Supermarkets

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I would like to nominate for a colossal cunting – that most eminent of cunts; the purpose-built, piss-kettle known as the supermarket.

There are so very many things wrong about this most unpleasant cunt of an experience that it only seems proper to begin where they all begin…….. the car park!

Upon entry into said park of cars, it would seem that most people (mainly in vagina-powered cars I hasten to add) lose any minor semblance of driving aptitude they may have possessed prior to crossing that threshold. White lines painted onto the asphalt to denote who does and doesn’t have right of way at a junction?……….. No it’s okay, you just drive right over them with no glance left or right and give a filthy look to the guy who just had to slam on his brakes, narrowly miss you and honk his fucking horn.

On a particularly busy day, it may be difficult to find a space that isn’t either narrow as fuck on account of the knobhead with the wide-as-balls, 16 plate range rover or the prick who just parks over the line so you can’t quite fit into the space without having to escape through the fucking sunroof (a thing for which my wheelie-shed KIA is sadly deficient).

Then there is the usual time spent waiting for some doddery, old twat to reverse out of a space which would have been safer to reverse INTO! Yes dickhead! It’s quicker and safer to reverse in and drive out you dumb fuck! You have better visibility driving forward out of a space!

Then when you do finally find a space in the MIDDLE of the car park right next to one of those perspex trolley parks (these spaces tend to be a little narrower), upon reversing into the space, what do you see in your rear view mirror but a fucking trolley?!……. you fucking lazy CUNTS! You are right next to the trolley park! And don’t play the disabled card with me – the disabled spaces are up at the front of the shop near the front door…… right next to the main trolley park. You are just a selfish, lazy fuck.

Okay so we finally reach the Mordor…….. I mean……. the front door. This part of the shopping experience is reminiscent of a scene from George.A.Romero’s Dawn of the dead wherein the living dead patrons are so keen to get into the establishment to forage for goodies but aren’t apparently in any great rush to reach said goodies. What you are met with is a slow-moving, ignorant cunt with no self awareness, peripheral vision or consideration for others.

This phenomenon doesn’t stop here however; it continues throughout the store. Need to walk down an aisle merely to reach something at the other end? Well expect the gormless bell-end walking down the middle of the aisle (with no hearing skills, peripheral vision or spacial awareness) to just stop out of the blue and force you to stand there like a cunt while it remembers where it kept it’s brain.

Maybe you want to get something from the small, narrow, reduced-to-clear section in the chilled department? Just wait a while so the selfish, greedy, middle-aged bint stands right in front of, and hogs the entire section so that you can’t even slot into one side to take a close look at what is there.

When you do finally reach the check-outs however, it’s either a long as fuck queue behind some dopey Cyril or Doris chatting with the equally old and slow-at-packing till-mong called Geoffrey or it’s a trip to the “express”, self-service tills – righto……… self-service tills it is then.

Now you have to go through the humiliation of putting your multiple bottles of beer through the scanner, only to be met with the deafeningly loud “APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED, APPROVAL NEEDED”…….. for every fucking bottel! ……….. all the while, the same breed of ignorant, old and middle-aged women you just tried to traverse and avoid are staring at you with utter contempt like you are some kind of scumfuck………… Yeah I have a drink problem, go fuck yourself! No-one else will you old hag!.

So when the creature allegedly manning the self-service tills eventually does come and give approval for the booze, they generally don’t even look at you anyway which makes me wonder why I waited in the first place – I’m a grownup, I can approve myself.

Finally there is the usual attempt to get out of the place behind, once again, some dippy old couple or some fat, smelly couple. Either way, I am glad to be out of there without any kind of criminal record. Please fellow cunters, reassure me that I’m not just some cantankerous, curmudgeonly misanthrope and that supermarkets and those who dwell within are actually cunts?!

Nominated by Two In The Stink

157 thoughts on “Supermarkets”

  1. Apparently certain gaytards on Twatter are in a frenzy because Lily Mong’s album is about to ‘drop’ soon…

    Wonder what’s it going to be called? “Waiting For The Cum”?

  2. More news… Multiple women have accused Ron Jeremy of sexual assault dating back more than 30 years ….

    Yeah, and millions of cunts have watched it…

  3. What is this ‘shopping’ thing spoke about on here?

    My butler caters for all my grocery, toiletry and haberdashery needs. It simply isn’t on mixing with hoi polloi in these truly ghastly establishments.

  4. Debenhams are a cunt.

    Just caught there oh so PC xmas add where black boy meets white girl on train.

    Wonder if next year she will be stuck at home with her kid as he has fucked off and left her to go play gangsta on the council est.

    • Sly TV™ are cunts, just saw their advert for their Sly Cinema™ Christmas season and guess what? The douche bags sneaked a peaceful just to keep everyone “happy”.

      So they watch our Christmas fucking films now too while they wait on the turkeys next basting session?…Cuuuuuuuuunts!

  6. To continue with the above Alan Partridge analogy…as I too “hate the general public”, I’ve started doing my shopping at 11pm or even 1am and can thoroughly recommend it. The absolute bare minimum of twats, mongs and spastics. And sonetimes it’s so rmpty that you can pretend that the zombie apocalypse is ocurring and that you now live in the supermarket.

