can in sight within the week.
I have no ideas regarding McDonalds’ garbage, though.
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Great cunting.
Cyclists in London are arrogant pests and menaces, especially when they share thoroughfares with pedestrians, e.g. the Thames Path. In these areas, they race along with no regard for pedestrians.
Then you have the cycle lanes along the Embankment in London. This is segregated from the road but is wide enough for emergency vehicles to use. The effect is that the section of the Embankment used by normal vehicles is only one lane in each direction, causing even more traffic jams.
The problem with London now is that it has too many cyclists and not enough lorries turning left.
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The last paragraph is meant to say:
The problem with London now is that it has too many cycle lanes and not enough lorries turning left.
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The original works just as well.
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Hear hear to that HBC. I nearly go wiped out by a bearded Chris Boardman type on the Embankment. Even as a local, I was unaware the cycle lane is, counterintuitively, two way and was only expecting bikes from one direction.
Sadly, Suck Dick’s pollution scheme will reduce the number of lorries in town.
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The problem with Londinstan is that it’s full of cunts of many varieties.
I’m no where near the place praise be, but I’m going to carry on riding my bike just to piss other cunts off like they piss me off with their inconsiderate behaviour in other ways. Too many to list here.
Sadly this country is full of cunts and is finished. So I’ve decided now my elected representatives no longer understand or support democracy I don’t feel why I should either.
In the best tradition of Mr DF.
Get to Fuck.
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Hello,
You will find that many cyclists like myself, and my wife, own a car like you, so we pay all the same taxes as you do towards road upkeep.
When using our cycles we are obviously not contributing to air pollution and crewte less wear and tear on the road system so possibly a reason for car/cycle owners to receive a rebate?
I do agree with those comments about cyclists in London and those pro cyclist wannabees.
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Lyra clad economy terrorist scum. They ignore red lights and all of the highway code then moan when they get run over.
Cunts
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Same here Cuntflap. I’m a cyclist and a biker, but I fucking hate both.
They’ve both been infested with car hating wankas.
Blinding epileptic lights on push bikes and fony policemen on motorbikes.
The safest way to ride on 2 wheels (motorised or not) is to get the fuck out of and stay out of, the way.
Anyone remember the computer game Road Rash?
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Ah, the simple joy of the Sega Megadrive…
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My bicycle has an engine which allows me to travel at normal speeds therefore not forcing other vehicles users to overtake. Oh and it allows me to wear leather trousers without being labelled as a poof 8)
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Here in SE Asia cyclists are treated with the utter contempt they deserve. No self respecting car or truck driver gives a flying f%$k if they send a two wheeler piss bowling down the road. The same goes for motor cyclists even though there are more of them than anyone else. Just about every day some twat with his Mrs and two kids aboard will try to overtake a truck and get too close because they didn’t see the truck coming the other way and get wobbly and they all fall off. Most times the truck doesn’t even stop and there is just a nasty stain on the road. Cops couldn’t give a shit either.
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It’s the fucking wretched MAMILS I particularly loath, who the fuck wants to see some sweaty middle aged + cunt in Lycra? Virtually nobody I would suggest Other than maybe kinky people ? Seriously these cunts go three abreast on their Sunday afternoon rides along the seafront road causing absolute carnage!!
Another thing that irritates me is how these liberty taking cunts are always moaning about motorists not paying enough attention to them? Many now have silly little cameras on their helmets to catch the big bad motorists who are often subjected to their absolute road cuntery and give them a well deserved volley out of the car window……..
Like motorists there’s good and bad cyclists but listening to them you would never know it!! ……..
The fuckers should be made to pass a cycling test before being inflicted on other road users!!
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Some bloke on a bike cycling to work?
Not generally a problem.
It’s the expensive racing bike rider with all the colourful gear on, wraparound shades and a camera on his helmet that posesses the massive sense of entitlement and huge chip on the shoulder, along with the total disregard for traffic laws and other road users.
Arrogant fuckers that invariably have a black Audi parked in the drive of their expensive house…
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Corrected for you, Mr Bastard.
