Dotty Old Bag-Ladies

Dotty old bag-ladies that put stupid amounts of birdseed out for urban pigeons.

Phew, sorry, a bit top-heavy that nom, but some old bat near me needs a steel-toecapped welly ramming swiftly and repeatedly into her arse, or front-arse. Fucking great piles of bird seed, with result that there are flocks of hundred of bloody flying vermin swooping around and cacking all over the shop.

What I like about Vienna and Berlin is that the council won’t hesitate to put down poison if any vermin infestation is suspected. If they ever caught the miscreants, it would be a free one-way ticket to a demo at Onkel Terry’s oven showroom.

Tom Lehrer had a catchy little number relating to this problem

Nominated by: HBelindaHubbard

54 thoughts on “Dotty Old Bag-Ladies

  1. I remember a mad old lady fro my youth called ‘Mad Peggy’. She was a very prim and proper lady and went mental, seemingly overnight. You would hear her coming from a distance off and she’d be saying the most vile and disgusting things imaginable. She once shouted at my mate’s sister, who was about 8 years old, ‘You fucking stinking little whore – Go and suck your dad’s cock!’ That was actually quite tame for her. Of course, myself and my teenage pals at the time would love it if we saw her about. Oh the laughs we’d have about what she’d call each of us. Kids can be cruel.

    The good news is that about a year later she went back to normal and nobody seemingly mentioned what she’s been calling everyone for months on end.

  2. Great cunting HBH.
    I hate cunts who feed the pigeons. It encourages these rot-legged flying rats to breed, leaving their shit everywhere. What a way to spend your time, sitting under a dripping railway arch on a six inch high mound of your own shit.
    Might get around to cunting pigeons sometime as well.

  3. I remember the fucking tourists in Trafalgar Square feeding the vermin of the skies. Shit everywhere. Go do it in your own fucking shithole of a country you rinky dinks.
    Still got the best of Tom Lehrer on LP somewhere in the loft.

  4. My cunt of a neighbour feeds pigeons.

    I don’t know if he’s a bag lady or not but I do know he needs to fuck off.

    On a lighter note I would like to oven his entire household.

  5. There was a kid in my school who used to like feeding the pigeons chips with alcaselzer in them.
    Apparently they can’t burp or fart. So they just split, and fall out of the sky.

    • I once read about a man that used to like Jumping on pigeons in London parks to see what was inside them. Obviously a sadistic cunt and wouldn’t condone that behaviour but just shows how nutters can be so varied. One wants to put food inside them, the other wants to then spread it all over the tarmac.

      “La Lala Laaaaaah” as our feathered rats would say, the filthy cunts.

  6. As a child I used to sometimes stay with my Grandparents who had a farm near the local looney-bin. The worst ones were kept under lock and key but the rest of them were free to wander the grounds of the hospital. One nutter woman took to coming to the farm and peering through the windows…scared the shit out of me but my Grandmother was made of sterner stuff…she discovered that the woman had lost her family and had some kind of breakdown…Dear Grandmother put this to use and used to invite the nutter in….set her on doing the washing,housework etc…the nutter was delighted,as was the Hospital who considered it a good use of the woman’s time. My Grandmother never paid her a Penny but the nutter seemed quite happy just to do housework…I wish I could find such a headcase…particularly if she happened to be bonny too..all my prayers would be answered.

        • As a good socialist, Long-Bailey would baulk at Fiddlers extensive land holdings that weren’t being used for collective farming and the lack of solar panels on the roof of Fiddler Towers.

    • Dear Sir Richard.
      When Lindsey Lohan completely snaps you may yet fulfill both of your desires, 2 birds with one stone as it were.

    • Now Sir Dick, with the sad passing of Lord Bath, even though his worldly chattels are inferior to yours, it is your duty as an English nobleman to take up his baton and take a dozen or so wifeletts.
      The law of averages dictates at least one will be a dab hand with the Mr Sheen.

  7. Not sure if it’s bag ladies or pigeons that’s getting the cunting? I’m sure that both could benefit from an ounce and a 1/4 of number 6!

    • Good nom HBH!👍
      Everyone knows on of these who attract pidgeons ( and mice and rats like birdseed too)
      Good hearted but mad as a shithouse rat.
      Like Fiddlers idea of putting them to work as slave labour not sure about spreading their legs though?
      Isnt that unethical?
      Im more romantic, mentally ill or not.

