‘Courtesy Calls’
Brirrrrrrrrrrring brirrrrrrrrrrring!
Me; ‘hello’
Caller; ‘good morning! Is that Mr Knee?’
Me; ‘who’s this?’
Caller; ‘aaah, my name’s Natasha. This is a courtesy call…’
Me; ‘a what? What’s a courtesy call? Hang on, what are you selling?’
Caller; ‘aaah, I’m not trying to sell you anything. We’re in your area…’.
Me; ‘if you’re not trying to sell me anything, why are you phoning me?’
Caller; ‘well, it’s a courtesy call to offer advice on new kitchens…’
Click! Brrrrrrrrrrr…
Just so you know, cunters, because I’m sure you’d never have guessed, that ‘courtesy calls’ are absolutely positively not nuisance calls. ‘Courtesy callers’ are absolutely positively not trying to sell you anything. Ever. They’re just trying to brighten up your day by adding a bit of novelty. Bless!
Nominated by Ron Knee
If only I knew her number I would give a courtesy call to Mavis Dances With Cunts.
Hello Mavis, we’re in your area and I would like to give you some advice on resigning.
Fuck off, keep fucking off and don’t come back bitch!
12
If only we got more courtesy in other walks of life…..
11
I got a courtesy call from one of the customer relations/management team of my nearest large Tesco recently, an outlet which delivers the occasional online order I make with them.
A very chirpy female phone voice almost patronisingly informed me that they wanted to check everything had been OK with recent deliveries and orders. I guess I was picked at random.
No, I informed them. Everything was not OK.
I then proceeded to list out every grievance I could muster with their service; ranging from one of their delivery drivers arguing with me that my registered address was not correct (as in, the address held by mortgage deed was apparently wrong), to being substituted tuna steaks for fucking tinned tuna, to even finding some cunt had opened and scoffed a fair percentage of a tin of Celebrations I ordered before Christmas.
I also critiqued their abysmally infrequent issue of Clubcard Vouchers and their insistence on sending me non-English speaking delivery drivers, who cannot grasp the Herculean intellectual intercom challenge of “Pull the door and I’ll come and meet you”.
Needless to say, she departed the call a bit less chipper than how she started it. In fact I could palpably sense a ‘one way ticket to Beachy Head’ vibe about the denouement of the conversation, in which Mrs. Tesco was possibly despairing at the life choices which had brought her to this most depressing of job roles.
Moral of the story: never cold call TECB whilst he is in the middle of an intense Saturday afternoon wank.
23
Discourtesy Call more like. It’s the fucking height of impertinence to drag me away from ‘Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away!’
11
I always find Fuck Off works whether the call is from India, Newcastle or Doncaster(where they have amazing offers on solar panels).
8
“Verpiss dich!” does the job if it’s the 4th Reich calling…
6
That’s true about ‘fuck off’. Everybody understands ‘fuck’ and ‘fucking’, it’s no longer just an English word, it’s international. I even heard it used recently in an Israeli film.
1
I never get courtesy calls….I suspect that once someone has had dealings with me,the last thing that they want be is courteous. I’ve actually had more calls from businesses telling me that they no longer wanted my custom than I’ve had asking my opinion of their service.
Fuck Off.
15
‘ Sorry (a lie), haven’t got any money’ generally disperses them. Or, if you have an idle hour, keep them on the line discussing Brexit.
9
“What is your perception of Islam” generally shortens the call……
8
My faux South African act of Galen Tiberius III normally sends them into a state of bewilderment. I manage to get the accent off to a tee and, as I speak, feel myself taking on the mannerisms and bluntness of a true Afrikaner.
Many a time, after spending five minutes or so pissballing around and winding them up, I have concluded along the line of telling them to “hurry up and get finished with what you are trying to sell me, as the schwarzer on my plantation is getting hungry for his corn and melon, but he cannot help himself since I cut both his achilles tendons”.
Normally makes them hang up without another word.
11
I got so sick of calls trying to sell me something I have disconnected my home phone. Anyone wants me, they have to use my mobile.
Back to Brexit. Is it true that 70,000 Brits living in Spain will have to pay for health care after March 29 as JOB had just declared?
6
if there is a deal nothing will change for at least the transition period, there have been discussions about no deal and guarantees on citizens rights but i dont know the deatails
4
Fucking hell he never stops does he!
I wonder if we actually leave the reich in March he’ll accept reality and give up.
Or am I just being a dreamer?
He’ll probably still be fighting the same losing battle a decade from now….
