After enduring months of lockdown dog days, the wife and I are looking forward to heading off into the quiet beauty of Northumberland for a ‘socially distancing’ cottage break.

This morning I spent an hour giving the car a thorough clean inside and out by way of preparation, and it gleamed like new. But returning from putting away the sponges and buckets, what did I find? A fucking manky, flea bitten pigeon sitting on the car roof is what I found. The cunt saw me coming and promptly took flight, leaving behind a spray of shit on the roof, windscreen and bonnet.

Now I’ll admit that just occasionally, I do feel a twinge of pity for these flying rats. It can’t be an easy life, hobbling around on rotting feet, scavenging a living by pecking at a pavement pizza. Then at the end of a weary day, it’s back to the comfort of your rusty, dripping railway arch, to relax on top of a six inch pile of your own rotting shite.
Sympathy tends to be short lived however when you have to return to your newly washed car to shift dollops of cack from it. Don’t even get me started on the damage that the bastards do in the garden…

My birthday’s coming up soon, and when the missus asks me what I want, I’ll ask for a powerful air rifle to clear the vermin from around the house. That’ll learn the cunts.

Nominated by: Ron Knee

58 thoughts on “Pigeons

  1. 1st world problems Ron. You’ll be moaning about not being able to get a viable vegan pizza or a decent signal on your I phone next.
    Get a grip mate. 😁

  2. If you were in Northumberland Ron,you should have called in ( I’d have told you to Fuck Off but that’s by the by) and I could have taken you and the long-suffering Mrs Knee out pigeon shooting. You’d have a whole new appreciation for Woody the Woodpigeon when you’d had him served up by me. Lovely stuff.fresh pigeon.
    Not all pigeons are the flying-rats of the inner cities. Proper wild pigeons eat the healthiest of diets and genuinely are good eating…unlike so much of the “meat” which so many people eat…Fuck, a nicely cooked pigeon could probably convince even the most hysterical of ” Aaahhh, da ickle-wickle birdy-wordy” types to chuck their tofu-burger in the bin where it belongs.

    Get a gun Ron and start blasting,you’ll find much of what you shoot is delicious if you get out of the shitty cities…that’s not to say you shouldn’t shoot in the city,I’m sure that the odd stray cat,rat,fox,Muzza or Chav is equally deserving of a dose of shot.

    • My job as a young lad occasionally was to muck out my grandads pidgeon lofts.
      A filthier job ive yet to find.
      Big money in champion pidgeon racing and its surprisingly a International sport.
      Im not keen on pidgeons.

      • That pigeon racing lark is on a par with wrestling for me Miserable. I mean they supposedly let them go miles away from ‘home’ the fuckers don’t have a clue where they are- looking round, from right to left, behind ‘where the fuck am I? It’s all made up. What really happens is the ‘pigeon fancier’ is there in the loft pretending to look to the skies and all that rot when in actuality he’s got a pigeon secreted in his great coat and at the proximate time like a magician he let’s its go and it flies into the box. About 6 feet it flies not sixty miles.
        Where the others go is anyone guess…
        See they all look the same…nobody checks…its a put up job.

        • Hehehe, maybe Miles.☺
          I know they took it very seriously, pidgeon fanciers/bores, discussing corn feed, all they needed was a Greggs pasty, pidgeons seem to love them?
          Im not a fan of pidgeons or Greggs pasties Miles.
          Both leave me flaccid.😁

    • Sounds great Dick.
      I take the John Wayne approach on the subject; ‘the only good pigeon’s a dead pigeon…’.
      Great week in Allendale, by the way. Very peaceful and relaxing.

  3. Vermin. But more of an urban problem than a rural one (there’s an analogy here 🤔). That’s because country folk recognise that shooting is for the protection of crops and livelihoods. Pigeons and their salty cousins, seagulls, should be regularly culled.

