TV Licencing

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TV Licencing is a Cunt.

As regular contributors will know, I don’t have a TV. And a couple of nights in a hotel has just affirmed that they are not worth the electricity. Nor do I view any form of TV on my “devices”.

I’m now receiving threats of prosecution from TV Licencing. I have no statutory obligation to declare the absence of a TV and don’t want to give my details to this particular nosey parker. Any advice, fellow cunters?

Nominated by Sgt Maj Cunt

44 thoughts on “TV Licencing”

  1. I’m pretty sure that they have the power to come and inspect your house (basically harrass you) and the fee covers all devices (including Radios).
    Good luck Sir, you have more balls than me. I just pay the sodding tax to get left alone.

    • DO they fuck.
      Thay can only get ito your gaff with a court order signed by a Judge (not a copy).
      Tell ’em to fuck orff.

      • Fair play, they need a Warrant, but what court will withold one of those from ze-bbc?

      • Most, actually, because they’ve got to provide actual evidence, or reasonable cause, not just “we think he MAY have a TV and MAY be watching it”.

    • I have no telly, it messes with m’ head. I told the tv licency bastards down the telephone. It was easy. The lass said she might send someone round to check. I’m out most of the time, no one has ever been, and I don’t have threatening letters any more. xxx

      • Without predujice or commitment, you can allegedly try the following.

        No warrant then you don’t have to let them in. All you need to say is they do not have implied rights of access to the property. You can ask politely for them to vacate your property, I.e get off my land!

        They cannot try and look in Windows to check for TV receiving equipment.

        You don’t need to give your name or answer any questions they pose.

        Have your mobile phone ready and film all the encounter, clearly stating you are filming it for your own protection.

        If you do engage with the goon, I usually find a comment re asking them about how they feel working for a bunch of nonces that harboured and supported known paedos usual gets them on the back foot. Now then, now then…

        No licence required for radio. Not sure about PC or IPads but I don’t watch or ever signed up to their iplayer shite.

        Best plan is to get rid of the idiot lantern there’s only shite on it anyhow. To coin a phrase from the eighties kids show, turn of the TV and go do something less boring instead.

        Try YouTube for further advice, there is various footage there of people standing up to the cunts.

        Good luck

  5. Have a strange, independent rather difficult friend who does not have a tv, computer, laptop, mobile phone or any sort of gaming paraphernalia. Lives alone. Goes to Thailand once a year for several weeks to clear his tubes.

    Has been pestered by the TV licensing people for many years and has received many letters/demands/threats including fines and court action.

    They cunts cannot believe that anyone does not possess a TV set.

    Many times they have called at his house and requested entry to his house, but so far he he has stood his ground and not given them access. As far as I know they need a court order to be allowed entry if refused by the owner.

    His father died several years ago and left him amongst other things an old TV set, which he has never even switched on.

    As I think thevTV licensing people cannot prosecute just for having a TV set, even if they gain access how can they prove he has been using it?

    • They can’t unless they actually see you watching it.
      Owning a TV does not require a licence any more, nor does watching one. As long as you’re not watching a live broadcast (i.e. as it goes out over the air) tell the wankrags to cunt off.
      Then set the fuckin’ dog on ’em.
      Worked for me……

      • This sounds right. You can watch videos / DVDs on a tv if you like, they can’t do anything because you’re not receiving a live broadcast.

      • “Goes to Thailand once a year for several weeks to clear his tubes”

        You mean he goes for cheap thai prostitutes? sure the whores are cheap but i find sex tourism like that is probably expensive in the long run. Not to mention awkward, dangerous and if you got any morality soul breaking seeing all those young girls sold and abused like a piece of meat I dunno

      • Not my cup of tea either TitSlapper.

        I find it all rather sad and rather seedy. Especially when he likes to tell me about what these poor girls have to do to him. Does not even know their names most if the time, but rather suspect that is the last thing on his mind.

        But as my extremely successful brother in law tells me, two happy parties involved in the transaction. Everyone’s happy.

        Including flights, hotels, food, internal transport and “extras” he tells me it costs less than £2k for 6 weeks.

        Remember a Marine reinsurance Lloyds broker (sadly no longer with us) I knew quite well when working in London. Married with children, very much overweight, a drinker and heavy smoker. Once an excellent sportsman. Used to regularly travel to Vietnam. Told he he always used to go to the “No Hands” restaurant. When I perhaps naively asked him why the name, he informed me that you would go into the restaurant, order and eat your meal in the usual way, however a woman would fellate you under the table. Suspect you paid extra for this.

