Football [5]

I’d like to cunt football.

So half of humanity are obsessed with this ‘beautiful game’.
Why? What the fuck is so great about watching a bunch of camp hipster illiterate fuckwits prance around after a ball?

How on earth is one game really any different from another? Let me guess, did one guy kick the ball towards the net? Gosh. What an utterly unique approach to the most mentally demanding of activities.

How is it that half the fuckers that play this game have some sort of affiliation with hotel room spitroasts, driving offenses or cheating on their wives? Why is every fan happy for their child to wear a shirt with these people’s names on? How come hardly anyone knows about grammar these days but everyone can pronounce every goatherders’ seventeen letter surname so long as his foot touches a ball?

And what is this obsession with going all doe-eyed at the mention of a cup ‘coming home’? It is not coming home if a bunch of somalis bring it home for you, is it?

I find the whole thing rather monotonous to be honest. But every person I have spoken to who has spent their childhood ‘kicking a ball about’ has truly shocking gaps in their education. I have recently spoken to one who did know what Auschwitz was.


Nominated by Cuntflap

Football Fans are Cunts. (That should get one or two Cunters’ attention)

Football fans really are the most entitled of any sports-followers. I’ve just been reading about a group of fans who are whinging because Mike Ashley ( Newcastle United Owner) had the audacity to flick them a sly V-sign after they’d stood outside a restaurant where he was dining shouting abuse. How very unreasonable of him. Now Mike Ashley may well be a Cunt,but if someone had been shouting abuse at me for 2 hours they’d have got a lot more than a sly V-sign.

Football fans seem to be the worst for thinking that they can hurl whatever foul abuse they fancy at people,and yet if the object of their ire has the bare-faced cheek to respond,they come over all shocked and giddy. Armed with the ubiquitous mobile-phone footage,suitably edited,they scream about how disgusted they were at their target’s behaviour. Normally “My kids were there,they were shocked” normally comes in to it. Never mind that they’ve been screaming pure vitriol for the preceding hour,their target telling them to “Fuck Off” comes as shocking behaviour worthy of police investigation…and worse still,the police are obliged to listen to the morons.

I know that other sports have their hecklers,but no other sport has the same level of pure spite that football fans exhibit. The spite doesn’t bother me,what bothers me is the hypocrisy. For grown men they seem to be remarkably thin-skinned. Apparently the mildest of swear-words or gesture,if directed at them, is enough to send them into a fit of the vapours.

Fuck them.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

59 thoughts on “Football [5]

  1. Unless you were brought up with football you’ll never understand so I won’t bother trying to explain. However, I will say that it is growing into a cuntfest thanks to all the middle class arriviste with their executive boxes, prawn sandwiches and fucking Sky fucking Sports. Cunts support the big money teams they have no connection with and think that there is no football outside the Prem and football didn’t exist before 1992.
    Yes, if you weren’t around in the old days I can see why you think football fans are cunts……. because they are. Especially Palace, Millwall and West fucking Ham. Absolute fucking scum. Pure shit.
    PS When it comes to football cunts a special mention for that fake refugee loving, taxdodging slug, Lineker.

    • Agreed, Freddie… No point in bothering to explain why we like it or how it’s in the blood…. Either people like it or they don’t…. Of course the game is now tainted beyond redemption… Sky TV, foreign owners, knobhead fans, half/half scarves, selfie sticks, diving fancy dan foreign cunts, smaller clubs and boys clubs struggling financially, and -of course – the sickening shiffest that is women’s football gets millions thrown at it….

      I do hate a lot about what my club has become… Glazers (vermin), ET look-alike cunt Woodward, cunts with half/half scarves, chinky tourists infesting Old Trafford, celebrity ‘fan’ cunts like Zoe Ball, Rachel Riley, Angus Deayton etc, capitulating to the snowflake scum by getting a wimmins team, the ‘Class of 92’ becoming a ‘brand’ (and cunts), Mark ‘cunt’ Goldgridge, ‘lifelong Man U fan’ cunts on social media (usually foreign tosspots), those cunts Tufty Kilduff and Boyle, and any cunt who thinks MUFC and their history started in 1992… Oh, and that piece of defensive dog shit, Lindelof (the cunt!)…

      But I have my memories… Being on the Stretford End in its fearsome deafening prime, Merlin and Stevie Coppell on the wings, Pancho’s clenched fist salute, Sammy Mac, The Fonz is cool, but Buchan is cooler, Gerry ‘The Grey Ghost’ Daly the penalty king, tiptoe through the Kippax etc…. Now doesn’t come anywhere near… Cunts can yap on about statistics, ‘expert punditry’, fitness levels, a ‘higher standard’ and Lionel cunting Messi all they like… The game I knew and loved was a whole, a way of life… Club, players, and supporters as one… United, if you like… Now it’s corporate monsters, up themselves cry baby mardarse players, and stupid idiots who senselessly throw money and adulation at unworthy plastic gods who aren’t fit to lace Bestie’s drinks, never mind his boots….

