Coffee Drinkers


An ooh-get-the-madam pretentious? – moi? cunting please for the new trendy snobs – “serious” coffee drinkers. At one time wine connossieurs were considered the most asinine pretentious motherfuckers in the world, but the post Maxwell House soy boys have managed to outdo them, even garnering serious articles in the City AM newspaper:

How to make the perfect cup of coffee at home

Of course, pansy “City boy” poseurs have always tried to make an easy job hard, their way of appearing macho in a soft as shit world – half an hours hard exercise in a Bishopsgate gym, before applying the “discreet” makeup to cycle the 500 yards back to the office (a final dusting of powder after removing the cycle helmet – can’t have a shiny nose when arsehole crawling to the lady boss).

This article (online only as there is no printed hard copy at the moment), even suggests getting scales to measure out the coffee beans – even the wine lovers didn’t go that far!. Go on lads, go and just get a bottle of Camp coffee and a tin of Ideal Milk like we did in the fifties and stop being so fucking arty-farty.

Nominated by W. C. Boggs

100 thoughts on “Coffee Drinkers

  1. As I drink my cup of Nescafé instant I wonder if I’m one of these cunts. I’ll check the jar for such words as ‘artisan’.

    Worried now

    • Smug C, are you sure you haven’t been buying goat milk but the letter G printed on the label has rubbed off?

      I don’t like coffee but I do love coffee cake.

      • Oats are actually really good for boosting testosterone production in the body Smug so eat your porridge. Oat milk isn’t so bad actually but I prefer almond milk over it

        Soy milk will turn you into a flaming effeminate homo if you drink enough of it tho a glass or two every once in a while shouldn’t hurt. Coffee cakes are lovey, i’m having some zucchini bread with chocolate chips rn its really good

  2. What next I wonder?

    How to make the perfect Big Mac from Home.
    How to make the perfect dump in your bog.
    How to pick your nose in public without causing offence.
    How to have the perfect wank without feeling guilty

    Have these cunts nothing better to do with their fetid time?

    • Funny you mention the Big Mac.

      They’re already doing how to make a sausage and egg mcmuffin at home.

    • The wanking without feeling guilty is easy. Just have a doctor’s sample jar near you whenever you bash away. That way, if caught, you can just say you’re donating your sperm to the local sperm bank. Or that the doctor wants to test your spunk for its potency etc.

      A completely legitimate wank or a life of shame after the Mrs and her mother catch you bashing away to ‘Big Boobed Asians 5’. The choice is yours.

      Get a sample jar off Ebay or wherever to cover yourself if ever caught.

  3. If I have no option and in need of a caffeine wake up call I will begrudgingly use these wank outfits infested with suits,beards ‘n’ tatts and wimminz types of public dross.
    Once asked for my choice the answer is coffee, not double dip,mung bean vanilla macaroni topped with a cunting biscotti.
    Just coffee. The look of superior disdain on their faces is sublime, the look of utter contempt on mine is warmth personified.
    You may know the names of 25 different ways of putting a warm beverage in a paper cup but at least I’m not acting the cunt for the minimum wage. Stick that up your khaki Starbucks.

  4. I hate these dives as I’m sometimes forced to enter these places for meetings. I always order a cup of tea or a hot chocolate. Seems to really annoy the cunts too.

    Once had someone say to me, ”You don’t know what an Americana is?”

    My reply of, ”No, because I’m not a cunt” actually garnered a few laughs at the time.

    Give me the greasy spoons any day of the week. You got a proper sized cup and a proper brew for 50p. Not a fiver for a tiny cup of coffee from the arse end of the Amazon or summat. Load of bollocks. It’s a fad and I predict these wanky places will become a thing of the past soon enough.

    Oh, and all that coffee they sell tastes the fucking same anyway. Probably all Kenco from Tesco anyway. Daft cunts.

  5. One teaspoon Nescafe gold, two teaspoons golden granulated, add hot water and full fat milk.

    Best consumed when mildly hungover.

    Repeat as reqiired.

