Pub Reopenings 4th July

A pre-event cunting for the reopening of pubs on Saturday 4th July.

I can see it now, thousands of cunts descending on the pubs on the very first day. Not enough for them that they can buy booze at the supermarket or at the offy, no they just MUST go to the pub.

I fully expect to hear police sirens all day and all night long. Another strain on the emergency services because of a load of selfish, ignorant pissheads.

Hope I’m wrong about this, but judging from what we’ve seen recently of the stupidity of the great British public, well, enough said.

Nominated by: Mystic Maven

103 thoughts on “Pub Reopenings 4th July

    • It’s going to be the Bournemouth beach experience on rocket fuel. The emergency services have enough on their plates without having to deal with cunts pucking and fighting all over the place.

      • ‘The emergency services have enough on their plates without having to deal with cunts pucking and fighting all over the place’.

        Thank fuck I’m not working over the weekend….

        • Apparently some Cunt publicans were planning to open at Midnight. H.M.Gov put a stop to that, but the revised opening time is 6am…..
          Cue nobheads waiting outside from 5.30am.

          I also predict A&E overflowing…. not from the virus, but wankers spending all day getting hammered, then beating the crap out each other. Oh, plus the innevitable selfish cunts who will topple into the gutter & phone an ambulance for a grazed knee… then vommit all over themselves in the ambulance, causing it out of service while it’s hosed down.

          …and so the carnival comes to town once more 🙁

  1. I think you’re probably right, it will be carnage by closing time. Should of been limited opening hours and more managed.

  2. I reckon it must be over 10 years since I last went to a pub for anything other than something to eat, and even that would have been a mystery shopper visit.

  3. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about this. It seems each pub is imposing it’s own rules. You have to register beforehand to book a table, no you don’t…….you are only allowed 2 hours at a table and then you have to fuck off, not true……you have to order from an app from your table, not what I heard…….you have to put your hand up to go to the bog, fuck off that can’t be true……you have to queue up outside until a table is available, bollocks I am.
    I’ve already had a mate suggest that four of us each book a table and when the two hours is up we move to the next table.
    Not me mate. Like everything Boris touches this will be a fucking disaster. The media will be all over every urban pub in the country looking for trouble.
    I feel sorry for the pub staff, the coppers and the NHS staff who are going to have a hell of a day.
    I shall be watching the disaster unfold on the telly. Fuck pubs right now.

    • Spot on. Round my way pubs and restos been open a month already but when it comes to rules it’s each time his own. Same shit with the masks though. If you don’t wear a mask on the train you will die and your family cursed for seven generations. Crowded super market? Don’t worry about it..

      • Look at our leaders from the past- who the fuck will put Boris up there with Henry V111, Elizabeth (both of them) etc.?
        The wonderful irony is that he claims to be a student of the past,prepared to stab in order to climb the greasy pole. It is not sufficient to fuck like one of them, leadership is required.

        • If you put him in a wig he looks like George 3rd. He certainly seems to have the same brain functions, but at least George had a reason for his strange behaviour…

  4. Count me out. I’ve got to shield a bit longer. I’m stocked up on booze so I should be okay although, unlike the cinema, I’ve missed the pub.

  5. A prescient cunting. I can see all day drinking and the odd riot. I will be in Spoons at 9am. For the breakfast of course.

  6. Personally I can’t wait to get back in our local. I’m a regular and the village pub is the only place for the community to meet in our area. Some wankers will always stay in because ‘I can buy 4 cans for the price of a pint’, but they’re missing the point. The pub is about socialising in real life and not on a tablet. It’s about putting the world to rights after a few pints when everything becomes clear. It’s about being anti pc and having a pop at bloody foreigners with like minded piss heads. It’s the last remaining place in this dying country that an Englishman can have a sensible beer fuelled debate without being de-platformed.

    I for one will be in the pub all weekend, pissed as a fart and loving it.

