Earlier on today I was enjoying some time in my garden, and thought I’d take a look to see how my late cropping strawberries were doing. Flicking among the leaves, I came across four or five of these stripey little pests busily hollowing out the fruit. Before I could bat an eyelid, there were not one but two sharp stabs on my forearm and I got well and truly stung off the little bastards, who promptly beat it before I could even think about gaining revenge.
Now I appreciate that the more ecologically minded might consider that wasps get a bit of an unfair press. They’re part of the food chain (yes, believe it or not, some animals actually eat them), and they help in the important process of pollination. Up until now, it’s fair to say that I’ve been neutral as far as my views on the subject are concerned, but that was before I had two throbbing lumps on my arm the size of golf balls to contend with (think I might have an allergy).
No doubt about it; they’ll ruin your picnic, ruin your barbeque, ruin your fruit crop, and scare your grandkids if they get the chance, and that’s before they turn vicious. To add insult to injury I’m sitting here in my garden chair trying to console myself, and one of the wee fuckers has just nosedived into my glass of wine. As far as I’m concerned, wasps serve one purpose and one purpose only, and that’s to be a total fucking nuisance.
I’m off now to roll up yesterday’s newspaper and tape up the ends. Retribution is coming, and the cunts have proper asked for it.
Nominated by Ron Knee
Like most people keep my distance from wasps.
Fucking aggressive annoying little bastards especially when out on a lovely day and having a picnic.
My eldest daughter when on holiday with me and her younger sister, when camping at the foot of Mount Fuji was stung by a Japanese hornet- the sting penetrated a long sleeve blouse, which she was wearing under a denim jacket. Her arm swelled up and was almost one and a half times the size. Quite scary for her and very painful.
I have included a link to demonstrate the size of the Japanese hornet- really something you do not want to be stung by:
http://justfunfacts.com/interesting-facts-about-wasps/
The two things I detest (in the house) are flies (pointless, persistent, thick and annoying bleeders) and large house spiders. First one in the house night before last. Anyone who says that a spider is more scared of us than we are of them clearly does not know what they are talking about. Scary cunt.
10
Fucking hell Willie, that thing looks like it would take your arm off!
3
Horrible fuckers. Have had to destroy 2 nests in my eaves and even one in a compost bag in the shed.
They also prey on pollinator insects such as hover flies, which makes them double cunts for me.
I do enjoy killing the fuckers though.
7
Wasps are irritating little fuckers no doubt. But when I think of wasps, I’m more inclined to cunt the kind of silly twat that starts pulling out the ninja dance moves as soon as a wasp goes near them. Especially if it’s a big fella, there’s nothing more hilarious than watching some 6ft+ meat head flapping and and hopping around and gurning like some 6 year old girl in public. Sure fire way to obliterate any credibility in one hit, especially if there’s fit birds about.
13
About 20 years ago I had an invasion of wasps in my house and had to move out for a couple of days. I got fucking stung all over as l heroically tried to fend them off with a rolled up jizz mag ( remember those?….before tinternet for you millennials. I bet Sir Limply remembers them)
Anyway they had been attracted by a wooden window frame where the paint had cracked. They then attacked it to strip off the paint which they use to build their cunting nests. Even with the window shut the fuckers can still get in. That’s what the waspkiller bloke said anyway. So there’s a tip for you although I imagine wooden window frames are as rare as jizz mags these days.
Oh…..I must agree with Willie…..any arachnid ( I don’t like the S word ) who is scared of people has never met me and watched me scream like a snowflake and run like shit.
7
Jizz mags. Those were the days Fred. ‘Mayfair’ was my own aid to self abuse choice…
7
Rather liked Whitehouse with the late Mary Millington.
5
Colour Climax & New Cunts were more up my street.
5
I remember finding a stash of Mayfairs that my old man’s former workmate left behind in the garage…. One lady immediately springs to mind… Jenny Barnes…
2
Readers wives for me Norm. As a youth I could pull myself off all night looking at some cunts wife. There was just something that made RW like you were spying from the couples wardrobe – and a little more “obtainable” than the pro strippers /posers of the better known jazz mags.
3
I remember Health and Efficiency which pretended not to be a jizz mag but to show healthy, vigorous naked people playing games in a nudist camp. I grew up fit and healthy while wanking myself into premature blindness. Ah, the good old days!
3
Men Only, Club International and Fiesta, were my mags of choice from the local newsagents when I was nipper. Always had to buy a newspaper to put said mag inside. Unless it was The Sun, in which case I put it inside the mag!
4
My brother “accidentally fell” off a wall into a wasp’s nest in the neighbouring garden when he was 8.
Wasps are cool.