  2. I also don’t understand where football fans get the idea that it is “their” club. Unless they are shareholders,it isn’t. It belongs to whoever coughed up the money for it. Some fans seem to think that Owners should listen to their views because they’ve been attending matches for years…well I’ve been using the same local butcher for years,but wouldn’t expect him to listen to my views on how he should run his business. If I didn’t like his product,I’d stop using him. I wouldn’t expect a Fans’forum where I could scream abuse at him and demand that he Fucks Off out of “our” butcher’s shop.

    No,until these fans scrape their pennies together,buy the club and pay the bills,they have no right to expect the club to be run as they see fit. Perhaps if they were as clever as they thought,they’d be the ones sitting in the Owner’s box and not just shouting about “our” club from the cheap seats.

    Fuck Off.

    • Africans and Asians (mainly Indians, Bangladeshis and all that) are especially terrible for that kind of attitude. They can barely even speak pidgin English yet they think they know better than us native Brits when it comes to the game…. Some people.

  3. But it IS our club. It’s not a fucking supermarket, you can’t just take your custom somewhere else. That’s what all these bastard foreign owners think, that’s why they call us “customers.” I said you wouldn’t understand and neither do they.

    • Tbf he does have a point when it comes to those scummy African fans and the like – especially the Man United ones.

      • Right about that… The thick as fuck Bogo Bogo cunts on Twatter and those Malaysian and Parking Stan Lee cunts and the like… ‘I life-lorng (sic) Man U fan! Me luv Manchesta (sic) Beckham is legend!… The cunts have never been near the fucking place (and that suits me)… As a Newton Heath lad I fucking despise these cunts…. One of these whoppers did a ‘Best 50 United goals of all time’ on Youtube… One Bestie goal (at about No. 15) was included as a token gesture, but the rest were all ‘Premier League’ era… Just one Bestie goal?! No Bobby, no King Denis, no Kiddo, no Pancho, no Hill or Coppell, no Super Sam, no Jimmy Greenhoff, no Sparky, Big Norm, Robbo… The cunt obviously put a Georgie goal in to make out he wasn’t a clueless cunt… But my verdict is damning… Tosspot… Foreign fucking nu-footie tosspot….

        Mind you, the British social media mongs aren’t much better… Tweets now coming back to haunt all the Twittermong half wits who said Mourinho was the answer….Cunts now blabbing, ‘Should have persisted with LVG…. Would be nicely settled now in his 4th season… At least he had a philosophy…. Mourinho’s just got his ego’. Which is what I said 2 fucking years ago! Cunts!

      • Imagine an LFC all time top 50 goals with no Dalglish, Rush, Keegan, Whelan, Souness, McDermott, Beardsley, Toshack, St John etc? Exactly…. The Post-1992 fan really is a special breed of cunt… The United and Pool ones are bad, but the Man City ones are particularly laughable… These cunts think Citeh’s history started in 2010, never mind 1992… All you hear is ‘Aguero’ and (little cunt) ‘Sterling’…. They know Colin Bell by name only, but mention Neil Young (not the hippy singer cunt), Ken or Peter Barnes, Roy Paul, Joe Corrigan, Dennis Tueart, Asa Hartford etc they just look clueless… A bit like these stupid wimmin who don’t know who founded the Me Too movement many years ago…. Fucking priceless…

  4. So many over inflated egos in football, on and off the pitch. The pathetic act of theatrical diving, the stupid haircuts, the posturing, the ‘my dick is bigger than your dick’ chanting. It’s all a bit of overpriced and overvalued bread and circus faggotry really, isn’t it?

    I make an exception for the world cup though as we get the chance to see some underdog teams with actual spirit show our overpriced cunt footballers up a bit.

    Plus Ronaldinho. Never dived. Brazilian flair and skill. Always tried without bitching. All with a genuine albeit ugly smile on his face. That was good to watch.

