William Shakespeare (2)

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Nomination: William Shakespeare.

Turned on the news the other day to see some cocksucker with a waxed moustache wanking on about fucking Shakespeare. Number one, anyone who has a waxed moustache in 2017 is a cunt and anything they say can be safely ignored. Number two (ooer, missus), I fucking hate the way Shakespeare is routinely described as the greatest writer (in English) ever. FUCK THAT STRAIGHT UP THE ARSE.

I’m pretty sure most cunters would agree that Shakespeare ruined their English lessons at school. Fucking pages of boring, barely understandable crap, interwoven with shite jokes and bullshit history. Shakespeare doesn’t hold a candle to Orwell, Hemingway or even Isaac Asimov when it comes to writing a decent fucking story.

Nominated by Cunt’s Mate Cunt.

98 thoughts on “William Shakespeare (2)”

  1. Shakespeare wrote about humanity in a way that’s never been done before. There wouldn’t be an Orwell or (psh) Hemingway if Shakespeare hadn’t publicised the language, as well as creating many of our words. Don’t blame the dodgy teacher with a malodorous jacket who stripped the plays of all beauty, go to see them yourself; they weren’t written to be read but to be watched.

    William Shakespeare was the greatest person who ever lived. This is an silly cunting.

    ““I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed.”

    • Likewise, not fully on board with this cunting. It was the teaching of Shakespeare that was the absolute cunt – the drawn out analysis for gcse English Lit and endless repetition of the salient bits in MacBeth, Midsummer Night’s Dream etc etc. The works of Shakespeare though – very hard for me to cunt.

      I do agree though that anyone with a waxed moustache in this day and age truly deserves a proper fucking stoning, along with their relatives.

      • Now is the winter of our discontent,
        Made utterly cuntish by a bunch of faggots.
        All the luvvies that promised to take in refugees,
        Have in the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

      • There’s no evidence that the Bard had a waxed moustache. However if you have one in 2017, there’s something very wrong with you.

  2. Shakespeare started earning lots of money so churned out play after play to keep the groats rolling into the bank.

    He was the forefather of modern literature if compared to someone like Jackie fucking Collins.

    Shakespeare, overrated cunt on my eyes.

  3. I think Shakey does indeed deserve a Cunting. Not for the reason stated but for all the luvvies his work has created and sustained.

    It’s possible that if Bill had known that he would be responsible for some of the most titanic cunts in history he may well of burned all his work and opened a pie shop.

  4. Having spent a fair old part of my life working around thesps it took me some time to realise just why Shakespeare is so revered by the luvvie class. And it’s simply because his texts are pseudo intellectual and impenetrable that they love him. Just like the Bible, most of Shakespeare is open to interpretation and all of it is drivel. By adoring Shakespeare and giving the impression that you understand a soliloquy or two, you set yourself apart as being cleverer than everyone else.
    The same sort of people that profess a love for Shakespeare are the same sort of people that profess a love of alternative art, and metaphysical poetry. These people tend to be insecure and uncreative, but want to be seen on a higher intellectual plain than the rest of us.

    Just like Shakespeare. Do these modern fanboys not realise that during the Elizabethan era it was popular among scribes to try to outdo each other with vocabulary. All the poets and playwrites at the time were at it. Filling their texts with the rarest and esoteric words they could find in an attempt to appear smarter than all the other playwrites. Hence why there are so many words in Shakespeare that appear nowhere else in the English language.

    To make matters worse, plays were considered ‘a work in progress’ by the acting troupes. They would constantly be adding to the lines (to give themselves more to say) or trying to sound cryptic and clever. Shakespeare became a collective effort over a period of around a hundred years. Hence why there is no single work that exists in his hand writing, or why there were any books or texts in his possession when he died. Shakespeare was an actor who bought basic texts from other writers then rinsed them out through his acting troupe to be rewritten again and again.

    All the sword fights, killings, shagging and comedy foils were crowbarred into the texts to keep the paying punters funding their efforts. But the content of the plays meant absolutely nothing to the average peasant of the day, nor could much of what was being said on the stage be understood.

