Chelsea Tractors

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I do believe Chelsea Tractors, specifically in the guise of pick-up trucks, are well overdue a platinum-Grade cunting.

Primary specimens “VW Amarok” and “Toyota Hilux”.

Invariably these oversized road menaces are pristine clean, never having been within a hundred miles of a builder’s merchants for which they were primarily intended. Indeed the 30 year old, backwards-wearing baseball cap cunt near me and his kids (Benedict and Maisie of course) take great pride in polishing theirs to within an inch of its life every fucking weekend whilst chewing up the pavement / grass verges in their “fuck you” approach to parking it.

Needless to say these selfish cunts and their ilk come barrelling down narrow country lanes, expecting every other fucker to reverse to let them pass, use 1.5 supermarket car park spaces thus requiring a can opener to get in/out of your own vehicle should you have the misfortune to get them park next to you. Then there’s the fucking superior “down their noses from altitude look” when waiting next to you at the red lights or selfish loud banging of doors when returning home at 2am.

Of course as with so much this is down to that fucking third rate Canadian parvenu and his 0.25% interest rates making these things so affordable when they shouldn’t be.

Quite often too Tractors are the preferred mode of transport for Eastern European drug dealers ( blacked out windows; crap but loud rap music etc etc) with no discernible means of earning an honest crust. This itself should of course trigger some sort of enquiry from Plod as to how the cunts manage to afford the lifestyle but it’ll be a combo of illegality and defrauding the poor old taxpayer and they’d rather stitch me up for doing 35mph instead of 30mph instead.

The use of these Tonka Toy Pickup Trucks , SUVs , 4×4’s to drop off precious darlings to school, blocking narrow roads in sheer ignorance of other drivers or pedestrians and invariably piloted by yummy mummies scarcely able to touch the pedals beggars belief.

I never ever allow the following out of a junction

1. All the above types of vehicle
2. Sportscars
3. Foreign Plated cars
4. Anyone who’s ever been cunted on ISAC (sadly that means Parking Stanleys etc – you know who I mean and it’s a comprehensive list!)

So…..here’s a plague on these oversized cunts and the cunts who drive them!!

Nominated by Isaac Hunt

An overdue cunting for cunts who drive their chavmobiles with those huge fat loud exhaust pipes. It might make you think that you are king of the road, but you are just a cunt, and your poxy little chavved up Corsa won’t even have the power to pull the skin off a rice pudding. So, here’s wishing that you quickly end up wrapped around the nearest lampost. Oh yeah, and before you have your fatal collision, turn off your poxy fog lamps too.

Nominated by Mystic Maven

46 thoughts on “Chelsea Tractors”

  1. These wankers like to think that they’re cruising around in a huge V8 with a 0-60 time of under 5 seconds when in fact all they’ve got are sad 2 litre diesels with all the street cred and performance of a clapped-out lawn mower.

  2. Chelsea Tractors are like the EU referendum………you wait 41 years for one, then 2 come along at once.

  3. I totally agree with the cunting of Chelsea tractors as there are many about on the roads around my neck of the woods.
    But what pisses me off more are the farmer cunts that frequent my roads in their £80.000 tractors.
    From work I travel from one town to the next, which is eight miles and more often than not you get one of these stinking cunt mobiles doing 20 mph in front of you with about 30 cars following in tow. Do they pull over, do they fuck. When and if I manage to overtake, I give the farmer cunt a friendly hoot and middle finger .. cunts

  4. The car of choice for the Iron Curtain drug-dealer. It’s comically ironic how these cunts spend masses on over-compensating, vulgar jalopies, yet live five in a studio flat like rats and at their pikey supermarket of choice, count coins at the till like a fumbling widow through threadbare gloves.

    • I live in a suburb of Leicester, not at all posh, but Range Rovers are as common as shit round here. Unfortunately, that means that so are the cunts that drive them.

    • Hey Tony, not all us hairdressers have Range rovers. I’ve got a pretty light blue Citroen C1.
      I do look a cunt in it though as I’m six foot two inches.
      Will save for a white Range rover.
      How much are they again.

      • At present rates (according to my in-depth survey of wimmin) a new Range Rover comes in at about three shampoo and blow dries, two Supercuts (whatever the fuck they are) and one colour treatment.

  8. Labour conference going into mass wanking / frigging mode as Jezza gets all hysterical. Some cunt displaying a Palestinian flag.
    Pity the poor eastern European cleaners who have to mop up all the jizz and cunt juice.
    Lovely.
    Good afternoon.

    • “Fool the many not the few”

      Prescunt just received a name check and auto-applause – phoney fat slimeball cunt.

      Flabbott appears to be on a completely different planet… long may she remain there.

      • Ruff Tuff, you quoted a verse from King Crimsons Epitaph in an earlier post. Well here’s another from that amazing piece of music that’s very relevant to the current state of affairs.

