Shabby chic

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Who the fuck pays well over the top for an old set of shelves badly painted in primer or a mirror with glitter around the frame, i’ll tell you who, a cunt. The talentless cunts who churn this shit out who are under the misguided impression they are some sort of artists need one of their pastel blue lampstands inserted up their nose too!

Shabby chic = I saw you coming you fucking idiot now gimme £90 for that old chair I found in the road and painted gypsy green!

Nominated by: Pagliacci

26 thoughts on “Shabby chic”

  1. Well cunted Sir.

    I have a sister who is well into this kind of shit.

    More money than sense, with three horribly (not) brought up, spoiled brats for kids.

    One of the ‘Dahling, Mwah. Mwah’ brigade.

    For some reason I don’t get invited round there for Christmas any more… Couldn’t possibly think why.

    Being working class and having the ability to put a level 6 Guardian reader firmly in their place may have something to do with it.

    I can just see their stupid fucking faces after last time…. ‘It was worse than rape Dahling! He came at us with fact….and logic’.

    Stupid fucking cunts.

    Welcome to the real world.

  2. I disagree with you about the bods who make this crap being cunts unless of course you add clever in front of cunts. If they can get people to buy it thinking it is a status symbol bloody good luck to them, the old saying was “Where there’s muck there’s money” nowadays it’s “Where there’s mugs there’s money” I thought I was being praised recently about my painting and decorating but I mis-heard, they said it was shabby shit.

    • Not as clever as that cunt in Dorset that is selling Kilner Jars of English Country Air at £80 a pop. I kid you not…

      I mean, how do you know when the jar is empty?

    • Ah but these cunts think they are artists making something special where as I think they are just ordinary talentless cunts who have the use of both their arms. As for clever i’m not so sure, are they clever or the cunts that buy it thick as pigshit.

      I will agree with the saying ‘where there’s muck there’s brass’ but that phrase was coined regarding people doing hard work in a dirty trade that not many others wanted to do to earn a living, I can’t see that phrase applying to shabby chic as it’s a piece of piss and they’re all at it, but hey.

  3. My dog has done shabby chic skirting boards in my kitchen, free of charge. It looks shit, but I don’t hold it against him.

    Other than that I generally can’t be arsed with this modern obession with interior design.

    I do like a tidy garage though.

  4. I live in an area which the local council has deemed to call ‘The Antiques Quarter’ antiques mill, warehouse and shops that are full of this tat, come weekend there isn’t a parking space to be had, lots of tossers from the BBC at Salford Quays poncing around saying how quaint, I wonder how long they would last in one of the pubs round Failsworth Pole, another quaint landmark, how about a quaint punch up the bracket.

    • Noticed how many places try to ‘uptrend’ these days by making up fictitious ‘quarters’? And their maths is shit as well, some only have three named ones, wtf? Is the other one a spare quarter. I’d like to see more imaginative names for these fakezones, Manchester would be a good start – Hulme could be Heckler and Koch Quarter and so on, a bit of realism might not go amiss.
      Derby is a good one for historical reinvention on a remedial scale with one particularly unpleasant area whimsically called ‘The Lanes’, more like Ripper fucking alley. And what sort of city would call an area Pride Park? Fucking hell.

  5. Me entire gaff is shabby chic but that is the genuine patina orf centuries unwashed. Its all doine to bogus little slags like that tossing slaphead with the huge cap Drew Pritchard on telly who is actually based doine my way. “Reeeely cool”. Cunt.
    And the prices orf bits orf tarted up tat in charity shops. Two hundred quid for a “distressed” old cupboard. Bugger me, do any cunts buy this stuff?

  6. …and beware “antique pine” too. Heap of fackin’ old toss, pine didn’t come in ’til the ’60s.
    As an old mate of mine said when I exclaimed “Antique pine… you must be bloody joking!!”, if it’s what the punters want, then verily they shall have it. All done with an old bathtub, 30 gallons of boiling water and a load of Typhoo teabags. Saves having to drink the stuff, s’pose. Here at Hubbard Hall one does enjoy a cup of Earl Grey with a slice of lime, what! And as for that Allslopp bint, she can fack right orf!!