    • Me too, Cuntakinty. It probably won’t be the same but it’ll be the first pint for some time. Wait for all the naysayers to whine who didn’t utter a single word during the thousands protesting.

  7. We are bracing ourselves for the onslaught, not only pubs but campsites opening as well. We have been very lucky here as the bat/pangolin lurgy has left us alone. Tomorrow a horde of campers, caravan nerds and perambulating visitors will no doubt insure a fantastic infection rate for us poor bastards, fucking whoppee.

  8. Cunts would go out to a crowded bar at the moment, I’d much rather have a braai and some home brew in the shed, can’t stand public bars as they are full of louts and guttersnipes, unlike myself who is of a much more refined breeding and grace, also I’m less likely to be stabbed at home, Lady Quimson can make the canapés!,

    • I’m in quite the opposite situation. I’m more likely to be stabbed at home. Ethel once pulled a knife on me, in the kitchen, her lunge was predictable and weak. I took it off her and gave her a robust, verbal admonishment. She hasn’t tried it since, but, being the cautious type, I now wear a stylish tweed stab vest at all times.
      Ethel is a cunt.

      • May be worth attaching a sturdy iron chain to her ankle and setting it in the kitchen floor.
        That way you not only know her exact reach but you can risk going to sleep.

        • I fawningly make her a nice milky Horlicks at bedtime. Little does she know that it contains an added magic ingredient, she sleeps like a baby.
          And no, I don’t interfere with her sexually, while she’s out cold, ( you filthy rotters )
          I, er, cough, pay a social call on the blonde that lives over the back. Just to check that she’s ok, it must be awful, living on your own …… clears throat, ahem.
          I’ve clapped every Thursday night for the pop up drug dealing key workers, who have kept me supplied with my magic ingredient, during these unsettled times.
          Gawd bless ’em.

          • It’s great to know that there are still a few stalwarts that adhere to the civilised values that made this nation great.
            I doff my cap Jack!

          • Thank you Ron. We are, after all, a League of Gentlemen.
            Good evening.

      • I think I must have met all of Ethel’s Sisters JTC!
        Well, back to my magazine “Vacuum cleaners Monthly” – it’s so invigorating I nearly wet my pinny!
        I am awaiting the nuclear airburst over Stockport if they dare to refuse MNC entry to the pub! 😄☠💥

        • You’d like her youngest sister, someone who I regret not putting more time and effort into fucking the living daylights out of.
          Regrets ? …… ” I’ve had a few “

      • Next time she pulls a knife on you quickly and calmly get two slices of bread and some cheese and her natural instincts should kick in….

        • Hahahahaha.
          Her natural instinct would be to drop the bread on the floor and cut herself whilst slicing the cheese.
          Fucking useless.
          She’s got to go.

    • IsAC is very educational Capt. Q. Had to look up the meaning of braai to find it was Afrikaans for BBQ or roast.
      “Stick another springbok on the Barbie.”

  9. Not a fucking chance!

    They’ll be queuing outside of the boozers at 6am, pushing, shoving, blissfully unaware of social distancing.

    They’ll get in there, demanding waiter service ASAP, getting arsey at having to wait for more than 20 nanoseconds. No doubt there’ll be kids there, running around like the noisy little fuckers they are; and of course the footie will be on the big screens, so you’ll get pisshead supporters chanting and gesticulating at the TV for 90 minutes or so. (Probably getting mightily pissed off watching players bending the fucking knee yet again!)

    But the fun begins at chucking out time; pissheads getting into fights or vomiting on each other; pissing up the wall; lighting up a few spliffs before driving home 5 times over the fucking limit!

    And this is the New Normal!

    • I spent thirty five years going into pubs and stopped because I became fed up with the prices, the crap beer and the arseholes who frequent these places. Add to that a killer virus going round – will I be going back? Will I fuck.

      • I read somewhere that landlords may have to ramp up prices to cover the cost of plastic screens, sanitizers and insurance premiums etc.

