Jancis Robinson

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Jancis Robinson

Who? Jancis who is a wine “expert” and makes a good living out of publicizing plonk – and herself – in books, videos, presentations, sites and a column in the Financial Times. She was awarded the OBE in 2003 and claims to advise Her Maj on the kind of hooch to stock the royal cellar with. I read her FT column for a laugh and the ludicrous attempts to describe how the stuff tastes – the usual clichés about a cheery red with a hint of walnut, tobacco and exquisite blackcurrant, a silky yet powerful white with a lush vanilla aftertaste and smoky fine spicy tannin etc. Like all these wine experts, she only takes a sip, spits it out then starts on another, sometimes sampling over a dozen wines in the same sitting. How anyone could have any taste buds left after this is a mystery to me but I am not a Master of Wine as Jancis is.

Rather than go on about her, I will let you sample Jancis´s style and give you an insight into her world. Apparently poor old Jancis suffers from “guest stress syndrome” and was very nervous indeed about how to impress fussy guests at a dinner party last year. This is how she solved the “problem”.

“We all took our glasses to the table for a salad of fresh mozzarella, tiny heritage tomatoes and a few shavings of black truffle to double up on our pre-poured glasses of Coche-Dury’s Meursault Rougeots 2009. My plan had been to serve a California Chardonnay from the cool Sonoma Coast, DuMOL’s Isobel Chardonnay 2013, made, incidentally, by a Scottish winemaker. Full-bodied whites served too cold are often wasted, tasting merely wet rather than expressing any nuance. When I tasted it before our friends arrived, I was a bit worried (guest stress syndrome again). I was concerned the California wine would be dismissed as too blowsy and obvious because it seemed so much richer than the Coche. So I decanted the Coche, as I do often with white burgundies, in order to expose them to lots of air that would loosen them up. I splashed it into a generous magnum decanter and put it in our wine store, which is kept at a regular 13C, rather than in the fridge. Full-bodied whites served too cold are often wasted, tasting merely wet rather than expressing any nuance.I was delighted to find that by the time the two Chardonnays were served side by side, the Coche had opened out and the DuMOL had tightened up, so they really were quite a respectable match for each other. California honour was saved.”

Well thank goodness that worked out Jancis! No wonder you look so smug in the column photo.

Nominated by Mr Polly

88 thoughts on “Jancis Robinson”

  1. She sounds like fun. I bet the talk around her dinner table is absolutely fascinating. Can I kick her in the fanny please?

  3. A worthy cunting Mr. Polly – the pretentious bullshit she spouts is what Radio 4 listeners aspire to these days – all those weekend *foodie* programmes, served up as a treat from the week of wimmins angst served up by Squadron Leader Jenni Murray once she has retired to the Wimmins Hour locker room and removed her jockstrap, and daft old men and women can stop worrying for a moment about this weeks “cliffhanger” in The Archers. There is always the Food Programme to listen to while old wimmin of both sexes weep on air on Any Answers about those cruel Brexiteers, and of course those same old men and wimmin can loosen their corsets and have a good laugh at the fun of The Now Show. But there is always The Food Programme (52 weeks each year without a break) and The Kitchen Cabinet, the most crass game show in broadcasting.

    Jancis, before she lost whatever looks she had used to do shedloads of BBC2 wine shows, and on Channel 4 too, before they got obsessed with naked dating and gruesome obese chavs.

    There is so much jutter fucking tripe talked about wine.

    • Not only, but also…

      Did you ever have the misfortune to suffer the gimlet-eyed Jilly Goolden (BBC Food & Drink programme IIRC).

      Excellent cunting, quite frankly, I want a wine that tastes of wine. Not sheeps’ testicles, old mackintoshes or earwax.

      On the other hand, HBH suggests avoiding oaked white wines that smell like the back of a victorian wardrobe.

