a nomination for “Check-A-Trade”,
CAP’N MAGS: Hello, is that Pavel?
PAVEL: Yes, is Pavel.
CAP’N MAGS: I found your number on Check-A-Trade. I need some plumbing done.
PAVEL: Yes, me plumber. Polska Pavel Plumber.
CAP’N MAGS: Hmm. Are you gas safe?
PAVEL: I am come on magic aeroplane is from Poland.
CAP’N MAGS: The magic what?
PAVEL: The magic aeroplane. I leave Poland no skills no qualified, I get on magic plane, land in UK, I am suddenly qualified builder. Magic Aeroplane good.
(end call)
CAP’N MAGS: Hello is that Günter from CheckATrade? I’m after a qualified plumber.
GÜNTER: Dâ, I best plumber in Lithuania. Here now fix pipes. But busy.
CAP’N MAGS: Can you do this week?
GÜNTER: Niet. Wednesday helping new people arrive from lorry, Thursday collect money Benefits office. Friday Saturday I selling drugs, and Sunday check my girls alright in brothel. Next Monday?
(end call)
CAP’N MAGS: Hello, is that Ciprian?
ROMESCU: No, I Romescu his friend
CAP’N MAGS: Oh. Not Ciprian from Check-A-Trade?
ROMESCU: No, he go Romania.
CAP’N MAGS: I’m trying to find a qualified plumber.
ROMESCU: He… come back soon
CAP’N MAGS: Are you a plumber?
ROMESCU: No, no. I burglar. I clean houses. I clean them of everything, ha ha.
CAP’N MAGS: I see.
ROMESCU: Ciprian come back but don’t know when. He only deported last week after prison finish. Two years prison for ‘cleaning’ houses. He come back under seat in cousin’s car. Maybe Tuesday. I get him call you.
(end call)
Nominated by Captain Magnanimous
Ah yes, the Iron Curtain tradesman, so beloved by property developers and champagne socialists like The Lady Nugee.
Her Ladyship doesn’t want White Van Man fucking about with her property portfolio. No, let’s get Ivan in, cash in hand no questions asked.
People’s Vote now!
21
Keith ‘Jim’ Vaz was actually training up two Romanian washing machine salesmen, then in a happy coincidence for him they turned out to be drug dealing rent boys on the side.
22
Vazaline really takes the piss, he may well be a master of bum craft but he knows fuck all about spin cycles.
5
Oh, I don’t know. I bet the filthy cunt gets a cheap thrill by sitting naked on a washing machine when in full-tilt spin mode.
It likely loosens up his chocolate starfish so he can then go on to let his trainers loose on him with their dribbling tools
3
I’m sorry Mr Liquidator but there’s so much raaay-sism in that one simple, but true, statement that you can expect the Thought Police to be kicking your door in very soon.
Well…..not that soon. It is Sunday and there are peacefuls who need to be protected from white supremacists bricking their windows.
Lucky for you eh?
11
Yes Sunday, the day of rest but that could apply to the other six days of the week for plod. They will be busy policing Sir Nigel of Farage’s Brexit march looking for hate crimes like waving a St Georges Cross flag a little too vigorously.
11
Some fucking bubble and squeak PhD is on LBC basically blaming Nigel Farrage for everything and says that cuts to kormunnideee policing leads to an increase in far right tettorism
Fuck off and listen to some Demos Royals you Moussa a make eating cunt. Also Anna Source composing about death threats
Not interested, next!
11
Fucking auto correct is a cunt!
5
Keh……??
7
Great. Now I’ve got the Check-A-Trade Check – A – Trade.com lyric in my head.
4
Bloody William Tell overture…..or as my late father and better used to say….the Lone Ranger music.
5
Interesting they use a famous cowboy song for a tradesman ad. Someone in marketing needs sacking.
8
MyBuilder.com are no better. Had some plastering done by a clown who could barely communicate. Shoddy job three years on with cracks. Cack-handed foreign riff-raff.
7
I’m not surprised to read that. I’ve travelled all around Eastern Europe and seen how crappy buildings are over there. If you look at buildings during construction, you will see lots of gaps between the bricks and concrete blocks because the useless fuckers don’t put mortar into every gap. The socialist legacy of “we pretend to work and they pretend to pay us” is alive and well in Eastern Europe. A big mistake letting them join the EUSSR, but not as big a mistake as us joining in the first place.
