42 thoughts on “The John Lewis Christmas Advert”

  2. The way these shopping store Christmas adverts are revered and treated like some fucking artistic masterpieces really shits in my cereal bowl.

    In some respects they really are the best we can do artistically. Digital corporate wank, wanked over by corporate digital clones.

    Humbug. I’ll shit in your stocking!

    • It is all the fault of John Everett Millais for allowing his charming painting ‘A Child’s World’ to be used as an advertisement for Pears Soap. ‘Bubbles’ it became known as. The company added a cake of soap to the picture. The rot set in then. Around 1886.

  3. When I’m making my choice of shopping destination I’m never remotely swayed by TV advertising and leave it all to Mrs Hunt anyway. Whilst she’s out doing all that nonsense I am happily browsing Pornhub in the hope that my newish neighbour might make an appearance as she promised me she would in the summer.

    Those well-known Torys Will ‘mine’s a coke’ Self and Chavvabutty are on QT next week. No doubt Al-Beeb will redress that disgraceful right wing bias with invitations to Owen Jones and Polly Loonbee in the days to come…….

    • Rev. Ike’s pre-Christmas thought for the day…

      “The Dungtrumpets shall sound, and the Unmentionable shall be raised incorruptible.”

      Sod them.

    • Oh and Elton John, what a fat, bewigged cunt he is. Lewis’s can stick their advert. They’ve actually put me off going there.

  5. at least it wasn’t some socially engineered token prancing up and down on a trampoline this year.

  6. All Christmas ads are shit….darkies,poofs,cute kids, geriatrics, smiling happy faces….the very things that I spend my life trying to avoid. As for that ad with Elton John being given a piano,what a load of shite. The only musical instrument that my parents ever gave me was a drum which I was instructed to bang right next to their ears if relatives called round for a Christmas drink. The rest of the time it was locked away in my Father’s study. Of course, I don’t adopt those tactics with relatives nowadays…. I just tell them to Fuck Off, from the study window,or I’ll chuck a bucket of cold piss over them,and release the hounds.

    Fuck Off.

    • Who’s cooking on Xmas Day Mr Fiddler? You, me or Fanny? I assume your Pampers will be full of industrial strength snakebite on Xmas Eve. Have we been banned from Elton’s?

      • I was rather hoping to go down to the local orphanage with a car load of gaudily wrapped presents which we could pretend that we were going to give out,before driving off laughing, “gifts” intact. Unfortunately the local police have told me that the tradition of parking outside children’s homes to offer presents to the kids is the preserve of our Muslim friends.
        As for dinner, I recently wrote a letter to a rather confused old Dear, who lives in the village, claiming to be a son who she shamefully, and secretly, gave up for adoption 55 years ago,and that I’ll be visiting for Christmas dinner and 55 years worth of pocket-money….let’s see the forgetful old biddy try and talk her way out of that one. We’ll just tell her that you and Fanny are also the product of her sexually promiscuous (and oh so conveniently forgotten) past…the brazen hussy. Maiden-Aunt,indeed.
        Banned from Elton’s?…’fraid so…apparently until we return his hamsters which you oh so cunningly secreted up your “rodent hole” we are persona non grata chez Elton….tell me,do you ever get a gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach?…If so,call a vet. not a doctor, while I call Elton and arrange the return of his “love-rats”.

        P.S. My Pampers also double as a hot-water bottle…the more I drink,the cozier they get. It’s just a matter of keeping up a steady flow.

      • Is that not felching you describe Dick? I heard the bumfoolery of inserting small rodents via a pipe up your anus was referred to as such. Cracking form again Dick – is it the arrival of the weekend that brings on these eloquent superbly word crafted retorts, mind altering substances or alcohol? Or all three 😉

  7. We record everything to watch later… so very rarely have to endure these pernicious insults to our intelligence.

    John Lewis profits dropped 99% earlier this year to £1.2 million. I wonder why? Mind you, if they hadn’t pissed that £5 million squid up Elton’s spunk lined arse they would probably have gone bankrupt. 😂

  8. The piped xmas music in shops seriously makes me die a little inside,its indescribly terrible beyond cunting.

    • I heard LIVE Xmas carol singing in our local shopping centre last week – Nov 23rd.