“Arrogant fuckers that invariably have a black Audi parked in the drive of their ex-council, three bed semi…”
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Cyclists make me laugh. Every one of them has a silly grimace on their faces and this, mixed with the outrageous outfits cracks me up.
Due to this comedy value, I just can’t agree with the cunting.
Goodbye for now.
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Cyclists with no road sense are cunts, there should be a test as per cars and motorcycles, and the bikes should be classed the same in terms of safety MOT.
The Sunday cycle clubs who insist on riding like the tour de frogland peloton.
Cunts!
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As the weather warms and the nights shorten my neck of the woods is once again plagued by swarms of fucking cyclists of all shapes and sizes. Places in the village look like a fucking bike shop rows of expensive cycles chained to anything fixed to the ground; blocking pavements, access points and every other place I like to lurk in or on. Take the car out and spend 20 mins looking at a load of lyrca clad arses nearly all male unfortunately, who then gesticulate as I pass them because of the noise and fumes. Always a laugh when they stop behind me at level crossings or lights and they suddenly become aware of the noxious emissions pouring from the exhaust no catalytic bollocks on my car straight through with little silencing. Hurried repositioning and much flapping of hands as the deadly gases destroy the magnasphere and submerge the Maldives.
Basically what with all the holiday parks, caravan sites and fair weather visitors plus the legions of cyclists this is no place in the season for a screwed up old cunt like me.
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We are plagued by packs of lycra clad cunt cyclists seven days a week (do none of the cunts work?). Our area was discovered as a result of both Olympic and Prudential (CUNTS) cyle races, so the influx of these bastards keeps increasing; sadly, there are no known fatalities or life changing injuries to date. The silly bastard cunts think they are environmentally friendly. They ride 3 abreast and have long trails of cars and lorries crawling behind them producing more fumes than they would if their necessary journeys were not impeded. To see sweaty lycra clad backsides (latest trend is no underpants) pointing at you daily, enhances the horror of any local journey. Exercise bikes, velodromes or euthanasia are the only viable solution for these anti social, visually and environmentally polluting two wheeled cunts.
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The ‘ Peleton ‘ advert on the telly pops my fucking cork. Live streaming cycling for anorexic uber cunts.
I would happily incinerate the lot of them.
Still, if it keeps them off the roads.
Well done Peleton, you smashed it.
Wankers.
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Bloke in ordinary gear, cycling rather slowly to work – becomes aware of traffic buildup behind him, pulls over at first opportunity to let it past, continues on merry way. Not a cunt.
Lycra cunt, pedalling to fulfil personal target of 100Km daily on B roads in hope of attracting a mate with his display of fluorescent lycra and varicose legs, becomes aware of traffic buildup behind him, pulls even further away from the verge to discourage potential overtakers from entering his personal space. Is a cunt. Indeed, a CUNT.
Million candlepower flashing strobe light? Cunt.
Flashing red light on top of helmet? Looks like a tit but is in fact a cunt.
No lights at all in pitch darkness? Suicidal cunt.
No signals, or limp dying-swan wave? Cunt. (and why does the miracle of LED technology not lead inevitably to compulsory indicators? Cunts)
Inability to spot pothole due to engrossment in phone app or simply inattention, consequently bending self and expensive mount? Not a cunt. Hilarious entertainment for all other road users.
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Front LED headlight set to flash and angled to blind oncoming traffic, be they motorist, biker or fellow cyclist.
Road manners in general are becoming a thing of the past…
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Not exclusively road, just manners in general.
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Apologies Cunt Reviled, off topic.
Yvette Cooper in 2017: “The thing I feel more concerned about than any possible scenario… is the idea of becoming a country that no longer respects democratic values.
“‘I’m just not going to respect the result…’ that’s the kind of thing that Donald Trump says.”
https://twitter.com/Change_Britain/status/1115295445297901572
Oh, the irony. Or should that more correctly be lies?
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They teach the cunts how to do that with a straight face at Oxford.
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Nice one Willie. Cunts like Cooper will say ANYTHING to advance their cause these days.
