Track and Trace Scammers

‘Good afternoon. I’m calling from the NHS Track-and-Trace Service. According to our system, you are likely to have been in close proximity to someone who has tested positive for COVID-19. This means that you now need to self-isolate for seven days and take a test.’

‘OK. Can you tell me who that person was?’

‘I’m not able to tell you that. That is confidential information.’

‘Right. Um . . . so . . .’

‘But you do need to be tested within the next 72 hours. Can I get the best mailing address so that we can send a kit to you?’

‘OK.’ (Gives Sir Limply Stoke address.)

‘I just need to take a payment card so that we can process all this and send the kit off to you.’

‘Sorry – a payment card? I thought this was free?’

‘No, I’m afraid not. There is a one-off fee of £50 for the kit and the test results. Could you read off the long card number for me, please, when you’re ready.’

‘No, that’s not right. This is part of the NHS, so there’s no charge.’

‘I’m afraid there is. Can you give me the card number, please. This is very important, and there are penalties for not complying.’

Apparently the above is now doing the rounds targeting the elderly. Be particularly wary if they offer a test centre in Nigeria.

Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke 

40 thoughts on “Track and Trace Scammers

  1. How are you, Sir?
    Absolutely right. The amount of e-mails one gets telling me that I have won the Nigerian Lottery. Then there is the parking stanley who phones up saying ‘Dis is Microsoft Vindows’ or ‘Dis is Amazon’. Utter bollocks and the usual peaceful chappies on the make. Funny how they always want your card details, isn’t it? Cunts.

  2. If I got that call…..

    Hello, this is NHS track and trace, you have been in close…

    Right, stop …. I haven’t been near anyone other than my cat for the last month, so you can fuck off, bye.

    Which is true.

    • I always give your address too Sir Limply,
      Yours or Fiddlers.
      Cunts scamming the vulnerable and elderly,
      But this was bound to happen, some orrible cunts about, scam pakis or africunts instead!
      Or better yet get a fuckin job.
      They wont track n trace me im paranoid, very rarely give anyone any address details (see above)

  3. Thankfully I never leave my property very often, got plenty to do, any foreign sounding cunt (except me with my Rhodesian brogue) will be swiftly told to fuck off if they contact me, if they are caught I believe 2 dozen whips of the sjambok should be they’re punishment, then hanged at dawn in Cecil Square, unfortunately such justice is not allowed now, fuck them all, utter cunts!!!

  4. I have never knowingly been targeted. Probably because I never answer the phone unless I know who it is, and often not then either. I don’t have a mobile, and never open emails that appear even remotely unusual. They get deleted immediately.

    • Youd be best leaving any details especially financial ones with some you can trust Ruff,
      Maybe someone northern, keep them safe that way!
      Maybe bearded too…

  5. Strangely enough I’m just in the middle of dealing with a similar scam…..I had an obvious Homosexual dressed in Police uniform knock on my door…said that it was in connection to an incident involving a pushbiker, my tractor and a lot of vile language….the pretend Copper was obviously about to try and extort money by claiming that I had to pay a fine or something….but I’m no fool…I’m aware that Police recruitment standards have fallen,but not to the level of employing some mincing,lisping Sodomite….which is exactly what I told him to his (probably) make-up caked face…went on to tell him that I’d set the hounds on him before shoving my 12 bore so far up his ruined shite-shute that the guinea-pigs would be able to sharpen their teeth on it.

    My savvy and vigilance has obviously paid off….the fudge-packer has retreated to his pretend Police car and appears to be on a radio…probably organising some bukkake party with his crafty-butcher pals….well at least he’s learned that we Landed Gentry aren’t idiots…I’ll give him a salvo to help him on his way..that should be an end to this particular scam.

    Stay safe Cunters…remember to abuse and threaten anyone who offends your sensibilities.

    • Afternoon Dick.
      I knew someone who did exactly that!
      Years ago (90s) I did some security work in Rawtenstall, kids being cunts and vandalising machinery.
      Used to be a bloke came on for scrap metal and id chat to him, he lived with his elderley mum and when she croaked the council wanted his house, hed rant like fuck
      “I grew up in that house!
      Theyll give it pakis!
      Put me in a flat in Bacup!
      Well ill kill them if they try!”
      I thought he was just blowing off steam (an a bit mental).
      One day the council tried to evict him, with the coppers, he shot the copper with a shotgun and had a seige (televised) he then blew his dogs head off, then his own.
      True story.
      Copper lived, got a medal.

