Self Service Checkouts (2)

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I would like to give a cunting to self service checkouts.

I hate using these things and avoid them like the plague wherever possible. However, when I’m in a rush and out of 20 human checkouts, only two are open with half of humanity queueing for them, I cave in.

Oh what joy, as you shuffle your stuff from the basket, scan it and attempt to put it in those paper thin plastic bags. Bing, off goes that woman’s voice telling you there is an unexpected item in the miniscule bagging area. You mean my shopping you silly cunt? Now, I must wait for a real person to unblock the machine before carrying on. Next, the scanner doesn’t read the bar code despite numerous attempts. Argghhhh…and on it goes. Then, ‘Did you bring your own bags?’ No….’How many did you use?’ Eventually when it is time to pay – the only bit they really care about – the machine decides it doesn’t want feeding with my crumpled 20 pound note. Finally, I give up with using the readies and instead insert my flexible friend. Ahhh…finished.

Not only are supermarkets infested with these machines, even McDonald’s has got in on the act. Tap away at a screen to place your order and pay by plastic. Gone are the days of being greeted by “Would you like extra cholesterol with your fries?” or “How about diabetes with your bucket of Coke, sir?” from a human staff member.

Now the machines are taking over Terminator style. Do these businesses give us a discount for doing their work, reducing their wage bill and increasing their profits? Not a chance. They just lengthen the dole queue, laying off humans, for the taxpayer to pick up the tab.

Since, we the customers, have nothing better to do with our time, perhaps they would like us to unload a delivery truck or two on the way in, stack a few shelves as we wander around and tie a broom to our arses and sweep up as we leave.

Every little helps. Have a nice day. You cunts.

Nominated by Mike Oxard.

112 thoughts on “Self Service Checkouts (2)”

  1. Anybody who uses one of these machines is a cunt. Any supermarket employee who assists a cunt using these cunt machines is a double cunt. If you don’t know why you are a triple cunt and the sooner you are dead the better. Now fuck off you cunt.

  2. Tesco have new software on their machines. It used to say please put you bag in the bagging area, now it says please place your bags ready for scanning. But bags can’t be scanned, you cunt.

    NCR make most of these machines and W-something at Morrison’s but they are even slower. The supermarket senior management are to blame bringing in these machines, not the poor sods that work there.

  5. Excellent cunting Mike and 100% accurate.

    I travel a lot and some times its the wee hours when I get back home so I swing into a local 24hr Tesco to grab a few tinnies and a butty deal or summat, so the last thing I need is to be pissed about by these fucking things.

    Thing is after 10pm, no matter the night, there’s NEVER a real person on any till whatsoever.

    It’s like the old British Leyland night shift: you turn up at 1am and there at least 1/2doz of the cunts outside having a tab and/or updating their FaceTwat status to “Having a tab!”

    I leave 15mins later (10mins of which being caused by having to wrestle with metal mickey to buy my goods) and there’s a different 1/2doz of the cunts outside doing the same thing.

    And woe-betide if you need to ask for the location of something past the witching hour. You’ve got more chance of finding the ark of the covenant with the holy grail sat upon it as you have of finding anyone to ask!

    There’s aisle after aisle of shit in cages strewn about the place (making doing your shopping more like an challenge from The Crystal Maze) but no fucker’s in there unloading them at 6.50am I bet there’s a flurry of activity before the day manager signs on at 7am but between 12am and 6.50am the place is like a holiday camp!

    Get on the tills you cunts!

  6. I find any self service environment a really emotional experience.
    I was at a petrol station recently and I don’t know what came over me.
    One moment I was fine, the next I just started filling up…..

  7. I find any self service environment a really emotional experience.
    I was at a petrol station recently and I don’t know what came over me.
    One moment I was fine, the next I just started filling up…..

  8. Give it another 10 years and its all you will see in any shop is machines no human contact at all. Why pay for ppl when a machine can do it all non stop no breaks and for no pay ,utter cunt that day will be .