  5. Excellent Cunting. I have NEVER understood why people get so excited watching a bunch of half witted cunts kicking a ball around. There’s certainly something tribal about it.The fans and especially Sly Sports and pundits that drone on and on about it, saying stuff like off side ( what ever the fuck that is ) and at the end of the day their team should have won. One game IS the same as the other to me. Back in the 80’s I worked for a company that employed a bunch of ball brains and when I told them I didn’t watch football they got the boss to give me a hard talking to and that maybe I was a queer and the men don’t want to work with me ,and when I was at School we were made to stand in the icy cold weather freezing our bollocks off … why would anyone want to do that ???Another reason I hate football is that it tends to attract utter big mouthed opinionated aggressive cunts. A bit like me in this post.

  6. Cheers Cuntflap, cheers Dick – two beautifully written and highly entertaining Cuntings to start the day off – who could fucking ask for more?

    Unfortunately I know jack shit about football and care even less.

    Good morning.

  7. All I know about football is that a bunch of poofs paid insane amounts of money to run around a pitch, kicking a ball, and every so often falling over, then feigning the most life-threatening injury ever, do that.

    However, Eden Hazard, Ross Barkley and Jordan Pickford have incredibly delectable arses.

    • Do the players still have perms and snog each other whenever some cunt scores?
      On our telly, of a Saturday afternoon in the late ’60s and early ’70s, they couldn’t get enough of each other.

  8. Football, what a load of balls, if the two Nancy boys in the head and shoulders advert one with an alice band are anything to go by my life long hatred of the stupid game has been justified, cunty pansies.

  9. Good Morning Cunflap,
    I’d like to pick this cunting up and run with it – oh, sorry that’s a different version of football. You are correct in saying that hardly anyone knows about grammar but you would expect BBC luvvies to know the difference between a countable and an uncountable noun wouldn’t you? Not a bit of it – the amount of times they get it wrong is shocking. Ignorant cunts.

    • The amount of mistakes I are in their articles now is staggering. They’re becoming Buzzfeed.

      • Good evening OpinionatedCunt. Not knowing what it was I had to “google” Buzzfeed. There is no hope. I’m going to lie down in a darkened room.

  10. I am certainly less obsessed than I was. When my Geordie dad took me to see Leicester City in 1962, that was my team. They didn’t earn much more than my dad did. Some were part time players. There was a rapport and an affection. Liverpoo were nowhere to be seen. Manchester United, laughingly, didn’t even have a club crest on their shirts. Nobody gave a shit though really. Fast forward, Leicester City win the Premier League. The impossible happens. Massive deep joy in the tumlytilums. Yes most modern and mostly foreign players are overpaid thick as shit fashionista hipsters. The Real Ronaldo was a great player, the Wrong Ronaldo has morals worse than a dog, totally insane, like Beckham and far removed from the real world. For me the connection has gone but I’m still soft for Leicester City mainly through nostalgia. Sky fucked it up the cunts. Now it’s just wrong.

    • Ooooh…jumpers for goalposts, kids in the park..mmm…marvellous.
      Similar Mr Fistula, no characters or personalities in the game, fans are now just a cash cow, my mate goes to Germany and watches games in the Bundersliga, return flights, match ticket and a few beers for the price a decent PL game.

      • He won’t be able to do that after Brexit L.L… If nothing else there’ll be no flights!

      • Watching the monkey hangers Hartlepool Utd on wet a Tuesday it is then, the glamour.

      • Is there a difference between the French and monkeys? Perhaps the locals got it right. Only bad thing about Hartlepool is Mandelbum, the knob jockey. What a cunt!

      • Rumour has it that the night before that French monkey was hanged, his jailer took him into a tavern in that fair town, were he had some pleasure with the pot-wench.

        It is said that a well-known local MP, Lord M-, is descended from that very liaison. And, tbh, he DOES look rather simian…

  11. I have always thought it strange that no professional footballer will admit he is a shirtlifter, but for decades they have been running round with girly perms, shorts up above their butt cheeks and kissing and cuddling etc at the slightest excuse, the epitome of poofery I think it is all Alice In Wonderland, I don’t understand it, but I would like TV coverage to end to put that motherfucker Lineker out of work – he would just have to rely on his fucking crisps.

  12. No-one’s mentioned wimminz attempt at football yet, for some reason?!
    Obviously a load of laughable shit, but feast your peepers on this England bird (Toni Duggan):
    Now if she scored and started emulating the blokes, kissing and fondling other birds, our interest in wimminz football would go through the roof.

    • Afternoon Thomas.

      Have to agree – not mentioning women’s football is blatantly sexist. With any luck that sort of hate-speech-by-omission will soon be against the law.

      Nice photo btw, I once knew a similar lookin bird who played professional women’s rugby… ended up damaging her knees, silly bint.