      Excellent cunting, Mr Polly, and I’m surprised one or other of these pretentious cunts hasn’t been called out before…

      • Another excellent job, Mr P.
        HBH is right about Goolden, another cunt who was always going on about ‘getting hints of wild strawberry and old sock’. This is just the same pile of pretentious wank.
        Connoisseur cunters of food and wine bores might also like to check out ‘restaurant critic’ (London, of course) Giles Coren, who writes a smug column for The Times each Saturday. He’s another complete cock.

      • And yet another offspring of a famous father (Alan), who like Kinnock junior and Benn junior are only where they are because of their name, and fuck all to do with talent, which in all three cases is minimal.

      • I wonder if the old slapper gave effusive descriptions like these whilst swilling a bolts of spunk around her gob

  4. I know what the conversation around her dinner table is……a load of snobby remoaner bollocks , whining about how much her house is worth, how school fees are going through the bally roof and thank the lord we’ve found a darling little Lithuanian man to do the garden, cash in hand, very reasonable. She never talks about wine at the table, so boring darling, how are Henry and Jemima getting on at that darling little prep school I found you, excellent Ofsted report don’t you know. I used to read this posh scrubber’s column in the Evening Standard years ago (I was paying for it so I read every fucking word of it) so I know what a cow she is. They didn’t have “box sets” in those days but that’s another thing these posh fuckers never shut up about. “Box sets”, “binge watching”, libtard and remoaner bollocks is their life.
    Fuck this slapper and fuck every cunt of her type to hell! Fuck them, the slimy parasitic useless fucking cunts.

      • As David Miliband, the vaseline-arsed little creep and disciple of Blair is back in London today to march in the “people’s referendum fuckwittery” I suggest Jancis invites him over to dinner this evening, so the two pretentious little princesses can discuss matters of state over the Chablis (if that isn’t too common)

    • The only people that like pretentious cunts like her are other pretentious cunts …..
      avoid like the plague

      The Waitrose set are marching in London again today…..
      CUNTS!!!

      • That most sage of street philosophers, Rab C. Nesbitt, would undoubtedly have referred to the cunts on today’s march as the type “who can get four big helpings oot of a Marks & Spencer Ocean Pie”.

      • Thanks for putting this on Mr Stroker, something else we’ve had taken from us. Because they know what’s best for us.

  5. The only wine that I drink is Bull’s Blood. The only people who drink white wine or rosé are women or Gays. When I host one of my select dinner-parties I always offer a white wine,if any man accepts,I immediately set the hounds on him and disinfect anything that he may have touched, you can’t be too careful where The Gays are concerned . I also serve a red,if any woman accepts,she is probably actually a Tranny,and so I set the hounds on “her” and disinfect anything that “she” may have touched,you can’t be too careful where The Trannies are concerned.
    I don’t offer Dark Keys a choice of wine,because the hounds and I would never let one over the thresh.We have removed the ivy that used to climb up one of the walls for fear that one of them attempted to shimmy his way up and steal my antiquities which he would then sell to use for drug-money or Kentucky Fried Chicken.

    Wine is for pretentious gobshites like the old tart in the nomination,or chavvy Wankers who think that the height of sophistication is a bottle of Prosecco with their frozen Lean-Cuisine meal while slumped in front of their 52 inch Brighthouse telly watching the “footy”….speaking of which, I see our multi-coloured collection of halfwits won last night,,,can’t wait for the Ingeeland flags to be draped out of windows and hear “It’s coming home” blasting out….I fucking well hope “it” doesn’t.

    Fuck Off.

    • PS. When Mrs May triumphantly delivers Brexit, I hope that we ban all French, Spanish and Italian wines….that’ll teach Johnny Foreigner.

      • Lovely job, Mr F, but I doubt your suggestion re. banning wines will do the trick. I think history has taught us that the only thing that teaches Johnny Foreigner anything is a damned good thrashing, what?.

    • Bull’s Blood is fucking fantastic. First had it age 9, as Da used to buy it from local Unwin’s; it was cheap. Could be a bit dodgy back in early 70s, as Hungary was still subject to Soviet Union “business plans.” Barack (Hungarian apricot schnapps) is excellent, too. If you were ever to tire of drinking it, it could probably be used as some sort of horse liniment or sheep dip.
      Do you ever get Burbush’s pork pies ? Am thinking of getting one through the post.

