Celebs on the TV

Celebs on the Farm, Celebs Dating, Celebs Gogglebox.

Any tv programme with the word ‘celeb’ in it is a guarantee of low-brow, low-quality, lowest common denominator cuntery.

My lovely wife joined me in bed one night (normally cause for celebration) but then announced that she wanted to watch one of these horror shows. I just couldn’t bring myself to agree upon which she unleashed a torrent of abuse in my direction. The gist of which is that I gather that I am selfish.

I simply can not abide these utterly moronic side shows. The trailers are more than I can bear. In one for the farming fiasco a gay talks about sucking off a farmer which everyone finds hilarious. To me it is sickening. Thus I am a homophobe too. Not so, I just don’t like vulgarity.

Gay men are fine by me but do they really enjoy being represented by effemes like Alan Carr or Rylan Clark?

Every ‘reality’ show you could think of has been done to death by celebs; untalented non-entities, mostly with estuary English accents and limited vocabularies, vain, thick and annoying. Neither entertaining nor even vaguely amusing. Just show offs taking the easy money route to eventual ignominy.

I do however have some suitable suggestions for celeb shows:

Celebs Jump off a Cliff

Celebs get up my Nose

Celebs go to Syria

Celeb Bakeup (one for Uncle Terry there)

Celebs Fuck Off and are Never Seen Again

Celeb Archery (with celebs pinned to the targets)

Pointless Celebrities (not a show just a statement)

Nominated by: Lotd Helpuss


.. and supported by: Mark 

Celebs (Cunts) on the Farm.

Although I never watch this, just the advert alone was bad enough to boil my piss. Just who the fuck do these cunts think they are? Kerry Katona???? Why are people still giving this loud mouthed, slut a fucking platform? Who are the cunts that actually watch this shit? These so called ‘Celebs’ along with their avid followers need to be pushed in a slurry pond and left at that.

67 thoughts on “Celebs on the TV

  1. Thoroughly endorse this cunting – summed up by Lotd Helpuss perfectly thus:
    ‘Any tv programme with the word ‘celeb’ in it is a guarantee of low-brow, low-quality, lowest common denominator cuntery.’
    I defy anyone to disagree.

      • To think CS a person like Willie Rushton was a celebrity back then. He would be in the middle square.!
        Yeah a political cartoonist and journalist.
        His favourite writer was GK Chesterton which I like.

      • He really wasn’t, though, was he Miles? For authentic “celebrity” in its true sense, it is necessary to delve far deeper than A(nglia)T(ele)V(ision)’s offerings irrespective of their apparent coeval polish.

        The very notion itself of celebration – outwith any simply pedestrian meaning, that is – is so hard to pin down as to be effectively bootless. Anthropologically speaking, extreme “wealth”, with its concomitant “power”, has always been “celebrated”; more broadly than in a simian context, it is a facet of all evolution itself from the birds and bees of your back garden all the way “up” to strutting knobjockies captured on Orthicon-based equipment (and ever onwards into the current charge-coupled device era) .

        Pissed again… oops! I blame the 5-HT₂ₐ receptors’ response to unnecessary serotonin agonists, but obviously it really the C₂H₅OH.

      • You certainly are pissed. ATV was Lew Grades Associated Television, nothing to do with Anglia at all. ATV Midlands made Celebrity Squares which later transferred to Central on the franchise renewal loss.

      • Really Mr Ajax?

        Barbara Windsor
        John Insane
        Arfur Molland

        There are other contestants just as ropey.

        Utter shat.

      • You sound more pissed than I am, Paul, and certainly less relaxed. That reply was a complete non sequitur. “Other contestants just as ropey” as what, exactly? I was responding to Miles’ comment with that metaphysical ramble and you wade in with some tangential attempted invective.

        Glad you enjoyed the YouTube clip all the same. I think my point to mystic maven’s “blackball challenge” well-enough made prior to Miles’ comment about Willie Rushton’s dubious credentials as a celebrity (and my ill-advised riposte).

        Are we taking this a touch too seriously peût être, Monsieur Maskinback? Whatever would Max Bygraves have said¹?