    Shakespeare was the British film industry of the day. An overfunded indulgence of an intellectual elite, devoid of creativity, promoting ‘entertainment’ of little interest to anyone but themselves but having a monopoly on the medium.

    As Shakespeare himself would have said “Those that doth attest a passion for mine texts, are indeed a bolus of cunts of the worst collective.”

    • Totally disagree with your opening paragraph.

      I do understand the odd soliloquy as you put it but don’t claim it’s anything clever although it’s likely cleverer than quoting JK Rowling? And I dislike alternative art, and metaphysical poetry – whatever that is.

      I am neither insecure and uncreative nor on a higher intellectual plain.

      “An overfunded indulgence of an intellectual elite, devoid of creativity, promoting ‘entertainment’ of little interest to anyone but themselves but having a monopoly on the medium.” Well, certainly a monopoly as there was bugger all else but as for the rest of it? Bollocks! Shakespeare in it’s day was for the masses and attended by all layers of society, rich and poor alike. Go to the Globe Theatre and look at the history exhibit to get a better informed opinion on the matter…

      • I agree with Megacunt, I still remember and resent all the shit I was forced to read and learn at school, Shakespeare and Far From The Madding Crowd and all the rest of the crap, and being told this is what I was supposed to like.
        In all walks of life there are inadequate cunts trying to pass themselves off as intellectuals, pretending to like this and that. I’m a film fan and I don’t need people telling me I should be watching films by Bresson, Bergman and Tarkovsky. I’ll decide what I like, I don’t need anyone’s help.

      • Are you suggesting that the average peasant of the day – many of whom had never seen a book in their lives, what with the printing press having just been invented, understood all the significance, meaning and textual ‘richness’ of what they were witnessing on the stage? I beg to differ. Not forgetting that contemporary Shakespeare was delivered in Iambic Pentameter and on a stage with primitive acoustics.

        You are in effect suggesting that Elizabethan peasants had a better grasp of English than most drama students of today. I think you have been blindsided by the pedagogy of Shakespeare rather than its true communicative value.

      • Hmmm Metalphysica poetry…as read by Oscar Pisspoorstorius in his cell ? Carbon-reinforced titanium pentameters for spacks ?

        Shakespeare defo NOT a cunt; it’s mainly the way lit was taught at schools in GB that deserves a MASSIVE cunting. I did three mod. lang. a-levels… Anyone ever heard of Galdos’s novel Marianela ?? No, thought not. Spanish teacher said it was one of the worst pieces of crud ever written…so why the f did we have to waste half a bloody year (non-refundable) on it ?
        Spanish teacher had a latin-american husband called Rodolfo: she bought him to school one day. All the girls had reckoned he’d look like Valentino: he looked like a kiddy-diddling grandad, a sort of gyppo Savile… And as he spoke latino Spanish, he just sat there hissing like a snake.

    • “the sword fights, killings, shagging and comedy foils were crowbarred into the texts to keep the paying punters funding their efforts.”

      Erm, no. They were part of the story. Kings were stabbed depicting what happened, people were stabbed as a necessary plot point, women were stabbed by lovers (Shakespeare was filthy with his metaphors/innuendo).

      Drama is a Greek word meaning “To Move.” If anything was crowbarred in, it was the poetry.

      • Hamlet was a play originally by Thomas Kyd. It did not contain the murders, setting or even the Kings and Queens of it’s day. All crowbarred in by Shakespeare.
        Fairly sure the witches in Macbeth didn’t happen. Nor the fairies in Midsummer Nights Dream. The lovers in Romeo and Juliet. The moor in Othello.
        I could go on, but that’s what Shakespeare did, hence why he is such a boring cunt.

      • Yrs, he put in devices like the Witches as a story-telling device, extremely cleverly in a fate-predicting way. The fairies represent the World in which Titania/Oberon/Puck live. He’s creating a World.

