The Whole Shopping Experience

When I used to live on the outskirts of Birmingham there were many things that used to really piss me off, not least the crime, the pollution, the noise, the rat-race, the fucking idiotic driving, the gimmecunts, the dozy, twattish pedestrians glued to their fucking phone and a whole raft of other little niggles that all proved to be the final straw, before we packed our bags and got the fuck out Dodge!

Earlier this morning I went shopping with the wife to a small little town called Egremont, just up the road from where we live in the Lake District. It’s a small town, quite busy at times, but certainly not mental compared to the manic big city.

But what was a real delight was the far more relaxed shopping experience. Parking was easy, traffic wasn’t too bad; everyone was very pleasant to each other, and the actually shopping itself was very agreeable with no dawdling goons in the aisles or waiting at the last minute to look for their fucking credit cards at the tills!

Compare and contrast that to the utter shite that was shopping in Birmingham’s city centre, and the new Bull Ring (or whatever the fuck its called these days). Driving into the city centre is a fucking experience in itself – you would probably find climbing Mount Everest an easier option quite frankly. And then there’s the hassle of finding somewhere to park (the NCP multi-storeys, are hideously expensive, dirty and a mugger’s paradise).

Then you have to walk from the car park to the shopping centre without being whacked by cunts on bikes or electric scooters, smartphone zombies, drunks, vagrants, druggies, beggars, chuggers, dawdling twats, parents pushing those double-berth prams, along with bags of shopping and four other screaming brats in tow.

And once you enter a shop you’re instantly assailed by some sales assistant cunt getting in your face wondering if you need any help. A simple “fuck off!” always helps. But conversely when you do want some help, there’s not a cunt to be seen because they’re all in the back of the story gossiping about some cunt on “Shitbook”.

You get to the till and pay for your goods, but are also asked by the spotty oik if you need a bag. You say yes, but they give you the smallest, flimsiest bag they can find and charge you 10p for the privilege, but make no attempt to put the items in the bag for you.

As soon as you step outside, you’re instantly assailed by the same cunts you tried so desperately to avoid on the way in, but this time you’re carrying something that may attract some cunt with a knife. So you hurry along to your car in the multi-storey only to find it is squashed between two big SUVs, neither of which have left you much space to open your door. And on closer inspection you notice your other cars door panels have been dinged! Then you have to find your way out of the city centre. Not an easy task even with sat nav, because it is telling you one thing, while the many road diversions littered along the planned route tell you quite another.

Throw in some tailgaters, manic cyclists with no lights, pedestrians simply walking into the middle of the road without looking, and a few boy racers giving you a hard time, is it any wonder high streets up and down the country are becoming like ghost towns.

Thank fuck I don’t have to put up with that shit any more!

Nominated by Technocunt

55 thoughts on “The Whole Shopping Experience

  1. Fuck me TC, I will be going back to visit some long time not seen relatives in my former home town of Brum in June. You’ve put me right off now. Still it will reinforce my good luck in pissing off out of it 40+ years ago. Please tell me the Fish and Chips are still OK though ?

    • Genuine fish & chip shops are in short supply in Brum City Centre, thanks to the “cultural enrichment” from across the world (mostly the 3rd world)

      During my time in the city the best ones were the Dolphin, in Selly Oak; and Dad’s Lane Chippy, in Stirchley. Big fuck-off portions, with proper fish, and wrapped in faux newspaper for that authentic taste!

      These days though you’d be pushed to figure out what the fuck you’re eating at some so-called chippies. Dead minced cat & soggy fries, with a rich dead dog curried sauce; with a sprinkling of ganja & coke on top, is the order of the day in places like Handsworth!

      Don’t miss any of that shit anymore
      .

      • Theres more fast food here than ever Technocunt. A few years ago cats were going missing in Acocks Green. Found out it was the local Chinese takeaway (true story). Brum is almost totally enriched now, spreading out into Solihull. Shit dumped all over the pavements and more traffic than ever. Your better off facetiming your family Grumpy Old Cunt.

  2. A good summation of shit British life, Techno. I used to live in Ambleside years ago and now I would find that too busy. I guess you live on the Whitehaven side of Cumbria, which is quieter. And being a white haven, life is so much better. That’s why I now live in the Scottish highlands.

    But give it time, my friend. Next year, you’ll be cunting the locals – how they all drive at 25 mph, are rudely parochial, treat you as an incomer/tourist, how littering drives you nuts (because it’s more offensive in a National Park), how it’s pain to get your car serviced, etc… Enjoy!

    • I hate Amberside, my “Fiancee” went up there to do dry stone walling with the National Trust when I was deployed in saudi, never saw her again or the contents of my bank account, fucking embarrassing seeing the guests of our postponed wedding (postponed due to deployment) and telling them it was a no go and she had fucked off.

    • Ambleside is pure murder during the summer months and there’s shedloads of tourists from near and far milling around the area and cluttering up the place.