      • Aye,I knew an old fella who shot the Planning Officer and a Copper in the arse when they came to tell him to knock his bungalow down.
        Evil,mental old Cunt.

        • Funnily enough he was nice enough Dick, bit intense like, but some people are best not pushed I suppose?
          He also was going to set fire to some large calor gas bottles ajoining a cabin, because some bloke had alledgedly pissed on his car!!

        • Albert Dryden I think that was, I heard about it from a friend who was living in Consett, maybe I should of tried it back in Rhodesia!

          • I know it’s true MNC-just Morgan’s Boy-welsh farmer getting evicted from council owned farm, shoots sheepdog, then himself.
            Not one for C-Beebies. Then again…. 😀

          • Not heard of it CG,
            The bloke im on about when the coppers first turned up, they couldnt get in ( barricaded the front door) he shouted “Not had your weetabix have you?!”😀
            He was called Stephen Hensby, felt a bit sorry for him to be honest CG.
            He was out of his depth, hated authority, and just wanted to be left alone.
            Poor cunt.

  6. I need to send the package to where? Lagos…….Lagos Nigeria? Oh ok, well how about I pay you in goat? Virgin of course…………well no need for that sort of attitude? How about chickens, useful for da voodoo what?

    Scamming cunts, when in the mood I like to engage them for fun.

    Have you had a car accident that wasn’t your fault?
    But it was my fault, I was aiming for them.

    • Yes i aimed deliberatley for the bastards at 70mph in my mini .As soon as i saw the rubber dinghy on their roofrack of their obviously ill gotten luxury motor i thought right thats it.
      Whats that you say officer they were swiss tourists (who have never done owt wrong /oh bugger best be off to specsavers eh what?

  7. I had one phone the other day; sounded just like Peter Sellers in the Party.

    “Putt putt, ding ding would you like some loft insulation, government grant, werry good price?”

    I shouted to him that I would have been werry werry interested but a 100mph hurricane had just blown the roof of the house down the road (with sound affects) and we were grabbing all we could (including the phone) before our escape. .

  8. I love winding these clowns up.
    “I’m calling about your accident”?
    “ACCIDENT? Was it fatal”? (One dumb bitch actually said I don’t know, I’ll just check! 🤣🤦‍♂️).
    “I’m calling as our records show you worked in the mining industry and you are entitled to compensation for your industrial deafness”.
    “What? What? – tha’ll ave to speak up love – ah worked forty years dahn t’ pit and I’m deaf as a post”.
    Cue some nugget shouting at full volume down the phone for ten minutes as I continually repeat “what? speak up”!
    Piss myself laughing, then a quick pause and then:
    “Hey cunt – ever get the feeling you are a gullible prick? – Fuckoff”!
    “Hello – our records show you are owed xxx in PPI”.
    “What are you wearing?, I can smell you, I watch you on a night and you are sinful – Jesus has commanded me to punish you”.. (That one fkin terrifies them! 😄).
    I just love it! And a quick tip – be nasty, sweary and rude, that way they will put you down on the screen in front of them as “rude and abusive”, they dump your name off the database – NEVER say “not interested” as they sell your details on to other scumbags.
    And my favourite:
    “You want some money? No worries – give me your address and I will come round with my axe to sort it in person”.
    I am quite good at utterly terrifying people! 😄👍☠

  9. I used to entertain the offspring of my romantic youth by talking to telephone sales artists of the Dark Continent in a demented Spike Milligan Put Him In The Curry accent.
    Always works.
    Also great for morale.
    Fuck Off.

  10. Do what I used to do, pretend to transfer the call:

    “Hello, just putting you through now”, pause, “Hello xxxxxx police, how can I help you?”.

    Works a treat.
    Can’t be arsed now, I have a call minding system 👍👍👍

  11. do not take a test – they are meaningless and being used to close everywhere down again – that’s if there are any left – govt no w admits there’s a problem – how come cases increasing when no one can get a test – more scamshitbollox

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