  6. Coffee smells great. Unfortunately it tastes like sun-dried crusty arsehole.

    I think it should be banned to be honest. Can you imagine how much more relaxed life would be? Without their morning meth hit half a city would have to make more time for sleep instead, causing a shuffle of lifes priorities.

    Coffee is corporate meth that turbo charged the workforce into outputting more, and now we all have to keep up with you jittery shit breath cunts. Fucking breath smells like the inside of an arsehole.

    • If you want a really good laugh, swap the office coffee for decaf for a week and then swap that for the full caffeine variety.

      There will be temper tantrums, tears and profuse sweating on week two.

      Sit back and watch. Cheap entertainment.

      • If it weren’t for the cctv camera in the kitchen space I’d implement your delightful scheme. Would probably kill off a good portion of my office from heart failure and conniption fits.

      • I have a cousin who was responsible for the maintenance and technology on a small fleet of oil exploration ships. They had a report of the crew feeling lethergic and headaches etc. They assumed it was a gas leak or diesel fumes from the engines and spent 2 weeks stripping the ship down before finding the chef had bought some cheap decaf coffee. They hired the boats out at about $30,000 a day so it was an expensive tin.

        • Classic. I bet a woman would have figured that one out before they wasted all that time stripping the ship.

          Whether that’s because she had superior intuition or lateral thinking, or because she can’t operate a screwdriver and went for the simple fix. Who knows 😁

          • If a Woman was in charge the ships would never leave port – the Sistas would be too busy arguing about what colour curtains they should have! 😄

  7. Fuck all wrong with coffee, it’s just the utter pretentious cunts making the simple pleasure of a good black coffee into a fucking big deal…..fucking hipster cunts ruin everything they go near

  8. I had to quit caffeine a couple of years ago for health reasons. The withdrawal symptoms were surprisingly worse than coming of tabs and booze combined!

    Now drink decaf. Took awhile to find a decent one. Kenco Decaff is pretty good. Nescafé is the pits.

    • Yes – open the fucking pubs you cunts. It’s all part fo the moslamic conspiracy. Face covering – check, no alcohol – check.

      A lady who works at a local primary school in the People’s Republic of Waltham Forest (previously known as a “nuclear free” council, but now “green”) has told me that the mohammedan kids won’t use the provided hand-sanitiser as it contains alcohol. Good – hope they all get the lurgy.

      • Excellent. Let’s spread a rumour that there is pork in the Fairy Liquid so they don’t clean any dishes.

    • Morning MNC – Camp coffee is full of chicory, and pretty rank!
      But I am glad I have a grown up on the telly thing to tell me how to do it – I could drop the cup, burn myself, anything! 😢
      We need “Coffee with Chuck Norris” – make it, drink it, duff up some foreign type – sorted!

    • mnc – when my mum bought it back in the fifties it was considered a weekend luxury – in that you had the luxury of throwing it up in your own bathroom. She used to give it to me when I was home on shore leave bless her. It looked like very dark Daddies sauce (which didn’t taste so bad compared to Camp, and sort of shuffled its way out of the bottle like Covonia). The bottle had a blue red and gold label, and should anyone have known the alternative meaning to camp in those days, it had a big butch bearded man with a cup in his hand drinking it. He looked a bit like Lloyd Russell Moyle, so……… oh…….

      • Good nom WC, ive never had it to be honest, heard of it obviously,
        The name makes me smile 😃

        • I remember back in the 1970s when I was a penniless student and the two oil crises sent the price of coffee skyhigh so I could not afford it. I then started buying cheapo “coffee” with chicory. It was awful stuff and put me off any kind of coffee for about 10 years. Great nom though.

    • I still drink camp coffee. Doesn’t have the bitter taste and leave your mouth smelling like a badgers dumped in it like granulated coffee.
      They had to change the label a few years back as it had the Indian gent serving the white man his drink. I think now it shows him just standing aside him.
      I have to say think cos the wife makes 99% of the hot drinks.