        THE FATE OF ALL MANKIND I SEE IS IN THE HANDS OF FOOLS.

        King Crimson 1969.

      • Too right Fenton – we tend to forget ’twas ever thus… though rarely so transparently obvious as it is today!

  9. A golden oldie.

    Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

    “Give me your tiara, Ma’am,” demanded the robber.

    “I’m sorry,” replied the Queen. “I did not wear my tiara today.”

    “Well then, give me your ring, your highness!” demanded the robber.

    “I’m sorry, but I didn’t wear my ring today,” replied the Princess.

    Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Range Rover getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

    After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, “I thought that you wore your tiara today?”

    “But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place.”

    The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, “And you – I thought you wore your ring today?”

    “I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place.”

    At this point the chauffeur interjected, “It’s a shame, Ma’am, that Princess Margaret wasn’t with us, we could have saved the Range Rover”.

    Many years later and on reflection realise Prncess Diana could have probably saved the Range Rover if she had tried a bit harder.

  10. There should be a new rule for all car parks that stipulates Chelsea Tractors must use the top floor only. Parking spaces will remain the same size as now, which is generally just large enough to park a mini in and open one door about half way.

    And if there is only ground level parking, well then tough luck. Come back with a regular sized car ya cunt!

  11. Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho says he has “no problem” with Paul Pogba despite telling the midfielder he will not captain the club again.

    Mourinho told Pogba he is no longer United’s “second captain”, reportedly because of concerns about his attitude.

    “The only truth is that I made the decision for him not to be second captain any more but there is no fallout, no problem,” Mourinho said.

    “I am the manager I can make these decisions.”

    Does anyone understand what the fuck he is on about? Perhaps he banged his head with his recent fall?

    • Might I be allowed to explain it, Willie? Mourinho (why does everybody refer to him as José?) suffers from a disease which has strongly afflicted him throughout his life.

      Being a cunt.

  12. Sky News:- (the exact wording) ‘Girlguides shouldn’t be afraid of a Transgender member’. Oh, I think they should be.

  14. Doesn’t that cheeky scallywag Dick Fiddler drive around Northumberland in one of these bendermobiles?

    • He has mentioned more than once of frightening nervous elderly drivers into hedges when out on the tractor, it’ll probably be a Countryfile segment in the near future with traumatised said cunts and a helpline.

    • Nothing as common as a Range-Rover, Mr. Cunt-Engine, although I must admit that I do have something rather similar. Not that it gets much use apart from when I go to the races. I tend to use the Hilux or even the tractor for most things.
      I can’t understand where people get the idea that big 4x4s are dear to run. I’ve always run my vehicles on red diesel which is actually remarkably cheap.Don’t know why more of these people who are constantly moaning about the cost of fuel don’t do the same. Wastrels.
      I noticed that Katie Price is selling her bright pink Range-Rover, must find out how much she wants for it….may have to get the interior changed, her snail-trail will probably have rotted the seats. Still, at least the windows should be clean if she’s been transporting Harvey about in it.

  15. A ‘transgender member’. No a ‘transgender’s member’ that’s right. Not it isn’t. He’s had his member cut off. As well as his balls.

  16. Isn’t girl guiding supposed to be about wholesome activities? Led by wholesome people? If akala has had his genitals cut off that’s the one thing he’s not-WHOLEsome.

  17. Brexit poll suggests Ipswich backs second vote

    A survey run by Suffolk EU Alliance has claimed to show an appetite for a second referendum in Ipswich.

    A Suffolk-based EU campaign group has quizzed the people of Ipswich on Brexit, in the latest of several events designed to gauge public opinion across the county.

    On Saturday, September 22, Suffolk EU Alliance set up a stall and interactive survey opposite the town hall – which they claim uncovered an appetite for a second referendum on the streets of Ipswich.

    People from all walks of life were encouraged to have their say by putting stickers on the question sheet, indicating how they felt the Government was handling negotiations and whether the final deal should be put back into the hands of the people.

    The organisation estimates ROUGHLY 160 people took part. Not exactly, but ROUGHLY. Usually polls have an “exact” number or participants FFS.

    In the EU referendum in June 2016, 91,648 people were eligible to vote in Ipswich, there was a 72.4% turnout:

    38,655 (or 58.3%) voted to LEAVE
    27,698 (or 41.7%) voted to REMAIN

    A clear indication that the peoples of Ipswich want to LEAVE the EU.

    This latest “poll” asks “ROUGHLY” 160 people (out of 91,648) or 0.174% of the Ipswich electorate. Or in other words FUCK ALL. And this 0.174% Micky Mouse survey is supposedly representative of over 90,000 people? BOLLOCKS IT IS.

    I do not have much confidence in Polls, nor do I have any confidence in the local toilet rag that calls itself a newspaper (especially as the same clowns aka Suffolk EU Alliance held a march in Ipswich earlier in the year, in which about 200 people turned up, the initial press article described as many hundreds, then in a later issue several thousand) to cover the story without REMAIN bias.

