Smart Motorways

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Smart motorway? Really? Not when you have outsourced the operation of the gantries to Mis Tilly’s Remedial Class of retards is isn’t.

Lane Closed – Broken Down Lorry. Only if the lorry is an invisible one driven by the Retard’s imaginary friend carrying a full load of air it is you cunts.

Queue ahead – 40 mph – no – queue of traffic driving at 40mph here you cunts – open empty road lies ahead.

What happens – set the gantries and then the retards get put down for nap time or an English lesson made up of rearranging alphabettie spaghetti? Checked the jam cams when I got in – the restrictions are still in place 45 mins later.

I would check again but would end up putting my fist through the computer screen.

Smart Motorway? Retarded Motorway more like.

Nominated by Proper Cunt

Variable Speed Limit Motorways

Rant section: Ok I have had enough. If controlling the flow of traffic can make it all run smoother fine, do it. But that’s not enough is it? It is never enough.

If you have a variable speed limit that means that you can change the legal speed limit and enforce it with courts and databases and you have no choice but to obey or be fined.

Why do that? To control the flow of traffic to make it more efficient? Ok fine as we have said.

To make up for the fact that you have made an extra lane by changing the purpose of the hard shoulder? Ok bullshit but let’s let that slide.

To fucking well slow everyone down because there has been a “report” of some possible hazard, over an unreasonably huge area? No, fuck that you cunts.

Anecdote section:

So, last week I was driving up the M23 to M25 and the heading east along the M25. More than 5 miles before the junction there is a warning sign “Report of pedestrians”. And an advisory (yellow sign) speed limit. Yeah whatever.

As soon as I hit the M25 this advisory limit becomes a legal temporary limit of 50, and it continues for a further 13 miles to Junction 5. WTAF.

I then returned along the same stretch of the M25 going now west, the signs and limit is still there all the way back and then further on towards Leatherhead.

Why? I never saw anyone? Thousands of people had to slow down and worry which stupid cameras actually work for nothing. And I mean worry because when the pathetic signs that aren’t above the gantries say “40” for no bloody good reason and everyone stays at 55, you wonder if anyone gives a shit any more.

But no it’s not enough. Not only had this happened the week before on a small stretch of the M1, but today on the M3 where they have spent hundreds of millions of pounds over 3 years to remove the solid line of paint from the hard shoulder and stick up some more stupid signs, there was another one “report of debris”.

There wasn’t any fucking debris, there was another pointless 50 mph limit, which inexplicably changed to 40. There was also some power crazed moron in some office somewhere more than happy to press a couple of buttons and slow down thousands of people for the sake of hearsay.

Giving power to bureaucrats ostensibly concerned with safety to lord it over thousands of people has never been a good idea, and nor is it in this case. I know how understanding fluid dynamics and applying them to traffic flow can speed the motorway up, but if you’re going to slow everyone down in a 20 mile radius every time there is a “report” of something, with no fucking evidence, then there’s no bloody point is there. How did we cope before anyway? I’ll tell you what there is a report of, there is a report of cunts fucking around with our motorways for everyone else’s “good” because somebody gave them a button and a big sign. Fuck these cunts!

Nominated by Cunting Rank Wags

56 thoughts on “Smart Motorways”

  1. Great nom, those time wasting cunts make my piss boil to steam every time I’m on the m25.

    I dread to think how much each gantry costs to build, and no doubt the useless cunts controlling them have expensive training courses, stupidly high wages and a load of elf n safety cunts and lawyers to overlook the whole thing.

    Fuckin pointless freeloading cunts.

    • Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy Mr Sausage, but who you gonna call when you spot a harmless bin-bag blowing about on the hard shoulder?

    • They have done the same on the M62 around Leeds / Wakefield – its a proper cunt – so many close calls as drivers are paying far too much attention to the gantry signs and their own speed – its a recipe for a total fucking nightmare. Some cunts just completely ignore them and tailgate your arse which makes accidents even more likely. I assume they use the cameras to send speeding tickets through the post – that being the case they must be sending fucking thousands every day.