  9. Insightful and relevant cunting Mr W.C Boggs, this is one of many totally inane subjects injected with some full on wankery that have blossomed over the past decades as the hearts of oak and up yours attitude of the average Brit has been stymied by the tsunami of cuntery that is pc. I struggle to imagine my dear departed father attempting to make the perfect cup of coffee at home, he would just pour water onto freeze dried coffee chuck in some sugar and milk and hand you the mug. Any statement apart from thanks re the quality of the drink would be met with a cheery “go fuck yourself” and a rather odd stare. Happy days long gone. What is it with all this makeup for men? Rate this is going we are fucked.

  10. Coffee?
    For yanks and the ADHD.
    I drink tea or ale.
    Sometimes a delicate elderflower cordial.
    Im a Englishman.

    • Elderflower sees a tad French, n’est-ce pas?

      Tea and gin for me but only tea grown in England (Cornwall) and gin with juniper berries that haven’t been imported or plucked by dirty Dooshkas.

      Ale is alright but only Kentish ale and none of that miserable northern rubbish that tastes like sheep urine.

      • Indeed a generous splash of Roses Lime Cordial, some full fat Schweppes or R Whites Lemonade in a tall glass. Add some ice. A real summer cooler.

      • Bloody hell captain, having a go at our northern beer, Tim Taylors rules
        You can rubbish our accents, our slag women but not our beer!

        • Hear, hear. SOI!

          Kent doesn’t have the monopoly on good beer. My favourite tipples are Adnams – Ghost Ship Pale Ale or Broadside (if I am feeling a bit reckless). Good old Suffolk (Southwold) brews. Best necked with some Suffolk Blue cheese and a crusty roll.

          I used to love Old Bob when they brewed it in Felsted, Essex. Since they moved it over to the other side of London and changed the water, it tastes bland.

        • I stand corrected and beg pardon Sickie. Tim Taylors is drinkable as is Bank’s from Woolver’ampton.

          • Quite liked Hydes Anvil Bitter many years ago, I don’t think they make it now and I remember a very nice guest beer in my old ‘local’ Pendle witches, from Burnley I think
            I must admit being partial to a nice G&T

          • Feel free to adjust the syntax Mr.Honeydew. Either is correct although you have slightly altered the meaning.

            English cider is the best (Irish cider also uses English apples [from Kent]; I know the farmer cunt who sells them) though I prefer a Dutch läger like Orangëboom.

        • Nowt like a good Manzanilla; ex ellent with Paella.
          Best drunk the Spanish way, NOT out of “sherry” glasses (or even schooners), but out of bog-standard wine glasses.
          I believe a different sort of schooner is trad for Newcastle Brown, but alas! I never drank it in Newcastle when I lived there. Used to go to a huge old pub (Percy Arms?) a few yards W of Grey’s Monument

    • Tea is generally best accompanied by a meat filled pie. Said tea must be in a large cup.
      Wonder if nasty Naz gets coffee on the boat home? I hope I live long enough to find out.
      On other news, I have just bought a new kettle.

    • With you on all of the above MNC. 👍Not sure about the Elderflower though are you on the turn ? 😆 Have to confess to liking the Bulmers Berry cider of late and stumbled on it by accident so guess we’re even ! Would love to do a drive-by with a Mach-10 past all these coffee shops, full of pretentious cunts. Never trust anywhere that sells you one cuppa that you can buy a whole jar for at the supermarket for less. All owned by greedy robbing bastards.

      • All owned by offshore greedy minimum wage paying tax dodgers Rob.
        If Sleepy Boris the traitor wants to raise some cash without getting the kung fu begging bowl out (he’s on his third bowl – the first two were made in China and fell to bits!) how about bringing in a law – if you trade in the UK you are subject to Corporation tax and UK legislation – don’t pay it and your company is taken over and sold.
        But the treacherous Turk won’t do that – because the corporations will stop paying bribes, er, I mean “contributions” to the Conservatives.
        Thieves and fools. And we pay for them.

      • Rob,
        Dunno, the elderflower is gay as fuck but I love it!
        Few ice cubes in it sat in garden complaining about bloody foreigners?
        Happy days!👍

        • Excellent form! My late Mothers favourite drink was elderflower cordial – I avoided it like the plague as she gave me some foul thing called “tripe” once, but tried it once and it’s actually quite pleasant!
          Tripe is DISGUSTING though.