        Paying £5-£6 for a pint of iffy lager just isn’t an option anymore.

        • My landlord can fuck off then. A pint of Guinness was £5.30 before the lockdown.

          I am now used to paying £12 for 15 tins of Budweiser (yes, I know) and getting antisocially hammered in front of the TV.

          The only thing I will miss is the barmaid.
          Tatiana’s untethered tits and low cut, loose fitting tops give me an absolute whacker of a fat one. 😀

  10. I imagine fellow ISAC member, DCI Gene Hunt, might have some stories to tell about this situation.
    Dog bless him.

    P.s I’ll be waiting a fortnight with my eyes peeled before I venture near a pub when after they open.
    Let the excitement die down then wait for the all clear.

      • Indeedly, Ron Knee. 🙂

        P.s I look forward to your next exclusive interview. Perhaps one with that fella who owns wetherspoons? 🙂

    • ‘I imagine fellow ISAC member, DCI Gene Hunt, might have some stories to tell about this situation.
      Dog bless him.’

      Drunks irritate the fuck out of me. I’d rather go to a junky. Quick blast of Naloxone, they get lairy and then fuck off most of the time. Drunks, on the other hand vom all over you and the truck, try to assault you and you get their cuntish mates try and tell you how to do your job. Wimmin are the fucking worst for that.

      ‘I think she’s really ill, you know’.

      ‘Really? And after which drink did she start feeling unwell? Ninth? Tenth?’

      Fuck right off. I have the weekend off thank fuck.

      Good evening.

  11. Pubs these days are for TOWIE wannabes who have no idea how to drink properly. It’s not just the lads in tight shirts and the slags that piss me off with their degenerate lechery and illiteracy, even the bar staff don’t know how to pour a drink.
    You ask for a whiskey and you’ll get 25ml in a long glass for fuck’s sake. What the fuck is 25ml..? Lol! And the long glass? No goddamn class.
    You’ll never drink the whole bottle tickling it like that. You need a big fuck off tumbler for starters.
    Ask for a reputable cocktail and you’ll get the sightless stare into the distance…
    But can they pronounce Idrissa Gueye or Dieumerci Mbokani ? You bet their fucking traitorous ass they can.
    No, the only place I can get the right drink, in the correct quantity, in a suitable container, without looking at a slag or a twat, without having to square off against prats, without being surrounded by liars, traitors, thieves, traitors and sex offenders is right here at home.
    If I worked for the emergency services I’d be booking annual leave and let these pricks drink themselves to death whilst stabbing or fucking each other.

    • I cant wait.
      Like a religious experience must feel like,
      Got a weeks work in front off me then a week away in a cottage with the missus & hound, and im going to test every ale they have!
      And when I get back im having a lads all dayer,
      Ive missed the pub thats the only thing ive missed,
      No apps, no masks, no registering, fuck that shite.
      Just drinking.

      • Now ale drinking in a local is a different matter altogether.
        But they, too, close so the bartenders can go home. What the fuck is that all about? When a man needs drink he may be busy for several days.
        When I was a lad the best pub in the area used to let the barflies sleep where they fell and then wake them up in the morning to start all over again. Occasionally they’d get bacon and egg rolls in from the cafe across the street. We used to laugh at the women cops trying to launch a bust. Ah, the good old days.

    • With you on this cuntflap.
      Maybe a proper rural spit and sawdust tavern with plenty of space would tempt me, but they don’t exist in England, pretentious Castro pups or warehouses full of cunts that I would avoid at all costs.

  12. You know the score. The same brainless locusts who, stripped the super market shelves, mobbed Durdle Door, queued up of hours for cunt burger, queued up for hours at ICUNTA for meatballs, mobbed Bournmouth. Now let’s mob the pub it’s the in thing. Cunts nothing but cunts.

