Classic film remakes


How dare they. They are classics, they’ll always be classics; they may be classically good, they may be classically cheesy or they might even be so classically bad they come out the other side as classically brilliant. Here’s my selection of originals that have been duplicating mincer:

The Day the Earth Stood Still
12 Angry Men
The Flight of the Phoenix
High Noon
The Italian Job
The Day of the Jackal
The Ladykillers

And The Railway Children. How could they take the daughter from the original and have her as the mother in the remake? Does that count as incest? “Daddy. My daddy.” One of the best cinematographic moments ever. Add Brief Encounter to the list. kinell! A very sad old Cunt am I.

I’ll tell you what it is. Some brainless degree in media studies halfwit with access to more dollars than taste decides the original made money, so, with his genius input the remake must make more money. No you funking brain dead cunt the original made money because people liked it. I’m sure you erstwhile Cunters will have exceptions, but this is a Cunting in defence of those that are not here to defend themselves. Fuck me! I’m so sad I can pick up the dialogue no matter where you drop me into the Ladykillers, I love: the characters, post war London scenes, steam engines, the rollicking good script, actors with training and presence, the wacky -could only be British- premise and most of all the gentle violence. One little old lady and five hardened criminals, what could possibly go wrong. The others have had similar sad butchering and it’s just not good enough. Cue Bouncing ball and:

♫ We are the boys and girls all known as,
Minors of the ABC……………..♫

Just wait for The Madness of George Washington . The Cunts are fucking stupid enough.

A grumpy old dinosaur of a Cunt I might be, but at least I’m not a:

Classic film butchering Cunt.

Nominated by: King Cnut

58 thoughts on “Classic film remakes

  1. The re-make of Psycho was a fucking travesty, shot almost scene for scene as the original, what was the point? Simply to re-make it in colour? Surely if you are going to remake a film ( now termed re-imagine, FFS!) you should at least bring something new to the table.

    I have to disagree, but only slightly with the re-imagining ( FFS!!) of the Ladykillers though. Sure the original is still the best but the re-make was good. The Coen brothers rarely make a bad film and they did the original justice and brought a classic tale to a new audience so that’s fair enough in my book.

    What really gets on my tits are sequels and franchises, churning out the same formulaic crap time and again simply to make money. Classic case in point the fucking Hobbit. A short book written for kids which that cunt Peter Jackson managed to drag out over 3 films, non of them short. An arse numbing snorfest totaling 474 minutes.

    Oh, and while I’m at it Spectre is fucking shit and all.

    • Fuck the coen brothers the recake of ladykillers was terrible and Tom Hanks is a massive bellend so is that niggo Marlon Wayans. I agree the psycho remake was pretty bad but had its moments the original was amazing it can’t be beaten. Film industry is Dead! hollyweird killed it and murdered anything original to come from it.

    • some fat cow who had been eating chicken wings managed to fart through the battle scene of Lord of the Rings.
      they managed to time it with the drum rolls, I said very loudly in the quiet bit that if I found out who they were I was going to punch them.
      Rather spoilt the film for me.

    • They can stuff “Spectre” where the sun doesn’t shine. I loved the Bond movies from a very young age, be they preposterous far fetched cheese-fests or not. Connery, Moore, Lazenby, Dalton and Brosnan (apart from his last one, though it wasn’t Pierce’s fault) Then suddenly 007 becomes a gloomy emasculated Gollum lookalike in an ill fitting suit, moping his way through joyless, tired retreads of older, better movies. Those cunts who smugly proclaim that Old Misery Guts is the “best Bond ever” are talking out of their arses. And Barbara Broccoli is a cunt, her no-balls brother Michael G Wilson is a servile wimp cunt, screenwriters Neil Purvis and Robert Wade are cunts, Quantum of Solace writer Paul Haggis is a Marxist cunt, QoS director Marc Forster is a pretentious hack cunt, Sam Mendes is a Luvvie worshipping cunt with no idea how to direct action sequences, Lee Tamahori is a useless cunt who botched “Die Another Day” so badly that it destroyed the formula that had worked since the 1960s. And poor old Cubby Broccoli must be rotating in his grave.

