Faith healers

Faith healers are cunts, aren’t they.

Fortuitously we haven’t got many of these confidence tricksters in old Blighty. Perhaps we’re too cynical, perhaps we’re not gullible enough, perhaps we’re just too savvy. Nonetheless these snakes are still plying their nonsense across the globe.

Pastor Frankline Ndifor worked tirelessly as a faith healer in Cameroon. The “prophet” claimed that he was able to cure Covid-19. He was also a candidate in the central African state’s last presidential election.

It was going extraordinarily well until… he contracted Covid 19. Years of fleecing individuals by placing his hands on them and telling them that they’ve been cured has ended badly; the pastor died less than a week later.

It’s been more than three days and the charlatan still hasn’t “risen.”

Awkward.

Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

45 thoughts on “Faith healers

    • It’s not the faith healers who are cunts, it’s the numb bastards who believe in this shit, totally bereft of intelligence and common sense, they’ll turn up and happily give money to these shysters in order to be made fools of. One born every minute.

    • Jesus Cap!
      Its only been a few days!
      Give him 2 week bet hes back, Ive got total faith in him.

  1. I’ve been wrestling with this for some time Captain but there seems to be a theme with most of your apps which I can’t quite put my finger on. 😅
    Or should that be “lay my hands on.”

      • My nominations this year have included:-

        The President of Tanzania (dictator cunt)
        Harjit Bariana (slave owner cunt)
        Harry Styles (shampoo cunt)
        Robert Downey Junior (irritating cunt)
        Pritti Patel (useless cunt)
        Joylon Maughm (fox-murdering cunt)
        Praying (for idiotic cunts)
        David Geffen (wealthy cunt)
        Hulk Hogan (wrestler cunt)
        Madonna (celebrity cunt)
        Hilary Mantel (author cunt)
        John Mason (SNP cunt)
        and Jeremy Hunt (loser cunt)

        You’re right Bertie Basset, there is a link.
        They’re all cunts.

  2. There’s nowt so queer as folk…..

    It’s not really these con men/women that are the problem it’s the fact that there are thousands or even millions who actually believe the shit they are spouting.

    Now I am not saying that having a positive attitude when you are sick is a bad thing but the cunts who pedal the ‘laying on of hands’ as a cure, sometimes at the expense of professional care are very dangerous.

    The umbongo named in the nom is a perfect example, how many people did this cunt infect before god stepped in and struck him down 😂

      • Bob Dylan ceased doing folk music 55 years ago! 😂

        The folkies turned on him, calling him “Judas”.

        In 1966 he played Colston Hall, Bristol…

        Oh the shame of it!

  3. Well you may not think we have many faith healers in the uk, but remote reiki practitioners are making tonnes of money.
    Allow me to elaborate:
    Hippy in one house.
    You in another, miles and miles away.
    No telephone, computer or fuck all.
    You convince yourself your chakras are being massaged or whatever. Bright lights if it floats your boat.
    Reiki practitioner watches tv and has a spliff.
    You wire them money.

    If you are particularly mentally challenged you can pay them to do this to your pets.

    “ruff ruff pickles, did you enjoy your telepathic treatment..?”
    Dog licks balls.

    Google it, see how many of the cunts are in your area. It’s a plague.

      • Plenty of the Posh mums I see in cafes and Waterstones seem to be into this sort of thing.
        Deepak Chopra and Jamie Oliver on the book shelf

      • The biggest disease/ailment that the human species needs healing from is MYSTICISM or to put it another way – Mind Distorting Non-Reality. Religious leaders of all kinds for instance depend on the propogation and re-affirmation of un proven truths in order to be able to control masses of people (followers) largely by the power of FEAR and HOPE. Fear and Hope are vulnerable back doors into the human state of mind that are easily exploited by those that use the manipulative language of mysticism to get what THEY want.

        It’s certainly true that people that use charlatans such as faith healers deserve to be ripped off and let down by them but I wouldn’t go as far as to call those people cunts. Fool’s more like. These fool’s are often desperate for a cure to an illness that they don’t believe conventional medicine or therapy will solve, but the truth is, if faith works for them, they simply weren’t ill in the first place.

        Faith Healers, like Popes, Ayatollahs, Archbishops, Dream Anylists, Tealeaf/ Palm Readers are thieving, cheating hoaxing cunts of the first order because they prey on the weak minded and leave them ultimately disappointed whilst remaining intact.
        I want to see all of these cunts including the neo-cheating cunts of recent times all called out and rendered POWERLESS.

    • C-Flap, you ought to write a nomination for Reiki. I typed it in and you’re right. I can’t believe it. How can these imposters impregnate society with such nonsense?

    • Had a good record as England manager too, until he expressed his religious beliefs. I wonder if a Muslim would have been sacked.

