Barbecue lovers

Barbecue lovers are cunt…
For once we get a bit of decent weather, so one hopes to do a bit of quiet gardening and the like… Some fucking hope… There’s always some cunts who get out the barbecue as soon as it hits 20 degrees… They invite a load of other cunts (who they usually hate and fight with when pissed on a night out), the wimmin just yadder endless babbling shite, they play horrendous music, there’s loads of shittty kids in tow, a screeching baby, and, of course, the bloke who ‘takes over’ when it’s barbi time, but does fuck all cooking for the rest of the year… Said cunt talks very loudly in a ‘Look at me! I’m in charge!’ way with all that ‘Order up!’ and ‘It’s ready, guys!’ bollocks… They can fuck the frig right off…

Nominated by, Norman

61 thoughts on “Barbecue lovers

  1. I must admit that I am a barbeque loving cunt but I’m antisocial so I don’t invite any other cunt round.

    I love sitting in the garden with a book and fire the Barbie up.

    ….getting hammered and eating burgers is great!
    Though I do tend to get the shits afterwards as I’m a terrible cook.

    Also, you have to make the most of the nice weather coz it don’t last long. Leaf blowing and jet washing cunts are the worst when it’s hot…. they can definitely get fucked.

    • …. and lawn mowing cunts.
      Mow when it’s overcast NOT when I’m trying to read a fucking book in the sun.
      Said cunt usually decides after finishing the moving and jet washing the patio, to do some diy so then there’s banging and drilling going on….

      I’ve moved now. Thank fuck.

    • Likewise DTS. I love Barbies, but I am the only attendee! Norman suffers the same irritations as me, we have a family across the road who Barbie frequently, and invite all 4000 of their cousins! The lawn at the side of the house is where they tether the goats , and the racket from all this bangla bonga drives me fucking nuts. Noise and abatement don’t want to know, and Plod are not interested in the fleets of untaxed taxis parked along the street.
      It has been suggested to me that a pork sausage up the goats arse ruins their day !

      • I agree but Norman forgot to mention the extra thing you get – the stench coming across the garden fence. A smell so repulsive it smells worse than a zoo keepers boots. He is totally right in all he says, my chavvy neighbours had one yesterday and yet another this fucking afternoon. It doesn’t help that the *lady* of the house is morbidly obese and yells more than a RSM on the parade ground. Greedy old lardarse she is.

      • Used to have to do my home-made burgers on an electric barbie on the balcony, when I lived in Switzerland, as wife would gladly eat them, but hated them being grilled in the kitchen…
        But it was worth it, in the ling run, and…just the two of us an plenty of wine.

    • “I must admit that I’m a barbecue loving cunt but I’m antisocial so I don’t invite any other cunt round”

      Brilliant DTS.

      For me at least that gets to the nub of what ‘cunting’ and being a ‘cunter’ is all about.

    • I love a bbq. I do it at every opportunity. It’s maybe because I’m Seffrican. It’s in our blood. Over in SA they even have a national bbq day ! They call it a braai. Anybody who has visited over there has been to a braai. It’s an event. Starts early afternoon with the intention of eating early evening. No doubt food is served closer to midnight. All the ladies get the hump because the boys are more focused on the beers and sport on TV.
      Most of us Saffers are quite good at it. So I’m usually that cunt that takes over because everyone else is pissed and I fucking hate over cooked steak !
      Anyway that’s how we roll. BBQ as often as you can because life is short and one day you’ll only be able to eat soup..

      • I do rate a siff ifrcan. What’s going on with the water shortage in J’berg and the ‘appropriation’ of the farms, CV? Very little on either getting out into the MSM.

      • Yes, sethficans with their Biltong, 20 foot sausages and 12-hour braais. The one I attended was run by a damaged Angola veteran who left the cooking to others so he could get pissed and pick fights with the guests!

  2. Barbecues are fine, but only if someone else is doing it.

    Had a go once when we invited some people over.
    Had these bags of charcoal that you start by lighting the corner of the bag. Few minutes in, doesn’t look enough charcoal so I throw another bag on.
    Bag no.2 hits the hot charcoal, air inside immediately expands, bag explodes showering some guests with charcoal of varying temperatures.

    Pie ‘n’ chips all round….

    • Unfit for human consumption. Feed only to SNP and similarly minded sub-primate vermin.

      • That maybe so, but we cannot afford to let certain cuntic chemicals from their brains slip into the human food chain. We could end up with an electorate made up of snowflakes…

        Hey… wait a minute!