10
My arm is long and my vengeance is total…
6
Nothing more rewarding than an “accident” involving cuntish siblings RTC 😉
4
Ah yes, Whitehouse. I wonder what old Mary Whitehouse would make of Big Brother and Love Island? Slit her fucking wrists I reckon, although she would thoroughly approve of a load of cunts baking fucking cakes. Like the great British Public she would wet her knickers with excitement.
4
I was a quite a fan of Play Dames.
2
I saw some Special Needs kid trying to stamp on a bee and told him to stop.
He said “I don’t like bees.”
I said “Well, what do you like?”….
He said “I like doing women.”
I said “Pardon?”
He said “After school I like going to my favourite place, and do women”
Feeling rather concerned I asked. “Where is it exactly, where you ‘do’ women?”
He said “In the wimmin’ pool”….
9
On my old house there was an old timber birdbox full of cunting wasps.
I mixed up a home-made napalm from Vaseline with some unleaded stirred in with a spoon so it became a gloopy and flickable paste. With the aid of an old spoon I flicked wads of the fragrant paste at the birdbox whilst a few of the shits flew out of the hole having rumbled me.
A nice long firelighter saw the whole fucking shooting match go up like a tinderbox, incinerating dozens of wasps in the process.
Immensely satisfying.
9
Glad to see you used unleaded. Thinking of the environment.
3
Fucking brill
3
Hmmmm, interesting.
Good evening.
3
Write that recipe down and publish it on the net under……
How to Get Rid of Pikeys and Other Sponging Scum
Just to wind the snowflakes up obviously……….
4
If you left some sort of spirit lamp under a propane tank, how long would it be before lift-off ?
Just wondering…
1
I like the striped jersey wearing little feckers like GGB says they bring about a reaction far in excess of their size, makes me laugh like fuck to see people flapping and whirling like a dervish. Wait till they land grab em twixt your fingers and squeeze.
3
For all their notoriety, wasps have feeble bodies. Each section, head, thorax and abdomen is joined to the next section with just a thin thread.
With a deft twatting it is easy to knock one of thesr little cunts to three parts.
3
The wasp in the picture above looks like it’s got a scrotum as its middle thorax. That HAS to make it a bit testy.
1
Was at the jolly old seaside the other week and decided to stroll over to the ice cream van for a couple of 99’s for me and the wife. In front of me were two botty boys, one wandered off, leaving the other to get their flamboyant creations, which took a fucking age to put together, anyway while this major operation was being carried out a wasp appeared, it seemed to be attracted to the sweet toothed homosexual, who smelled like a tarts handbag, you’ve never seen a performance like it,cat leaps,flailing arms, whimpers and gasps, the soft cunt was on the verge of a major breakdown, the ice cream girl gave him a look of utter contempt, handed him his ice cream creations and he minced off at a rate of knots.
Cunt.
8
Blantant poofery. And I is a total gayer, me. Once snogged a darkie so I ain’t no racialist.
6
‘smelled like a tarts handbag’
Fucking love it Jack
3
Interesting how they even had the brass neck to make a legal application on the grounds he had no chance of winning. Presumably based on a precedent. Good on the judge for telling them to fuck off.
1
Wasps are chav bees. I’d happily see them exterminated.
Still, if I had to make a choice, I’d keep them in the world over mosquitoes.
Isn’t it funny how the first half of mosquitoes is ‘mosque’.
2
I’d keep wasps in the world over peacefuls…
4
That goes without saying Norman.
3
If they ceased to exist overnight somehow, the world would immediately become an ineffably much nicer place. The number one cause of world problems today is eye slime. After that, over-population by blambos not putting something on the end of it, then the entire left wing. If those three things could be solved, we’d have world peace.
4
Mosquitoes fuck em. They’re as bad as those little midge cunts they get up in Scotland. The day these two little bastard species are eradicated from the face of the planet will be a day to celebrate,my friend
1
I’m just waiting for the militant wing of ‘Save the Mozzy’ to threaten you with a law suit for genocide RK. Cunts!
2
Talking of horrible, nasty, and unwanted vermin… Come on Sweden! Time to start cleaning out the filth…
6
TicKs are: prevalent here along with severe headaches and neck stiffness. Rattlers and black widows. kids learn not to stick their hands in between the rocks quickly.
Additional EM rashes on other areas of the body.
Arthritis with severe joint pain and swelling, particularly the knees and other large joints.
Facial palsy (loss of muscle tone or droop on one or both sides of the face)
Beautiful. I hiffed a rattler over the neighbors fence once. Stopped the dog barking for weeks,
1
It is generally possible to avoid being stung by a wasp. It is generally impossible to avoid being stung by a honeybee in a bad mood*, or being bitten by midges. In addition I have sympathy for worker wasps, who spend their short lives ensuring that a privileged few queen larvae survive the coming winter, but themselves get chucked out of the nest when autumn comes, without so much as a state pension.
*Try using a strimmer within 50 yards of a hive if you doubt me.
1