  9. I fucking hate these cunt machine’s, shopping can be stressful enough at times and you don’t want to piss around when the machine starts playing up.
    I get my reward for using these machine’s, I simply put at least one expensive item through without scanning it. When the machine say ‘unexpected item’ I simply press the ‘have your own bags’ button which usually overrides it, if not I call over the overworked staff member who just types in a code and its all good. It makes that expensive coffee taste that little bit nicer.

    PS. Don’t chuck the item your nicking straight into the packing area, put your finger over the bar code and pretend you heard a beep. If your gonna nick it at least pretend you scanned it you theiving cunts.

    If you get caught I know naffink abaaat it.

    • Good kuck with that

      One of then illiterate nigerian guards fresh off the boat will nick you, happened to me a number of times, i always give them a fake name

      • oh look who it is, the retard has managed to log on to the computer today, did your carer beat you today? have you emptied your colostomy bag?

      • There’s an eerie silence waiting to be filled with the rantings of a doss cunt.

        Come on.
        Entertain me you weak cunt.

      • I tried to be nice, i tried to be welcoming, but this weak cunt chose to throw it right back at me and Deploythesausage.

        And was also being a cunt to the administers.

        I’ve had a boring day, so I’m hoping his twisted melon can come up with some decent insults to cheer me up.

        HE DREW FIRST BLOOD……….. he drew first blood. 🙂

      • Obama etc seems like a bit of a cunt (and not in the sense us cunts are) with a bit of a thin skin.
        Wrong site for that !
        Cunt.

  10. They’ve got nothing to do with being “express” and everything to do with saving paying a human being. One person works the till with copious punters queuing whilst three or four employees stand around chatting and encouraging buyers to use these nasty machines and consequently save supermarkets tons of money. At least give us a financial incentive; then they charge you for bags advertising their conglomerate, rapacious shops.

    Greedy, money-grubbing turd-bubbles. Get on the fucking tills!

    • Same as banks. I go in and see just a couple of windows open with a queue of 10 people. Then you get approached by another employee asking what you are in for and do you want to use a machine.
      No I don’t you cunt cos if I did I would go straight to the machine and not queue !
      By the way stop pestering queuing people and get behind the glass and open a fucking till up. That’s how you can assist.
      Cunts.

      • Yep, RBS is terrible for this.

        City centre bank, fifty people queuing, assistants going up and down the queue asking if they “can help”

        At the front of the queue using the single fucking open position is some Eastern European or African cunt with a bunch of old letters and other mong trying to commit fraud or some dumpmy middle age women paying in her takings. from her fraudulent, non tax paying Ebay business.

        Fuck me, just open the fucking tills you bell ends.

  11. Those machines are cunts 100%,
    But i find shop staff are bigger cunts,either miserable, dumb or rude, and alot have bad body odour
    Dont get me started on the dotheads

    Me:where is the choc ices
    Dot head:tuna is ober dere
    Me: No i said choc ice, ice cream
    Dothead:oh you mean rice, dat iz on da isle number fibe please sir

    Also would it kill these miserable cunts to smile?

    • They maybe don’t smile at weak cunts like you, but I’m sure they have right laugh at ye, after they’ve mopped up all yer diarrhea.

      Yeah, i can understand why they don’t smile at ye, and hate to converse with a weak cunt that’s nothing more than a little piece of shite on my shoe.

      • and what makes you so hard? is it because you use outdated terms like “ye” and “shite”? you northern inbred
        you really are thick as shit
        you claim to hate blacks but name yourself after a famous black rapper. you go on about people being soft,you are a waste of space with no life . go on drink another can of special brew ,what else can you do?

      • Beethoven had his critics too.
        See if ye can name three.

        Ye can’t, can ye ?

        —————

        I type the way i talk.

        I don’t hate blacks, i just point out when they are being hypocritical and getting away with it.

        I call myself birdman coz that’s my nickname.