    Since 2016, things have become much worse in Ipswich, with crime, anti social behaviour and the number of Eastern Europeans all increasing significantly, and I do not believe FOR A SINGLE FUCKING SECOND that anyone who voted to LEAVE the first time would EVER change their mind. In fact I do know several people who voted to REMAIN in the initial referendum, who would now vote to LEAVE.

    People in Ipswich are fed up with what is happening here as evidenced in the referendum proper, and from what I can and who I have spoken to NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

    I wrote to my local labour MP (Sandy Martin) asking him why he has campaigned to REMAIN in the EU when the majority of people in Ipswich (his constituents) voted to LEAVE, and why he was defying the Labour manifesto promise. Do you know, he never even had the courtesy or decency to respond.

    • Polls never tell you what the score is, they’re only their to try and influence it. Especially if it’s gov run or on the mainstream media.

      Unless they poll 100% of people I will never give a flying fuck what they claim.

    • Cunts who voted Remain should have ZERO SAY as to whether a 2nd (3rd) IN/OUT Referendum should be held.

      The only cunts who could legitimately push for a fresh referendum (including Remain as an option before we’ve left) would be those who voted Leave in the first place and have changed their mind. I haven’t noticed the slightest appetite for that amongst the ranks of Brexiteers & Leavers.

      So fuck off you Remoaner losers – if you want to campaign to rejoin the EU once the will of the people has been safely carried out and we’ve left, then fine. But you won’t get any support from me, and I speak as someone who originally voted Remain.

      Cunts.

  18. I’ve got confused. It’s Brown Owl. Akala is in charge of the cubs. So if Akala wants to become Brown Owl he chops his genetalia off and dresses as a woman. Ok, that’s clear. But what if Brown Owl wants to become Akala? She cannot surely be expected to wear a prosthetic penis and balls. That would be intolerable. Is there discrimination there? These important things should be spelt out clearly in their respective rulebooks.

  19. I shit in empty Walkers crisp packets and post them to Gary Lineker. The Post Office never complain about that.

  20. I hate these fuckers. Even more, I hate the supercilious pricks who own them, with their ‘oh look at little you in your little Dacia’ expression as they hurtle by with precious Tarquin and Barbarella perched in the back. Cunts, I believe they’re referred to.

  21. The only Range Rover I would ever own would be a classic ’70s S1 with plastic seats, rubber mats and a rumbling petrol V8.

    The modern incarnation is the bastard grandchild of the original. If the late designer of the original, the great David Bache, knew how the car would become the poseur prick’s choice of vehicle, he would likely have given it the A series engine from the Mini fucking Metro.

  22. This from today’s Leicester Mercury (mistakes in spelling and syntax courtesy of the lousy reporting):

    An anti-crime campaigner has revealed how thieves used a widely available electronic device to steal his car from his driveway in less than a minute.

    Zuffar Haq’s Range Rover was stolen from the driveway of his Oadby home in the early hours of Thursday.

    The thieves used an transmitter which sent a signal to the vehicle’s key fob inside the house and triggered it to open the vehicle.

    They were then able to start the keyless vehicle by pressing its ignition button.

    • Anyone who has a range rover and is not a footballer or banker is doing something very dodgy. Likely drugs, perhaps prostitution, probably money laundering, at the very least not paying tax. You could buy 2 houses in some parts of the country for just one of those things…. I’m deeply suspicious of people with unexplainable wealth. Even more suspicious of people with 200 grand motors, living in 100 grand houses and never seen going to work, except at night for a couple of hours. There’s a couple just in my street alone – one works in a bar, part time. Rents the house – Jamaican holiday 4 times a year, likely comes back with a big suitcase of coke. The other (Mr singh/Patel whatever) has an Audi r8 , range rover and 7 series – never seen him go to work.

      At the end of the day, it’s us they are robbing.

  23. Funniest story a mate told me of a meeting in a busy Lincolnshire town of a BMW X5 and an oncoming tractor and trailer. There wasn’t room to pass, so one of the parties would have to reverse. The woman in the Chelsea tractor refused, as did the farmer (reversing big trailer impossible). Eventually, the farmer lost patience. Having flashed 5 4 3 2 1 with his hand, he pressed go and the trailer scrapped down the side of the pristine behemoth.

    • The rural idyll that is my part of Lincolnshire has many narrow roads and a fair few examples of big farming machinery. Bottom line I always give way to them. Why not they are working I am out for a trip to shops or something. Once I reversed about 1/2 mile till I found a gateway to pull into (fucking heroic what!). I have adjudicated during a heated discussion between driver of tractor pulling large trailer of bales and a retard driving a small Ford who was certain he had right of way. Took a while but said driver eventually realised with my assistance, reversing 40 odd yards to farm entrance and allowing tractor to pass was not only sensible but easy. Problem solved. Bloody tourist no doubt.

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