    • Indeed. Even if it isn’t like that the MSM will make it seem like that. When will the Jellyfish understand that these traitors are not on his side? No point in appeasement……. just grow a pair and tell them to fuck off.
      It would help, of course, if the cunt had the brains to open up the boozers on a Monday rather than a Saturday, the dozy posh boy.

    • Lol, indeed.
      Those boys could wake up in the gutter with their pants round their necks and wouldn’t know they’d been bummed behind a skip.
      Must be great being able to get drunk on fosters… Lol lol.

  13. I haven’t been to a pub for years now because all you get is a load of arseholes talking bollocks, who just want to dig you up and have a fight, or ponce off you. Technocunt said the fun will begin at chucking out time? Here in Brighton I fully expect the centre to be filled with police vehicles and ambulances by 6pm at the latest!! And it goes without saying that the MSM will be all over it, only showing straight white people pissed up and starting trouble: “BAME – good! LGBTQ+31/2 – good! Whitey – Bad bad bad!!!”

  14. I will be in my local Saturday, it’s only 7 yards from my cottage.
    Luckily, it’s frequented by sensible people, and they’re all regulars, and we police it when arseholes decide to descend on the place.
    I’m a regular there, and I’ve hated drinking at home, as I live alone, and the pub is my sanctuary from cunts.
    As the landlord is a mate, I’ve had privy to the fucking hoops he and his missus have had to jump through, so I will be supporting them as much as possible… fuck the supermarkets the cunts.

    • Can’t fault you. Our landlord is a good mate of mine, he survives on less than minimum wage (he owns the pub) and will serve until the last man has had enough. Sunday night’s are the best, a lock in till 3am and free booze to clear the lines before cleaning.
      I’m increasing my boozing to help out before the last pub in the village is turned into a Tesco express or fucking mosque.

  15. Has Covid disappeared or not? After so long in lockdown, why is the government opening pubs at the weekend? !

    I smell eugenics.

    • Been smelling that for a while. Not enough elderly NHS bedblockers and state pensioners have been culled in hospitals and care homes – we need more infectivity in the population at large to get the rest…what an unpleasant mind I have…

  16. If theres a heaven for ordinary blokes its not swanning round in nighties and wings, and do gooder types and goofy church types in the clouds, its a proper pub!!
    Pool table✔
    Decent beer✔
    No ‘we’re here for food do you have a menu my childs intolerant to chips’ types✔
    And a jukebox!✔
    Tunes picked by the drinkers,
    Thin Lizzy ‘whisky in the jar’
    Slade ‘far faraway’
    Ac/DC ‘thunderstruck’
    Nice things to get pissed too.

      • Hello Jack,
        Had a fine pair of lungs on him Noddy didnt he?
        Great band, written off by music snobs of the time but I love them.
        Birmingham and the midlands has produced some great bands, with Sabbath springing to mind.
        You in the pub tomorrow pal?

        • Slade were brilliant. No fucking about or poncy lyrics
          As for the pub, no. I see no fun to be had, with the routines they are proposing.
          I love a traditional spit and sawdust type pub, unfortunately, they are virtually extinct .
          There are some half decent ones left, but the majority are all food, cunts and brats.
          I shall bide my time and wait until I’m off the beaten track.
          Enjoy your session.

          • They all did.. in fact everyone from the 70s looked a twat.
            Even dirty Harry.

          • Jesus Mincepie Guy,
            Dirty Harry was the coolest cat ever!
            With you on Dave Hill though.☺

          • Come on Jack. Your comment “ I love a traditional spit and sawdust type pub, unfortunately, they are virtually extinct .” is not strictly true is it?
            You’d only have to use a pin in the list of Widnes ones and . . . Bingo!

          • Im not out till next Friday Jack.
            Loads of work on, and cant wave bye to a poundnote me.
            Next Friday when break up for a holiday ill be on piss though.
            Cant come soon enough!
            Good health sir!🍺🍺🍻

          • Bertie, that pub next to Widnes Rugby club is definitely spit & sawdust.
            Is it The Wellington? Full of scallies and Scouse-brows. It makes the Four-Topped Oak look like exquisite fine dining.