      In my admittedly limited experience, da wimmin dat drink red can be absolute animals, and a pleasure to be between their thighs.

      • Burbush of Penrith, HBH ? I’ve never had one of their pies,but occasionally go that way. I’ll have to stop and get one some time.
        A good pork-pie is unbeatable. I like cold-water pastry, plenty of jelly and proper chunks of meat,none of that pink shitty slop. Plenty of mustard and a few pickled onions,lovely stuff.

      • Yes, am sure it’s Penrith.
        Have to admit that cold-water pastry pies were sorely missed when I was abroad. A good one is something to be treasured – and eaten voraciously, naturally. I even found I could forego fish & chips, but the pies…

    • Fuck me Dick. Catering at our joint nuptials is going to be a minefield. Have you and Krav decided who is going to wear the dress yet?

      Fanny is still refusing to tell me the whereabouts of the Reichsbank gold ‘liberated’ by Great Uncle Kiddie in 1945. I am starting to think the Fiddlers may not be the aristocractic descendants of Northumbrian kings as I was led to believe.

      • I’m afraid that I’ve had to withdraw Krav’s invitation. I read a post in which he claimed to be some kind of martial-arts expert. I have no intention of letting a morbidly obese,gimp-suit wearing, heavily-intoxicated Mr Miyagi-Finkelstein type body- slam me to to the ground while squeezing my “pressure-points”, all the while screaming “God Save the Queens”.

        I’d be happy enough to take the risk,but the hounds are awful bigots and I’m afraid that ,for various reasons, Krav would not be allowed on the property.

      • Afternoon Dick, Mike.

        Mr & Mr Tom Daley will be devastated! Not to mention Mince Pie Guy and Bent Dennis.

        Btw, I think my invitation must have got lost in the post. Could you send another?

        Regards to the blushing Bride.

    • Thanks for the first proper laugh of the day. It takes quite a bit to get a smile out of me at the moment, so it’s more than welcome.

    • ‘Bull’s Blood’, blood red wine, shimmying up walls, all sounds a bit suspect me to me. You’re feeding them Count Fiddler aren’t you? The illegal Romanians in bat form.

  6. Wasn’t this pretentious harridan on some food programme years ago? With the equally pretentious Oz Clark? Still getting paid for being a cunt then.

  7. I would like to deport her and her ilk, I would take her British citizenship off her.
    Then I would make her live in a Syrian refugee camp, and turn it into a reality TV show, just to watch her disintegrate. See what her tasting notes are for dirty water, instead of an over priced bottle of wombat piss.
    Vacuous disgusting zombie.

    • We’d see real “guest stress” when she was sharing the table with jihadi john and his primitive friends.

      • Its all gone quiet on the Shitty Begum front, she is probably busy getting fucked by a goat shagger to fire out another ISIS terrorist.
        According to Interpol we havent heard the last of these cunts, it wont be long before the NZ shootings are eclipsed by the warriors of Islam.

      • She’ll be too busy getting pregnant again, the one thing they’re good at is breeding, unfortunately.
        Let the Dutch taxpayers pick up the tab for this one.

  8. Oh, another thing I bet Jancis and her posh cunt friends never shut the fuck up about is Peaky fucking Blinders. No, I haven’t seen a single fucking second of Peaky cunting Blinders but I know all about it because these posh libtard arseholes never fucking shut up about it. Fuck you and fuck Peaky shitty Blinders. Stick Peaky wanky Blinders up your cuntholes and stick all the “box sets” you spend your fucking pointless life “binge watching “ up after it you boring fucking wankers.

    • I thought Peaky Blinders was like by chavs. You see them at Aintree and Goodwood, wearing shiny waistcoats, with ‘PB’-styled hair and swilling lager and the odd flute of champagne.