      The fucking shopping centre boasts about it’s *calm lane* for people who can’t stand noise but the old trumpet tongue doing the main singing was giving it large right in front of it.

      Why old Elton?. I suppose he has to keep Furnish-ing, but old Cliff has a live-in *spiritual advisor* to support – he once toyed with the priesthood, don’t you know.

      I despise Xmas adverts even more than the fucking all year long fake DFS sales.

      Which company was it a few years ago that had an old man on a cloud looking into a kiddies bedroom?. How much did it cost them? Rolf Harris would probably have done it for nothing.

    • Yep…..and that’s been made infinitely worse by the fact they are ALL – without exception- the same old shite that was first recorded 40 yrs ago.

      Has nobody bothered writing anything new since?

    • Radio 4 has just announced (with glee) that Mavis May has now not ruled out a second referendum. Who would(nt) have seen that coming?. Announced at the G7 bollocks

      • Relax (a bit) WC.

        I think it’s a 2nd Commons / MPs vote, not a 2nd Referendum.

        Either way, it amounts to the same thing so expect a humiliating climb down and ultimate capitulation to the cunts in Brussels, Berlin and Paris.

        No Deal is the only way forward now.

      • Just seen Tusk & Druncker looking and sounding especially menacing at G7, endorsing Treasoner’s deal, ha-ha…. By the way, what the fuck are those two cunts doing lording it at the G7 top table?

        Remember now they muscled in on the official photo last year… It just gets sinisterer and sinisterer…

        https://goo.gl/images/VsCqrU

      • Afternoon Mr Creampuff

        As you say, they are not heads of state for any particular country, were not elected by the electorate of any particular country so should not have received an invite.

        Trying to find out the cost of the 2018 G20 summit piss up/fake back slapping/photo-shoot/looking resolute and thoughtful/fine dining/nothing resolved waste of fucking money jolly.

        Strangely no figures available. One year with security topped US$1bn for 72 hours. Money well spent? Nothing whatsoever will change in the world as a result of this ridiculous get together so it should be scrapped.

        With the possible exception of Trump and Abe a thicket of useless fucking muppets.

        And what a fucking shame that the fault with Merkel’s plane forcing it to return back to Germany was only technical one. But it has made me realise what I want for Xmas.

      • Afternoon Willie, trust you’re well. What a steaming pile of cuntage the G7 shindig is.

  10. As a last resort what about an ear trumpet Mr Fiddler? If you HAVE to meet a relative you can simply lay it aside thereby indicating you have no wish to speak. Admittedly still a little rude but it gets over that embarassing silence. You have an excuse.

    • Oh there’s no “embarrassing silences” when I meet my relatives, Miles…quite the opposite,in fact. Luckily our meetings only happen these days when one of them has died and I go to the Wake to gloat and see if there’s anything that I can get my hands on. They are a rough,loud and uncouth bunch. It’s just lucky that my sheer malevolence,relative youth and self-induced Tourettes allows me get a word in.

      I’d love to think that one of the old bastards would be daft enough to shove an ear-trumpet in their lug….they’d sharp discover that it was acting as a funnel for my well aimed stream of piss.

  11. Doomed Doomed we”re all doomed !!!!
    ( mark carneys vision ) The absolute bungleCunt !!!!

  12. ….. nuff said.
    Nicely cunted.
    I hate everything about Xmas… apart from the alcohol …. but I especially hate the advertising.

    Didn’t John Lewis get fucked by the snowflakes a couple of years back coz they had a black kid rapping in their vid and the twats said that was waysist … ?

    Ever seen a white person rap? … if you have I bet you wish you hadn’t.
    …apart from vanilla ice. What a tune.

  13. Is the Watford Turd Burgler that strapped for cash?

    Perhaps David “Purty Mouth” Furnish has been spending it quicker than Elton can bring it in? The likely bulk of the expenditure being on thrice weekly “foam parties”, where Mr Furnish is outnumbered 6 to 1 by big black Errol and his gang of Xhamster participants.