      • Craig stumbles his way through Spectre as if he is on Valium and now says he would rather slit his wrists than play Bond again. Lets face it, the cunt is far too busy to play Bond again, having such a busy schedule that he made precisely fuck all films between Skyfall and Spaktra.

      • I believe that every other movie Craig has made since Casino Royale has sunk without trace, probably due to him having all the charisma of a carrot…..

      • I’ve never seen the appeal of Bond films beyond my childhood years, same old shit all the time. I hate the way they make a big deal out of the character as well “Who will be the next James Bond?” “Will the new Bond be Black?” “Will the new Bond be a Woman?”

        Who gives a fuck! He’s a shitty generic character who wouldn’t get half as much attention if he wasn’t a British “institution” or whatever they call it.

      • Well, you see that’s the fucking problem, isn’t it? Bond is a generic character in the same way as Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe or Sam Spade are generic. So far we have not seen the full character on screen that we see on the page. Craig/Mendes came very close in Skyfall but then, for some inexplicable reason, decided to throw the boat into reverse and make a Moore era spy spoof instead of finishing the job. What a set of cunts!

      • For all it’s “artistic merit” Skyfall had plot holes big enough to drive Pierce Brosnan’s invisible Aston Martin through. At least they bumped off Dame Judi though….

    • I agree, Rich… That Bates Motel TV series is also fucking shit… One thing I hate as much as crappy remakes is those revised and remade stories that try to make evil bastards suddenly look human and sympathetic… The aforementioned Bates Motel is one, the diabolical Hannibal show is another… And that evil bitch from Disney’s Sleeping Beauty animated feature, now all ‘misunderstood’ thanks to that remake featuring that cumdumpster cunt, Angelina Jolie…

    • Agreed and I would also add that if you ever have the misfortune to be told you have days to live with some terminal disease, go to the cinema and watch Peter Jacksons ‘re imagining’ of King Kong it will slo w time right down such is its fucking length and sheer tedium.

      • When,at the end of King Kong, Jack Black’s character says “Twas beauty killed the Beast” I shouted “No it wasn’t, it was you, you fat annoying cunt”.

      • It seems clear to me that Peter Jackson deserves a cunting. The frizzy haired scruffy bearded kiwi cunt has clearly never heard of the word “CUT”. He makes “fantasy” films, i.e. films for kids and slow adults and he makes them long, very long indeed. His fans think the sun shines out of his arse and that he is the bestest director of all time. But they are all lame brained fucking nerds with personal hygiene issues so who gives a fuck about what they think. Jackson, you cunt, try making a film about real life humans and bring it in at under 90 minutes and then we will see what kind of director you are. Shit in other words.

  2. Lest we forget the modern butchery of The Fog and The Wicker Man, both of which I stomached about 15 minutes of….on tv I may add as I knew they wouldn’t be worth cinema money.

    As for many of the other shit remakes a lot of them ‘star’ Nicole Kidman for some reason.

    • The Stepford Wives and Invasion of the Body Snatchers remakes had her in them. Wonder if she shagged that Meerkat…..

    • Fucking hell but the remake of Wicker Man was as big a piece of shit as was ever committed to celluloid. Nicolas Cage has a huge talent for dropping himself into really shit films.

      • Not to mention the remakes of Total Recall and Robocop, utter travesties both of em when the originals were memorable and much more intense.

      • I gave both a wide berth. Lets hope the don’t try to re-imagine (FFS!) Blade Runner. Ridley Scott has already tried to squeeze as much as possible from the movie by releasing various directors cuts, special editions and re-masters so I’ll bet the cunt is itching to cash in again. After all he has previous by cashing in on Alien with Prometheus.