    • Have NEVER watched a single episode.
      I knew instinctively from the title that it had to be an enormous pile of wank.

  10. What a nation of “first world problem” cunts we have become!

    “And to add insult to injury they had no gluten free sprinkles to go on my skinny-soy, half-cafe latte! It destroyed my weekend!”

    “And they had every charger under the sun apart from the one to fit my iPhone X! Note to self: when you’re not driving – when going to friends for the weekend in the Cotswolds – do take your charging cable with you! I lost touch with my friends on FaceCunt and Twatter for a whole 5 hours!!!”

    And then this cunt: “I was delighted to find that by the time the two Chardonnays were served side by side, the Coche had opened out and the DuMOL had tightened up, so they really were quite a respectable match for each other. California honour was saved.”

    Well I’m sure that will be a huge relief to the thousands of homeless and destitute peoples of these fine Islands. Hopefully they’ll sleep easier in their cardboard dwellings armed with that knowledge this evening.

    I enjoy the odd glass of Vin Rouge myself but the shit these so-called experts waffle on about I wouldn’t even put on me chips – oven chips at that!

    Fucking overly hurt, overly sensitive, overly cuntish fucking nation we have become.

    No the wonder the EU cunts are emboldened in their attitude towards us if this is the panacea of our social make-up!

    Fucking shameful!

    • I think you would appreciate this quote from Caroline Farrow the Catholic journalist who was reported to the police for ‘misgendering’ a woman’s son.

      A son that supposedly became a daughter.

      ‘In a time of universal deceit teling the truth becomes a revolutionary act’.

      • I don’t think that’s hers originally because I have heard others quote it too.

        I completely agree with the sentiment however.

        Just like the cunts who’ll walk past a bin and throw their empty designer water bottle on the floor on their way to a climate change convention!

  11. Carn’t say I’ve seen her mush or heard about any of her obvious drivel before today.
    Like many here I would immediately change channel or flick the page if I was presented with her grid on which ever media I was watching/reading at that time.

    I can only go on my gut instinct which tells me within 10 seconds of seeing her face that I don’t like her.
    I get that immediate sense of a cunt who ‘votes Labour’ to do her bit for all the oppressed peaceful ones that live in the adjacent shanty town to her prestigious Mayfair dwelling but ‘Lives Tory’ furnished by money from her Waitrose wine department sponsors and guest appearances on Classic FM wine hour.

    I’m partial to a Rioja due mainly to my gringo heritage taste buds telling me I like it but the last thing I need is this fucking food socialist libtard luvvie cunt telling me that I’m a culinary philistine cos I dink my Spanish Red as a warm up to 8 pints of wife beater followed by a curry.

    Who the fuck gives a shit about ‘what notes of cherry blossom’ you can taste in the French piss she promotes on behalf of her corporate sponsors?

    I for one couldn’t give a Turd.

    I’d pay more attention if she mastered the art of de-corking a wine bottle using only her crusty cunt flaps.

  13. When working in London many years ago decided one year to treat myself to a £30 bottle of Chablis from Fortnum and Mason. At the time was used to drinking £6 bottles of Chablis.

    Realised very quickly that I would have preferred 5x £6 bottles as to my untrained palate no discernible difference, if anything preferred the much cheaper bottle.

    Virtually teetotal these days but if pushed would go for a high as possible alcohol content (14%+) fruity red wine.

    Wine buffs. Pretentious pricks.

    • Despite Mr. Fiddler’s strictures, I had a bottle of Tesco Picpoul de Pinet last night. Totally unpretentious, bone dry, no ponced-up Robinson-Gooldenesque characteristics. Worth a go. I eat quite a lot of fish (mostly fingers or cakes) so white wine is quite frequent.

    • I like red wine in general but my palate can’t tell the difference between Chateau Mouton Rothschid and Tizer so the alcohol content is paramount for me too.

    • Despite Mr. F’ strictures, I had a bottle of Tesco Picpoul de Pinet with some tuna & bean salad last night. Was bone-dry, and totally unpretentious. If you like Chablis, it’s worth a try.

