Bad Cyclists

Bad cyclists deserve a nomination. Those who do the following :

Don’t wear helmet.
Don’t have lights at night, of if they do, some tiny flickering pale green thing at the front and nothing at the back.
Don’t stop at lights, junctions, zebra crossings.
Don’t signal.
Weave in and out of traffic without looking.
Cycle on pavement and expect you to make way for them. I recently told some tosser to fuck off when he told me to get out of the way (had no lights on either, twat).
Yack on mobile phone, or even worse texting.

I no longer look out for cyclists at night. If they don’t have lights and I knock them over, then fuck them. I’ll sue them for damage to the car.

Also a nomination for grown men who ride on those stupid tiny stunt bikes. Usually some twentysomething twat with a straggly beard, tattoos and a beanie, whizzing down the road whilst standing on the pedals at a crazy angle. Get a bigger bike you tossers !!

Nominated by Mystic Maven

53 thoughts on “Bad Cyclists

  1. Or all the wheelieing cunts dropping on and off the pavement annoying everyone pulling out right in front of my car. They can all hopefully be squashed by a bus/truck/muzzie taxi.
    Cunts one and all.

  2. What twat dresses in Lycra puts Vaseline up the arse and pisses motorists off especially on country roads on a Sunday mmmm yeah fucking cyclists Cunts

    • What twat dresses in lycra puts vaseline up the arse and fucks motorist off?
      You just perfectly described C anal Street in Manchester Harry.

  3. My girlfriend’s mate is a cyclists. He’s a nice enough chap but twat just oozes from him.

    He is well travelled, drives a fucking Audi TT and apparently lives in some magical liberal realm where all the colours, creeds and cultures get along and sing and dance in unison like some gay musical.

    The spaz does get knocked off his bike periodically, causing him injuries and hospital stays and although I don’t wish the cunt any great harm, it does cheer me up no end to hear about his latest accident. Hell, I even look forward to them.

  4. Sunday morning lycra clad cunts! Lots in my area. They think they own the road! Also red lights are for cyclists too…. As I often shout from my drivers window (which some choice words such wanker, cunt, twat, etc)

  5. I too no longer brake or deviate for these fucking idiots. I almost had one a while ago, the silly cunt decided it was a good idea to cycle straight off the pavement in front of me . He got away with it by a few inches.
    Had he not got away with it he would have been in a right mess, after being hit by several tons of vehicle and trailer.
    Get to fuck.
    Good cunting.
    Good morning.

  6. Having moved from London to the Highlands, urban cyclists are no longer an issue for me, although they are undoubtedly cunts. Instead, I see the (mostly harmless) Outdoor Knobber cyclist. They turn up in their VW Vans and SUVs which sprout all manner of racks and snorkels. From these vehicles they unload their spawn and mountain bikes costing several grand and proceed to cycle along the flat paths in my area. Harmless but still cunts.

  7. Not forgetting the utter cuntberries that ride up on your nearside when your nearside indicator is winking away clearly, confirming your intention to turn left at the oncoming junction.


  8. Working in one of those over cautious health and safety environments I think newsagents should be held responsible for their Paper boys,
    Make sure they have high vis vests and lights on their bikes, there was a little twat in my last town that used to bunny hop off the pavement between parked cars in the winter twilight.
    Fuck knows how I never hit him I tried hard enough.

  9. I quite like the ones that cycle on the path (illegally) near me…..I just set the fuckin dog on ’em.
    Gives him a good bit of exercise, and cleans his teeth, too……..

  10. Never worn a helmet. That noncy polystyrene, it’s going to accomplish the cube root of nothing against any moving vehicle. If you don’t possess the natural cover your noggin with hands instinct then oh well nature has done its job.

    • I thought the same about bicycle helmets and still do but…

      Once I fell orf me velocipede and quite stunned myself. Eventually remounted dripping blood and continued cycling having the wierdest hallucinations. Later inspected the helmet and it was crushed; had taken a big belt during my prang, yup it saved my brain.

      Though not without damage judging from my lame posts hereabouts.