    That Furnish is a fucking wrongun. You can tell by looking at his mouth – it quivers in anticipation just like most gay men’s mouths quiver.

  14. Would have thought that after declaring a 99% fall in profits (made fuck all in the last year) they cannot afford to spend so much money on an advert.

    Recent online reviews I have read seem to suggest that John Lewis customer service is not as good as it once was (putting it mildly).

    This is the only reason I used to use them- without this they will go the same way as all other big department stores. South.

  15. And on a lighter note :
    https://open.spotify.com/album/1IusjIp5ouwoNRaundVYmi

    Crappy Christmas one and all
    Next year I’m think of butchering Wizzard “Thank Christ it isn’t Christmas every day”. I considered fucking up McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time” but am reminded of when the Rutles took the piss out of the Beates how he was going to sue them until Linda told him to grow a sense of humour. Miserable fucking tightwad cunt.

    Suggestions for next years Christmas Song for me and Dio to fuck around with are always welcome.

    In the meantime I was quite heartened when Carney the Cunt said the £ could be worth less than the dollar as my royalties are paid in dollars.

    As Dick would say “Fuck ’em”

    • You should consider branching out, Chas. The Muslim festival of Eid is screaming out for a touch of levity. Judging by the strangled vocals involved in Adhan (call to prayer), Dio should have no trouble getting the message across. A few cheeky references to Mohammed and his love life in the lyrics are bound to bring a smile to even the most Peaceful of the stabby people,and I feel sure that publicity will be no problem…there’ll be people lining up to interview you.

      Seriously though, I do enjoy your songs and having signed up to Spotify have listened to several of your excellent tunes. Good stuff.

    • Many thanks Chas

      That Fucking Christmas music is a cracker.

      Keep up the most excellent work.

  16. Wouldn’t it be great if any store said this: “Helping to make Christmas a little less shit than it really is!”

    I’d shop there.

  17. There is no Lewis’s in Manchester any more… It’s a shitty Primark now and has been for some time… Mrs N was never a Lewis fan anyway… She goes to Kendall’s on Deansgate, always has done… But I expect that great store will also close and eventually become a chav hive and a parking stanley magnet cheapo shop….

  18. Every year I am wetting my knick-knocks just gagging to see this year’s Christmas adverts…..

    AM I FUCK.

    The hoopla leading up to this pile of unmitigated, ego pandering, brown nosing pile of reindeer shite was ludicrous. They actually changed the fucking theme tune of ‘Coronation Street’ to a piano solo rendition the night before the John Spewis advert aired, in honour of the wondrous event and it’s main protagonist, the epic cunt that is Fatty John.

    How I managed to keep down my fishcake and chips when learning that is one of life’s great mysteries.

    It is fucking obscene that they paid that amount of money to that overripe, bewigged
    fruit. What is more, we are supposed to be placated by the fact that ‘a portion’ of the money went to charity……..and WHICH charity exactly?

    Yep, FATTY JOHN’S OWN CHARITY.

    The advert is cuntery, Fatty John is a giant cunt and John Lewis are cunts of all cunts for their arse sucking, vulgar extravagance.

    OVERINFLATED TV CUNTERY!

  19. Look on the bright side….there won’t be many more of these as John Lewis may well go the way of many others…..cunts

  20. So many “mega” slebs appearing in adverts these days do they not get enough exposure/money? can they not be satisfied with their lot and fuck off, I foolishly hoped that Depp was digging his own grave; in that advert he did for some man scent, the one with a fuck off great Bison giving him the bad eye.. Bad enough with cunty Cordon and insurance, Eclair with the vag lube without A grade slebs jumping on the money wagon. Damm the fucking lot of them they are cunts

    • People living on the bread line & cannot pay their bills Food Banks absolutely disgusting Merry Christmas one and all

  22. To quote my dear old Dad only yesterday evening, who was at the said time nursing a can of Carlsberg (all his wisest musings come when he has booze in his clutches):

    ‘They’ll be regretting paying all of that fucking money when they go down the shitter like the other high street shops have been lately’……

    Dad, methinks you may well be correct.

    DAD AKA ‘YODA’.

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