        In future whenever I was having a bad day used to think of the poor girl under the table noshing away.

        Many brokers used to think that being abroad on business gave them a free ticket to access the delights often paid for by the client.

        As one of my former bosses cynically used to say, we all pay for it one way or another, even when married.

      • More likely coffee enemas.

        I prefer mine with demerara sugar and Morton’s OVD, down the throat. Unless Gillian McKeith is around to gently insert the nozzle…

      • He was a great chap. Larger than life. Honest as the days long and called a spade a spade.

        Reckon his wife probably knew what he was up to when he was away.

        Had a great turn out at his funeral.

      • I was actually referring to your “rather difficult friend”, not his father… or has your friend bought it since you posted at 12.55pm? If so you have my deepest sympathy.

      • Apologies Mr Creampuff

        In my excitement did not notice the time that you posted.

        Certainly a very untimely death and extremely quick funeral if pegging it at 12.55 and the funeral all over and done by 15.46

        My friend who visits Thailand is still with us, my fried who visited Vietnam sadly not.

      • Thanks for clearing that up Willie, we live in confusing times.

        May your rather difficult friend continue to clear his tubes in Thailand for many years to come.

  6. I cancelled my licence a month or so ago. I’ve had one threatening letter telling me that they’re going to send a debt collection company after me, which is a bit silly considering that I was forced to pay double for the last 4 months so still have 4 months left. The fucking lies that these cunts spout to bully people into paying in unbelievable.
    I’ve seen a few videos of these inspector cunts on YouTube. The worst tactic they have is when they tell someone “I’m placing you under caution. You have the right to be silent but anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law”.
    This to me is impersonating a police officer WHICH IS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE. They imply to the more vulnerable in society that they have some powers of arrest over you and are issuing a police caution. Naturally the elderly and more gullible shit themselves and cough up.
    That was the final straw for me hence the cancellation.
    As far as I can tell they have no powers.
    Even if they do they can still get fucked. They’ll never get another penny out of me.
    Corrupt, cheating, lying, bullying, theiving, fake news speading cunts.

  8. Firstly, under the Criminal Procedures on Investigations Act, submit a Defence Statement, headed with those words, stating that you have no apparatus capable of receiving any form of television. Then ask them for copy of the evidence and a schedule of “unused material” that either assists your defence case or undermines the prosecution case.

    You should also state that you want this in good time and an ambush prosecution tactic of presenting the material on the day of the prosecution is not acceptable in law.

    They will probably drop the case at this point. The technicalities of the law will confuse the fuck out of them.

    • …..and whatever happens, if they knock on the door, try to record on a camera everything they do or say.

      DO NOT USE A MOBILE PHONE THAT CAN RE EIVE THE INTERNET AS THIS MAY BE CONSTRUED AS A DEVICE CAPABLE OF RECEIVING TV SIGNALS.

      • Never thought of that – don’t have such a phone. But I guess the next step will be them interrogating your web phone to see if you’ve been watching anything live, if they’re not doing it already.

  9. I suggest a good well aimed kick in the bollocks , always seems to do the trick

    • Always seems to work for me too, in most situations…..apart from when I booted my fat sweating cunt of a manager in the nads when I was 18. He had a sense of humour failure for some reason, and informed me that my services were no longer required……..from a safe distance.

  10. At least ask them what they propose to prosecute you for if you haven’t already done so. Then follow Cunting Time’s good advice above. Did you decline to let the cunts in for a look, perhaps? Don’t think you can be prosecuted for that unless they had a court order. I can’t imagine any basis for prosecution unless they found a TV on your premises after you had declared you hadn’t one. Another possibility might be that a previous resident of your property had been a bad lad, and they were unaware of the change of ownership/tenancy.

    From previous experience, reminding them that you do not expect to be harassed for not owning a still, a private aircraft, an export business or a pub so what the fuck is their problem about nonexistent TV’s…doesn’t work.

    I can’t think of an official intrusion better calculated to boil my piss than the TVLA’s assumption that I am (a) someone who watches television and (b) a liar. My sympathy is yours.

    • Says it all really, as the licence fee is now managed by Capita, one of the cunt companies that Govt use to deny disabled folk their benefits. Parasitic cunts.