      • Not an old classic but the remake of Dances with Wolves with tails in other words Avatar was a right fucking ripoff cheek. The Avatar writers should be paying royalties to Michael Blake!

    • I managed to watch the whole of the Fog remake. You didn’t miss anything. It was bland.

  3. They remade 12 Angry Men?? That is a fucking insult. One of the best films ever made.
    By the way, they’re remaking Big Trouble in Little China, which, in my opinion, is easily one of the best 80’s popcorn movies there ever was. Plus they’re sticking The Rock in it. Nice man but the cunt isn’t fit to comb Kurt Russells lustrous hair when it comes to screen presence and acting. Which also reminds me, they remade The Thing (for a second time), wiping their dirty arse-holes on TWO classics. Leave the greats alone and try and think up something original you lazy cunts.

    • The recent “The Thing” is a “prequel” to John Carpenter’s version, showing what happened at the Norwegian camp supposedly. Not seen it but it’s probably shit. Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead is utterly shit and even rips off Danny Boyles “28 Days Later”

      • The Thing prequel WAS shit. It didn’t have the claustrophobic or paranoid feel of the original movie.

      • Technically, you could say they were both original, since they were different takes on the novella ‘Who Goes There’, by John W. Campbell Jr, written under the pen name Don A. Stuart. But the The 2010 Thing, was supposedly a prequel of the 1982 Thing.

  4. I am not sure what is worse Film remakes or Prequels, Sequels and “lets try and squeeze some more money out of the name” Cuntquels (Star Wars). Unfortunately money drives a lot of this and whenever these cunt Directors, Producers whoever they are see an opportunity to make some more money they can’t resist. Total recall was fucking shit, literally the same story and scenes with up to date effects and all. Star Wars 1-3 were all shit and in my opinion the weird characters looked worse than in the originals which were made decades ago without all the technology available today. Anyways you still get some good films but the Film Industry like the Music Industry is saturated and a lot of shit gets through so you have to wade through it you cunts.

  5. Is it true they’re remaking Back to the future. Nooo… You cannot improve on perfection. Great scott , don’t tamper with the future it could have untold consequences.

    • I can just see it now. Dwayne Johnson as the Doc, Denzel Washington as Marty, going back through time in a pimped up Escalade to a 1985 Detroit. Freeze mothafucker.

  6. Well, Get Carter was remade in 2000 with Sylvester Stallone as Carter, yes folks Sylvester fucking Stallone! So I guess anything is possible, no classic is safe from a naused up remake.

    • Don’t forget Hit Man (1972) where Bernie Casey played Carter. What a shite film – I think it was Pam Grier, back in the days when she was gorgeous, gets eaten a by a leopard or tiger or some big fuckin’ cat.

  7. I see that nobody’s mentioned Pamela Stephenson’s Barb Wire was a remake of Casablanca. I’m quite happy to watch either, obviously for different reasons.

  8. In fairness some remakes work quite well, particularly with a time shift.
    A few examples: –
    Forbidden Planet (Ann Margaret was never so horny)
    Assault on Precinct 13 – Carpenter’s original was brilliant but the remake compared quite well
    Trespass, originally called The Looters, (1992, not the Cage/Kidman one) – based on The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

    “Remakes” was good choice for cunting because it’s reminded me of a number of films to look for freebie viewing on the net so I can make sure I get as much of my monthly download allowance as possible from my broadband provider, the ubercunt Kingston Communications (Hull). When I get round to it I’ll prepare a proper cunting nomination for KC.

  9. West Side Story is a re-telling of Romeo and Juliet, Forbidden Planet is the Tempest, My Own Private Idaho is Henry 4th etc. etc.