      • Had to google that term. Radical. Those whacky victorians, crazy designs. You’d fly right over the top of any car, or siderail if you cut up a HGV.

        You could put some great clinker clink clink things on the spokes too.

  11. I thought this was going to be about Lance Armstrong. He was a bad cyclist. Very bad indeed.
    Kevin Keegan.
    He was another one. Went arse over tit on the telly.

    • Hee hee! Old Dulcia demi-wave Keegan on Superstars. I remember his little cycling calamity as I watched that as a kid in the mid 70’s.

      I seem to remember the front wheel and handlebars starting to wobble before he crash landed on the tarmac.

      At least he avoided serious injury by wearing his luxuriant, bouffant perm at the time. It had so much Ellnette holding it in place that his head bounced straight back off the road.

      • Yeah, he got right battered that day. That was real entertainment…….not like the GC deliberately falling on her tit bags.

  12. Hmm. This has turned into a cunting for all cyclists, not bad cyclists.

    As a driver, I see some bad cycling, esp those on those weird contraptions with the peddles on the back jumping off pavement’s right into your path. Cunts.

    But I also see good cyclists who, like me, are aware of the highway code and cycle defensively and with other traffic in mind, so give them space and quite likely they will acknowledge you in your rear view mirror with a wave.

    But the CUNTS who turn up with 5 grand of top spec mountain bike equipment on their SUV just to cycle along a towpath deserve to be thrown in the canal.
    Preferably along with the cumbersome SUV which they struggle to reverse, park, or drive. Buy a smaller car you cunts.

  13. Its a shame we now have to give these cunts a meter and a half to overtake, I used to give these cunts a half an inch flyby but now chances are they will film it and hand it in to the filth who will send you a fine.
    Whatever happened to natural selection-you get on a bike and don’t obey the rules of the road and your days are numbered, anyway half of these cunts deserve to go under a bus….

  14. By ‘bad’ cyclists, I assume you mean, Cyclists!
    I have yet to see a good one on our roads.
    It shows how bad they are, that when a decent one does eventually come along, they get fucking knighted.
    I jest not when I tell you that my fuck witted council have made a cycle Lane that is wider than the gap they have left for cars, and another which must be ten feet long in total.
    They spent millions, (seriously) on turning one pavement into a designated cycle Lane because of them and now the cyclists have gone back to riding on the road.
    Argumentative cunts.

    • They did the same here. Turned one lane of an already highly congested part of the Central Ring Road into a cycle path for the stoodents to use. In the 3 years, or whatever it is, since it was completed I have only ever seen 2 cyclists using it. It’s now just a wide pavement. At the end of the same road they filled in an incredibly useful subway system and put traffic lights on the same fucking ring road, so now every car/van/bus/lorry has to stop to let the same fucking stoodents cross the 6 lane road. This, of course, never adds to the congestion, according to the council cunts. Apparently it doesn’t add to pollution either because we all know that when a vehicle isn’t moving it doesn’t produce any, innit?

    • I live in Cardiff, student-cunt capital, full of LGBLTPDQ types, and endless bearded twats Deliverpooing all over the feckin pavements. I am currently pedestrian and public transport only, and these wankers really get on my tits. Always on the pavement, forever ignoring pedestrian lights and, the most recent thing, you look to cross the road, and…YES!!! there’s a two-wheeled douchebag whizzing the WRONG WAY up the road. Not to mention their total cuntery (doing about 30mph) in more or less pedestrianised centre of town, where no respect is shown for anybody – old, pregnant women, people pushing prams or in charge of toddlers

      Bastards, who are on my list for total extermination when I take over…

  15. Cyclists should have to pass a test to ride on the road….
    Car, truck, motorbike all require a license to prove they are capable of acting responsibility on the road.
    Fucking Cyclists, if they dont have a license for another vehicle they shouldn’t be allowed on the road

    • Why would having license for anything else make any difference. I have a licence for a car, but I know nothing about driving a bus and cycling is the only form of transport that seems to be able to go anywhere/do anything. Make the fuckers take a test at 16, have insurance, at least Public Liability, and some form of identifying the cunt who’s just scraped all the way down your nearside so he can get to the front of the queue before he goes onto the pavement and across the red light.