‘The end justifies the means’ is the only code they operate by.
May & Catweasel down, principle and honesty are completely irrelevant to these cunts.
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My pet hate is cyclists. I read somewhere that the cunts no longer want to be known as cyclists. Any suggestions?.
Great cunting CR.
Although I do prefer pointless.
All bikes should cum with a 8 inch dildo built into the seat.
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Was that a “craft beer” shop, or merely a branch of Bargain Booze, Oddbins (&c), Cunt Reviled? This is important!
My comments on a recent nomination apply equally¹ here. You’ll be disappointed to hear I’ve had no further near-misses (nor indeed many previous ones after 45 years in the saddle), and the Series III driver is an extremely fortuitous little knob-jockey, as I’ve not seen him since.
I am seldom a vindictive cunt, and unlike yourself, CR, I steer clear of Schadenfreude as far as possible, but I do have the means to arrange extremely “unhappy endings”, and would have little compunction in Farmer Giles’ case.
Cuntflap’s comments about the contribution made by the Road Fund Licence passim are well-made and authentic. The funding of roads through “car tax”, or the VED (Vehicle Excise Duty), is the Revenue’s analogue of a Tesco Clubcard™. “Every Little Helps”, but most comes from general levy taxation.
Thresher’s or craft beer, CR?
¹Not quite equally, as Mystic Maven’s earlier nom was entitled “Bad Cyclists”, more condignly. Rather as with “Jazz”, this nom is diminished by mooting too wide an ambit.
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As has been stated before, it’s bad, inconsiderate cyclists that deserve the cunting, not the honest commuters nor the fat wheezy old boys (who me?) trying to keep the lard at bay. However, I fear we are all being tarred by the same brush by such a carpet-bombing nomination.
The mob violence gathering momentum (witness the feeding frenzy in this and previous posts) is truly frightening to behold, with echoes of white supremacist groups whipping themselves into a racist frenzy in America’s Deep South.
What next? Lycra-clad effigies being burnt outside Halfords? Fathers and Sons being dragged from their beds by angry mobs and lynched with inner tubes, or beaten to within an inch of their lives with a bike pump?
Calm down, you silly old cunts. GIve the cyclists a friendly ‘parp’ on the horn to let them know you are approaching; give them at least a car’s width as you pass; nod appreciatively at the sheer courage of a middle aged man who feels he has to put his danglers on public display in a pair of tights, and just look away or ‘close your shooting eye’ when you are dazzled by the million-lumen headlamps that we cyclists now favour.
Your reward will be a friendly wave and a cheerful greeting, and your heart will last a great deal longer.
Obviously, if the two-wheeled cunts take any liberties, crush them (remembering to pluck the winking Go-Pro camera from the tangled, bloody pulp, and disposing of it wisely).
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“What next? Lycra-clad effigies being burnt outside Halfords? Fathers and Sons being dragged from their beds by angry mobs and lynched with inner tubes, or beaten to within an inch of their lives with a bike pump?”
Of course not. InsideHalfords for maximum deterrent effect on any Audi /BMW/Merc owners thinking of buying a bicycle to underline their contempt for the laws of God, Man and the Road. And within an inch of their lives is nowhere near enough.
I have difficulty distinguishing a friendly parp from a ‘get out of the sodding way you braindead wiggoid, I’ve had to follow you for the last five miles, along with 75 others, congratulations, you’ve directly increased auto emissions in your wake by 5000% and if you don’t pull over and let us past that is about to be your final expression of your imaginary right to cunt about on this cunting road and fuck the consequences’ parp? And even if I could parp friendlily, 99% of lycra cunts would want to have an argument about it.
No surrender. Cunts.
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Come on K,
No-one can get that wound up unless they have some underlying ‘anger issues’. Sounds like yours are related to your horn; I am sure there are perfectly understandable reasons.
How about I pick you up on my tandem and we go for a nice relaxing pedal?
My mate in DEFRA has pinched some of their ‘calming womb music’ CDs and we can have a headphone each.