  3. Can I be the first to cunt those violent little scouse fuckers who are currently engaged in making death threats to one of their players because he had a bad game. Utter pond life/

    • They really are the end, aren’t they?

      Another aspect of their deranged behaviour is their insistence that they lost because their alleged best player got injured and had to go off and their goalie had a ‘mare. The inference being had said best player stayed on the pitch and the goalie had played well, they would have won. So let’s just gloss over the fact they were playing REAL MADRID for fuck’s sake. The club who have won the previous two finals, have world class players in almost every position and know how to get the job done. The sheer arrogance of these cunts is jaw dropping.

    • Chances are they’ll still be banging on about it in 20 years …. public enquiries … protests ….
      Kkkhhhhaaaaam down u cunts.

      😁

  4. Always amusing when the ‘chef’ claims he’s done a lot with this primitive setup and deserves a rapturous applause. Mate, it’s fire and food. And 90% of the time is you fannying around whilst the coals heat up. And inevitably they fuck up the actual cooking part. Master the art of toast first before you carbonize some good meat you cunt.

    And all these gas grills too. Douchey McCunt ex banker next door has one on his half acre of shite homebase decking. Wouldn’t want to get a bit of coal on your monthly jetwashed decking now would we, cunt. I reckon he’s related to James O’Brien.

  5. I am a true cunt. I have a built-in barby or braai as we call it the garden. I do all the cooking, cunt in charge if you like. It’s the only time I am allowed a beer in the daytime. Always use wood or charcoal. Gas is for girls.
    I consider myself well and truly cunted. Cheers Norman.

    • I am well controlled by Mrs Cuntbubble who doesn’t drink so the only time I can get a cold one down in daylight without ear ache is when I am at the bbq.
      Such is life.

      • potential mrs B mkIII doesn’t drink either, unfortunately due to health reasons I am not allowed my “happy tabs” and alcohol is very beneficial to us both as it chills me out, I can still get a hard on and I become a lecherous lying cunt so lots of hanky panky!

      • Fucking hell Cuntsable ! Did you misplace your trousers ! Lol. I’m not a heavy drinker but I’ll have beer for breakfast if I want to.
        Now my missus she loves a braai as well. I agree with you about that gas thingy because that’s a bbq, not a braai. Perhaps she likes it because she doesn’t have to do the cooking.
        If I knew where you were I would say “Hey boet, kom laat ons braai, sommer nou voor die weer kak word.”

      • CV.
        It’s worse than you think. I do all the cooking, cleaning and washing as well. I’m retired but she has to soldier on until 66. Which contributes to the holidays and my drinking expeditions to RSA.
        We are in Lincolnshire but lived in Durban – Cowies Hill if you know the area.
        And any time you want a braai give me a shout. I do an 8 beer braai. 9 if she’s not watching.

  6. Did you know that you can buy a “barbecue belt”? This is a belt with hooks on to dangle the various “tools” from and it has a compartment to hold a can of beer.
    What sort of wanker seeks out, buys and wears such an item? You may aswell tattoo CUNT across your forehead.
    Do cunts really say “order up”? That’s a new one on me. I shall look out for that one. The influence of all those wanky cooking programmes no doubt.

    • Sounds like something out of one of those cheesy American “comedy” films starring cunty Will Ferrell.

    • The only tool I wanna hang is the kind of tool that buys a fuckin barbeque belt.

  7. Loath and abominate the “Beach Barbie” and the stench orf charred orn the oitside raw orn the inside Asda “Barbecue Pack” burgers drifting like a gas attack over no man’s land. Chavs leave behind those bastard aluminium trays and an invisible hot spot on the pebbles to trap and burn the feet orf little kiddies and rat arsed dogs.

  8. Barbecues are alright when you’re with a few mates having a bit of a knees up but when you have to deal with all those random boring fuckwits talking about their kid’s school play it’s a nightmare. As Norman said, billy big bollocks giving it large flipping the burgers can fuck off. Once he’s served up stick him on there for a nice slow painful cook and feed him to the dogs. Plonker.

  9. It’s the cunts that barbecue and don’t drink that fucking fuck me right off. Getting pissed and yelling I can understand. Do it at least twice a week and three times on Saturdays but I make damn sure I is not grilling at the time. That’s where shit can go wrong and anybody who has burned their eyebrows once knows this or they can fuck right off to be consigned to the history books, Aka Darwin’s theory.
    It’s the fucking sanctimonious sober arse cunts that get a bright look in their eye and grill vegan steaks while their six kids play Rush Hour like the Snowflake Generation offspring they are that fuck me off. What the fuck is a vegan steak and why kids of today play “challenging” games made out of a mountain of fucking plastic beats the fuck outta me! My generation played cards.