      • I believe that black people are reincarnated white people who are being punished for being waycist in their previous life.

        • Rumour has it that Glen Hoddle ordered the England players to visit some hokey old faith Healer. Ray Parlour sat there waiting and when this charlatan put her hands on his head he said, “Short back and sides, please, Eileen.”
          Never played for England again.

          • Glen Hoddle had a real talent with a football but being “blessed” with a “footballing brain” is more of a handicap- see the current black power saluting fuckwits.
            Talking of handicap- wasn’t it Hoddles comments that handicapped people were being punished by God, that ended his career?
            The fucking haddock faced, mullet headed cunt.

  4. Peter Popoff has to be the biggest and most hilarious cunt of this ilk. (Except for Mother Teresa).
    In spite of having being exposed by James Randi as being a thieving, lying, cunt, he actually made a comeback thanks to the gullible fools who are easily parted from their money.

  5. Was just watching a programme that discussed how Buddhist monks developed chakras 3000 years ago that actually rearrange enzymes in the brain, neuroscience can detect the changes but can’t explain them.

    Much of science was once considered paranormal or heresy back in the day.

    I’m of the view that I don’t know everything and humanity has a lot to learn. Faith healers are often very dodgy people but the power of belief is something serious scientists take seriously.

  6. Wrong cunting but….. 
    Cambridgeshire Constabulary have indicated that it is their position that Professor Gopal’s tweet, specifically, “does not constitute an offence” — but they are “investigating all reports into the racist and threatening abuse that Professor Gopal has suffered

  7. A woman arranges for a faith healer to see her sick husband who’s lying in bed.
    He lays on hands, says a prayer and says he will return in a week.

    Seven days later he returns and lays on hands.
    As he leaves he says, “Faith and belief are the way, you’re husband is no longer sick, he just thinks that he is sick.”

    The following week he sees the woman in the street and asks, “How is your husband..?”

    “He thinks he’s dead”….

  8. I made a lucrative living in the 1980s selling Afterlife Insurance.

    It made me the multi-billionaire I am today and provided valuable peace of mind to thousands of gullible cunts and their families.

    A win win situation, what’s not to like?

    • Did your brochure have lots of chapters about magic, good and bad, eternal life, pictures of serene clouds, reward and punishment schemes, and any tricky questions explained away with “you must have faith” or “God works in mysterious ways” ?

      I think I found one in a hotel room once. Evening Sir Ruff.

      • Evening Capt, you old rascal you!

        Actually, the wording in my glossy brochure was surprisingly simple, sober and straightforward:

        “From as little as £20 a week, RTC Afterlife will guarantee you entry into Heaven, no ifs, no buts, no maybes.”

        Then there were lots of pictures of God and Jesus posing with several of my previously dead clients to prove it wasn’t a scam. Plus loads of satisfied endorsements etc.

        I’m currently offering ‘mates rates’ to esteemed ISAC colleagues if you’re interested?

        • If there’s photographic proof AND endorsements then
          Creampuff Heaven sounds like my kind of Afterlife gig. This will be even better than when you told me they’d taken the word ‘gullible’ out of the dictionary. I’ll have to check with my crygenic people first though.

          Incidentally, if Satan tortures bad people in the afterlife, isn’t he doing something good? I hope your brochures are less confusing. The Bible was written by people who claimed they had all the answers but couldn’t explain where the sun went at night. And that opening page is equally confusing:-

          Day 1 – God created Light.
          Day 4 – God created the light source.

          Awkward.

          • Stop it Captain, you’re making my brain hurt!

            By the way… to be honest… and please keep this under your hat… but those pictures in my brochure depicting resurrected dead cunts with Jesus and God were… how can I put this, err… faked.

            Everything else is true though. At least I’ve never had any complaints that would suggest otherwise.

  9. A genuine job, honest!:

    ‘Caller wants ambulance to check she’s not dead’

    Query on the radio that it’s a relative they’re concerned about. ‘No’, say Despatch, ‘She wants you to check that SHE’S not dead, still on the line to caller, Stand By’.

    Needless to say, we were stood down….

  10. Remember moving back to Britain in 2001 and being dragged to a chapel sermon by Lady Quimson, he said this man cures cancer, I stifled my laughter and sat near the back of the chapel, this “snake oil” merchant slithers in, the cunt looked like Bobby Ball’s oirish cousin, he was fucking hilarious, shouting like Ian Paisley and saying he could cure everything from pulled muscle to polio, almost got up to ask the cunt if his straight jacket had come undone!, what an absolute cunt he was!

  11. I went to a faith healer show while in the US. Absolute crap!! In fact it was so bad, some guy in a wheelchair got up and walked out!!

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