  4. They are no more than flying rats. Part 2 of the Maskinback Garden Hedge Battle will see the chain sawing of half a dozen or more Lleylandii trees, which, according to ‘Itchy Fanny’ next door are “natural and home to the birds”.

    Well these birds are pigeons that crap on our cars, so good riddance to these flying dysentery machines.

  5. Used to live in the Green Belt, and our pigeons would actually commute into the London for the day. All except for the one I saw sucked under the wheels of an Intercity 125, that is.

    • It’s been a while but I managed to pop one driving home from work last week. Straight into the front grill of the van at 70 mph. Boom. Instant blizzard of feathers . All good but the selfish cunt then smeared up the windscreen and lodged in to the roof rack. I carried on up the road with feathers billowing off the roof like a red arrows display team with the smoke on.

  6. Jeez, Ron. You’re a Dio clone.
    I’m off to Northumberland this month for a cottage break. And it’s my birthday in a couple of weeks.
    Please don’t tell me you’re staying in Craster. That would be too creepy…

    • Morning Dio.
      No we had a great break in a little place called Allendale, about 10 miles outside of Hexham. Lovely quiet, rolling countryside, great for walking and having a quiet pint.

  7. I imagine there are more than a few Africans who would like to get their hands on a nice juicy pigeon. That’s the ones over here never mind over there.
    Crying about animals. veganism, climate change, save the fucking whale, adopt a cunting snow leopard are the preserves of rich cunts in rich societies. When your arse is hanging out of your trousers and you don’t know where your next meal is coming from you don’t give a fuck about all that shit. Too many fucking people in the world!
    I don’t know what that’s got to do with pigeons shitting on cars but I just felt like saying it.
    While i’m here can I also say that Jess Phillips is a mouthy fucking Brummie bargewhore who I wouldn’t inflict on my worst enemy. Not that I have any enemies obviously. I’m nice.

  8. The cunts aren’t as bad as Seagulls, the real shit hawks of our skies, messy aggressive fuckers and game as fuck when it comes to stealing your food if your daft enough to eat near the cunts.

    (I had a mental image of Flabbott just then! Not a good way to start the day – admin)

    • I have been coming upon the wings of pigeons – nothing more – in the town centre.
      I suspect they are being eaten by seagulls who have lost their usual supply of half-eaten junk food in the lockdown.
      There’s always a bright side…

  9. Squashed one of the cunts the other day, on a blue-light run. Ignorant fucker didn’t yield to my sirens so I sped up and dispensed summary justice. I fucking loathe the dirty bastards.

    Made my day!!

    (Hope it wasn’t a black pigeon! BPM – admin)

  10. These flying rats are No laughing matter,
    a friend of mine bought a very old house to renovate , whilst clearing the loft there was a partial collapse of the decaying roof and he inhaled some dust which contained pigeon shit , he contracted cryptococcus which eventually killed him In his mid fifties…..

  11. In my declining years I find myself empathising with pigeons. Chances are I’ll be reincarnated as a pigeon when I cark. Either that or one of those unfortunate animals crammed into cages awaiting a horrible death in Wuhan wet market. Or an Africunt.

    Morning all – turned out nice again! 🌞

  12. May I recommend the Weirauch 97k as a vermin despatcher Ron. Brilliant air rifle, quiet and accurate.

    The thing with feral pigeon shit is that it is quite acidic and will mark the paintwork if you don’t wash it off sharpish.

  13. No point moaning about pigeons, you can’t stop them. Dick Dastardly never did. Mind you he never won the Wacky Races either, the useless cunt.

  14. Pigeons, or more accurately ;(“flying rats”)’ are without doubt absolute cunts. When they are not shitting on your car, home, head etc they sit in the middle of the country road as you approach in your car in the early hours around dawn and unlike all the other wild life scarper as you approach: To sit there and commit suicide is fine in itself, but not fine when it breaks my fucking headlight glass whilst euthanising itself. Cunts.. And so are “look at me I’m hard Pheasants” they have cost me a windscreen with their refusal to move.