    • I’d spurt me ball in her box, the other in her goal mouth. For a penalty she could have it up her arse.

      • Isn’t her hairstyle more commonly known as a Fulham Facelift around some parts of the capital?

  13. I love football, but cunts promoting mens grooming products, shampoo and releasing their own fragrances is just too much. This shit wouldn’t have happened a few years ago.

    “Chopper….the new fragrance from Ron Harris”……nah!

    Released my own fragrance recently, although nobody else in the lift seemed to like it….

  14. Footballers? Cunts. ‘Simulation’? It’s fucking cheating. Call a spade a fucking spade, you cunts. Fucking look at them! The latest craze these wankstains are doing is having their fucking socks pulled above their knees. What a bunch of fucking cunts. Why? Bunch of fucking poofters. Like a rugby three-quarter wearing a scrum cap.

  15. From the first time I was forced to play this bullshit cunt of a game at primary school in the 70’s I have absolutely fucking hated it.

    Fast forward to secondary school and it was a two mile walk to the local football pitches in sub zero temperatures and then t-shirt and shorts running around just to keep the frost bite at bay, while the fat cunt of a headmaster threatened anyone not seen as applying enough vigour with detention. All the while wrapped up in a sheepskin coat with a hat and gloves on….. The useless fat fucker.

    Fast forward another 30 years and I still hate ‘the beautifully moronic game’ with a passion that I usually reserve for muslims, murder monkeys, parking wardens and remainers.

    I fucking loathe football, football fans, cunts that talk about football in the pub and any other thick fuck who can’t comprehend that some of us blokes absolutely fucking hate football.

    Football can go and fuck itself.

  16. The sweetest memory of my childhood-getting my Georgie Best football boots. ‘And it’s Georgie on the wing…'(doing the commentary). Oh we played and played and played and played all day and into the night. Falling into bed knackered. Was I any good? I dummied the goalie and the ball went in. I once scored a goal fom the half-way line. I could keep the ball up… I didn’t tackle no and never ran back. Just me and the ball. Not a team player.

  17. The only people who don’t like football are nerds, Australians, uphill-gardeners, or private school cunts. Choose your group.

      • Not “or” Tommy, the 85% falls in to one of those categories. Are you a closet nerd?

    • We played rugger at my school ! fucking hate football clubs, paying some cunt millions a year and the poor cunt in the canteen who feeds the on minimum wage fucking scandalous.

      • We played rugby too, also hockey (which isn’t for the lads, you think, maybe? Try it sometime) and that aid to sleep standing up, cricket. Enjoyed playing the first two, although really shite at them, but watching them? Paint drying has the same appeal, and football even less. I can just about get interested for half an hour of League (we played Union), but that is it as far as sports go.

        Football fans? Blank incomprehension on my part, particularly when I look at who owns the major clubs. Do I really want to pay these cunts for the privilege of standing in a draught for 90 minutes? I do not.

  18. Football was once great. But greedy players, greedier agents, outlandish TV rights payments, ludicrous ticket prices, family-friendly ‘matchday experiences’ (a.k.a. rampant vapidity), corporate hospitality, modern stadia with less atmosphere than the Moon, owners with questionable backgrounds and degrees in Applied Cuntitude and the rise of the ignorant, sneering prawn sandwich brigade have combined to turn it into little more than a live-action soap opera for the middle class.

  19. If you think English football fans are trash, come up to Glasgow and watch a bunch of Rangers supporters staggering up the street, screeching and puking and screaming abuse at anyone who is not a blue-nose, bigoted, unionist Orange cunt. They make the Goths, Visigoths and Vandals look like a bunch of fairies. They are even more blooodthirsty and vondictive these days because their team no longer exists as it was wound up because it didn´t pay taxes. They now follow a mincing squad of Nancy boys that calls itself Rangers and is managed by archdick ex-Liverpool plodder Steven Gerrard.

    • Bollocks.

      Celtic fans are the ones you should be taking aim at: British-hating, IRA-loving, unwashed (what other club has ever felt it necessary to remind its fans about the need to attend to their personal hygiene) filth of the lowest order.

      They take the cake (without paying, of course) for bigotry too. Oh, how I enjoyed being referred to as ‘a dirty orange bastard’ by one of my bosses simply because I am not Roman Catholic* (typical of his sort, he backed off when I suggested that he and I ‘discuss’ the matter outside) and, my, didn’t I just love hearing plastic Paddies belt out IRA songs on the train home whenever Septic were playing at the San Giro? And then there was the time that a bunch of Oirish Celtic fans decided to surround me at Central Station due to their inability to distinguish a Scotland rugby top from a Rangers football top. Mind you, they (to use the technical term) crapped their undoubtedly already soiled undergarments when the rest of my rugby team arrived on the scene…

      There’s more I could say (especially about the elephant in the room) but, frankly, you ain’t worth the time.