      • Same problem with bloody speed limits in Switzerland (beware if you ever car-hire on arrival at Geneva airport; all contibutions gratefully received by PlodSuisse)…everyone who knows the motorways is so scared, eyes on speedo all the time. Veritable pompe a fric.
        Can’t comment on Zurich-Kloten, sadly, as have never been there by road.

        Crash.
        Bang.
        Wallop.

      • M62 Smart Motorway went down it the other day FFS I thought I was in a discotheque the speed cameras were like strobe lights flashing every other car. I thought there should be a warning sign ‘This Motorway contains flashing photography’. I thought any minute these flashes were going to cause some poor bugger to have an epileptic fit and cause a multiple pile up.

  2. Excellent cunting lads!!!
    The M25 is worth a cunting all on its on, I used it every day for 15 fuckin years ( aged me 30) not a day went by when I wasn’t told to SLOW for congestion ahead, roadworks, debris in the road, accident or some other utter nonsense which failed to materialise! Maybe the fucking cretins running the gantry signs are having a laugh, it’s the modern equivalent of the old cone gag SLOW men working in the road!! Then you pass mile upon mile seeing absolutely no Cunt working in the road! Day or night!! Week after week….. CUNTS

  4. “You wonder if anyone gives a shit any more.” Well apparently not. I went up the motorway in midweek and the signs were flashing 50mph. I slowed down and got in the inside lane, and every fucker passed me. Fucking great wagons were pulling out to overtake me. Cars were bombing up the outside lane. No-one gave a toss. And the same thing happened coming back.

    • “Cars were bombing up the inside lane”

      Were they Toyota Carinas and Nissan Bluebirds driven by peaceful religion worshippers? 😀

      They should make them smarter by filling in the potholes or building proper in the first place. Changing a wheel punctured or cracked by these holes on motorways is a right cunt and scary position to be in.

      The prospect of ‘smart’ cars that drive for you is a cunt, but we won’t need insurance anymore will we, after all it will be the cars fault.

    • Last Monday I was driving down the M6/M5 interchanges section at 4am. It was extremely quiet for that particular section, no fog, no rain, a few cars and the speed limit was 30 mph, for 9 bastard miles. The workforce completing the viaduct work were in bed and signs were everywhere stating “24 hour speed control in force” why? I also passed signs stating “ Tired ? Take a break” I didn’t pass any signs stating “ This speed limit is in place to fuck as many people about as is humanly possible to generate cash” I then dove for 50 ish miles with signs telling me the A40 was closed into oxford, again further lies it was open all the way. Does the company who runs IT for TSB run these signs. Useless cunts.

  5. Ah yes, this.

    Went back up the M1 last week and there was a long-arse stretch where it was 50-60 mph for absolutely no bloody reason! Whichever cunt thought this was a good idea deserves to be thrown under a train!

  6. There is zero pleasure in most forms of transport in the UK now. You’re either sitting in a slow line of traffic while pedestrians and cunts on push bikes go past you or standing on a jam packed train with loads of sweaty armpits hanging on to the bars. Not to fucking mention airports queing up like fucking sheep to go through some poxy security system. Bring back the fucking horse.

    • Peaceful cunts at Glasgow Airport really fucked up a simple process of dropping off & picking up when going on a flight, which costs us in parking to pay for all them bollards now. Surprised London bridges not tolled to make Joe Public pay for government inability to control cunts causing the problem at source.

      They fucked up prospects of safe air travel too

  7. Fog is another one…..yes it might have been foggy at 730 am but it’s now
    2 o’clock in the afternoon, & the cunts have forgot to turn it off, on a lovely
    sunny afternoon.
    Mile after mile of 50 mph then 40 mph roadworks…..this is for the convenience
    of the contractors, & inconveniences thousands of drivers. Instead of keeping
    the roadworks to a sensible fucking 5 miles, finishing them, then moving on to
    the next stretch, the cunts have gradually expanded the roadworks, until you
    can have 15 miles of roadworks, & frustrated lorry drivers trying to keep to
    tight schedules, flashing their lights, & driving ‘up your arse’ because you are
    trying to keep to the 50 mph limit…..you can’t go anywhere, & neither can they.