      • In ye olden days when I was a schoolboy there was a Cycle Proficiency Test course available at schools.
        Took mine on a Raleigh Chopper, which shows how long ago it was.
        Still have the little triangular badge somewhere…

        • I had one as well. I think the scheme was sponsored by the News of the World; you had to ride round some cones in a figure of eight, do a right turn, and let the instructor feel your willy.

  16. Off cycle lane briefly, but…

    The BBC has been getting it in the neck on LBC this morning, mainly over John Sergeant’s latest comments over BBC anti Brexit bias and their refusal to discuss the many downsides of immigration. Rod Liddle phoned in to say he didn’t know ANYONE at the BBC who voted Leave in the referendum.

    • Had to switch off at 2 minutes past 10 – O’Shithead on spectacular form, insulting the intelligence of anyone with an IQ of more than one peanut…

      • Morning RT. O’Shitface back in my life. Reading the Express site. That face. But I steeled myself to read it. An argument with a caller about that Seaborne fiasco. Can’t remember all the details but it goes without saying it got ‘heated’. And it suddenly occurred to me why. It’s O’Sface’s use of the word ‘liar’. He never says ‘I think you are mistaken’ there’ Or ‘I think you’ve got you’re facts wrong’. No, ‘you’re a liar’. And repeats it. No wonder he riles people up Anyway, the caller called him a Muppet’. He got that in. I’ve let my guard down. I’ve got to be more careful. Even second hand he still angers me.

        • Morning Miles. Lying is very important to O’Shithead. He uses it as a clever get out clause, refusing to debate with anyone who has a brain and doesn’t share his crooked world view, cos they must all be “liars and snake oil salesmen” by default.

          All prominent Brexiteers are beyond respectable debate… especially Nigel “Farige” and “‘doff cap’, Jacob Rees-Mogg”, who wiped the floor with him when he phoned in a few weeks ago.

          In case you missed it:

          O’Brien’s too thick to know the difference between fact and opinion, either that or he’s… gulp… a LIAR (usually by omission or sleight of hand, it has to be said).

    • As soon as the discussion turned to people who like to wear lycra and put vaseline up their arses it was inevitable that the Un-B.B.C. would be mentioned.

  17. About five months into the six-months’ all-singing, all-diverting clusterfuck that was the latest roadworks to afflict the nearby city, we learned that the two-lane road was being widened to make it safer for cyclists. At least one lane was closed for four months while some tentative scraping of the verge was sporadically attempted, but the job was eventually done. The road had indeed been widened. Enough to insert a diagonally-striped motorcycle lane in the centre. Very occasionally, cyclists have their uses. It’s now much safer for a biker to dodge past the 1/2 mile queue at the lights in the morning. And it remains the one road I can be reasonably certain of not seeing a pushbiker on. Not a bad result.

  18. Most of those infractions you describe connote stupidity rather than badness. I find those cyclists with fuck-off high-intensity high-frequency flash-flash 20+ watt LED headlamps way more spume-inducing than the fall guys of Darwinism without illumination.
    I was, however, EXTREMELY close to being knocked off my bike and badly smashed up only yesterday by Farmer Giles driving a bashed-up, smoky old Land Rover Series III towing a trailer full of shit. He outrageously- and unbelievably- just fucking turned right across me as I was riding to Asda on a main road in broad daylight and moderate traffic. I managed to only just control a skid, but it was a fucking near miss.
    An elderly lady pedestrian who witnessed the brief incident was weirdly apologetic that she had been unable to get his registration number, but said she thought she knew who it might be.
    I’m a bad cyclist, as I wasn’t wearing a helmet, but if I come across that cunt again I may morph into an apoplectically angry and dangerous person liable to inflict bad injury. I’m still undecided whether to pursue it, as the old lady kindly gave me her details and thought it was badly out of order (Farmer Giles, obviously, failed to stop).
    I agree about the chavvy, beardy wankers on undersized bikes, however. Mr Series III can do his worst with those cunts.