        ¹ kindly don’t answer that

      • Eh up! Coolforcunts is back (20:50) with his uptick algorithm. I was wondering where he’d been this last day or two.

        Huzzah, as “Mike the Knight” might have it… here we go.

        The other day, Mr Coolforcunts managed 50—odd upticks in less than two minutes In the middle of the night. He must have a low latency transport protocol and ISP! I was genuinely impressed at his dedication, if a little vicariously embarrassed (on his behalf, that is).

        Seems like the new nameserver didn’t fix that little issue (hoho… we’ll
        first have to talk CfC [and others] into using his bandwidth and processor power for Bitcoin mining to get rid of the uptick gremlin, I trow]

        [Opens popcorn]

      • Keep up, CS!

        Coolforcunts is history. He now goes by the snazzy new nomenclature of The BestRevengeIsLivingWell.

      • Yes RTC I know that rather well, hence my insertion of

        [and others]


        BestRevengeIsLivingWell is certainly one of the “others”. Paradoxically, rather as I am still “CS” to you, BestRevengeIsLivingWell (and other of CfC’s numerous items of hosiery – sorry to be laborious here) are still Coolforcunts to me.

        Hence my precise wording. Try to keep up? I’m trying to get an early night. Tomorrow I have a few particularly nasty pieces of work to interview who are looking at quite a stretch (for conspiracy to supply bash), as well as other more serious offences (alleged “taxman” activities).
        Rhe latter will be easily rebutted, however, as the Police fucked it up so I’m more relaxed about it than they are!


      • Pleased to learn that my many other “disguises”¹ successfully foxed² you unlike M Leclerc(?)’s craven attempts, Harold.

        ¹ including, but not limited to:
        Les Dawson, Oranjeboom, Yootha Joyce, John Inman, The Giant Peach, Frank Uphill Gardener, Thora Hird, Fanny by Gaslight, Flu Manchu, Pissful Flaps, José warrior, Violent Bot, Peter Cushing Syndrome, Sweaty Bloater, José Marionette, Xiao Xiong Mao, A Noints, Greta Høwdäreyöu von Schittbückett’s, Sixtus Reesty-Minge, Dee Fenestrates, Mister Sheen, Justin Hustwitt, Hugh R Waring, Tobler-O-Rum, Rear Admiral Mansfield Smith-Cummings, John Wayne, Teal Ptarmigan, Mouwophouders…

        as well as the straightforward anagrams of čaughtsoeððing, viz:
        Egg’d U and t’Chips
        Hindu Cadets
        Despatching Dug
        DC Dinesh G Gupta✔️
        Tashi Dendup GCG
        Induced Path DGG
        The Puddings GCA
        Dead Things CUP✔️
        Gun G dispatched
        D Paunchiest DG
        Stupid Head CGGN
        Adducting GHSP
        Dad’s hip cunt egg
        Chest Pain UGGDD
        Dichtend Gagups
        Gutsagend dich P
        Candides Thug P
        Pied Cunt Shag DG
        Cunt Shagg DipEd✔️
        I shagged cunt (DP)
        Ged & I shag cunt DP!
        Ged & I DP hag cunts
        Gedi DP cunt shag

        There are others.

        ² no real intention of foxing anyone, obviously. That would be too easy, inauthentic, and pointless

  2. Even worse are the celeb edition game shows where the jackpot for their chosen charities is most likely far less than the cunt’s appearance fees.
    And how the fuck do these camp/gay celeb wankers appeal to viewers? Larry Grayson did a better and cleaner job of it decades ago, so it ain’t cutting edge.
    As I’ve said before, telly is 99.999999999% aimed at women (thick, chavvy benefit claiming types) and therein lies the problem. Guaranteed lowest common denominator shit.

  3. I’m lucky,
    I have one of those tvs with a off and on setting,
    And with various other channels.
    So can miss this utter shite.

  4. I might watch Celebs go Fiddler’s country estate and it ends up being some sort of Running Man style gameshow.

    Fiddler chasing them on a quad bike in full witchfinder regalia 😂

  5. Shows like this are for thick cunts.

    Sadly, it seems we have a lot of thick cunts as they keep making shows like this.

