Now to blow me own trumpet am a pretty large distinguished looking old gent (and not so much orf the old) breeding will out ect ect. Country long went to the dogs but beyond the pale now. Unable to manoeuvre me old arse in to a retail premises these days without some poxy cunt in a high viz vest eye balling me. “Can I help you fella?” “You awlright fella?” “Oi.Lookin’ for sumpthin’ fella?” The last from a mincing arse rat in a charity shop.
Having hazarded me bollocks for both King and Queen and Country am now taken for a dodgy character by a breed orf door/store security cunts young enough to be me grandsons – not that I would have jumped their rancid minged grandmas in me drunkest hour in the darkest days orf the blitz.
Respect is a word foreign to the youth orf today and their inbred pound shop parents. Which is why I may blow from time to time. Hate this England orf little Hitlers with their ciftificates orf community development skills, inclusion workshops and risk assessment surveys. Fuck you one and all.
Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke
( You might need some of these then, Sir Limply? )
Talking of Security staff these days. Some are fucking taking the piss, most of these security guards could barely guard a shop from a sheep let alone a grown man. Most are 5ft 1 and skinny cunts. I get embarrassed for them when I see them. as for the ‘Can I help you’ bullshit. If I needed help I would ask you you dumb CUNT.
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I once saw a couple arguing outside a Tesco, it was pretty heated, anyway, some little pissrat in a hi-viz jacket walks up with a walkie talkie to which the bloke shouted “fuck off cunt before I rip your fucking head off” – hi-viz twat made a quick exit before getting on his walkie, within 10 minutes four old bill cars swooped in like the fucking Sweeney busting an armed robbery.
It was years ago now, but that would have made a good video for Youtube
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I was in a restaurant just last week and the adolescent waiter addressed me continually as “dude”.
Not having a baseball bat immediately to hand, I was limited to to advising the boy in no uncertain terms that it is neither professional nor respectful to address patrons thus and asked him to call the manager over so that I could make my displeasure known to his boss.
And don’t even get me started on waiters / checkout staff / retail assistants who interrogate customers – “So what are you doing for the rest of the day? Just work? Where do you work? Any plans for the weekend?” – FUCK OFF, YOU CUNTS – I’M NOT YOUR FUCKING FRIEND AND IT’S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.
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Was he american or just a wanker who desired to be? The dude slang is very american used by surfer cunts who pretended to be cool, its origins are very californian made by cunts who ride the waves often to try to get a chicks attention but usually dying in the waves or ending up in hospital instead.
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An English hipster teen.
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Good stuff, being called dude is almost as bad as being called mate.
I’m not your fucking mate you antipodean cunt
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I’ll talk to my barbers (hairdressers my arse!) a bit about football (one is a red, the other is a bitter blue), but that’s about it…
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Yeah, what I really mean is at the supermarket checkout or by some spotty cunt in a restaurant…
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Fella wipes eh? do you wipe your ass with it or your cock and balls. I guess this is for people who haven’t heard of soap and water.
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I would like to nominate:
Good Morning Britain
GMB is ITV’s breakfast show, originally it was called TV-AM, then GMTV and back in the 90’s it actually used to beat the BBC’s breakfast with higher viewing figures.
Those days have long since gone, along with GMTV which was morphed in to Daybreak and now Good Morning Britain.
Despite these changes the same old cunts are still there (Kate Garraway, Dr Hillary Jones, Richard Arnold, Ben Shepard & Ross King)
ITV promised a more news based show but actually delivered an even bigger pile of shit than GMTV.
Susanna Reid & Charlotte Hawkins were poached from the BBC & Sky (respectively) but their addition to the show has been a massive failure.
Viewers have abandoned the show in droves, case in point:
GMTV axed in 2010 with viewing figures averaging 700,000
Daybreak replaced GMTV but was axed in 2014 with viewing figures of 600,000
GMB currently averaging 500,000 but has been as low as 450,000
At this rate ITV would be better off getting the presenters to Tweet the news over Twitter, the presenters have more followers than viewers!
Whilst the show was lauded as being more news based it is now even more obsessed with 1 Direction, what David Beckham had for tea and whatever god awful reality shite is being punted by ITV.
The presenters are fucking awful too:
Susanna Reid – Total cunt who believes every man is in love with her and constantly has to flash her knickers to get in the papers, or lick her finger, or make some double entendre or even worse flirt with men young enough to get the interest of Yewtree!
Charlotte Hawkins – Pleasant enough but bland as fuck, if only she got her fucking gusset on display then I am sure the viewing figures would increase!
Ben Shephard – Old relic from the GMTV days, still looks about 14 but has the interviewing skills of a prolapsed anus.
Sean Fletcher – Who? some token ethnic from Sky who does sod all and has the charisma of a shit stained condom.
Kate Garraway – another like Miss Reid, total cunt, looks like a horse and her only talent seems to be her saggy tits and shouting a lot.
Laura Tobin – BBC reject who couldn’t get the weather right if she looked out of the fucking window.
The whole shows news seems to be based around how much advertisers are willing to pay,
you have a new breakfast cereal, GMB will run a feature on how fibre is good for you and can cure cancer.
They also runs stories relating to ITV shows, case in point:
A few months back one of the opening headlines was:
Peter Barlow murder trial.
Ok you may think, until you realise Peter Barlow is a fictional character in ITV’s Coronation Street, how the fuck is that news?
The sooner ITV axe this shit and put on re-runs of Love Thy Neighbour, Rising Damp or On The Buses the better.
CUNTS
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I shall add it to the CuntQ…
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I share your pain Sir Limply. You need to get your hands on some ricin (one molecule kills one cell), modify your brolly and jab the annoying cunts in the genital region thereby injecting a lethal dose of said chemical straight into their flaccid cocks. Then offer them a ‘fella’ to quickly spruce up their man bits. A man should always have orange smelling bollocks when visiting the morgue. Failing that you could just douse them in petrol and burn the buggers unto death.
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They sell ricin down the Jamaican food shop near me.
Oh wait, thats ricin pea
I couldn’t resist…I’ll get my coat!
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Don’t forget the bloodclaat Curry Goat.
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