    • Not much point trying to get justice when a farmer is involved I’m afraid C. S.
      Laws of the road don’t apply to them.
      Tax, fuel duty, license, mot.
      It’s usually a big eared forteen year old driving the tractor past my house when he should be in school.
      And if your rural, you can guarantee that he’s a drinking buddy of the local bobby.
      Didn’t a pissed up one kill a poor fucker the other year, but was let off because he was technically on private property?

      • I wasn’t going to embroil the local feds, CMC; a more “traditional” and less bureaucratic retribution was more in my thinking. Certainly, if I see him again I’ll get his registration mark and use my own contacts in “government service” to do some surreptitious “homework”.
        It really was bang out of order and a close fucker.

  19. Just got back in, having witnessed two cyclecunts go screaming through a busy junction (red light on, me crossing on green man) within 30 secs. My abuse lost on the wind.
    I long for the day when I witness one of these cunts go skidding headlong into a fucking great black bin. I’ll be the bin’s witness.
    A 101% nailed on cunting MM. BAD cyclists are a fucking social disease.

  20. As one of the larger, slower, lycra-clad lumps that happily bimbles around the country roads and quiet lanes in these here parts, I do feel obliged to make at least a token defence of my fellow cyclerists, the majority of whom are sensible and considerate road users (unlike the swarms of hi-vis wankers that flit in and out of the traffic in London and other urban areas)

    On my own travels (at an impressive average speed of 15mph, no less) I have seen many examples of impatient bell-end car drivers rushing to get past and harassing or bullying cyclists. They are ignorant cunts.

    With my other hat on, as the driver of a large old 4×4, it is the cyclist ‘freedom fighters’ that grip my shit. These are the weasels – normally skinny little cunts that work in IT or some other gaylord industry – that set out with the sole intent of filming a motorist being nasty to them. The resulting footage is then posted on YouTube and the freedom fighter claims another kill.

    I had the misfortune to come into contact – quite literally – with one of these simpering faggots quite recently, when he misjudged his getaway from the lights and basically fell under the front of my Range Rover.

    Lucky for him, I wasn’t on the phone or unwrapping my 12″ Steak and Cheese Subway. I managed to stop in time and matey boy somehow managed to hurl himself, still clipped into his pedals, onto the pavement. I don’t think I actually touched him at all, but more by luck than any judgement or skill on my part.

    The little cunt then pops up and starts screaming and hollering about me ‘cutting him up’ and ‘driving like a cunt’. He points to the winky-eyed camera strapped to his head and says “I am filming! I am filming! You’re going on You tube!”

    Call me old-fashioned, but if this so-called threat has replaced the more traditional “Do you want a smack in the mouth?” then it is no wonder the country is going to the dogs.

    And no, I am not the Duke of Edinburgh.

    I blew the cunt a kiss and drove off. As far as I know, I haven’t yet appeared on You tube, but I keep searching for “4 x 4 driver crushes hero cyclist then drives off, laughing”.

    • Your mordant comments are 100% on the money, GS. I admire your restraint for not relieving the nancy-boy of his Go-Pro™, removing the SD card and shoving the memory-bereft appliance into his whinging mouth.
      I cycle to the shops (etc) when it’s as easy (or quicker) than driving, and it also keeps me from mutating into a total lard bucket. No Lycra, just trousers tucked into socks for me.
      I do agree that in London cycling has got a bit out of control, but I don’t live there and I honestly don’t care. Blame fucking Boris, whatever.
      Excellent comment, GS!

  21. In 2002, on a wet and very dark night, I hit an unlit cyclist who crossed at speed in front of me from the footpath directly into my path. His injuries were life changing. I was not at fault and was never charged. I won’t dwell on the detail. In all those years since, I have suffered endless torment and recurrent dreams. If ! If only. If.

  22. Superb cunting. I loathe cunt cyclists with a dedication akin to a Special Forces operative. As someone rightly stated somewhere on ISAC “anyone over the age of 16, still riding a bicycle is a cunt”. They’re nothing but a gold flecked pain in the arse. Riding in a wide column like something out of a Medieval French Cavalry charge, generally pissing everyone off with their arrogant behaviour, and stopping off at some garden centre in the middle of nowhere, to chomp giant chunks of carrot cake and talk about their “power meetings” and “latest carbon fibre” tech or some other vacuous shit.