          • My grandad loved tripe Foxy, that and brawn.
            No need for that nowadays think it was a leftover from the war years when you couldnt be fussy.
            We’ll just have a steak eh mate?☺ 👍

          • I like tripe….plenty of black pepper on it. The landlord at my local used to put a bowl of it on the bar every Sunday dinnertime because he knew that only him and me would eat it.

      • My favourite ales usually come from Fullers. I love strong porters and stouts. The Fullers Imperial Stout is 10.7% and drinking that gives me the same satisfied feeling as when the wife gives me a blowie. I just seem to drink the stout more frequently.

      • There’s nothing wong with a nice cup of tea! 😄😄
        After a complete lack of investigation I have discovered tea was actually invented in England – I used the BBC fact checker and everything! 👍

  11. It’s really sad, but the cunt in the picture actually thinks he’s some kind of craftsman.

    You’re a fucking tea boy/char lady on minimum wage, you daft poncy cunt.

    • He is not a craftsman. He is using metal in food preparation. Coffee beans should only be roasted in a clay pot made from clay local to where the beans grew and ground using stone similarly sourced. And where is the thermometer? How will he keep the beverage at optimum temperature while adding the milk? It’s a function of barometric pressure, relative humidity, the variety of coffee & complexity of roast. In the clay pot. And I doubt that pyrex thing was made on site at the coffee estate. Sad is not the word 🙁

  12. “Ow does tha make one? – I’m glad tha asked – put milk in, coffee, sugar, stir then sup – even a snowflake can do it, but watch out for that hot water kiddies”!
    Do we seriously need some prig faced old scratter to tell us how to perform basic tasks?
    Or, as I recall in my experience – “and what would you like”? “Coffee, milk, sugar, hot water and fucking sharp you thieving bastards!”
    As I once replied to some pretentious up her own arse gal in some manner of “coffee shop” – she appeared highly unimpressed for some reason, but I did not shed too many tears when the place shut a couple of Months later, maybe not charging six quid for a cup of flavoured hot water and treating customers like shit might be an idea for the future if you want to stay in business.
    Tightfisted Fox! 👍😄

    • When I’m in one of these cunting coffee places with Lady C, I always pull the old “don’t tell him Pike” when they ask for her name. Makes me laugh, but goes right over the staff’s heads as they are invariably foreign and about 12 years old.

  13. You can buy a block off good expresso coffee that lasts a week or so for about $6 (3 quid) in the supermarket. Fuck paying a fiver for a bucket of milky piss.

    I like my morning coffee black and bastard strong. Starbucks can suck my balls.

  14. I think I am a serious coffee drinker, minimum 5 per day, Earl Grey every morning with breakfast, cereal and grapefruit juice.

    Whenever I go into a coffee shop (not often) and I see some cunt with shirt saying trainee Barista I think how much training does anyone need to make a cup of coffee…. bunch of cunts!

      • Maitlis needs to be working in a coffee shop, nasty little rat she is.
        I remember when the BBC was accurate, honest, impartial and fair.
        Now it’s a cabal of the truly evil and a mouthpiece and propaganda machine for the hateful communist left.
        Make it a subscription only broadcaster – let’s see if they will still pay the sniggering crisp seller millions when their audience is down to 6.

  15. Best thing that happened to me was going to a cafe and the waitress apologised as the coffee machine was broken. Do you mind a cup of instant – and it was free. Instant coffee for a few pence is all I ever fucking want.

  16. Coffee shops are disgusting establishments that are frequented by bummers and european types.
    I have a jar of Nescafe Gold at home, in case any visitors what a cup rather than tea, but I wouldn’t touch the stuff.
    Bollocks to coffee shops, what’s wrong with carrying a flask of coffee with you.
    Cheaper and much more British.

  17. RTC They do a fair one at Lidl: Bellarom Gold Decaffinated Free. £1.49 a bottle.

    See what I am reduced to now they put “classic” soap on for the spouse on ITV3 in the mornings, when the lazy old boot used to shift her arse down to the shops! 🙁

    • You’re not wrong there, WCB. Lidl’s coffee is excellent for the price.
      It’s a bit gay & girly I know but I find a capful of Baileys in a Lidl de-caff coffee before bedtime most relaxing.