        I’m teetotal.
        I don’t think people who are soft should act the wide cunt without getting slapped and not have a whinge about someone slapping them for being a cunt.

        I am from up north though, but I’m sure I’m not inbred but who really knows.

        And yeah, i do class myself as being tasty in a scrap.

        What else can i do ?

        I can live my blessed life happy in the knowledge that my family are happy.

        I pity yours though.

        ——————

        “use outdated terms”
        That was funny, ya doss weak cunt. hehehehehehe

      • I just reread yer comment.

        Ye really shouldn’t go around calling people “thick as shit” if yer comments are anything to go by.

        I ain’t the brain of Britain, but have a geez at yer own writing style before ye “try” to knock others.

        Sorry, forgot to call ye a weak cunt there.

        Weak cunt.

        hehehehehehehehehe

      • @Birdman who is this knobhead? I read your welcoming him and he starts acting the cunt.

      • Just some weak cunt, Black and White Cunt.

        I hope he’s not another paratrooper. 🙂

        Did ye hear about the the “Black And White Twins” in the paper ?

        As soon as i read the headline, i thought of you. 🙂

      • @Birdman, checked out those twins, would be a bit weird having black and white twins. What do you reckon happened at Leicester with Ranieri? The players seem to be playing now.

      • According to one of his ex players, every job he has, he comes in the first year and has the team playing the way they are used to playing.
        Then in his second season, he changes everything.

        If that’s true, then maybe “Shakey” has just went back to last seasons training, drills and tactics.

        Or maybe Liverpool and Hull were just poor.

        Probably both.

        Or maybe, as the Leicester Mercury have been saying, its coz Ndidi is the new Kante. (yawn)

        We’ll see.

        COYB

  12. If it’s McDonalds you’re in, you might as well pay with plastic because that’s what you’ll be eating. I don’t know how people swallow that shit.

  13. All very well, but when I self serviced in our local supermarket whilst looking down at the checkout girls exposed cleavage they called the police.

    Cunts

  14. Caitlyn Moran is a cunt for saying young girls shouldnt read books by men as they cant handle it.Feminist my arse had a man said that he would be labelled a chauvinist pig.Stupid annti intellectual feminist harpie mong of a cuntbag.

    • I’ve cunted Moran a couple of times… This total cunt recently boasted about when she was younger she did some “rumpeteering”, describing herself as a sort of sexual David Attenborough, adventuring and researching…. First off, anyone who uses/creates a word like rumpeteering is a premium cunt… Secondly, this self important frump wants girls not to read books by ‘horrible men’ yet encourages them to act like slags with her bragging about promiscuity… Thirdly, who the fuck would shag that thing at any fucking time?!… I bet 99% of her ‘conquests’ were pissed… Also, who is this gluebag to say what people -anyone – can or can’t read?… This cunt – for all her liberal bullshit – would be more at home in North Korea…

      Gobshite Moran also claims she loves The Bealtes… But you can’t dearie… They were four white men from Liverpool… And Lennon (pre-Yoko especially) and Macca weren’t the most pro-feminist blokes in the world… If the cap with hypocrisy written on it fits, let the feminazi gobshite wear it…

    • I would like to chainsaw that fuckin Cunts nuts off!! Piece of human garbage!! Utter CUNT!!😡

      • Hope Le Pen wins and cleans every single bit of filth and all the turds out of the Paris (and French) gutters…. Until such a time though the chainsaw cunt will probably be sent to Disneyworld and serenaded by Lily Mong, given a BJ by Hairy Mulligan and ‘invited’ to ‘stay’ by Benderprick Cuntberdinck (but not actually with him or in his house, obviously).;.

      • Mmmmm, didn’t think of that. Never tried rhino.

        ….Wonder what it’s like.

        This is gonna bother me now. I HAVE to find out! 🙂

      • It’ll taste the same as every dead animal.
        The taste of shame. 🙂

        Ketchup will sort that out though.