    • Never forget my lovely late wife asking me whilst driving on a misty motorway what the sign FO9 meant.

      She laughed and sniggered for absolutely ages when I answered “Fog, you daft cow”.

      After nearly 19 years boy do I still miss her.

    • Feel your pain Jack, really fucking fed up tonight, nowt but cunts on the telly, LibDems rang the doorbell earlier, interrupted Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away.

      They’re all cunts out there.

      • Drove through Levenshulme this afternoon. I’ve seen the future and it’s not looking good.
        Dark thoughts abounding.

  9. Some cunt has invented a video game called “Bury Me, My Love”. It’s an “educational” game concerning “world international problems.”
    The aim of the game is to get a Syrian refugee into Europe.
    Hey!…..there’s a big snowflake market out there!

  10. Sun Life Over 50’s funeral plan.

    Gormless gullible fucker played by shit actor telling his next door female neighbour that he now does not have to worry about his funeral costs when he dies. Of course not, stupid fucker, no one does if they are dead. Equally dozy gullible next door neighbour also decides to contact Sun Life for her policy. Cunts.

    Can now win £10,000 if you take out a policy.

    These fucking adverts are on every time there is an advert break.

    Twice if you now include the new Sun Life equity release plan. Advert featuring Carol “smartarse” Vorderman and more cretinous smiling actors portraying gullible white middle aged fucking simpletons.

    Please help, as do not think I can take these fucking adverts any more. Probably similar to the Ocean Finance adverts on LBC (previously posted on IACS)?

    • Apparently there are still some people who don’t want to apply for an Ocean credit card!

    • I’d tell that cunt June to fuck off home and finger herself.
      If the first ad is not bad enough, in the follow up, some daft cunt congratulates June for getting for getting her own funeral plan.
      Who the fuck congratulates someone for paying in to this shit.

      I hope everybody involved in this ad campaign needs the services of a funeral director….soon.

      • I bet June is just a busy body cunt who makes a point of pouncing on her neighbours at every opportunity and she’s only went out and chaped this sad sack up because she’s bored while waiting on her big fuck off vibrator batteries charging up.

        Far too jolly and sweet to be wholesome.

    • Also why has the fucker in this ad got a pair of binoculars looking out on his neighbours houses when the ad starts???

      Is it Sun Life’s Peeping Tom insurance?

      • That’s him on the “Some wife over 50 plan”, perv cunt that he is.

        They must have ran out of Nosey Parker pens and gave him binoculars instead for the free gift.

        Lying cunts don’t send a pen, I applied and got info to complete and return in 14 days but no pen.

        I called them about a month later and cunts told me I didn’t get a pen as I didn’t take the policy. Told the cunt I couldn’t fill in the remainder of their form as I had no pen.

        Got junk mail for over 10 years by giving them cunts my details. I know it was down to them selling my details as they misspelled my name. Cunts.

      • Vorderman was the Celebricunt face pushing con man Dr Andrew Wakefield’s MMR autism scare. Cunt big time. Parents trusted her cos she was supposed to be ‘clever’…

      • I’d give her a dirty ride. Last bus out of the town centre on a Saturday night, the one that stinks of piss and regurgitated Frosty Jack and pizza.

      • Vorderman is a cunt and I would use / buy anything that she advertises.

        Using people that the public have a perception of being highly intelligent to advertise shit is a cuntish thing to do, particularly financial things or medical supplements which can both seriously fuck you up big style.

      • Agree wholeheartedly Basement.

        An appalling greedy and uncaring bitch who is not short of a few bob who just wants the money and fuck the consequences for anyone who loses out financially as a result of trusting her endorsement.

