Small Talk

I really loathe and detest small talk. It’s one of those awkward social twonks you have to deal with on a regular basis, and it really is hard work at times.

Last night I ordered a taxi, and had to spend a good 20 minutes trying to strike up a conversation with the driver (who was British for a change) in order to avoid equally awkward silences. So you strike up a conversation with the usual inane questions:-

“Busy tonight?”
“Do you enjoy this lark?”
“Any cunts you’ve had to deal with?”

Another scenario is small talk in the lift/elevator. Other than saying “4 please” that’s about as far as I want to go with talking to other cunts in the lift, especially cunts I don’t know. So we all stand there looking at the floor lights above the door, all of us wishing for our floor number to glow and the doors to open so we can get the fuck out!

Or you need a plumber, a spark or some other handyman (oops, I mean “handyperson”), to come round and fix something. Again more with the small talk “Would you like a cup of tea?” “How are you getting on?” “Had a busy day?”

Or queuing at bus stops. Not so much the big queues, but if there’s 2 or 3 of you, and the bus is running late and the small talk kicks in.

“The bus is late isn’t it”?
“Bus service is getting worse!”
“It’s the government’s fault”
“The weather’s bad isn’t it?” (as we get blown around in a force 10 gale with the rain lashing at our faces)

Then there’s the social occasions like weddings and birthdays, and the pain of more small talk spread over hours and hours of utter bollocks with people you don’t really know.

Or you enter an office early in the morning, and you go into the office kitchen, and there’s some cunt there making a coffee. You don’t know this person, but you’re not sure whether to be polite and strike up a conversation or just to shut the fuck up and ignore him. But you feel inclined to say at least “Good morning!” which puts the ball in his court, until he replies in kind. And then you’re kind of fucked as to what to say next!

It also reminds me of those 1st dates when I was in my naive yoof. You’d meet up with your girl inside a pub or eatery, you’re then shown a table, the waiter takes your order, and then you’re both sitting there face to face (this was in the days way before the distraction of mobile phones), and you’re desperately trying to think of something profound in order to impress your girl, but your brain lets you down yet again. So you end up saying something shite like “Do you come here often?”

These days I feel far more inclined to say how I truly feel, but politeness always holds me back.

Nominated by Technocunt

40 thoughts on “Small Talk

    • Nosy cunts deserve a cunting all of their own.

      Some cunts start with something like ‘So how long have you lived around here?’ and before you know it, they want to know your entire life story before you even know their name.

      I usually have a laugh with these cunts and say I’m a reformed serial killer. I got better after twenty years in Broadmoor (and then twitch a bit and laugh hysterically with crossed eyes).

      Then I ask them if they’d like to come and look at my meat cellar and if they’d like a gander at my room stuffed with Michael Winner mannequins in women’s clothing.

      Does the trick.

    • I’m getting a feeling of deja vu. Hasn’t this nom already been done. It seems word for word the same.

      Or maybe I’m losing it stuck at home 🤔

  1. It reminds me of the time me & a mate called for a beer… There was an attractive young bar maid serving us.
    So obviously we struck up conversation.. Her replyn-
    “I’m not here to fucking talk shite to you, I’m here to serve drinks.. That’s all”..

    • As RTC would probably say (and I wholeheartedly agree) :

      “You’ve given me the horn”

      Hope all’s well out there in ISAC Land. Stay safe, fellow cunters. Weird times….

  2. One good thing about this Batshit Plague, no cunt wants to hang around talking bollocks.
    Here’s one:

    Prince Charles……..Covid 19

    Prince Andrew……..Caroline 14

  3. Wear dark glasses. It instantly makes you look cold and remote. And don’t move it makes you look like an android devoid of all warmth and human qualities.

  4. I can’t be bothered with small talk…I rather enjoy long,uncomfortable silences. I just stare at them as they gabble on before eventually saying “Sorry,I’ll have to stop you there…..”..wait a couple of seconds and then come out with “…’re boring me.”

    Works a treat with even the most determined of wafflers.

  5. I don’t know, I would much rather make small talk than have to deal with ignorant motherfuckers. It literally costs nothing to be pleasant.

    But, thankfully I work from a home, have done for 20 years now, so I couldn’t give a fuck one way or the other.

    The only thing I hate about my job at the moment is the fact that I’m waiting for digital files from China and I’ve got to video conference with an American transexual who identifies as Debbie, but is actually a strapping 6 footer called Brad with an adams apple the size of a walnut.

    I find it so difficult to be polite and not just fucking gaffaw with laughter every time I se the cunt…

  6. I have to disagree with one of the points in this excellent nom.
    The part about elevators.
    Whenever I go in one of those damned contraptions small talk is usually the furthest thing from my mind.
    My entire body and mind are focusing 100% on holding in the beer and curry fart from the previous nights feasting and boozing session.

    • I always pray I don’t get stuck in one for an hour like I did in a department store back in the 70’s. I was only a teen and the adults in there just ignored me. I wish I had farted. I would have been happy enough to shit myself in some sort of messy revenge against the ignorant bastards.

  7. Anyone else here crave a tasty bowl of batsoup or pangolin chow mein right about now? No just me?

    Boy this corona shit is a sad story isn’t it?!, you know what makes it so sad? It could of been prevented but we are ruled by incompetent corrupt fucking retards. I’m not biased either both cuntservatives and libtards are at fault.

    We had prior knowledge of the severity of this virus as far back as December. Conservative reaction is fucked as usual ‘its just a flu’ you probably won’t even get it anyways they said influenza is worse… unbelievable fuckheads. Libtards reaction was also fucked what about the poor chinese people they said people could be racist towards them with the connotation of wuflu.