      • Afternoon Miserable, you get many nutter customers on your rounds? I’ve had a few crazy cat ladies a few Christians and just today a hoarder, harmless enough I suppose. Pepper spray still in its box.

        • Not many LL, get the odd famous one, footballer,
          Have a nutty one whose a witch!
          Shes nice enough, always tips us, but shes a mentalist.
          Shes “spiritual”😁😁
          Tries to be all deep and mystical, i just grin.
          And take the money.

          • Not moved Katie Price? Harvey’s reinforced playpen must be a pain to move.

          • Broke a premiership footballers glass dining table last year LL☺
            Massive 12seater glass fucker!!
            Took it out of his house, through the garden,
            Onto my van, drove it to a storage place, took it into a lift along a corridor, put it into a storage locker and it exploded into a million pieces!!
            Shit myself.
            Had a new glass top made, a few sleepless nights.
            Month later im moving him out of storage and confessed, said id had it remade etc
            He said “shouldnt of bothered, we’re going to get a new one!!”😠

          • That’s dedication Miserable, no mishaps like Del Boy and Rodney with chandelier from OFAH. The footballer would have probably paid for a new table after a few hours ‘work’.

          • I did some work for a Newcastle footballer..Irish lad he was…really canny and seemed to be fascinated by the climber…thought he was going to be up the fucking tree with him at one point.

  8. A nutty old bag is always in a park near where I live pushing a toddler´s pram filled with bags of birdseed and dried bread. She only wants certain species like waterfowl, finches, blackbirds etc. to get the food and hates pigeons in particular. She has a plastic bottle with a string around the neck which she wields like a lariat. I´ve never seen her actually hit a pigeon or scare them off. There are signs saying Don´t Feed the Birds everywhere but neither she nor the park staff pay any attention. Poor old biddy. Imagine ending up like that. My turn next, I suppose.

  9. Fresh pigeon is lovely…not those pavement rats they have in town bur proper wood-pigeons. I can’t be arsed to pluck and draw them so tend to just cut the breasts off and chuck the rest away.

    • Dick@
      Is pheasant nice?
      Is pheasant pleasant?
      Know posh cunts rate it,
      Theyre everywhere of a morning when im out in van, keep thinking of nabbing one, what do you have with them?

      • Tbh….they’re a bit over-rated unless you’ve got someone who really knows how to cook. I tend to hang mine for a few days and just eat the breasts…I won’t eat undercooked meat so tend to give them a good fry and use a tin of condensed mushroom soup as a sauce.
        I have had beautiful roast pheasant with all the trimmings but don’t think my cooking abilities are up to it and couldn’t be bothered anyhow….Food is never as good if you’ve cooked it yourself as when someone who really knows what they’re doing has cooked it.

        • Yeah, I like my meat well cooked too, yesterday ate out at a country pub,
          The roast beef was rare😢
          Ate it but only because Id paid for it.
          Probably caught worms again.😠

          • I’ve walked out of restaurants because the chef has refused to cook my steak “very well-done”…if I want my steak cooked to the point of cremation,that’s my business,not his…of course the fact that most chefs are alcoholic Cunts with access to sharp knives, I find it safer to shout my opinion of his abilities at a safe distance as I’m leaving.

          • @Sir Fidler and The Honourable miserable northern gentleman:

            Pigeon breast , pan fried with shallots and served on a bed of salad, drizzled with olive oil, best enjoyed with Merlot.
            Slurp, time to get the over and under out 👍

          • Might try that CG!
            You make it sound dead nice.
            The lady of Shallot!☺
            Got a bottle of merlot here too!

          • Dead easy and tasty-will impress your neighbours peering over the fence, with their fucking gourmet sausages cremating on the BBQ😉

          • At MNC-in a swanky Parisian restaurant I ordered steak tartar, when in Rome and all that.
            Fuck me, it was raw racehorse.
            Had to eat the fucking lot to impress the lady with me.

          • Yes, steak tartar isnt for me CG gracious no!
            I was raised to eat what was put in front of me and id probably eat it.
            But id be weeping and swearing loudly while I did.☺

          • It worked though.
            I enjoyed one of the finest fucks of me life later that night- perhaps raw meat really is an aphrodisiac

          • I’m not a pheasant plucker
            I’m a pheasant plucker’s son
            I sit here plucking pheasants
            Til the pheasant plucking’s done…

            I’ll get me coat.