    There could be good idea or two to be had for this format though.

    Celebrity Pikey – C list cunts get to live with a pikey mob for a year. I reckon that would be fucking hilarious if screened live and uncut.

    Celebrity Royale – Like the film ‘Battle Royale’ the cunts fight to the death in a pit, with the last man/woman standing getting a 5 year contract for Eastbenders and an Iceland foods advertising contract.

    They’d be ripping each other’s heads off for that. And all for our entertainment.

    Celebrity surgeons – to win, they’ll need to learn how to perform life saving operations…on each other. They get 30 minutes with Google to learn before each op and a bottle of vodka for anaesthesitic (for the patient – you’ll probably need to point that out to them).

    HP Sauce – Celebs try to avoid a randy and charging Harvey Price as they live with him in a large, inescapable room. The women will be dressed in sexy lingerie and the men dressed as giant cheeseburgers. Depending on his mood, somebody is getting fucked.

    They’ll be attempting to avoid being struck by Harvey’s ‘special sauce’ as he gets randy, hence the title.

  6. I am pleased to say that Mrs Norman despises all reality and celebrity TV. She hates Simon Cowell, thinks Ant and Dec are coneheaded cunts, and she also has a passionate hatred of Ru Paul.

    No wonder I married her.

  7. Separate bedrooms and separate TVs is the answer, Lord Helpuss.

    Works a treat for me and Lady Creampuff. Not that Lady C would ever stoop so low as to watch this farm atrocity you speak of. Neither of us have ever been much into bestiality.

    • We do have separate TVs Ruff Tuff but hers is in the lounge where she watches The Orange Women of Real County or something like that while I watch Minder or the Sweeney on the bedroom set. She insists on joining me eventually though and we have to compromise with Thick Brits in the sun or some such.

  8. Mrs M and I only watch 2 tv shows together.
    And ‘our Yorkshire farm’.
    Both wholesome tv viewing suitable for families.

    • If they combined the two they’d definitely be onto something.

      “My wife loves your friesans. Oh just…one…more thing..”

      “Ney lad. Was ‘tha on about tha now, rum bugger? Comin here with tha fancy yank ways, nylons and bananas. Thas ne’er takin thee alive, I’ll tell thee that for free tha bloody apath.’

    • @MNC. Love ‘Our Yorkshire Farm ‘ Me and Ethel have had many happy holidays up in Swaledale.
      Lovelies place on Earth.
      We had a good natter with Amanda Owen, years ago, when she only had three kids. Really down to earth woman. What a great life and great mum and dad those kids have.
      Viking country.
      Evening MNC.

      • Evening Jack.
        Yes life lived as it should be.
        The kids all happy playing and working outdoors not hunched over computer games.
        Its very rare I like people on tv,
        But really like Clive & Amanda Owen and all their kids.
        A family as it should be.

      • The day we were chatting to her, she’d been repairing a dry stone wall, with a baby strapped to her, proper woman.
        Not like these modern types, who call out the paramedics for a broken nail.
        Amanda should be cloned, many, many times.

      • Nice looking girl too Jack, 6ft 2in!
        I wish them every happiness,
        In a world of vacant celebs and orrible types the Owen family are a breath of fresh Swaledale air.
        Nice too see decent people do exist and no shoe ins from the LGBTQ brigade.

      • Too bleak for the Nancy Squad up there.
        Not conducive to cottaging and poofy theatrics.

  9. I don’t recognise any of them cunts, apart from that bit of 90s fanny, Caprice, at the back.

    They call them ‘celebrity’ shows, but they are always crammed with has beens and nonentities.

    • The one in the centre with the flat cap and pitchfork is Paul Merson Norman, you’d have though being an alcoholic, gambling addict and cokehead would have been his lowest point.

      • Merse has been a low rent celebrity media whore for some time now. Any (and I mean any) football related person snuffs it, Merson will be on Sky TV: crying like a big girl and like he has lost one of his own family. He even does this when he doesn’t even know the person who died.

        Also a bit of a cunt too. The tale of Merson in a bar, flicking his spit into some bird’s hair and thinking it was funny while he was on England duty springs to mind. Well, Merson thought it was funny until Robbo gave him a slap.