    Well Italy should learned its lesson when the mayor of Florence thought instead of being racist lets hug newly arrived immigrants from wuhan to show we aren’t racist as the ultimate form of cucked virtue signaling. I honestly don’t know where we go from here cunters this shit will increasely get 100 times worse or by some divine miracle it will subside in a few months maybe I’m just anxious and paranoid cheers m8’s what do you cunters think?

      • I think so too Dozy but I’m not that optimistic to begin with, i have a nihilist worldview most of the time. My nerves usually never get this bad but its kinda hard not to with a airborne virus of this magnitude isn’t helping thats for fuck as sure.So i’m having a beer to stop my shaking. They should at least legalize valium with this pandemic going on, I could use a few right now

        I don’t even want to go outside today but rent has to be paid and i guess if i’m going out might as fucking well go grocery shopping too but this is no time to panic i think…

    • I try and keep busy to take my mind off of. Difficult though. Even if I try watching Peaky Blinders (just started watching it) I lose focus and keep thinking about it.

      It’s almost as bad as it was when I was 14 and thinking about naked ladies.

      • You are right cunty I just got a little spooked this morning watching all those Chinese corona vids on twitter and on youtube was watching china wildlife trafficking of pangolins and bats.

        You just got to look on the positive side of things and keep busy. I still haven’t got around to watching peaky blinders with everything I’m watching on netflix right now. I heard 1st season is really good but it gets really progressive after on. Pss hardened murdering criminals and thugs somehow really disgusted with racism makes perfect sense stupid bbc cunts

        • You’re right about Peaky Blinders. Season 1? Fucking great.

          Season 2? Watched half of the first episode, until the lead, Tommy Shelby, said, “Let the lady talk. We are a modern business that believes in equal rights for women.”

          As if an alpha male gangster in 1922 would say such a thing?

          It seems the BBC got everyone hooked, and once they got the numbers, they used their usual tactics of chucking their agenda down your throats.

          Not falling for it. Not going to watch it anymore unless someone tells me it was a blip. I’m expecting dark key heroics and lashings of gayness

          Am I wrong?

  8. I have a good strategy for ending small talk, particularly if its endless stuff about did you see such and such on the telly or at the pictures etc etc.
    If you say no, then they usually tell you all about it anyway.
    So if they now ask did you see the tennis yesterday, I usually reply…
    “I had the option.”
    Which leaves them rather dumbstruck and works a treat.
    “Fuck off” has its merits too

  9. Word is…Diane Abbott is said to be delighted that the BBC have stopped filming Casualty and Holby City so as to release the staff to help fight the coronavirus….

  10. It’s the silence that you are trying to avoid of course. I remember growing up when ‘visitors’ would come and it seemed to me it took them ages to get going. ‘Well, well well’, ‘Well, well, well’ These were Irish people so you would have thought with their reputation for the ‘craick’ and talk about the ‘old country’ they would have got going much more quickly. But no, long excruciatingly minutes of-‘Well, well, well”, ‘Well, well, well’, ‘Well, well, well..’

  11. I don’t have any problems with small talk, I’m as full of shit as anybody else (except reality TV, celebrities and sport, know fuck all about any of those ‘subjects’).

  12. I hate small talk. I hate big talk too. I’m not much of a conversationalist. Luckily for me, Lord C can do both when necessary, thus saving the day. As to this self-isolating, no change there for us. But we do miss the antique and flea fairs, where we buy all our stock (we’re dealers). Still, can’t sell or deliver anything at the mo, so it would be like putting our dosh into stuff that is not going to move for a year and going bankrupt in the process. O-er, missiz!

    All that might be small talk, so maybe on can do it on the page 🙂

    Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

  13. I never could do small talk. Don’t see the point. If I’ve got something to say, I say it, if I haven’t I keep my gob shut. So meeting women and finding friends has never been easy. But in the main I’m sure I’ve not missed much. These days I talk to my self-isolating cat. We have intelligent conversations when she can be bothered.

    • I try that with my cat but she mostly just opens her mouth and no sound comes out. She clearly doesn’t want to waste energy on a cunt, even one that feeds and brushes her.

  14. “How are you today”?
    “Feeling a bit strange – I am a socially functioning psychopath, and some nagging voice tells me you are being rude”..
    “Err, OK then, ‘bye”
    Small talk – yeay! 😃👍

    • I had some small talk with a middle-aged scratter on a bike today who SERIOUSLY ran the red light at local pedestrian crossing. Obviously had zero intention of stopping.
      “You WANKER !!”
      Ten seconds later, his ears had connected with his rudimentary CNS, he squealed to a halt, came towards me “Blaah blah blah durnt tek naah shit furm narbody blah blah”
      It’s a fucking pedestrian crossing, and the red light was against you.

      As if by magic, the cunt was gone… I DO love a bit of social interaction.

  15. My missus swears I’ve got Aspergers or something. I have to admit I do cut people dead when they try and engage and normally just turn my back and walk away. Funnily enough it may be selective Aspergers cos I’m a right cunt for it if it’s a nice bit of skirt.

  16. I thoroughly agree, I don’t particularly like talking to people I know, let alone strangers. Call it English reserve, call it politeness, just don’t fucking expect me to talk about fuck all. Football, holidays, oh fuck off.
    And fucking minicab drivers “so where are you off to?”. The fucking train station, you already know that and that is the precise extent of the information you require.
    And since when did asking someone what they do for a living become acceptable within seconds of meeting them? Fuck off you nosy cunt.
    Small talk is loved by “I’ll talk to anyone, me” cunts.

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