    • Agreed Willie. The problem with wine is that the French sell us their shite wines, regardless of price. My biggest disappointment was a £125 bottle of Cristal. Better buying £10 stuff from Aldi.

      • Ahh.. Cristal. Drunk by rappers and ‘grime artists’ who like mixing it with coke.

        Luckily i can’t stand most sparkling wine so never feel pressured to invest in an overpriced ‘marque’ to impress the local talent when out drinking, unlike a few of my poor mates.

  14. Wine buffs are, without exception, twats. I am a scrote and wouldn’t know the difference between a Chablis and a glass of fermented weasel’s piss.

    Nor does it bother me.

    A bottle of 8% Nigerian Guinness any day of the week.

  15. Never heard of the cunt and I didn’t even need to read the cunting to know she was a cunt just from the picture (I did read it btw Mr Polly) and a jolly fine cunting it is.

    I would imagine the talk around (I shall never utter her name) just like Jacinda Bunny, around her dinner table is about Brexit and how us poor prols didn’t know what we were voting for and how we were lied to.

    Anyway another cunt in a long line of cunts, talking of cunts take a look at Bunny Guiness if you fancy a spot of self harming.

  17. I can’t compete with her. I recently renewed my acquaintance with Mackeson stout after many years, and this may sound pretentious, but my fridge control is set at minus 18 degrees and in my opinion this is ideal.

  18. Much MSM publicity for a ‘Loser’s March’ in Londonistan today. No doubt Jancis and her guests are much in evidence, busy signalling their smug virtue…

    Pity there isn’t something like a ‘Brexit Betrayal’ march going on…

    • Lorry drivers are threatening to block the M4 in S Wales for the brexit betrayal. Trouble is, it’s a fucking car park anyway.

      • My kitchen sink is blocked. It’s a price I’m willing to pay for democracy.

    • What a bunch of cunts, just heard one of them spouting about the freedoms and opportunities because we’re in the eu. Also how it’s kept us safe, oblivious that millions of our fellow countrymen, fought and died to win and preserve those things.
      It’s like a fucking religion to them, if cunts like that had been leading our country through history, we wouldn’t have discovered the Isle of Wight yet.

  19. Both wine and wine aficionados are a pile of utter cunt.

    This speccy plonk nerd has been around for decades. I for one have never watched one of her lyrical waxings on which booze to select for the dinner table because firstly, we don’t have a dinner table…..our dinner tables are called’ trays’ whilst watching ‘Midsomer Murders’ of an evening and secondly, I for one would rather watch paint dry or pick fluff out of my navel.

    These wine ‘experts’ are so totally pretentious, droning on about ‘a fragrant bouquet’ and ‘it really is a robust little Chardonnay’ and other such bollocks.

    My philosophy when it comes to wine is that if it doesn’t taste like vinegar or taste like it could has the ability to strip paint, it is ok by me.

    Other than that, wine is a pile of cunt and anyone whose sole focus in life is talking or writing about crushed grapes in a bottle has far too much time on their hands, or a shit load of money and fuck all else to do with their life.

    CUNT.

    • The bouquet has just a hint of a new coat of paint with the discernible taste of navel fluff adding body.

      • LOL… Love it Miles. Now that does sound like an interesting and cheeky little wine. I must partake of it….

      • No, I’ve got it wrong Nurse Cunty. Navel fluff would ‘set off’ the pallet for the paint drying wine. You would enter with your best ‘hostess with the mostest’ smile and offer it to each of your dinner guests on a tray ‘freshly picked today’.

  20. I am very fond of red wine. Not French because it is inconsistent and over priced but Spanish Rioja, Malbec or whatever from S America, S Africa, Oz etc. And you can get very palatable wines for about £6. I like Port too but a couple of pints brings on a coma.
    Have no time for these fucking experts. Pretentious cunts.

    • Can I afford it?
      Does it taste of wine?
      Is it alcoholic?
      Is it ok the next morning?