  10. Fuck a Duck this sort of caper upsets me.
    Fucking perma tan day glo toothed mouth breathers shouting at each other and falling over.
    Thick as shit cunts.
    I’d rather be a tramp than act like this for money.
    Celebrity Paragliding Through Anti Aircraft Fire for me.
    Winner gets kneecapped then oven.
    Fuck OFF.

      • These thespian types and tv sodomists, anyone else noticed their teeth?
        They ALL have ultra white massive yank teeth like a fuckin Beegee!
        In a group photo it looks like the starting line of the Grand National.
        I like natural yellow teeth like what I have.
        They need chemically castrating.

  11. Above middle is Arg. He has an issue with his weight. So does his on/ off girlfriend Gemma Collins, GC. She has a lot of lost weight recently. He has gained some.
    Not long ago the situation was reversed- he had lost a lot, she had put a lot in. Before that it was the other way round.
    He says hurtful things when she has put some on. But she gives as good as she gets when the tables are turned.
    It’s an up and down relationship.

    • Miles@
      Whos the fit blonde one in Daisy Duke shorts with a pig between her legs?
      Shes the only one id save from the devastating fire.
      She can bring the pig too…

      • I think I am like that RT.
        That’s why I write seriously about superficial things, playfully about the profound
        I am a bit of a paradox.

  12. Er…don’t know her Miserable. I thought it might be a celeb called Flanagan. But she looks too young.
    The second up on the left I think is screeching homosexual from a programme about holiday reps. I could be wrong.
    Caprice is there as Norman states. I am pretty sure she was in ‘Celebs on the Farm’ before. Maybe something happened and she’s been given another go.
    In the top right hand corner is Farmer Chris’. He really does enter into the spirit if it. He is very serious in his evaluation of a celeb’s performance on the farm. He decides which cdlebrity has to go each time. Often it is tearful .

    • Im glad its tearful.
      Id be tearful too in the company of those vacuum heads.
      But farms can be dangerous places!
      Lot of heavy machinery, unpredictable cattle and horses easily spooked etc.
      Sooner or later….😀😀👍

  13. Celebrity Death Match was entertaining enough. I do not now, nor ever have watched any reality tv, soaps or celebrity nonsense.

  14. I have a theory that nobody at all ever watches one of the many ‘Real Housewives’ programmes.
    They advertise constantly, with alleged housewives who all seem to have oversized plastic tits and Hollywood teeth.
    When they smile they show almost every veneered tooth that they have.
    How do they do that?
    My wife says that they all have 2 cock gobs.
    In a world where any dullard can offer an opinion about anything, I am yet to hear or read anything about these many series.
    They must be produced just for product placement.

    • I did a job on the set of the Cheshire housewives thing.
      Met a few of them.
      One was dead nice, down to earth.
      One though got out of a flash car and I struggled not to spew up.
      Shed been under the knife more than Lurpak butter.
      Like John Merrick in lipstick.

  15. Here are a few suggestions for those cunts that will be in anything.
    Celebs through the windscreen. Z list maggots replace crash test dummies.
    Celebrity land mine hopscotch. Set in sunny Angola, cunt with most limbs left wins.
    Come die with me. Slebs are given a powerful motorcycle and very strong LSD capsules, and they complete to who is rider and pillion through the sedate streets of Delhi.
    Who blinks first. Gemma Collins and Katie Price are given single shot pistols and play Russian roulette.

  16. I don’t watch celeb shite either but this one could be a laugh:

    Harry and Megan Vs. The royals – battle royale. A weekend of hunting.

  17. Rashford scores a goal and puts a shift in. Stop the fucking clocks.

    And Mourinho? Spurs have problems ‘I cannot resolve myself’.
    Didn’t see that coming…

  18. Celebrity themed television shows are rubbish. Those reality ones in particular. Nothing real about them. People famous for being famous are idiots.

    People famous for doing something good is better in my opinion.
    A famous person guest starring on a television show, that is different. Was a special treat in the olden days. 🙂
    This one in particular…


  19. is there no way we can invent a charity gathering so we can get all these turdy lowlifes together in one place and then blow them up?

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