  18. Only cunts use these fucking Yankiedoodle or fucking artisan coffee shops. If you must have a coffee then go in a proper caff. To sit and sup, not ponce around town with. In a fucking mug. White or black. White being with milk not fucking quinao extracted sperm substitute.

    • Had one of those in the roof rafters in Sumatra. If you saw the maggots dead birds they drag in and the mess of red shit hucked and up shat around you’d think thrice about your next cup if that cat-shit treat

  19. Coffee with brandy in it is acceptable.
    These Fashion Gays selling fancy beans or whatever are not acceptable in any way.
    Bat flu will straighten them out.
    Fuck off.

    • Unkle Terrys Great British Coffee Shop – I can see it now – “Is the coffee this way, yah”?
      “Why yes, just step through the door that says oven on it”!..

  20. Couldn’t agree more WC. I enjoy a nice coffee as much as anyone, but this ‘coffee snob’ rubbish is as bad as wine or malt whisky snobbery.
    Pretensious wankers.

  21. I am impressed on a regular basis regarding the amazing range of people ,products ,procedures and event that we miserable bastards find to vent our spleen upon.

    • This website reminds me of an uncensored version of that old TV show ‘Grumpy Old Men’ where grumpy old famous cunts would whinge about everything. It was actually pretty fucking funny, which is why the BBC no longer show it, of course.

      • I stopped watching it when it converted to snowflakism and had that nasty little junkie bigot Will Self on it.
        Some piece of work that champagne socialist is.

        • Very true, forgot about that cunt.

          Arthur Smith and Rik Wakeman were funny as fuck on it though if memory serves me right.

  22. Jamaican Blue Mountain…the best in the world in my opinion. Very expensive I paid abaaaaht £30 for half a kilo, in Jamaica last year…The price is ridiculous because it’s hard to gather and process and the Japanese buy most of it.

    • I can imagine you in some exclusjve restaurant and the waiter asking ‘how would like your coffee Sir?’ and you replying ‘black and white’ and then him pouring the creamy white milk into the swirling cauldren of black then stirring then giving it to you as you sit back inhaling the rich metaphor.

      • I was going to say I have a coffee after my tea, but I mean after my evening meal. I have to control my diet so I make it with semi-skimmed milk, decaffeinated ground coffee and three sweeteners. Is that pretentious? Ok then. Tea is horrible.

      • Afternoon Miles, funnily enough I am how I like my Coffee…Black with Milk in it.
        No sugar though…coffee shouldn’t be sweet.

        • I cant stand Decaff Allan, I enjoy the buzz from Coffee too much. If you drink too much strong coffee it can really mess you up though.

          • A cup of good coffee first thing wakes me up – and it’s a nice thought knowing I haven’t paid some shifty vaping hipster a fiver for the privilege!

  23. Arty-farty poseurs, and inauthentic cunts too. Coffee is made like this, from Arabica beans grown high in the Yemen hills.

    Anything else isn’t coffee…though I’m stretching a point because you’re really supposed to make it over a camel-dung and acacia fire in the Empty Quarter.

    (But seriously, a bit of ground cardamom infused with the brew isn’t a bad idea at all.)

  24. My coffee is strong, black and sweet.
    French press always.
    Need to use both hands to stir it.
    No cow juice, ever.
    It’s a drink, for fucks sake, not a fashion statement.
    Make it how you like it and enjoy, don’t go around talking about it.

  25. ” At one time wine connossieurs were considered the most asinine pretentious motherfuckers in the world, but the post Maxwell House soy boys have managed to outdo them,”

    Well, there was that trend [wine] of using a thermometer in the wine bottle and a chart for year/variety/chateau etc., between 68˚F and maybe 80˚F but get your claret 1˚ over the optimum and you had a serious meltdown on your hands. Of course you could recalibrate one to read hot then enjoy the anguish of a beverage being ruined by a philistine [even though you knew it was really 77˚ just the thermometer reading 82 😀 as they glared at you like you’d just driven over their baby] and said how awful it was!

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