      The only criteria necessary. The rest is flannel, ostentation, snobbery and oneupmanship.
      I’m getting snowflake on the nose, cretin BURSTING on the tongue and a long, strong raspberry finish, me.

      DF – you excel yourself again.

    • A man who drank gallons of port
      Got through more pairs of pants than he ought;
      Growling “This towelling my bowelling keeps fouling
      Is useless when I get caught short.”

    • I finished a bottle of M&S ‘Full Spanish Red’ with a rare sirloin steak last night. £7 and very pleasant.

  21. These fuckwits are trying to infest the beer world, or beer sommelier is the chosen posh title for these particular brand of cunt.

    Beers are beers, porters, stouts and dark ruby red ales for real men, hops and lager for poofs and the other lbqtrfthy1754 x communities.

    After a few I don’t give a fuck if its got a hint of chocolate or rum in it. Spitting is just a waste of a good beer, dirty fuckers.

    Fuck off to Somalia and be a cunt there.

  22. Jancis is a name I’ve never heard of so I had to look it up. I found this “adorable” alternative meaning for it below. Now, I’ve only been learning Cuntish for a month or so, so I’d really like to hear some suggested translations from the older and wiser cunts on this site who are fluent in Cuntish. Please insert all translations into the brackets and submit your entries no later than noon, 29th March( why does that date ring a bell?) Any submissions after this date will not count and you may still be charged. Had I been the parent, my name for this pretentious minger would have been RANCID.
    J is for jolly, the fun side ( )
    A is for angelic, a truly pure heart ( )
    N is for nifty, how neat! ( )
    C is for charm, the undeniable you ( )
    I is for infinite, are your possibilities ( )
    S is for share, your talents, time and possessions with others ( )

  23. My guess is the pretentious cunt is really called Janis, but when she was 4 she came running home from nursery school saying that the other gals thought that was too common. “Jancis is cool, mummy”.

    I read the other day some trollop off of Strictly Come Mincing burst into tears when a male barber refused to cut her hair. Why are daft cunts so much more daft and cuntier these days?

    • I saw that story and couldn’t figure out what had gone wrong, or why it was in the news.

  24. Has a hint of gorse bush, stinging nettles with a fragrance of fox piss and delacate notes of meths does this bottle of 2017 vintage of Buckfast…

    Cuntishness of the highest order by shitehawks like this.

  25. Some of the things these so-called pretentious as fuck wine cunts come out with, are hilarious. “With this fine vintage, I’m getting very subtle nuances of ancient woodland fragrances combined with hints of ripened fairydust fruits harvested on the side of mount dandelion by craft pixies. The aftertaste leaves a pleasant finish reminiscent of early Tudor gardens, worked by artisan chlorophyllic scholars. This has to be one of my finest wines for its full, yet smooth palate. What are you getting?”

    “The fact that you’re a biblical cunt”.

  26. I fucking hate wine. It’s the drink of choice of the Snowflake, the social climber, the pseud and the harridan.

    Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em all.

    • Oh, and I bet that Her Most Revered Worshipfulness Dame Saint Jacinda Ardern drinks wine. ‘Nuff said.

  28. The name alone – JANCIS – immediately identifies this one as a cunt. I know fuck all about her, don’t need to – her parents were cunts calling her that and there’s very little doubt that she’s followed suit.

    • Yep her name reeks of upper class snobbery, Jancis, her parents couldn’t just call her Jane or Jennifer had to pick a special snowflake name for her

  29. I hate wine experts, the fart sniffing cunts that they are, they always have some long winded essay of the wine they are describing and not even close description of what the wine tastes like, like hints of caramel,cherries and smoky burnt walnuts on the aftertaste like wtf it doesn’t taste like that

    I also hate wine experts because I’m poor cunt and can’t afford a 2 thousand dollar bottle of some 200 bottle exclusive small batch wine slightly matured in a frenchmans arse. Like do you imagine how expensive some of the wine this posh cunt gets to drink?! It does my head in just thinking about it

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