      *For the record, my parents were married when I was conceived, I’m not and never have been a member of the Orange Order and I shower a damn sight more than any Celtic fan does (then again, so did Stig of the Dump)…

      • ‘An’ what team dae youse play fer, big fella?’
        (correctly judging that this is a coded question…) ‘Er, actually I’m an atheist.’
        ‘Aye, pal, but are ye a Protestant atheist or a Catholic atheist?’

  20. Can’t get on board with this one I’m afraid. I’ve loved football since I was 7, I always will love it and that’s an end to it for me.

  21. Premiership football fans are mostly stupid cunts. They spend upwards of a grand every season to go watch their team – and that doesn’t include food, drink, travelling expenses, and all the usual corporate bollocks with overly inflated prices. Taking a family of 4 to watch a Premiership game ain’t cheap, especially when it ends in a 0-0 boring draw.

    And yet these cunts lap it up, more so when they spend another ton or more for the latest home kit, which is only marginally different from last season’s but costs about £20 because it has an extra squiggly line on the chest. (Plus these stupid cunt fans are paying all that money for a kit while also giving free advertising to the shirt sponsor – normally one of the many gambling companies that are awash in the game)

    Fans are also so fickle – if their team lose a couple of games, it’s “sack the manager!” (even though the same manager has brought them unbridled success previously). Or, “we need to spend another £200m on players!” They say it like its Monopoly money, but then they bitch when they find out their season ticket for next season has gone up by 20% to pay for some of that 200 mill

    Give me lower league footie any day – it might be shit, but at least most of the 22 players have English sounding names.


  22. If you have posted without watching home and away matches and reading Hornby’s Fever Pitch then you are a C*** The EPL is the pinnacle of UK Cuntism and Manchester has a ‘special one’ at their Old Trafford Cuntdom. People that pay to watch this are therefore in the right place and can proudly bear the C moniker.

  23. I’d like to cunt all televised sport. Believe it or not, the entire public are not interested in watching hours on end of boring cunt sports such as golf, cricket, tennis, snooker, darts, athletics, olympics etc… put it on pay per view only you cunts.

  24. I’m a bit John Betjeman about tennis girls… As he remarked in a near end-of-life interview (in a wheelchair, suffering from Parkinson’s, and damgerously close to a Cornish cliff-top), “I regret never having had more sex.”

    I do too, especially with my favourite tennis girl…

  25. I could never understand why they make you play football in the Autumn / Winter, whilst freezing your bollocks off in a T-shirt and shorts, then make you play cricket in the blistering Summer heat, in a long sleeved jumper and trousers…

  26. ‘Money is ruining the game’. Yes, money is ruining the game itself. It’s too fast, too frenetic. The challenges are too challenging. Dribbles dribble out immediately. There’s no time for players to show their skill. You rarely see a lob, a chip or a volley. A long shot is (too much of) a long shot. It’s all scambling in the box. Goal!

  27. Triple Crown Weekend.
    Palace, Millwall and West Ham all lost! Happy days!
    Speaking of cunt sports what about cricket? Blatant cheating, to the point where some cunts have gone to prison for it. You play for hours all day, for five fucking days and end up with a draw! What kind of shit game is that?
    Yesterday England won a game and the other cunts didn’t even bat!!!! I reckon I could win a game on my own if the other side don’t get to bat! Fucking mental.

  28. It’s an abomination, it’s almost as bad as religion, I’ve seen it plenty of times, some poor cunt set upon because he’s wearing the colours of his attackers rivals. People mocking and making songs about tragedies(I’m looking at you Manchester and Liverpool!), grown men in their 40’s wearing a shirt with an 18 year olds name on the back.

    As for the players, silly self important wankers, in the old days if a player scored a goal they’d throw their hands in the air and run around a bit and get a congratulations from their teammate, these days they all have pre-arranged celebratory dances.

  29. “in the old days if a player scored a goal they’d throw their hands in the air and run around a bit and get a congratulations from their teammate, ”

    In the *old* old days they’d maybe get a slap on the back from a teammate as they promptly took position for the kickoff so as not to waste everyone’s time.

    (Subsidiary cunting for fat middle-aged men who think that rugby shirts are everyday wear.)

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