    • Problem with 1am shopping is you then have the roll pallets blocking your way and the shelves. You can’t move them for all the cardboard they leave on the floor as they unpack the stuff.

      You also often have self service only which I don’t use though they will open a checkout if you threaten to walk out and leave a trolley full for them to put back.

  7. Filthy peaceful cunts running a bakery have been fined £152k for being found out mashing spuds with a dirty tennis racquet.

    Good job the inspectors didn’t take swabs from their hands as they would have undoubtedly wiped their arses with their bare hands in between mashing said spuds with the racquet, gobbing in the dough and bobbing up and down on their filthy little mats.

    Dirty little skidmarks.

    • Wonder if that will make Sly News™ or the ABBC?

      They should all get 28 days for that, during which they should be force fed pig shit and pig piss for hydration as we wouldn’t want them to die of thirst before they get beaten to death with the biggest ever ham shank.

  8. Fucking hate supermarkets, full of chavs and low life scum. I was in one recently and there was this window licker taking a dump next to the veg counter , the carers put a curtain round him to save his modesty. I just wanted to give the filthy cunt a kicking

  9. Well I thought I’d avoided the lot of it until I went downstairs forra coffee and the Mrs had Children Indeed on in the kitchen.

    What happened to £2 quid or a fiver? Only text options being offered are £10 quid or £20 quid!?! Cheeky cunts!

    It’s a moot point because the cunts aren’t even going to get the ‘T’ of text off me let alone £2, £5, £10 or £20!

    The Mrs says I’m heartless, I think I’m honest as opposed to cunts wi’ summat to push like Michael Ball and Alfie Boe offering their time “free of charge” who – purely coincidental I’m sure – also have a new album out (hoping for the big Xmas sales push).

    Ok, fine, feel free to do your bit for Children Indeed but why do it together? Oh that’s right because the album is both of you together. No doubt an LP that only the deaf can appreciate!

    Fucking shills!

    • And that Furby in a Ramones wig, Claudia Winklecunt, has hogged tonight’s ‘Transbenders and men rapeugees posing as children in need’… And that’s enough to put anybody off…

      And that tuneless gargoyle, Sheeran has probably appeared on it, to prove what a ‘nice guy’ he is…. Oh wait, the talentless ginger gremlin fucked his arm up, didn’t he?… Oh dear, how sad, never fucking mind…

      • Dunno mate but I caught Sam Smith caterwauling before I left the kitchen.

        I always thought he looked a bit chumly but he was skinny as a lath tonight.

        Gym work or ADIS – don’t die of dyslexia??

        His voice was the same though – could peel the varnish off a Georgian mantlepiece!

  10. I’ve only just got on IsAC tonight and after venting my spleen on the greedy Children Indeed cunts I went back and re-read the original cunting.

    Fine work and I couldn’t agree more more Two In The Stink!

    Don’t forget the wannabe SAS team know as security! I don’t know why, or what it is but in one “Super” store (an oxymoron) when I leave there I have a 1:2 chance of setting off the alarm when exiting.

    I’m sure that’s because I usually have a wee single malt in there every other visit and the placcy security tab hasn’t been properly deactivated by the inept Tracey on the checkout – more concerned at staring at her TwitBook status than serving paying customers!

    So then you have to go through the indignation of cunts who can barely read checking to make sure you’re not trying to pull a fast one.

    And do they check the big ticket items like the whiskey and a couple of BlueRays no, it’s the lot. “No Mr Security Plum I can assure you that those jam rags are for the Mrs and what kind of a tea leaf would I be to nick them when – see here – there’s a ‘neck end’ of £30 quid single malt in there. Could that be it (again)?”

    Meanwhile there’s a brace of “inits” and “dindos” who went in thinner than Haile Gebrselassie but who exit fatter than Barry White with the extra padding in their jackets!

    O’course they avoid those cunts like Ebola for fear of being branded racist (pronounced “rass-eest”) Vs some poor paying cunt, who’s blown the neck-end of two-hundred knicker to return to nest of vultures waiting at home. A cunt like me!

    By the time I get away from the fucking place it’s a wonder I don’t neck the troublesome single malt in one!

    Fucking cunts!

  11. Was Pudsey “Gimme your money, cunt!” Bear modelled on Tusk, I wonder ?
    I was yelling at the screen today, telling Junckunt to fuck off and die.

  12. Sounds like Kings Lynn to me.

    The BBC could have saved a fortune on sets, costumes and make up etc when filming ‘Walking with Cavemen’ by just filming in Kings Lynn on benefits day.

  13. The cunts who park over the lines are complete cunts. Hi f I had a bazooka I’d blow the fuckers vehicle into oblivion. Mind you, there should be a legal minimum width for car park car spaces, these cunting organisations want to cram as many vehicles as possible into their car park parks, to the extent that some parking spaces are only suitable for a fucking pushbike. Twats.

  14. supermarkets are full of cunts but the express till or free stuff as i call it is brilliant though for some reason theres always some stupid cunt with a fucking trolley with about 3 months fucking shopping in it that never knows what to fucking do
    its simple you cunt scan ( or dont nudge nudge wink wink ) pay and fuck off what part of express do you not understand you worthless cunt

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