        Not sure what you mean about the “lovers in Romeo and Juliet. The moor in Othello.” The lovers WERE Romeo & Juliet and the moor WAS Othello.

        Incidentally, all of Shakespeare’s plays were stories elsewhere. It was accepted to take a story and re-write it. He wouldn’t have claimed to have written the story, just the poetry.

  5. It’s all a load of old wank. I’ve never bothered to read one,but I have seen a couple of videos based on his scribblings…boring shite. At least Jeffrey Archer writes a good story that people might actually enjoy reading. Shakespeare is dull,incomprehensible crap only kept alive by pretentious bores. Pulp it all and use the recovered paper to print titty-mags.

      • You only get 13 free minutes on this site TS,hardly enough time to get up to speed for a jaded wanker like me.

      • It was just a example , 13 minutes isn’t enough tho? I could bust a nut within 2-4 minutes minimum at least lol. Cut down on booze eat healthier and I’m sure you can concentrate on wanking better and faster

      • I recommend the Reduced Shakespeare Company. Their one minute Hamlet is hilarious and – amazingly – they don’t really leave anything out…

    • “It’s all a load of old wank. I’ve never bothered to read one”

      So how do you know if you’ve never bothered to read one?

      • I’ve never bothered to climb Mt. Everest with Brian Blessed either ,but I know that I wouldn’t enjoy it.

  6. George RR Martin stole his kill every major character concept off of shakespeare just saying

      • Interesting informations mate I didn’t know that about war of roses i’ll check it out. Series 1 and 2 of GoT were great went downhill from there. The show is probably nowwhere as detailed as his books but I don’t have the time or patience to read them can’t be bothered frankly

      • I agree about it going downhill but for me it was three series in. There’s always a bit to keep you going on.

        Richard II/enry IV (1 and 2) then Henry V were the first of The History Plays; they then continue up to Richard III.

        I highly recommend the Beeb’s latest effort on these called, “The Hollow Crown” which is easily watched. It’s Game of Thrones without all the dragon nonsense.

  7. Yeah, Will was a right money grabbing little cunt, the Simon Cowell of his day. He was always mincing about in tights the little gaylord. And weren’t all the female roles played by young boys? That ain’t right. Fuck off Shaky you pervert nonce. What a cunt eh?

  8. “Shakespeare doesn’t hold a candle to Orwell, Hemingway or even Isaac Asimov when it comes to writing a decent fucking story”

    Comparing a 17thC dramatist with 20thC novelists is like comparing Mozart with Glam Rock and saying Mozart was shit because he didn’t write ‘Devil Gate Drive’. Different fucking genres entirely. Maybe you should have paid more attention in school? Good cunting of the prick with the waxed moustache though.

    • Literature – like music – is subjective. There’s no good or bad, just what you like or don’t like.

      “Mozart was shit because he didn’t write ‘Devil Gate Drive’. ” Good point. I knew an ex pro opera singer who thought Russell Watson was shit – which is why he’d never listened to him. Bit of a logic bomb there?…

    • The only guy who ever looked right with a waxed moustache was Salvador Dali – and he was mad as a box of frogs. Bloody good painter tho’

      • Didn’t Dali sort of ‘create’ or ‘invent’ Amanda Lear from Alan Tapp?
        Hence the term ‘Dali’s Frankenstein’ when referring to Lear…

  9. And Old Shaky was a bullshitter… His beloved by luvvies Richard III story is exactly that… Tudor propaganda and mostly bullshit… There was no coward saying ‘My kingdom for a horse!’ Apparently King Dickie fought his bollocks off to the last and he wasn’t a max wall look-alike with a hump and a pinocchio nose either…

    Mind you, I suppose if Shaky hadn’t written it the way they wanted it, one of those demented Tudor cunts would have had his head off…

    • …. My favourite of his was .. ‘This Ole House’ … didn’t really mind .. ‘Green Door’ .. either.

  10. Enjoyed everybody’s comments, good banter and argument, exactly what this place is all about. Can’t cunt Bill as personally like him a lot.