    • I agree with Sir Fiddler on wood pigeon. Had half of one cooked over a campfire in my teens. Beats Pot Noodle for the 3rd day in a row.

      Conservationists shouldn’t threat. It was shot on the estate of a posh lad I used to know.
      Proper nice but dim type. Ended up at Balliol, or was it Brookes?

      • Sir Richard will condemn me as a peon, but I get a lot pheasant during the season and what I do is skin them, fillet the breast, bone out the thighs bin the rest including the drumsticks and cook them as per the instructions on a tin of Homepride red wine cook-in sauce. Outstanding 👍

  10. Pigeons are just the soyboys of the bird world, a bit of an annoying nuisance when they are gathered together in groups but harmless. The “far right”, however, are the seagulls……big fuckers and very nasty and aggressive when there’s food about. They seem to have lost their fear of humans in recent years, probably because of the take away boom and the number of filthy cunts eating in the street and chucking their unwanted food about.
    Accidentally go anywhere near their nests and you’ll fucking know all about it. Remember that Hitchcock film?

    • Cardiff is a bastard for seagulls, bloody fat fuckers.
      Mind you, that description could fit the gimmegrunts round here. At least Priti Patel has said that EU scumbags will now be repatriated for minor offences, such as repeated pickpocketing.

  11. Pidgeon shite on the car is a complete cunt, worse though, are the festering cunts at the Low Lights Car Park feeding the gulls and the rats. Rat shit is quite small ( fucking stinks though ) but by Christ! When a gull shites on the car!!!
    Theres always a daft fucking “wifie” throwing the chipsfor the gulls, and the fuckers bowel movements are an almost immediate response.

    • Stool. Pigeon. Aaah chat cha cha.

      Seagull shite is the worst. Like an etch primer on car paint.

      I sometimes see an old old woman, she drives her car to my street, parks up and opens the boot. Takes out pram, attaches bag to handles, opens car rear door and small dog jumps into pram and sits there to get taken for a push around the local park.

      Old woman returns later oblivious to the fact she left the boot and doors open earlier.

      Hey ho. Probably she shouldn’t be driving.

  12. Just been reading about some druggie in Plymouth who was attacked by a seagull, after his Big Mac. Apparently the spaced out cunt grabbed hold of it, bit it, and threw it on the ground. It’s not known how badly the gull was injured (or infected) as it flew off.
    Now, if you find that hard to believe well the cunt was nicked by 2 plod who just happened to be walking by and witnessed the whole thing! Now, how often do you see a copper in the street, let alone when you happen to be taking a bite out of a fucking seagull?
    Must be the unluckiest bloke in the world!

    • Well, every nick counts that adds to the arrest statistics I suppose. After all, they don’t get paid any more for wrestling a machete wielding Stanley to the ground after he’s just been in Alan’s Snackbar eh. I’d rather intervene in a fight between a junkie and a seagull any day for my salary!😂

  13. I can’t cunt bag ladies. They’re a national institution. All too rare on the streets for being chased away by Somalian machete enthusiasts and female rappers.

  14. Being a resident of the home counties we don’t do pigeon feeder bints here. No. We do urban fox feeding. Stupid grannies throwing chicken wings out the window or putting milk out for them, despite the fact these fuckers raid everyone’s bins. Come collection morning all the streets are strewed with rinds and vegetables.

    Cunts feeding cunts.

  15. I went to the country park one day to feed the birds, and as I became surrounded by geese I saw this pigeon hovering above me. I held out my arm, it landed on me and as I began to feed it I noticed it had a band on one of its legs. I felt good about giving it a helping hand on its journey home.
    Be nice to pigeons, they are our friends. Magpies are the nasty bastards.

  16. I remember when I was a “fookin’ stewwdent’ in Paddington in then1970s this fucking old pisshead called “Dolly” who was a regular in the nearby A&E.
    One morning when I was catching the train home back to civilisation (Plymouth, lol ) I was walking down the pedestrian entrance to Paddington Station when I spotted something that looked familiar . It was Dolly dressed in a filthy floral nightie rubbing her fetid toilet-area, pressing folds of the garment between her scrawny bum cheeks.
    Between her festering ulcerated ankles lay a sloppy mound of steaming shit. I’ll never forget the foul stench which assaulted my nostrils and ,even more disturbingly the fact that the muck was a fluorescent shimmering bright orange colour.

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