PowerPoint Presentations

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Powerpoint presentations and those who use them – fuck me, what a load of cunt.
Perhaps it’s just me, but every single meeting I’ve ever attended has involved some brainless gimp in a cheap ill fitting suit from ‘next’ reading out each slide to me.
This in itself is enough to cause my eyeballs to swell under the raised heart rate, but there’s a number of aspects to this bumfoolery that add to my frustration.
These events always begin with the illustrious host waiting silently and uncomfortably for everyone to arrive. No social pleasantries, they obviously don’t want to share air with everyone else. What a good start eh? Fuck you too. At this point, my brain begins to ache with the constant railroad chatter of the word “cunt” endlessly repeating along my tortured synapses.
Then, with the room filled to capacity, they break into smiles. The voice in my head is now shouting the word “CUNT” repeatedly.
Next is the attempt to disarm our defensive nature by pretenting they can’t login (single finger strokes of course) or can’t switch the projector on, or can’t find the presentation.
‘Ho ho what a wolly I am, what fun! ‘
Fuck off! Just fuck off! This is NOT breaking the ice or ‘touching base’ with us or me or whatever. You are just a shitting cunt.
Then the presentation itself.
Why are all the numbers meaningless?
Why are all the colours pastel? Is this an exercise in gayness?
Why are they reading this to me?
I’m not thinking of the rest of the room anymore. This is personal. A contrived attack. Succeeding, in fact, in raising my heart rate over 200bpm and causing me to dig my nails into my palms and drawing blood.
The irony is that I am being punished for being able to read. Just because I can read the whole page in the blink of an eye, they are slowly drawing it out.
Making fucking mistakes! How is this possible? The words are two inches high! Two bastard inches!
As the blood pressure succeeds in loosening my teeth, the over exertion begins to take it’s toll.
Any chance of me getting out of my chair and clubbing people with it is lost because this is a personal attack and these events have been foreseen.
This is why the heating is on, the windows are shut and the room filled to capacity to maximise the thermal effect. Combined with the fading adrenaline, I am strong-armed into an alpha brain state, struggling to stay awake, dimly aware of their judgement, desperately awaiting the hiss of releasing pressure that signals the door has been opened and we can now leave…..
Fucking cunts……

20 thoughts on “PowerPoint Presentations”

  1. Positioning is all. Either get there early and reserve the remotest corner for what will be, given shades and earplugs, an uninterrupted slumber, or get as near as possible to the speaker, standing up to deliver shouted meaningless phrases (example: ‘Fish and a gas boiler! Up the plaster!’) at each change of slide until you are blissfully ejected.

    Additionally, if the slide count exceeds ten, the rules of the game allow you to shoot the presenter. PP is an almost unrivalled cunt, and it may come as news to you that being required to do a PP presentation is no less painful than having to sit through one. This cunting is endorsed, with all the trimmings.

    But wait till the cunts make a video…

  2. I’ve never been to one,but did attend a speeding course once which I imagine to be pretty much the same..well,say attended..I only lasted 45 minutes before exploding in rage at the patronising wanker presenting it. Told the Cunt that I’d rather take the points than listen to another minute of his sanctimonious,officious bollocks and made my Grand Exit.

    Fuck them.

    • Afternoon Dick. I can well imagine the satisfaction and relish you felt as you departed after discharging your broadside.
      I experienced something similar but from an opposing perspective.
      It happened before I became self employed . We had a couple of consultants inflicted on our department. These two wimminz had carved out a very profitable niche for themselves, basically they told granny’s how to suck eggs.
      Our first meeting went round in circles, how to achieve managements Great Leap Forward was hotly disputed. They produced a pathetic working document ( two pages ) and arranged a follow up meeting.
      The day of the meeting found me with a heavy cold and a black mood.
      The consultants breezed in , the Alpha Bitch declaring that it was hoped that our attitude had changed , otherwise the meeting would be a waste of time. Without hesitation I gave my riposte, which was ‘ Well you know where the door is ‘ The effect was devastating , they both looked astounded ,opened and closed their mouths like bemused goldfish , then turned on their heels and departed at a rate of knots , never to be seen again.
      Management was not at all pleased .
      I didn’t give a fuck.
      As for PowerPoint , it’s a cunt.

  3. I was asked by one of these bods what weaknesses I had, that may affect performance within the workplace.
    I said “Probably my straight talking and honesty.”

    He responded with, “I don’t think anybody would regard that as a weakness.”

    I said “I don’t give a fuck what you think”….

  4. An ex colleague (a massive cunt) loved all this Powerpoint bollox. I remember one such presentation in front of blue chip clients, the word ‘public’ had somehow been mistyped as ‘pubic’ and had showed up to all in 2″ high dark blue letters.

    Oh how I sniggered at the cunt’s embarrassment…

  5. I have a list of inanimate objects on a chalk board which I believe to have been spawned by a greater evil than any of us can imagine. I won’t have any of these in my castle:

    Duvet covers
    Sticky tape
    Cling film
    Microwave Oven
    Doors
    Curtains
    Carpets

    I can explain if anyone is interested….

    Goodbye for now.

  7. The cunts who love all this corporate hipster powerpoint wanking material, are usually the middle management “I’m desperate to suck my boss’s cock like a Calippo” types. Totally self absorbed, narrow-minded cunts who think they’re on a higher plain than those around them.

    As for the fucks who love these cunt “mood boards”, they’re just as bad. They’re quite happy to stab each other in the back, just to get higher up the false ladder whilst spouting their “let’s be cutting edge in our sharp presentations” bollockery. I’ve had bitter experience of fucks like this. They’re usually to be found furiously wanking over a Ryman catalogue in the bogs on their “power break”. Vacuous cunts in the premium selection. They can take their mood boards and their powerpoints, dip them in salt and shove them up their fake smiling arses. Cunts.

  8. A rule of thumb on PowerPoint presentations is that the more glossy, polished and impressive the presentation is, the less information it will actually contain.

  9. This whole PowerPoint shit was invented by some computer nerd who was almost certainly gay so what do you expect?

  10. Luckily in the building trade we don’t have to put up with this shit, we’re to busy wolf whistling birds with big tits.!

  11. We are often educated by Powercunt.

    I try to eat some coleslaw before going into a session and retain a mouthful. After 10 minutes, I have been known to suddenly make a lurch for the bin, spew and apologise with the phrase “Sorry, it’s an allergic reaction to bullshit”.

    My boss hates me but my colleagues often piss themselves……

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