The Twat
6
It wont stop Sausage, the likes of O’Shithead love the sound of their own moral superiority too much. They’ll be like that Jap soldier who kept fighting on a Pacific island for 20 odd years after WW2 finished.
2
Please don’t take this as gospel, but from someone who is going to move to Spain in the near future (please, please let there be less peacefuls, hope so, as the Spanish are not as forthcoming with benefits) and as such has done much research, the healthcare arrangement between Spain and the UK has been agreed between those nations, it is nothing to do with the EU so should not be affected by Brexit.
1
You will find a lot of sub Saharan Africans trying to sell you shit. Well in the touristy areas anyway.
2
No landline which helps, just the annoying cunts who have been infomed that i have been in an accident that wasnt my fault.
I ask, “so who has given you this information”
blablabla
“No , you just told me you have been informed, so who informed you”
Then they hang up.
8
I just tell it was a terrible accident but since I was driving pissed it cushioned the blow.
3
The last time I got that call I decided to just play along with it (yes, I was that bored). The call went like this:
“Hello.”
“Hello there. I’ve just been informed that you were recently involved in an accident that wasn’t your fault.”
“Yes, that’s right. As I was turning out of the junction onto the coast road a lorry smashed right into the side of my BMW and pretty much dented the entire drivers side.”
“Really? Well judging by our records you should be entitled to receive £1200.”
“Brilliant! Just one question. Will the 8 pints of lager I drank that afternoon effect my claim at all?”
“Oh, stop wasting my time!!”
I then just laughed as she hanged up the phone. Needless to say they haven’t bothered me since.
4
A tactic that works for me when I receive a call telling me that I was involved in an accident, is to say yes, I was, and it left me with serious brain damage and an almost complete loss of memory.
The questions then come, to each I reply ‘I can’t remember’
It normally takes them about 4 questions and a couple of minutes before they hang up
2
If my old man received one of these he used to say ‘ I’ll just go and get him, please hold ‘ he’d then go and carry on with whatever he’d been doing before the cunts had disturbed him.
A tactic I employ is to reply ‘WHA’ ? ‘
in response to anything they say.
I call it the Craggy Island strategy.
Good cunting.
Good morning.
2
Looks like some more cultural enrichment in North Londonistan as another aspiring architect/rapper/doctor/footballer has been stabbed by three of his fellow aspiring youths.
It’s all a part of the big camoonitee init blud
5
Oh dear, what a shame, never mind.
3
I received a ‘we’ve been informed you were involved in an a accident recently’ call.
“Yes I have” I replied keenly.
“What happened?”
“Well, I was in Sainsburys and part of the suspended ceiling collapsed, causing a sheet of metal to fall and slice of my penis.”
Unbelievably she’s still interested and asks “What happened next?”
I said “Fortunately I was in the freezer section so my penis was kept frozen in a bag of carrots until I made it to the hospital, but unfortunately a clearly overworked surgeon stiched on a carrot”…
She hung up, after claiming I was wasting ‘her’ time….
12
I’ve done similar, told her I’d hurt my head when it went through a bedroom window. When she asked what had happened I told her I was getting out of bed and tripped over my cock….(click)
8
How awful for you. On the plus side, I assume Madame Cuntley’s night vision has improved dramatically and she no longer needs the bedside light on to read her Mills and Boon ……………….?
3
I used to quite enjoy the proper doorstep courtesy calls by the Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses.
“Good morning unsuspecting householder, have you ever considered the reason for the World’s troubles?”
“Err, no, not really. Is it the darkies – there’s fucking hundreds of them round here?”
“Thank you for your time, goodbye!”
3
Thanks guys! Some great responses to unwanted callers for me to remember. Particularly like moggie’s immediately above.
1
PS here’s my own favourite caller response. it’s a decent laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIVfrBFc5og
6
Classic. Now learning it by heart.
1
Be aware you’ll be getting a courtesy call at some later stage to collect feedback on your response.
1
Another one I experienced was a parking Stanley woman saying she could help me make a claim for mis-sold PPI. When I told her I hadn’t taken out PPI, she then changed the subject to overdraft charges. When I told her I didn’t have an overdraft, she then changed the subject to credit card charges. I then said I don’t have a credit card. I could still hear her trying to change the subject onto something else while I put the phone right by the stereo with Deicide on full volume. But the phone timer still carried on for another couple of minutes before she finally gave up.
For those of you who have never heard of Deicide here’s the song I played her:
https://youtu.be/bVKy2Va7Ds0
2
NAIL HIM!
Awesome band
1
Superb song
1