      • … probably ‘tastes like chicken’ …. everything else does. A colleague once told a story about a hermit poacher type that stayed at the back of beyond on the Isle of Skye, who once ‘curried’ a fox that he’d caught … on asked ‘What did it taste like?’ … he replied .. ‘Dog’ !

      • Did he make foxtail soup with the left covers ?

        Did he season it with some Basil ?

        BOOMBOOM !

      • I’d try it, I’ll eat anything.
        Last week I tried Korean meatballs, fuckin’ amazing….the dogs bollocks…

    • Filthy filthy low life. Human beings are the biggest cunts that ever walked this earth. And the cunts who set the sentences are just as big cunts. Cunts

    • It’s typical of the fucking French. They have endangered animals in a Zoo and some poacher can wander in, shoot the animal and then remove its horn. Bastard. Would have served him right if the other rhinos had stampeded the cunt.

      They didn’t see that on security or CCTV? Like they didn’t see the Bosche coming through the Ardennes in 1940.

  17. What a grand idea…Paul McGann thinks that Tilda Swinton should be the next Dr Who. That should finish the shitty programme once and for all. The rat-faced Swinton an ideal choice.

    • Tilda Swinton?! For fuck sake not that androynous david bowie impersonator why not just have warwick davis as the new Dr.Who…

      • That gross creature from the Malteser ads would make an excellent Davros,with the added benefit of saving on the make-up costs….. Perhaps we could have a bestiality episode where Warwick Davis arse- rapes the Malteser beast,while Tilda Swinton squats pissing on the pair of them. That should improve the viewing figures.

      • The dark haired Malteser girl is cute! The blond one is funnier than James Cordon.

    • McGann is a cunt… He doesn’t even count as a proper Doc… Did one crappy Yank funded ‘movie’ which was total shite… And that sexless rodent Swinton should put a rubber stopper on her head and play the part of a Dalek sink plunger…

      • Typical of the BBC cunts: who airbrush the great Peter Cushing out of the Doctor Who story (because his two Dalek films had nothing to with them)… Yet because McGann’s solitary effort had their (minimal) involvement he is classed as the Eighth Doctor… That’s like saying Robbie Maddix and Aziz whatsisname are Stone Roses… Bollocks…

      • Aziz fingamejig has helped write a lot of Ian Brown’s solo stuff.

        I’ve thought it strange that The Roses got back together after listening to some lyrics on Ian Brown’s My Way.
        There’s a few songs were he seems to want to forget about The Roses.

        I know we can all change our minds over time, but when i first heard them, i thought that there’s no chance of a reunion.

        What do ye think about his version of In The Year 2525 ?

        Pretty cool, done in a Manchester accent, innit ?

      • I like his version of ‘2525’… Brown met Squire again at the funeral of Mani’s mum… Glad they got back together, but without Reni it wouldn’t have worked… That’s where The Who went wrong… Whether it’s Kenney Jones, Simon Philips, or Zak Starkey… Without Keith Moon it isn’t The Who… With The Clash, that arrogant cunt, Strummer thought he could do without Topper and Mick Jones… Sacks both of them and brings in these cartoon rockabilly punks and still calls it The Clash… Stupid cunt… I think The Roses now know that for it to work it has be the four of them….

      • I know Reni has his own problems to deal with, but in interviews he seems really happy and cracking jokes, and maybe the most talkative, except for Mani, who no man can silence.

        Mani is the Man(i).

        The Roses ain’t The Roses without Reni, but is Reni still Reni without the sunhat ? 🙂

      • Peter Cushing was a great Doctor Who. Not so sure on Bernard Cribbins as the assistant though.