          • Not been there Captain but I could well imagine it. The Bradley in the town centre is a right dive. The landlord of the Hammer and Pincers in Hough Green was stabbed to death outside his pub last year by someone who had been barred.

          • Very sad. Hough Green isn’t the best place, is it? Either it was a junkíe, a darkíe, a píkey, or a blend of all three.
            I’ve also been to The Tavern which was equally feral with a soundtrack of profanties (that was just the waitress). Mind you, I felt like saying some choice language after tasting the tucker.

          • @ Bertie. Yes there are a number of rough around the edges boozers in Widnes, but they lack that certain something. The Simms Cross was a pleasant dive, many years ago, the landlady had a massive pair of tits.
            The Grapes was a den of iniquity too.
            I do not venture into Widnes now, and not for a long time.
            Some things are best left in the past, and some people are best left there too.

    • Sadly my other local 50 yards away in the other direction, was closed down some years ago and turned into a poncy estate agent.

      A proper working man’s boozer where the tamest thing on the dukebox was Iron maiden.

      The locals all had their tab on the blackboard, the beer garden was fucking excellent and the landlord let the council tip workers skin up on the bar.

      He even used to keep the bone from the Sunday leg of lamb for the Rottweiler.

  17. I love the pub, I’ve missed the pub but no chance will I be going to the pub for at least a week and when I do eventually go it would be for 2 or 3 pints at 11am on a Tuesday when it’s quiet. This weekend will be pisshead central in town, you can already see the headlines.

  18. Let’s not be too patriotic bout this. “…the stupidity of the ——-=- public” is not constrained by nationality.

    Here are two lads briefly enjoying a bad hair moment just before both were hit by lightning, which killed another tourist, on top of Moro Rock in the Sequoia National Park, CA.

    Cunts, you gotta love ’em. I shall drink to them at home.

    • Fair point Komodo, but compared to Europe at least, Britain unfortunately seems to lead the way when it comes to cuntish behaviour. Myself and fellow cunters excepted, of course.

  19. Apparently some people are already moaning that my local won’t be showing football for the time being.

    • At least they won’t have to witness all the simple cunts “taking a knee” (or letting the lion dodgers slip one up any honky daft enough to bend over)

  20. Can’t go along with this – going to the pub is one of our treasured customs as free people – for the regime to put false controls i.e guidelines on them opening is totally out of order – they are NOT LAWS

    For a so called virus with a 99.96% survival rate amongst the population this is evil madness – much like all the other distancing and wearing masks crap – NONE OF IT IS THE LAW OF THE LAND

    Yes, people might be stupid but I for one am not returning to any pub/shop/hall that treats me as a biohazard – they can fuck off

    • Made the mistake of watching Channel 4 news for approximately 8 minutes tonight.
      The contempt for the proles on the face of the haggard dour bint presenter spoke volumes.
      Lockdown pt II incoming.
      2020 – the year immune systems suddenly stopped working.

  21. I’m so lucky to have a brewery in my shed.
    Mince bitter I call it.
    Once it touches your throat, your gagging.

  22. Just be grateful that there are still some cunts with bottle, who will go out and put some money in their tills, so they might be still there when the rest of the country fucking grows a pair. Like the slag on radio four whinging about it, most cunts who are moaning wouldn’t go to a pub anyway. Perhaps when the human guinea pigs have been on the piss for a couple of weeks and there hasn’t been another hundred thousand deaths, it might wake the rest of the population up.
    I envy them, as in Wales, fun sponge and general piece of shit Mark Drakeford and the rest of the useless cunts in the Assembly still have us on pretty much full lockdown, the cunts. He’s become a bit of a hero to the whining cunts on social media, who think he’s saving everyone from certain death. Joyless cunt makes John Major look like Robin Williams. Still, it’s only the economy eh….