    Motorbike riders I don’t have a problem with. All the ones I’ve seen have been decent riders who don’t piss about. If I see one in the mirror, I nearly always move over and let them pass. Always get a quick thanks before they’re away and gone.

    These so called professional lycra condom wearers (when they’re not pissing motorists off on the road) usually own the standard issue twat-panzer BMW or Audi. Middle management toss pieces who think they’re chairman of the fucking board. Night cyclists are bad enough with no lights, no high-vis jackets, no thought or common sense and an over-inflated “I’m beyond the law and if you hit me, I’ll sue you” mindset. A million candlepower lamp and a .22/250 Remington would be handy tools for such pricks. Bastards one and all. It can be assumed that I don’t care for cyclists much.

    • A motorcyclist thanks you warmly. Most of us value staying alive too much to piss about. Young mad cunts excepted, but that problem tends to be self-limiting. And biker school training is good.

      What baffles me (present company excepted) are the pushbikers who own and drive cars, but when in pedalling mode apparently forget the Highway Code completely.

      Generally speaking I loathe pushbikers (PCE) with a passion, but I’d loathe them less if they were compelled to fit indicators, legal lights and mirrors, trained in safe riding, paid a notional vehicle tax and were compulsorily insured. And were arrested and shot if found smugly claiming that their hi-tech, carbon-fibre and platinum mount assists CO2 reduction as the fuming two-mile tailback of cars (not m/c’s, obvs) behind them traverses a twisty B road at 10 mph until the cunt turns off. Or is turned off.

      • Good afternoon, K. I am thinking of getting a motorbike myself, after yesterday afternoon’s close shave. I had an old but mint Honda 90 long ago, but wouldn’t know where to start looking.
        If I find the identity of the Series 3 driver, I shall re-acquaint him with the Green Cross Code by shoving Tufty up his arse. As an apéritif.
        My car is a bit of a banger, and I don’t use it much anyway. I’m certainly not going to stop riding my bike (sorry about that), but I might get a helmet.
        Something small, so not a motorbike really, but a “scooter”. Any suggestions?

        • Honda CG125 (bike not scooter) will seem like proper transport after a H90. Good reliable commuter wheels for the not-so-adventurous. Don’t touch the Korean and Chinese knockoffs. CBF125 replaced this in 2009, I think. Can’t advise on scooters – never owned one.

          • Trying again…
            Thanks for that rapier riposte, K. I’m serious, btw. My car is an XC90 is a T6, I bought it tax-free abroad some years ago. Not only is it a left-hooker, does 16-20mpg and cost a LOT to tax and insure, it’s actually a bit embarrassing now it’s older. A very nice sound system though.
            I just don’t use it much, and use the old (but well-maintained) Raleigh Road Ace far more. Continued ownership of a car is a a bit nuts, really; I should just hire when needed. Maybe something a bit bigger than a 125 now I’m a fat cunt. I won’t touch Chinese- I lived there, and know more than most. Honda a good place to start looking?
            Tnx again!

  23. Thanks for that rapier riposte, K. I’m serious, btw. My car is an XC90 is a T6, I bought it tax-free abroad some years ago. Not only is it a left-hooker, does 16-20mpg and cost a LOT to tax and insure, it’s actually a bit embarrassing now it’s older. A very nice sound system though.
    I just don’t use it much, and use the old (but well-maintained) Raleigh Road Ace far more. Continued ownership of a car is a a bit nuts, really; I should just hire when needed. Maybe something a bit bigger than a 125 now I’m a fat cunt. I won’t touch Chinese- I lived there, and know more than most. Honda a good place to start looking?
    Tnx again!

  24. Cyclists are arrogant menaces and cunts. The problem with London now is that it has too many cycle lanes (and those waiting boxes for cyclists at traffic lights) and not enough lorries turning left.

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