    Leave the barbequing to the pros who grill real fucking steaks.

  10. I’ve lost count of the number of BBQs I’ve bought, used a few times then let rust away in the garage. Not doing that again. I’ll go to someone else’s BBQ if invited, but never again will I fire up one of my own. Too much hassle and I’m crap at it anyway. Plus the BBQ restaurants and hole-in-the-wall type places around where I live are amazing, so why bother?

    BBQs are fine as it goes. It’s the loud and obnoxious behaviour that goes with it is what grates on my nerves. It seems like a BBQ is to some, a free license to be a cunt to everyone else around you. Cunts.

  11. I don’t have a barbeque, but normally end up doing the cooking when invited to certain peoples houses because unlike them I am familiar with the concept of cooking and cooking times, temperature control by raising or lowering food and not serving burnt sausages that are raw inside, ditto parboiling the pork and the occasional sneaking stuff into the microwave to give it that head start.
    The idea of the barbeque is to add flavour to food so some soaked wood chip also helps.
    What I particularly hate is the cunts with what equates to an outside gas cooker who still manage to fuck it all up, luke warm beer, burnt raw processed meat a bread roll (with the wrapper blowing round the garden somewhere) and some kind of shitty barbecue sauce (oh fuck and the screaming kids running round hitting each other with brightly coloured bits of plastic whilst mum updates her facebook)

  12. Here’s one for you. Last year we gave £64 million in aid to Rwanda. Fair enough, starving Africans and all that…..sob, sob, sob.
    Now the Rwandan government has given £10 million to Arsenal for having “Visit Rwanda” on their shirt sleeves and pitch side advertising, plus, of course, free tickets and slap up matchday hospitality for certain “officials” in London. Lovely.
    Isn’t it nice to know our money is going to fat cat Africans and Arsenal Fucking Football Club.
    Starving millions? Fuck ‘em

    • Maybe Arsenil can use that money to relocate back to fucking south London where they belong. Yeah that’s right, piss off back to Woolwich you bunch of shit stain cunts. And take your fucking library with you. Loathsome reptiles of puke.

  13. The BBQ on our back patio hasn’t been used for over 5 years now! You see, the Chinese culture doesn’t really like BBQs and I’m happily married into that culture.
    You don’t EVER see them yobbing off in their back gardens, you don’t EVER hear them playing that fucking hip hop rap shit at gale force ten.
    They are a respectful people in general, they don’t eat great fucking chunks of meat or slosh down cans of Heinekoon, they’re not so fucking stupid as to spend their welfare money to get tattoos up their necks.
    They don’t want to pick a fight with anyone they see but they openly dislike certain races and religions (you all will know who the fuck they are) and won’t mix with them.Nobody accuses them of being racists.
    I’ve learned a lot about harmony and minding your own business from the Chinese people we meet.
    Did I start off with BBQ’s? sorry I got sidetracked. I enjoy them out in the park or at festivals , otherwise cook the food on the stove!

  14. I am a Bar-B-Q lover. I am a cunt.

    I have a grill and a smoker and love to do both.

    😀

      • Thank you Cuntstable. You are invited to a cook out (as we call it) any time.

        By the way…we take requests…chicken…ribs…brisket….burgers…hot dogs…some combination thereof…we do all of them.

        Depending on the main course we do sides too! Along with coffee and desert. We’ve even been know to have a cold one or two and maybe even take a touch in the evening.

        Come on by anytime my friend.

        😀. 🇺🇸 🍽 🍔. 🌭 🍖 🌽 🍰 🍺 🍹

  15. It is Memorial Day here in the states…a holiday that traditionally involves Bar-B-Q. However, I’m right in the middle of Alberto’s path and it is already raining.

    😞

    • Sorry to hear that General. It’s 86, sunny, light breeze and well yeah, 67% humidity where I am. But I’m about to workout outside, so the hotter and steamier the better. Then I’ll qualify for several margaritas to replace those calories. 🙂

      Speaking of Memorial Day, I’ve always felt the Yanks do a piss poor job of recognising what the day is about. Remembrance Sunday in the UK is a major thing. Memorial Day in Yankland seems to be a free day off and that’s about it. Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places and it is a big deal after all?