    • Let’s face it, it’s today’s luvvies that are the silly cunts…Ken and Em, what a fucking pair they were…Deserved each other. She was irritating in Fortunes of War, whereas Caroline Langrishe was, as ever, luscious – a fabulous pair of…really hungry eyes. Nice legs, too…

  11. You don’t read Shakespeare to get historical accuracy. It’s like watching Hollwood doing “this is based on a true story” – or as I prefer to say “This story is true. Only the facts have been altered…”

    • But most cunts think it is historically accurate… Either because they were taught that as kids at school or because they are stupid cunts… Like – to most people – Richard III is still the big nosed, cowardly hunchback from Shakespeare’s play…. Same goes for Oliver Stone’s JFK film… A load of bollocks, but for the layman/moron it is now the ‘definitive account’ of Kennedy’s murder…

  12. And you can’t enjoy it from a book. If you’re too tight fisted to go to the theatre to see it done properly by quality actors, try NTLive, RSC Live, or Globe Theatre Live. All have videos readily available on Pirate Bay – although I must point out that downloading them would be illegal…

  13. The worst thing about reading Shakespeare today is the endless referral to sycophantic modern-day scholars who imbue every slight turn of phrase with some far more esoteric undertone than was probably actually intended. Not only does that detract from a proper understanding of the works, it makes for an ongoing distraction when most of the heavily-notated modern imprints constantly interrupt the flow to garner some new nugget of interpretative wisdom from whatever smart cunt they’ve been (un)insightful enough to have consulted.

    I’d be far more inclined to cunt the self-appointed modern day scholars who see themselves as something of an authority on the man and his literary canon. They need a proper cunting forthwith.

    Wilde-tonguing, Keats-bothering, pretend-dandy cunts.

  14. Love this nomination.
    Everybody should be free to like what they like, even Blur, but being compared to frogspawn by some ‘intellectuals’ for not giving two shites about Shakespeare has irked me for years.
    Enjoy it, but i ain’t a lesser man for ignoring it.

    Cheers Cunt’s Mate Cunt.

    Craig Shakespeare is alright though.
    I hope.

      • Named after the Smiths song: where Morrissey moans about thinking of topping himself (again)… Shame is, he never did it…

  15. Hated Shakespeare at school and still don’t get it. I leave it to others to wank lyrical about him. As long as I can avoid all that turgid prose don’t care one way or another. I do accept that a lot of great phrases came from the cunt but Midsummer Night’s Dream was a pile of fairy wank to far for me.

    • Shakespeare spouted a lot of lyrical excellence but when I ask anyone what the fuck he was talking about none of them can’t give me an explanation, they just talk me down saying he was the greatest writer in history.
      Was he just a 15th century Stanley Unwin ???

      • 15th century? I think you might have aged the cunt a bit there.

        Besides which he was probably more a Dylan Thomas or James Joyce of his day. Just a bit more pissed.

  16. Pretention twats who lord it up over others reminds me of a Pulp lyric

    I can’t help it
    I was dragged up
    My favourite parks
    Are car parks
    Grass is something you smoke
    Birds are something you shag
    Take yer Year In Province
    AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!,,,

    • Ah yes, and the most pseudo-intellectual, arty, suede-jacketed pretentious prick of them all…. Jarvis Cocker.

      He wants to live like Common people.

  17. The only thing more tedious than watching a Shakespeare play, is listening to the sort of wankers that go there laugh at the ‘funny’ bits. Shakespeare was not exactly Trey Parker and Matt Stone in the humour department, but there these drama teachers and Shakespearean fanboys can be found laughing like drains in the dark, as if it’s the first time they have ever heard the joke.

    Nothing like laughing in a room full of people to make them all aware that you know a Shakespearean joke when you hear one and are way out there on the intellectual stakes.

    Oh yes, the Bairds wit just never ages does it? Tossers.