11
I always use “Word of Mouth” to find out about a tradesman’s honesty and trustworthiness…and then just hope that the tradesman hasn’t used “Word of Mouth” to find out about my honesty and trustworthiness.
Fuck Off.
18
Morning Mr Fiddler, you can only dump three tons of cow shit in a driveway so many times after a ‘disagreement’ before word gets about.
11
Herr Fiddler is spot on. Luckily I have managed to source a good bricklayer, chippie and plasterer through my FIL who is still flogging himself as a plumber on sites aged 75.
My FIL tells me of these younger chimps on site who can piece together lengths of compression fitting plastic water pipe and call themselves plumbers. When faced with having to do soldered copper work or even lead work on roofs, these cunts shit their pants and don’t have the foggiest.
8
I had the Check-A-Trade tune in my head, now I have the Vanarama tune…..ffs
5
That’s unfortunate. Don’t worry, the we-buy-any-car jingle should block it out. Happy to help.
8
Don’t ask a peaceful to cure that problem of shitty tunes in your head.
3
Thanks YCD
3
Talking of wank adverts…
Anyone seen the latest McDonalds advert?
Not to be left out in the Diversity and Includivity stakes it features a young male Dark Key who’s going for a job interview.
He goes to McDee’s, which is odd as I thought they only went to Fried Chiggen outlets, nonetheless he does and whilst there bumps into a very busy ‘power women’.
Onto the interview, where the only applicants appear to be Dark Keys (positive discrimination rules yah) and would you believe it, young Dark Key goes Ito interview and guess who’s doing the interview.
Yep. You guessed it.
It made me feel really warm inside.
Ahhhhhh
Fuck off
6
Talking of wank adverts…
Anyone seen the latest McDonalds advert?
Not to be left out in the Diversity and Includivity stakes it features a young male Dark Key who’s going for a job interview.
He goes to McDee’s, which is odd as I thought they only went to Fried Chiggen outlets, nonetheless he does and whilst there bumps into a very busy ‘power women’.
Onto the interview, where the only applicants appear to be Dark Keys (positive discrimination rules yah) and would you believe it, young Dark Key goes Ito interview and guess who doing the interview.
Yep. You guessed it
6
On R4’s Broadcasting House this morning, a WW2 bomb aimer was telling his story of bailing out and then his part in the Great Escape. He is, of course, without compare to today’s snowflakes.
He must despair at the state of the country.
As for Eastern Europeans, the Highlands apparently can’t cope without them because the indigenous population seems unwilling to work (courtesy of English tax payer) or, when they are tradesmen, are generally shit/lazy cunts. Just my experience folks!
8
I’m surprised they’re up there too, Sarge. Fucking swarming with pretenders down here who all came over on the magic aeroplane. There must be ghost towns back in Shitska or Cuntavakia.
1
If you need to get on check-a-trade, your work is not speaking for itself.
7
Dead true. They reckon they “vet” everybody but that’s evidently bullshit. Any old shyster cowboy can blag their way onto this bollocks.
3
🎶Checkatrade, Checkatrade.cunt…🎶
8
Quick story about Eastern European gas fitters/plumbers My brother is a gas fitter (ex gas board trained) He knows what He’s doing.So He’s parked up eating His lunch in the van (sign written master gas fitters) tap tap tap on the window Polish bloke asks my brother can he bend him a piece of chrome gas fire pipe He’s just bought from BQ Superstore for a customer with my His pipe bender My Brother replies nope sorry not only is it dangerous it’s also illegal mate you should know that! Bloke just shrugs his shoulders and walks off back to his van also marked up Master Plumbers & Approved Gas Fitters Absolute Wankers Don’t employ them!
6
Quick story about Eastern European gas fitters/plumbers My brother is a gas fitter (ex gas board trained) He knows what He’s doing.So He’s parked up eating His lunch in the van (sign written master gas fitters) tap tap tap on the window Polish bloke asks my brother can he bend him a piece of chrome gas fire pipe He’s just bought from BQ Superstore for a customer with His pipe bender My Brother replies nope sorry not only is it dangerous it’s also illegal mate you should know that! Bloke just shrugs his shoulders and walks off back to his van also marked up Master Plumbers & Approved Gas Fitters Absolute Wankers Don’t employ them!
1
Could they bus in a Parliament load orf MPs and a Prime Minister Cap’n? Anything would be better than what we’ve got and we’ll pay ’em a fiver an hour cash in hand plus meals. I know meals inc is guilding the lilly what but to avoid them slaughtering the wildlife orn the Thames for the pot…..
3