Yours Aye
Gunner ‘Froomey’ Sugden
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What a kind offer. But I can only accept if the headphones are vegan and gluten-free.
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No idea. I robbed them from the mangled corpse of a cycle courier, crushed under my wheels when he ignored a red light.
We’ll take a rain check on the bike ride for now; I’ve only got one saddle anyway!
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Enjoy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmTHk3sxSUA
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See – exactly what I was on about.
Not enough friendly “parping”!
(There are some fucking idiots out there, aren’t there?)
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Thanks for that, WS. Quite interesting, entertaining, and very salient to this debate, if watched closely.
A proper analysis of “Idiot Cyclists… Compilation” reveals an unintentional but almost Reithian lack of bias in the cyclist=cunt versus motorist=good-egg debate. Briefly, the following detail is supportive¹.
At 0:12, the cyclist thought he could legitimately “weave” through stationary traffic, the motorbike rider was aggressively overtaking at speed on the nearside. At 0:19, the cyclist was merging with an empty carriageway, the motorbike could (should?) have let him. Basically, this motorbike rider was literally looking for trouble.
The bellend in the Ferrari at 0:30-1:03 deserves all he gets, including having his lights punched out. Personally, I think wankers who drive noisy pieces of Italian excrement in built-up areas should be rounded up and publicly humiliated, with any costs of this lengthy process defrayed from the proceeds of selling their “sports cars” at international auction.
At 1:07, the white car should have gone dead slow, as the cyclist was fully in front. Instead, he sandwiched him with the parked car. 100% fault to the white car driver. At least he stopped 1:29 to acknowledge this.
1:39 Made watching the video worthwhile. I expect the (dead) cyclist had been on the Russki Standart.
2:30 Another Ferrari. Nuff said.
3:44 The Dutch Gay Biker on Acid should learn anger management, although he did have a point. The cyclist had not posed a real threat to the pedestrian, who did not himself remonstrate. Presumably the biker failed his entrance exams for the Police Service.
4:13 ditto the above Dutchman, but now in the US, and even less justification. Not exactly a close shave, though the cyclist was a bit quick.
5:00 Caveat motorbikor. What did he expect the cyclist to do, a fucking Foxtrot? Weak as fuck, but she didn’t signal, I suppose.
5:12 No mirrors by black van, and shouldn’t have merged. 80% fault motorist, but caveat cyclor: bit risky.
5.51-8:20 (end) Although the motorist has a good point, he clearly also has a few chips on his shoulder. Being a local from West Morin (sic, ?) he clearly resents these San Francisco types hogging his backyard. They were however doing 20mph, close to the limit on that road, so not too bad. Perhaps this sanctimonious motorist should acquire a powerful tear gas projector from his local hardware store, instead of making hand-wringing videos?
Hey ho, and getting near my 20 minutes limit on IsAC for the day. As said, Lord Reith would be proud of the lack of bias, though the compiler should be embarrassed.
¹ Interestingly, half of the motorists in this vid were cyclists themselves, albeit with a small piston engine driving the chain, and uprated disc brakes. Or should that be bicylists? Fucking Shermans, what’s not to love?
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The pollution every cyclist causes must far out weigh any apparent environmental gain when every fucking car has to slow down and the accelerate past the cunts. They really are an inconvenience we could all do without. Then you get the cunts that insist on riding two a breast, why are they surprised when their skulls get crushed under under my wagons tyres . Stupid cunts!
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My point precisely, but cyclists, environmentalists and green fuckwit politicians can’t understand this simple fact. Cyclists are environment wrecking cunts along with the substantial inconvenience their anti-social actions cause for others.
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Nailed it there, Cuntswhallop
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS5fQqnB24U
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What about the cunt cyclists who ride along with their hands in their pockets and/or use a phone texting.
Never a 5 ton truck when you need one!
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Many of these professional cyclists have a collection of cycle models. My mate went out on his pride and joy last week. He was involved in an accident and his Chopper was seriously damaged and had to be written off. He’s dreading taking his Head bike out.
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