  18. I once met Shakespearean actor Patrick Stewart at a do. He’s a right miserable cunt.

  19. Shakespeare once went into a pub, and the landlord said:
    ‘Get out, yer bard!’

    • I was barred from a pub once. The reason? I was particularly good at a feature on the fruit machine. It was a line of numbers one through ten. Each number lit up with the lights advancing from left to right. The 1 lights up, then 1 and 2, then 1, 2 and 3. You get the idea. You had to hit a button when the 10 was lit up for a fraction of a second. For some reason I could nail this every single time.

      First I was barred from using the machine myself. So whenever any of my mates played the fruity, they’d call me over when this challenge was up and bingo! Jackpot. The fucking landlord saw me get jackpots for several mates over several days. Then one day as my expertise was being called upon, the fucking landlord bellowed across the pub that I was barred altogether. What a cunt!

      Still, he was old, fat, bald and looked like Linx from Dr. Who, so he had his own problems.

      Linx I hear you cry? Allow me:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1mCFHUPPEI

      • I was barred from two pubs for the same trick. In the 90s we played pinball. I took off my shoes, lifted up the front legs of the pinball, then placed the legs into my shoes enabling us to play longer and score more replays.

        Childish, puerile and great fun.

  20. Almost on topic.

    Once pulled a bird who performed with some Shakespearean company.

    Very tall girl, gave great blow jobs.

    Fondly remembered as oral high Jean…..

    • I bet he regrets that interview from a decade ago. Wanker.

      “Who do you want to win, Captain Magnanimous?”
      “Whoever’s playing Murray.”

  22. And couldn’t Coco Vanderwank or whatever her name is have shouted ‘You cannot be serious!’ at the umpire?….

  24. Hands up all those who pissed themselves listening to a certain MP informing Parliament of the stuff written about her on social media.
    Especially the guy who said he’d hang her, but there’s not a tree strong enough. 🙂

    I never caught her name though. 🙂

  25. When I was at school, I hated any Science subject. I hated them all:-
    Physics
    Biology
    Chemistry
    Computer Science

    The students who excelled at them were tedious, spotty, twats with bad breath and shitty teeth who preferred Dungeons & Dragons books to football and birds banter. Ho Hum.

    I’m still not fully happy with any of these subjects, but I don’t want to Cunt them. Perhaps the nerds, certainly the teachers, but not the boring, 9.8-metres-a-second, please-write up-the-results-and-conclusion, painfully-drab, ear-achingly-dull subjects.

  26. I must admit, I can stand Shakespeare and all the bullshit that goes with it.

    Every film I’ve seen based on his work is boring shite, take Shakespeare in Love for Example, a load of luvvies mincing around having fun but boring most normal people to death.

    The only and I mean they only bit of Shakespeare I have ever enjoyed is the final scene from Withnail and I….class

    • “I have of late, I know not why, lost all my mirth…”

      Right in front of the Timber Wolves enclave behind the gates of Hyde Park.

  27. If you don’t like Shakespeare, don’t go to watch Henry V and be enthralled at the true story of the English, Welsh and Scots having to fight a French army five times their size and kicking their arse, in France!

    Definitely don’t got to watch King Lear with its nasty women who prise out Gloucester’s eyes in front of you.

    Don’t go to watch Macbeth and its dreary knifing and madness.

    Above all, I beg you, don’t go to watch Titus Andronicus and its violent, filthy depiction of incest, murder and a woman having her tongue cut out after being raped.

    If you don’t like Shakespeare, don’t go to watch it.

    • Watching shakespeare is one thing, it’s listening to the cunt where the problems start. Never had an English teacher yet discuss what a great pair of tits Hamlet’s Mum had. It was all the relentless blather they shat out of their mouths where the pseudo’s obsession lays.

      • Verily, didst Hsmlet’s mum have a cracking pair of mighty funbags?

  28. Just got home…..
    WTF,s going on??
    This is very odd!! 😂😂
    Poor old WS getting a cunting?
    What’s next?? Lord nelson?? 😂

  29. Cro magnons were utter Cunts!!
    No sky TV, dishwashers or pocket sprung super king sized beds!!! Useless Cunts!! Fuck them….👎

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