Poached Eggs

Or more specifically poached eggs on crushed fucking avocado on toast.

About a year ago when this middle class idea came to my attention on one of those cooking programs that seem to be on every fucking channel my missus said “ooh that would be nice for breakfast” and being that sensitive type with a streak of cuntishness I thought as a surprise I would cook said breakfast as a Sunday surprise.


I have tried the dedicated water pan thingy where you butter the receptacles before immersing half way up in water. SHIT.

The microwave method where a medium size egg in a plastic thingy this time cooked on high for 32 seconds (what the fuck 32secs!?!). SHIT.

Putting the fucking egg in some clingfilm ( literally don’t fucking bother with that one I knew that was doomed from the start) it just stuck to the cling film and went from boiling water to bin. SHIT.

And now to the last way for which I have had 3 successful poached eggs. I might it may sound impressive but that’s 3 in about 35 eggs. Boil a big pan of water add salt add wine vinegar strain an egg (FFS!!) make a vortex, drop egg in middle of spinning boiling water, making sure you don’t spin it too much then the water spills over and turns the induction hob off mid way, CUNT, and then after plopping the unfertilised chicken slowly into the swirling vortex of boiling water watch it disintegrate into a hundred bits of white and yellow.

I repeated this one 5 fucking times at which point after running out of Eggs and burning the toast I went and stood in my quiet place for the next move. Either admit defeat or kill every fucking chicken in the world so no cunt ever tries it again.

I’m up to 3.5 million Chickens 🏃🏼‍♂️🏹🐓

Be warned fellow cunters. The eggs are cunts.

Nominated by: Once a cunt always a cunt

46 thoughts on “Poached Eggs

  1. It’s easier to build a rocket in your shed and start a moon shot than attempt a poached egg.
    Allways thought they called ‘poached’ because the only way to have some was to thieve them from a culinary cunt that could make the things.

  2. $5 egg poaching pan (little cup things that sit over a large pan for the boiling water) from The Warehouse, perfect poached eggs in 4 minutes every time…..get one of these from your local tat store.The simplest way is often the best way.

  3. Full marks for trying to be a middle class cunt, Once. You’re a bit behind the curve though – now, to be truly middle class, you have to drive around in an SUV with bikes on a rack. Still carry the coffee cup, however, and, for add cunt points, a plastic bag full of dog shit.

    Then you’ll be a middle class cunt, my son.

  4. I must be a middle class cunt because I can poach an egg piece of piss. I can also cook spaghetti hoops and I do a nice cup a soup. However Since that is my full repertoire Mrs cunt since does the cooking.

  5. Is this a piss take ?
    A poached egg ffs
    Boil a pan of water , turn it off , drop egg in gently
    4 mins later perfection
    And I’m a cunt

    • Ive never had a poached egg in my life.
      But poached?
      Thought that was for the likes of David Niven, Richard Burton &Liz Taylor!
      Some flash bastards on here!!😁

      • Although being a Bryan Ferry type I HAVE had advocado, its similar to cussons soap.
        Its fuckin rubbish.

        • Green fruit, blecch. How can anyone want to eat something that looks like a diseased rams bollock. Overated shite for the meddling class that can’t afford the even more shite truffles.

        • Eating avocado? You posh types, showing off your electricity and windows – you’ll be getting one of those fancy Morris Marinas next!
          How the other half live – and poaching eggs is easy – simply slip to Sir Fiddlers at 3AM, hope he’s asleep and act foul around the fowl! 😄👍 🏃‍♂️

    • The Cumnock approach works for me also.

      I detect no complaints in the comments about the flavor of poached eggs, for me they are improved by a light dousing with Tabasco sauce.

  6. Seems like a great deal of bother really. And for something so simple.
    Anyway, let’s ratchet up the class. Anyone eaten or even tried cooking a sous vide egg?

  7. I might earn a cunting of my very own for this but here goes anyway …

    The key is fresh, high quality eggs. For freshness target 3wks remaining till use by date and only use multi-grain free-range etc. Both of these things will help make sure the egg is healthy and holds together in the water. I wouldn’t bother with the vortex thing, just make sure the water is almost but never quite boiling.

    I’ll get my coat.

  8. FFS Behave yourselves – As Kiwicunt says above, cheap egg poaching pan from home bargains – wipe plastic egg “cups” with oil (not GTX), crack 3 eggs into cups – Sit on gas ring (the pan, not you) and pour boiling water from kettle into 4th. SEVEN minutes = perfection. 4 minutes way too snotty.

    Remember to lift and waft duvet vigorously later that night once eggs have passed through your exhaust system.

  9. Throw eggs at insufferable cunt neighbour, go to greasy spoon and let that stubbly faced cunt and her husband do the cooking.
    Thank me later.

    • Me and a mate used to go out on the piss on Friday nights. He’d kip over at my place and in the morning we’d go to a greasy spoon round the corner and stuff ourselves stupid. 5 years of living in London and those were the days I enjoyed most. (Apart from some of the nights I picked up a slapper, they were fun too).

  10. Poached eggs, fuck off.

    3 fried eggs, 3 sausages, a stack of bacon, fried bread and enough chips to create another potato famine. The only way to have eggs. Oh yes, burst the yolks over the chips.

  11. I used to work with this colossal cunt. A daft and irritating bitch and ‘feminist’ gobshite who called the All England Tennis Championships ‘Wimby’, liked unfunny cunts like Stephen Colbert and Amy Sedaris (and she used what she called ‘Colbertisms’ like ‘Truthiness’ in everyday speech!). Also, she used to endlessly gob off about how she used to eat Eggs Benedict. Only thing is, in true to form smugcunt fashion, this daft bitch always referred to it as ‘Eggsy B’. Every fucking day, it was bragging about having Eggsy fucking B.

    God, I hated the cunt and I still do.

    • Any one who like amy sedaris or libtard Stephen colbert are undoubtedly cunts but eggs Benedict are really good Norm

      If she eating them everyday she must of been quite a whale Its a nice for a treat but its a fat rich dish gain quite a bit of weight eating them every day

  12. Poached eggs isn’t so hard to do @Oacaac you just really suck at it lol If you want a few pointers I’m happy to oblige as I make them and eggs Benedict quite often. First off you don’t want a rolling boil as you were describing in your hilarious failed attempt. You want a simmer which is about half the strength, so when you start up boiling water after its done turn it down to half way and get your eggs ready for the pot

    Second You want to drop the egg into a ramekin or small dish to ease it into the water instead of cracking the egg right in to the pot which can cause the yolk to burst out from the break. And lastly I would add a type of vinegar (it can be any kind) instead of using salt It works better I find just a small squirt will do. I broke an overcooked a few when my mother taught me poaching eggs but its easy peasy lemon squeezey once you learn how

  13. Haven’t tried poached eggs on avocado toast it doesn’t sound so bad honestly. Tho I prefer to have my avocado toast on rye bread with a small spread of honey

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