  23. Nobody’s bothering anyway with social distancing.

    The dark keys, peacefuls, commies, Facebook like seekers (see BLM and commies) hipsters and fans of a certain football team (sorry Bertie) couldn’t give a fuck.

    Good to see the Chinese Premier not being as bad as Trumpy. Well the BBC et al say so. Despite the flying Aids they gave the world, the ruined economies, the not giving a shit, the blaming of others, the new conflict with India, the oppression and going back on their word about HK, their claim over the entire South China sea by building islands in the zone, the spyware on their tech (which we’re fucking buying by the way)…

    I could go on…

    ..but Orange man had. Repeat

  24. I can see it now.. payed Goons patrolling the Pubs berating anyone that breaks the rules… Just see what happens when they start on a bunch of angry Piss heads tanked up on Stella. The emergency services Won’t know what’s hit them, quite literally.

  25. i have now sent mails to all the local pubs that i can contact telling them i will not be treated as a plague carrying cunt and will not supply my personal details to them – they can go out of business for all i care if they cannot treat me as a human – the guideline followers are fucking cunts

    • Lana@
      Dont give them your REAL details!!
      Give a Labour backbenchers details.
      Or some footballer tart.
      And give your £2 a minute sex line as your contact number.👍

        • My landlord knows my name an address Bertie,
          Think the registering is for the government types.
          Hed just laugh if I gave my name as keir Starmer.
          Hes only interested in paying the bills!👍

  26. Always got shit sport on tvs in nearly every pub obviously the most veiwed is crapball, you wont find me in a pub virus or not.

  27. I’ve become quite misanthropic in middle-age, so I’ll be having a few sherberts in the house with my new bit on the side (BBW divorcee with a few tramp stamps). Only met her a few weeks ago and this is our first opportunity to spend an evening together. Hopefully, I’ll get a good sloppy nosh whilst I talk to you likeable cunts on here!

  28. Nighty night all.

    Got an early start tomorrow.

    Want to be first in socially distanced line outside The Brewer’s Arms at 6am.


    • Do you find yourself in many brewers’ arms early in the morning Mr Puff?
      Or possibly the bricklayers’ arms……wearing a hard hat obviously.

        • The fucking place was closed! Landlord must’ve been having a lie in. As if the idle cunt hadn’t been lying in every day for the past 3 months! Shithole anyway.

          I’m now 9th in the queue outside the Hare & Hounds.

  29. Our local landlord spent the first couple of weeks after lockdown taking his alcoholic lunch with his family on a table out front on the street. He also let contractors working for him have a pint similarly on public display. Which struck me as grossly insensitive*, rubbing his former customers’ noses in their plight, and I do not see me patronising his joint again.

    Glass of house red plonk: £5.50
    Bottle of very drinkable Australian Shiraz from Co-op: £6.00
    No contest, cunt.

    ^even for an antipodean, which he is

  30. I fucking love the pub. They have been open here for about a month now, I’ve been once. It was fucking shite. No drink offers, no happy hours, beer has gone up, 4 people to a table, table service only, restricted numbers in the pub, queues waiting outside to get in, limited time in pub, personal details and temperature taken on entry, your given a sticker which MUST be displayed, i could go on but you get my point. All pubs are different, i know, but my local has turned into a load of shite and it was ACE before all this bollocks.
    I will return again when the above has been royally fucked off.

  31. overnight the regime have provided pubs and restaurants with the guidelines for opening – thereby giving companies as much time as necessary to adhere to them (sic) – it’s 34 pages long

    “Buried in the 34-page Government rulebook for pubs and restaurants reopening on 4th July is a requirement to collect contact details for everyone present. This is quite significant as, in the event of an outbreak, government contact tracers will have to be in touch with everyone present.” (21 century Wire)

    34 fucking pages long – collecting details is contrary to the Data Protection Act – just how much sillier is this going to get – and people still believe it’s about a public health issue FFS – we need to get rid of this lot asap – they are THE fucking cunts

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