    • Was once in a white works van heading to the southern islands in Denmark on a ton-up dash to get to an emergency call out.

      Pigeon sat in the middle of the motorway didn’t get out of the way fast enough and BANG! I could see the cloud of feathers disappearing behind the van and knew there had to be some damage to the front end.

      Pulled into town and people were staring at the van. Not a good sign.

      When I checked the van over at a petrol station, Percy pigeon had hit just below the headlight and exploded down the side of the van. Claret, entrails and feathers everywhere.

      Small dent to bodywork, about the size of a 2p. Those things must have seriously hard heads.

  15. In your story Ron it would be easy to change Pigeon for Migrant (the word used by the media, what they really mean are illegal immigrants).
    Obviously they wouldn’t shit on your car, maybe steal it, but the rest fits fairly well.

    Hundreds have arrived this week, there is no way so many could cross without facilitation by the French cunts!!

  16. Good nom on the rifle Odin. One of the best. Had a similar experience when visiting the solicitor to draw up the will with Lady Fontlacunt on who to leave the stately home to a couple of years ago. Came out to find the Rolls covered in purple shit after the flying rats had been eating berries. By the time I got home and washed it off, it had burnt into the paintwork. Got most of it out with T Cut but can still see the fucker.

  17. There’s such a dearth of old fried chicken bones on our high street that pigeons are now just eating dirt out of the cracks in the road surface.

  18. To be fair, the vast majority of pigeons in the UK deposit their shit over London, Birmingham and Manchester, so they are really performing a vital public service…..

    • Pigeons are friendly non-aggressive birds that are happy to co-exist in perfect harmony with us. So they like to have a shit. Doesn’t everybody? Even my cat doesn’t mind them, she likes to upset the magpies in next door’s tree. #BlackcatsMatter so racist comments will not be tolerated.

  19. It’s only now that I am approaching middle age that I’ve taken issue with these winged rats. Never have been much of an ornithologist, but if I see a rare bird here in this built-up area where I reside — a coal tit, goldfinch, warbler, an owl, a bird of prey, for example — I will take time to stop and examine what they are doing, out of intrigue. I’ve always wondered what they do exactly throughout the course of a day and wonder about how they think and how they communicate; I’ve genuinely always been interested in this. Anyway, yeah, pigeons are just devoid of any redeeming characteristics: they just seem to inhabit the girders of railway bridge bases, coo frequently, scavenge leftover chippies and chunks of bread and shit everywhere. And let’s not forget that stupid, vacuous, blank stare they always have; it’s as though they’re either half pissed or there’s nothing behind those eyes (the lights on but no one’s home, sort of thing). Daft looking cunts! The complete eradication of pigeons should be a government directive.

    • A man after my own heart.
      Most birds are beautiful, fascinating creatures. Pigeons are gormless looking, filthy cunts. It makes me shudder when I see some old dear with a bag of bread letting the cunts swarm around and perch on her head. Mental.

      • Indeed, RN. About 10 years ago when I was at college, I once saw this old haggard woman board the same bus as me with her old haggard mongerel dog and a big bag of old broken stale bread. Not only had she been feeding pigeons, but her old dog that was sitting under her seat was licking her bare feet (she was wearing sandals) and she didn’t batter an eye. Nasty old harridan (wonder if she let her dog lick anywhere else, in private)!

        • I shot one once (it had been ravaged by a cat who was watching it, horrible little bleeder – the cat looked disappointed but I figured it could have fun torturing something else).
          Never had wood pigeon but as soon as I get my secret Country lair the air will be black with gunsmoke – and I look forward to my Christmas present – “how to cook wood pigeon by Sir Fiddler – now fuck off”! 😄

          • And it’s obvious to me pigeons are Frenchmen in disguise – short, smelly, bow legged, lazy, dirty and eat any fowl (see what I did there! 🤣👍) food – and probably have stolen fish tucked under their wings – we need Captain Blackadder on this!

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