  11. Pot holes are cunts oh and so is Diane Abbot who BTW should be thrown in a pothole then filled over with tarmac,which is interestingly black so its not racistististilist

  12. Did I really just see an advert for body shaving products for men?

    Either that or this 7.5% vintage cider is hitting all of the right numbers!

    • Vintage?, when I read that I had a flashback to my yoof.

      Merrydown, chased down with a few cans of super lager, breaker or special brew though we weren’t fussy on the cans as long as it wasn’t Kestrel, Fosters or Ace which seemed to sober you up after the bottle of Merrydown or as it was code named: Damage.

      One bottle of damage and three tinnies, one of which was usual handed over as ‘tax’ to the copper on the beat. He always had an empty carrier bag in his pocket for his taxes. Worth it for leaving us in peace and he knew we were decent cunts who didn’t destroy the park. Even radio’d his mate to take me home the night I got hammered chasing down my damage with a pop bottle full of draughts sherry. Those were the days, he was a decent cunt and always out on foot, knew every cunt by name & address and gave a clip round the ear where and as required.

      Happy days then.

  13. **BREAKING NEWS**

    Alfie Evans: Family “shattered” by toddler’s death as Pope leads global tributes…

    • This is a very sad case but I must admit that when I heard his father talking I was overcome with scouseism, couldn’t help myself. Then I hear that the sympathisers attempted to storm the hospital and abused the staff and that the ambulance chasers were putting together a case of conspiracy to murder against the hospital staff.
      Oh, and fuck the Pope.
      Very, very sad.

      • If you can’t intimidate the medical staff trying to do their best for a terminally ill child, who can you intimidate?

    • Sad hearing stories of young innocent kids leaving early.

      What is it about the perv cunts and sick kids though?, you had Savile cruising the wards of Stoke Mandeville etc and now the ones in the news seem to get invites to that place in Italy. Can’t the cunts leave them alone?

  14. Me mam used to say “If you can’t say anything good about someone, keep your mouth shut.”

    So a deafening silence from me re the down-market Gallagher lookalike (my ISAC passim).

    And cos I don’t wish to be chucked off ISAC !

    • My mum said similar words however I found myself becoming a mute until I realised the world was full of a breed you would never find anything nice to say about.

      ISAC would be a sad quiet lonely place if this breed did not exist.

      Just had a thought…this could have been the first step in the evolution of the snowflake we have today?

      “Don’t say nasty things about counts”….then they arrive and we stay tight lipped.

      “don’t say nasty things to gay people”….then they appear in our faces and ….some stay tight lipped.

      Don’t say nasty things about people with different religions….

      Don’t say nasty things about people who claim to be the opposite sex of which they are…..

      Getting the picture cunters?

      • Sort of likewise, me mam’s carked now (evil old bitch, straight out of Hammer House of Horror, very “Do as I say”. Of course, she vented her considerable spleen against everyone).

        But the Alfie’s Army lot were certainly solid-platinum doss- CUUUUUNTS, and fuck the Pope. Interfering, doddery old twat. Alfie’s certainly gone to a better place.

      • @Basement Bob

        Do you think it’s ok to say nasty things about spellcheckers that keep spelling cunts “counts”?

        Am sure I can cunt on your response.

      • The spellchecker / predictive cunt on my device is a facking busterd that is utter shate.

        I’ve lost cunt of the number of times its facked me up.

    • I never saw him in the tearoom with Butler and the gang?

      Next thing we will be told is that Blakey used him as a slave to clean his office and that he didn’t get tea breaks.

      Any others of this genewation treated like this?…I hear compensation coming!

  16. Be careful on the new smart motorways and look out for the new cuntish cameras.

    Look at the gantries now and there are two new yellow cameras to the left hand side on a bracket. About 100m before these, you will see three other cameras.

    These are set to go off at 71mph or 1mph over whatever the gantry speed limit is showing. The other gantries are unaffected to lull you into a false sense of security.

    Does give me a laugh when some cunt in a leased white twatpanzer goes hammering through at 90mph, knowing they will be getting a huge fine for driving like a self important cunt though. 😀

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