  11. Another brief return from the grave, Sgt Maj, in the hope this may be informative. Look for “Mr H’s Hot Pot” on YouTube. He’s a bit dry and serious, but his excellent advice comes out of years of experience. It’s the best and most sensible I’ve found.

    Mr H has numerous uploads on this subject. He is the Fred Dibnah of such scholarship, though he’s from Wigan not Bolton. Have a look:

    https://youtu.be/Ly3y_QFgqHY

    https://youtu.be/34KPXn7T7bg

    https://youtu.be/GsSvjnhTriY

    • Thanks CS. The reference to Fred Dibnah made me chuckle. One of my heroes. Didn’t have ‘ealth and safety when ‘e were a lad.

  12. Fuck this tv licence thing is more orwellian then I previously thought I had no idea these burnt bully cunts actually threaten and harass you over this. Tv licence isn’t even a thing in canada proud of my brit heritage but i thank fuck i don’t have to put up with that. Didn’t know you brits had it this bad, I feel for you cunters

    And now they apparently want to introduce a wanking licence for porn to verify your age?! jesus christ the current state of modern day britain

  14. Put a sign outside you house saying “No TV here so fuck off you robbing, useless cunts” or words to that effect. It would address a number of different annoying cunts looking to enter your property.

  15. Do any other Western and or so called ‘civilised’ countries have a TV Licence?

    As far as I can see, it’s a ransom tax to pay to have AMORAL FILTH AND PROPAGANDA beamed into your home without your consent, simply for possessing the physical means for it to happen. That to me approximates totalitarianism.

  16. Evening Sgt Maj. A Television Licence is required under section 363 of the Communications Act 2003 for the installation or use of a television receiver. Television receiver includes mobile phones, laptops and any other device capable of receiving television broadcasts. “use” is further defined by Statutory Instrument.

    It is NOT an offence to own and use a television set provided that you do not view television broadcasts (from any source, not just BBC) as they are broadcast (live viewing) or record broadcasts as they are broadcast (live recording) or use the BBC iplayer shite on the internet. These exemptions are provided for in Statutory Instruments as mentioned above.

    Licencing Authority officers cannot enter your home without a search warrant issued by a magistrate (Sheriff in Scotland). The warrant is to search not to arrest. The warrant must describe the address accurately and be not more than one month old (since date of issue). If they have a warrant do not obstruct them. They can be accompanied by the old bill.

    They cannot threaten to prosecute. They can notify you of an intention to prosecute. What you describe is harassment, a criminal offence and civil action under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. Get down your local nick and lodge a criminal complaint. The old bill will try to fob you off with bullshit about civil action, nothing to do with them. Lazy, idle cunts. Insist on making the report. tell them you are in fear for your safety. Take some chopped onion wrapped in a hankie to produce tears as you relate your terror of Capita’s hit men. I did this (less tears) a couple of years ago when I was receiving the treatment for not having a telly. Made the police report, got a crime number and emailed it to the fuckers at TV Licensing. Never heard from them again. Caveat – I am not a lawyer or legally trained in UK law.

    If I called you a cunt captain would that be a disciplinary offence, Sir?
    Yes it would Sgt Maj. A serious one. Conduct to the prejudice of discipline and good order.
    But if I was to think you were a cunt, would that be an offence Sir?
    Well, no Sgt Maj. You are entitled to think whatever you like.
    Captain, I think you are a cunt.

  17. All good stuff guys. Many thanks. I’ll keep you posted on how I get on. Genuinely not owning a TV, I need a hobby. Capita baiting might become my new pastime.

  18. Seems very backward idea to still have licence fees. In my country we tossed that decades ago. If the fucking tossers cant make a living of broadcasting then they should be like any other business and go tits up! Why should you be forced to pay for the Woke Virtue Signalling Snowfalkes to indoctrinate you?
    Didn’t realise the UK wasn’t a democracy, comes as bit of a shock because because our laws are based on yours, come to think of it maybe we are only in name as well?

  19. Tell them to fuck off Maj, prove it or fuck off, even if you did have a telly I think the cunts that put on 20 minuets of ads in a one hour slot should be charged for the licences.
    I have taken to watching everything 15 mins late now just so I can skip the fucking ads, still at least summer is coming so I can have the pleasure of using my BBQ to smoke out my noisy diy drilling at all hours neighbours as punishment for being inconsiderate cunts all winter…..

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