  18. Good cunting. I agree that they’re cunts but I guess they do cut down the queue slightly. Though it does give those checkout cunts an excuse to leave the checkout and start walking around with one of those big fuck off cages that piss me off so much.
    I find them ok if I only have 1 or 2 items. Certainly better than waiting behind the usual lines of cunts with full baskets and a purse full of change.
    Any more than 2 items though, forget it.
    I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve sworn at them for that unexpected item shit.
    Those cunts at the tills piss me off when the queue is building up and they’re supposed to ring that stupid little bell to call over a colleague. They always wait too long then the cunt takes ages to turn up.

  19. I’ve never seen a self service till, but i suppose they’ve got to be better than some cunt throwing tins at me as i try and fill my bag as quick as i can.

    The Spanish cashier is different to their British counterpart, these cunts can talk the ears off ye.

    In a kiosk, they don’t have tills, so buying two items , one costing one euro and the other , 60 cents, can take quite a while for the doss cunts to get their pencil and paper to tot that sum up.

  21. I have to disagree with this cunting. Self-service checkouts are a great way to dispose of 20’s covered in cocaine and dried blood…………. so a friend told me.

  22. This is a very good cunting. They have one of these cunting machines in my local Post Office as well. The ironic thing is that they have to have a staff member standing next to it at all times, telling people how to use it? What in the tangerine scented piss is the point of that? They might as well just put that staff member behind the counter and do-away with a machine that nobody wants and people avoid it like spotting Rolf at a vest and pants PE lesson.

    The thing with supermarket cunt-robots is “Unexpected item in bagging area!”. No there fucking is not. Anyone would think I’ve plonked a sack of demolition explosive next to my milk and brew. Fuck right out and harvest a clue.

    Another cunting thing which relates to cunts in supermarkets (apart from fat cunts in mock spaz chariots) is the pure selfishness of people with a fucking laden conveyor-belt, some poor fucker comes up behind them with only one item and they don’t even have the decency to say “hey mate, you go in front of me…you’ll be out quicker”. I know it’s their choice, but come on. I hope these self centred fucks return to their car and discover the tyre’s as flat as a witch’s tit and some scrote has puked on their door handle. Selfish cunts to a man.

    • They pervy cunts used to make kids do gym in underpants.

      I forgot about that.

      Seedy fuckers.

      • Shit man PE in pants and vest!!
        I forgot about that too!

        ….oh the trauma!
        Can’t believe they used to make us do that. Sickos!

      • ………and stand at the shower just to make sure you washed properly of course.
        Dirty cunts.

  23. I saw the strangest thing when I went to the bank in town today. Outside,on the pavement, was sat a greasy looking Romanian pikey with a little fireside coal-shovel and a heap of sand. He seemed to be patting it into some kind of sandcastle. Is this some new con where you stop and watch and their rancid relatives pick your pocket?
    Whatever he was up to,he didn’t get the better of me…I managed to gob right on top of it as I continued walking.

    • There’s a little empty beach hut along the coast that i go to, to get high sometimes.
      Its quiet and out the way, and gives me shelter from this never fuckin ending wind.

      It is on the Med, and its a nice place to escape to.

      Not anymore.
      Some African immigrants have started dossing in it.

      I found out when I got there the other week and took a piss behind it and saw some eyes peering through a slat.

      Is there nothing these cunts don’t want to take ? 🙂

      • The cunts are like cockroaches,except cockroaches probably don’t spread as much disease or breed as quickly.

        From what I understand a lot of jungle-bunnies like to watch white men get their cocks out,it makes them giggle and point for some unknown reason. I know the ones who work as toilet attendants in Dublin are always doing it when I go for a piss. They’re probably expressing envy and fear in their own uneducated way. Simple people overawed by my magnificence.

      • They are simply thieving, dirty, leeching, grabbing, parasitic, flyblown, unwashed fucking filth…

  24. You should have stuck your winkle through the slit like that postie fucking the letterbox. A facefull of piss would have got rid of the cunt.

    • I’ve never been too keen on the idea of shoving my dick through a glory-hole since watching “Porkies” where that gross woman grabs a hold…. what if poor Birdman had been grabbed by glans?