      • @IY

        We do a fucking horrible job of celebrating Memorial Day! Most Americunts don’t have a clue as to what this Holiday is all about. It’s just a day off and a reason to drink beer. Fucking cunts!

        This morning…at my new abode “way down south in Dixie”…we started the day by raising Old Glory to recorded bugle music. Then a recording of The Stat Spangled Banner, followed by a moment of silence.

        Later it started fucking raining and I went out an lowered the flag.

        🇺🇸

    • Poor cunt. Sunny as fuck here on the west Coast. No barbecue today. Hubby cooked a shite load of curry yesterday. Just need to make the naan bread and raita. Have three Mexicans cleaning the house. Expecting fifty over.

      • @CA

        Better get some Tecate!

        🍺. 🇲🇽

        Apparently, you didn’t read my other posts.

      • Are they moving in? Must say I’m impressed with your stance on immigration. Maybe give Lily Mong and Lineker a call to see if they’ll join in. 🙂

      • Hey IY

        Not getting those remarks at all. Don’t know the people so I have no frame of reference.

        Not sure whose stance on immigration you are admiring or why?

      • Sorry General. CaliAngel wrote, “Have three Mexicans cleaning the house. Expecting fifty over.”

        It sounded like she was expecting another 50 Mexican over to her house. Rather than expecting 50 guests for her curry fest, which I’m sure is what she meant.

        The Lily Mong & Lineker reference was a piss take based upon their virtual signalling about taking in more immigrants. Which of course they haven’t and never will, but there was our CaliAngel taking in 50 Mexicans. 🙂

        Like I always say, if you have to explain it, then it wasn’t that funny. It tickled me though – I’m simple that way. All the best – I.Y.

  16. Hot weather is shite, does my tits in, I’ve just come off a 5 day shift of boiling hot motorway driving and all sorts of cunts going away for the weekend in their caravans, thank shite I’m off for a week now and the bad weather will hopefully be back on Monday.

    Did we even have a spring season this year?

      • More like a week! At least in our neck of the woods (SE).

        Hang on in there Cuntypants, it’ll no doubt be cold and miserable again in June…

  17. My cousin does a mean barbie. He pre-cooks most of the food while the coals nicely get down to the cooking embers.

    He chucks a mix on that looks like sawdust (but is some hickory chips mixed with mesquite) then places the items to finish off/smoke in the barbie.

    10mins later you have beautifully cooked burgers, chicken steaks, sausages, chorizo & scallop skewers, all with the proper barbie finish and smokiness. Hmmm… fucking lush!

    The best thing about his barbies though is it’s just me, him, my Aunt & Uncle. Couple of bottles of fizz, few bottles of beer and a few rolly tabs. High hedges all round. No music just conversation and not a mobile in sight.

    Absolute fucking bliss!

  18. If we flung a few trannys , queers, gays and gender fluid wanks on a grill.. would it be an LGBTBBQ?

  19. Call me a cynical cunt but this story coming out of France and this Malian “Le Spider-Man” seems somewhat staged. Swinging from balcony to balcony he saves a 4 year old hanging from one of these balconies. The father is being prosecuted for leaving his child alone. A migrant that shouldn’t have left Italy is now being courted by that French cunt Macron and now looks like being given his papers to stay.

    • It has to be staged ginger! A black man foolishly risking his life to save a child yeah right thats believable nice try george soros
      whats next a polarbear gone vegan? world gone mad m8

  20. Well it turns out I is a BBQ loving cunt as well and I would like to cunt the cunts that don’t seem to understand that we live in the UK…. So on the rare occasion the weather is good you take full advantage you stupid cunts and fuck the neighbours after all they have been cunts all year……so suck on my chocolate salted balls you quarn eating cunts………

    • I usually BBQ when its too hot to cook in the kitchen throw a few burgers, smokies and steaks on the grill. I like a good BBQ every now and then.

      Its everyday loud chavy bbq cunts that I hate and I sympathise in normans cunting

  21. Purely by accident, caught the end of Britain’s Goy Talent.
    D-Day Darling and the WWII Veterans got a hell of a lot of appreciation.
    I’m surprised some snoflake bastard didn’t pull the plug on the transmission…

  22. I live in Australia the home of the Barbie mate so its fucking barbies galore mate every fucking weekend all fucking summer.
    But i don’t give a fuck i have never and will never own one of the things but will happily turn up week in week out at some other cunts house to drink their beer and eat their food get fucking hammered shout my fucking head off act the cunt then fall asleep in an outdoor chair while being eaten alive by mozzies like the true pommie cunt i am

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