    • I’ll not hear a bad word directed at Aunty Queuey pine; while the tossers were buying and farting with that crap -back in the 70s/80s I was stocking up on oak. £1 for bedroom suite no one wanted: “Sold! don’t bring it back.” Bring it back? with rough saw at £300 a cubic foot no siree! I still have a cord stacked and sticked behind the shed, asset.

      You’re right though. Made me laugh when the dip-n-strip brigade got into full swing; in goes the anti-pine out came a kit of bits. Break out the glue and the caustic, and tea bags if you like, and what a waste of time.

      Just as it comes: no lime please.

      • When I retired and downsized I was living in a converted barn filled with Ducal pine furniture. The owner sold the company to Silentnight who basically used the name and shut the company down. It looked great in the barn, but would be ridiculous in our new place, so we stuck the lot on eBay. Got over £8,000 for it – wardrobes, bed, chests, dining room table, 10 chairs, sideboard…

        The first bit I got was a three drawer bedside cupboard. Owned it for 14 years and sold it for more than I paid for it. Ducal was quality stuff. People wanted it but couldn’t get it. We had a house full. There’s nothing like it on the market today. All you get it now is Oak Furniture Land shite and the like.

      • Bloody hell, just exactly how big was this barn? Might have been cheaper to rent it to Silentnight for a warehouse by t’ sounds of ‘t.
        Right on about Oak Furniture Land, it’s shite stuff, been nowhere near a cabinet maker or tradesman.

      • 3 bedrooms, big lounge 40×18 but 32ft to the top of the vaulted ceiling, kitchen about the same size but the 3 beds were over it. It was built around 1654. Quite modest really

      • Oak furniture land=World of leather=DFS=MFI=HabiTAT=Piss poor shite made in bulk, commissioned and imported directly from factories in India, China and Vietnam, no joke.

        You would think the cunts that buy this ‘oak furniture’ would tumble how shit it actually is but nope they are buying it hand over fist so the chap who owns it is now a multimillionaire, good luck to him.

    • With lemon? Here at ‘Peasant’s Doss” we take it with cow juice. No offence of course, each to one’s own. Try going to Betty’s Tea Rooms and asking for Milk with the Earl Grey, the looks of disdain as they metaphorically wipe your face with their shoes is worth it.
      Marks and Sparks do the nicest EG in bags, although I suspect you do yours with that Cornish stuff in leaf form.
      Chin chin.

  9. Best trick is to take your Farrah and Ball paint chart into your local diy boutique where they can scan your fave hue and mix you a gallon for fuck all, saving the change for a piss up. Then simply thrash fuck out of your new project with an old bike chain.
    After that it’s ready for eBay…

  10. Pick up a dirt cheap flat in Rotherham or Scunthorpe, stick some old brown furniture in there and whitewash the lot. Then rent out the now des res to the council for crackhead dossers or asylum seekers and in a month or two the lot will be so shit it will quadruple in value. Then just replace with similar gear and whitewash and bingo you have a very nice little earner: rent+compo+ebay dosh. Then make a TV programme. “Shabby Shit”. Nice one.

    • I thought Rotherham had been comprehensively whitewashing itself of late. I’d be careful of renting to asylum seekers there, not that the fuckwit council would give a monkeys. Nice idea though, especially with Scunthorpe, the folks who named that god forsaken border town did have a sense of humour/irony.

  11. Ladyboy Ga Ga is a cunt…
    Her Bowie ‘tribute’ was not about Bowie at all, or about paying tribute to the man…
    It was – as per fucking usual – about herself: about this circus freak creating ‘controversy’ and getting noticed… She/he/it could have just done a cover of one of his songs… But that would not get any ‘Ooh! Lady Ga Ga is being way out and shocking again!’ headlines, would it? What a fucking arsehole and what an attention seeking cunt….

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