  10. The Equalizer, featuring that cunt Denzel Washington, was a pile of turd… It doesn’t come near the original Edward Woodward series… Which was (sort of) like Callan in New York…

    Daniel Craig should never have been allowed near James Bond… First of all he is an ugly cunt, he is also a dwarf, he has turned the great 007 into a whinging, sour arsed nark, and he is also a Scouser… Sam Smith’s theme tune is shite as well…

    • Sam Smith is a complete an utter cunt anyway. He needs a red hot poker shoved right up his old dirtbox, he just might enjoy it, and it might help the cunts awful fucking singing too.

    • Even fanboys who like the film are grudgingly admitting that the song is shite. It amazes me that they picked an actor for Blofeld who is even shorter than Craig, Christoph Waltz is no Donald Pleasance, not even on a good day.

  11. As cringeworthy as this will sound i’ve seen a stage musical called Return of the Forbidden Planet (5 times). It has a rock n roll soundtrack played live on stage and it’s fucking better than it sounds, that is all..

  12. Can I cite the remake of Halloween as one of the shittest things ever? The original film is perfect. The remake by Rob “I AM A FUCKING CUNT” Zombie was a pile of cunt-shit. Wasted Malcolm McDowell, pissed over the original, I hope Rob “I AM A FUCKING CUNT” Zombie dies of horse-AIDS.

  13. You can’t remake a classic, because it’s a classic for a reason

    Agree with most of the flims talked about, great movies

    Wicker man was on the other night, Mrs C was doing the ironing, but Ingrid waved a perkie little nip over the steam and underpants

    Such a trooper

  14. Ingrid Pitt… Lovely stuff..

    One of the worst remakes ever was that shithouse, Jude Law in Alfie…
    As Alfie (aka a certain Mr. Caine) himself might say, ‘Worra fuckin’ cunt!’

    Those recent Superman films are shite too…The Richard Donner original and the Donner version of Superman II (Richard Lester turned it into Benny Hill!) won’t be bettered…

    • They have a new Wonder Woman in the upcoming Batman V Superman film and she is a proper skinny thing. At least Lynda Carter looked the part. Watching her run in slow motion fuelled many teenage fantasies but the new girl looks like a bicycle frame with eyeballs.

      • Very true, Mr. B… I remember Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman being on TV, as we were watching my little sister said ‘Dad, she’s trying to stop than tank!’ My old man replied, ‘She’ll bloody stop anything dressed like that…’

        I’ve seen the new Wonder Woman… Some skinny tart called Gil Gadot… Crap… It’s like the remade CGI Hulk… It doesn’t have the pathos Bill Bixby brought to the character… OK, all Lou Ferrino did really was growl and run around, but Bixby as Banner was the star…

  15. The remakes of Planet Of The Apes are total bollocks… The first two (the Charlton Heston ones) are the real deal… Too much is done with technology these days… The whole point of the originals was to have human-like apes: the humans usurped and surpassed by the apes… Not like this new shite: a load of CGI chimps… Fucking Brook Bond monkeys with guns…

    • The Tim Burton one was awful, even the makeup looked crude compared to the early films. I particularly liked the spaceship with systems that still worked despite having been crashed in pieces into the desert 2000 years previously. It’s also just occurred to me to wonder where the horses on the planet came from when it’s not meant to be Earth as in the original films, maybe I’m just nitpicking……

  16. My girlfriends mate invited us around to watch ‘Who Dare Wins,’ a film that I have not seen since I was a kid, my girlfriend had never seen it. Off we went to her mates house, she had it on amazon on her telly, and we started watching… it wasn’t Who Dare Wins, oh my good gawd no, it was some old bollocks called ‘He Who Dares,’ and David Jason wasn’t even fucking in it.

    SAS galloping around without masks, doing martial arts, and allowing some big titted tart to disarm them. It was so fucking awful, I could not sit there with my girlfriends hand on my leg telling me to shut up any longer. Whoever made this film deserves a good kicking in the balls. I checked it out on IMDb, and the budget was US$1,000,000. Thanks you yee-hawrin cunts.

Comments are closed.