      • When Pee-Wee gets frustrated coz of the large girl in the way of his hole and blurts out “MOVE YOU FAT BITCH !, and blows everyone’s cover.

        Hilarious filums, and i have them on DVD.

    • Should have put some lit fireworks through the letterbox… I was going to say some turds on fire, but the dirty sandspade cunts would probably have eaten them…

  25. What a bunch of cunts on Question Time tonight, John McDonnell, SNP Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikhyourfist and Polly Toynbee to name 3.

    • Tasmina Ahmed-Sheikhyourfist, that is a good old Scotish name, what clan is that from ?

  26. That fucking bitch Polly Toynbee is on Question Time tonight. Get ready for some top class remoaning and crying about the fucking refugees. I’ve seen her house in Blackheath….I’ve stayed in hotels smaller than that. You could get 3 or 4 families in there and the bitch wouldn’t even know they were there. Fucking slag.

  27. Fucking cunt BBC running a hit piece on BBC two just now slating Brexit, finding cunts on the street who give them quotes such as “We should never of been given a referendum, we are not educated enough”.

    How long are we going to put up with this shite broadcaster and be forced to pay for it?

    How do you spell cunts with 3 letters? BBC!

    • I was going through my phone earlier deleting some old shit and I found something from sky news that I recorded the day after brexit.

      Some fuckin glorified tea lady moaning about how she is so ashamed and how she is highly educated. ….that’s why she’s serving coffee the cunt.

      I might sign up to you tube just so I can show you the cuntitude of this woman and her mate.

      • The BBC is boiling my piss on a regular basis, worst of all I have to pay the cunts to call me a thick cunt and preach at me.

    • I don’t watch stuff like that anymore in the sure knowledge it’s just hot air as Brexit IS going to happen.
      The remoaning cunts can bash on all they like as it will make fuck all difference.
      The ABBC don’t understand this and want to relight a lost war.
      Cunts.

  28. “Brexit IS going to happen.” I fucking hope so but I’m not so sure. It may technically be Brexit but in reality I reckon nothing much will change. As far as I can see the rich cunts always win because they always stick together. Does any cunt remember the Angry Brigade?

    • Yea I posted a “soft brexit” cunting on here a while ago but unfortunately it didn’t make it.
      I hope brexit goes through for their sake more than anyone else’s. The place will kick off big time if it doesn’t. That’s why I think they’ll try to get away with a soft as shit brexit which is basically NO brexit except in name.

  29. Ofcomcunt have told the BBC to be “more relevant to its audience”. Black bint Sharon White, head of regulator said that lots of people see the bbc as “too middle-aged, middle-class and white”. The cuntress has said she would make it a priority for Ofcomcunts when it takes over from the bbc trust next month as the next regulator. Utter utter cunts, fuck off and leave my country you bunch of stinky shitty left wing fucking arseholes

    • That’s fuckin nuts.

      Went over my my folks place the other day and me and my old man played spot the white man presenter on BBC news.

      They were all multicultural cunts!
      How can that be representative?
      London looks like that but not the rest of the count…. oh wait ….

      OK I guess having one white male out of 10 Presenters isn’t really representing the population properly.
      I’m pissed off now.

      I bet that cuntress has nothing to do with ANY minorities. All her friends will be white middle aged, middle class, lefty cunts.
      She personally won’t have anything to do with the cunts but she’ll enforce it on the rest of us.
      Ccccccuuuuuuunnnt!!

      • Sorry did I say minorities?

        I meant fuckin majorities!

        …seems that way anyway!

  30. I dont mind them personally as like blackandwhite cunt i always get a few freebies chucked in what i fucking HATE though is the cunts who take fucking trolleys laden with a weeks fucking shopping in there and start the fucking slow process of scanning a weeks worth of cunting groceries unfazed by the fucking massive queue forming behind them AND these are fucking always the stupid cunts who have no idea how to use the fucking things scan pay and leave you cunt it really is that simple

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