      If it wasn’t for their money the locals would probably tell them to do one!

      sometimes when I’m visiting folk in Whitehaven, Maryport or Workington, I stand along the beach and can just about see Scotchside across the Irish Sea. Great views apart from the ugly fucking wind turbines all along the coastline on both sides!

  3. I almost never go into Leicester nowadays, except to give blood, as there simply isn’t anything there (except the decent fish market which is far too expensive for me) that I can’t get much easier anywhere else. I’m lucky enough to live round the corner from a suburban centre which has a supermarket. It’s an Asda (hey ho) but at least it’s reasonably cheap and convenient and spares me a great deal of hassle. Having said that I’m sick of the fucking staff in there doing internet shops for lazy cunts, they’re everywhere and impossible to avoid.There’s also an M & S Simply Food for when I find a tenner on the street and a Sainsbury’s a couple of miles away on a bus route which stops at the end of our drive.

    • “except to give blood”, moggie… what are you – some kind of masochist?

      Sounds like you’re always swimming against the tide, like me

        • Oh, sorry moggie. Didn’t realise you meant you are actually meant donating blood “on purpose”. .

          From what I know of Leicester these days, I thought when you said “giving blood” you were being suitably vague and were talking about the blood loss because of knifings and punch ups with the many Peacefuls who you picked fights with when popping out for some fags, milk and a newspaper on the High Street.

    • Lived in Stoneygate shortly after I married, many blue moons ago…
      Is the blood-giving voluntary, or is it a cultural enricher with a high-tech machete opening your arteries up ?

      I hope Lane’s the Pork Butchers are still going, best pork I ever had.
      Used to get decent fish & chips in Anstey, and there was an ok “a one, a three, a nine and lychees” in the same parade. There was also a draper’s, with a T-towel in the window, emblazoned with “My get-up and go has gone and went.”
      Anstey was a bit like that…

  4. Mrs K invariably does the weekly shop as she knows I’m a ticking time bomb and it’s not worth the grief. Purely for the majority of the points you have made Techno. For me, just taking the car out these days makes my blood boil. Women in 4x4s they can’t drive because it’s too big to handle, Pàkis who probably don’t have a valid licence, cyclists ( don’t even start me ), supermarket home delivery drivers who park like they are the 4th emergency service etc. My weapon of choice day to day is my tipper transit and people are so polite and move out of the way when they see me coming. Just can’t do the weekly shop unless I’m forced to, Mrs K is a legend.

  5. Have to agree, I left London behind long ago and now I’ve left the Midlands for the seaside in East Yorkshire. Shopping is now tolerable, the supermarket is no longer approached with trepidation because it’s not like the heaving entrance to hell back where I’ve just come from.

    Maybe I just got old and less tolerant.

    • some cunts seem to love the chaos and danger of going into the city centre to do their weekly shop!

      There’s no question its the place to be in terms of convenience and for things-to-do in terms of entertainment. But my tolerance levels have reached breaking point where ever trip into town was like being dropped behind enemy lines during WW2 (although these days the city centre is full of fucking enemies)

      The millennials love it of course, but for old cunts like me not so much

      • That’s probably because our society is crumbling around us Moggie63 . There’s more people here which means more queue’s etc and the really annoying thing is there is less staff in the shops and banks to compensate for the mass influx of people coming in . The same goes for the doctors and hospitals, it’s alright the PM saying were gonna put more police on the streets and more nurses and doctors etc. As we’ve all mentioned before if we didn’t let so many criminals into this country we wouldn’t need as many police and the same goes for the hospitals and doctors etc.

        • I wanted to pay cash into the main HSBC in Cardiff; I was told it was automated only.
          Notes only, doesn’t even accept pound or two-pound coins. So they really haven’t got the technology ?? Amusement arcades have, and they offer a better return, and they don’t employ that great masturbator Ayoade. Fucking cunt.

    • Some nice places on the east coast of Yorkshire , my missus sister had a chalet in Withensea (just outside of Hull) and me and her would go up frequently for a weekend just us two and i loved it. I’ts only a small seaside town but easily somewhere i could live.

  6. I went to a local bakery this morning. Well known with some extremely helpful and hard working Eastern European ladies. Two fucking crack addicts in the shop. Scum,of the 1st order. As I work in that field I can spot one a mile off.

    Come on Boris!

    Good morning all.

    Trump 2020.

  7. Congratulations on moving to Egremont,TC. It’s a nice part of the Country…not rural Northumberland but not far off.

    The further North you get in England,the better the class of locals.I,of course,couldn’t get any further North.

  8. Every fucking Sainsbury should have an investor in people plaque outside, I try not to go there whenever possible.
    I once asked an assistant if they had something in stock, they went in the store room to check, half an hour later management challenged me for loitering. I described the person who had gone in the stores to check for me and they were apologetic, stock checked in a few minuets and told me they were out of stock.
    Fuck knows where she went.
    Then I had the fucking till meltdown woman, my card was declined and she couldnt clear the till. she turned her little light on got flustered and stood up and fucking shouted “CARD DECLINED! CAN I GET SOME HELP PLEASE” I never went there again.
    I fucking hate shops, Click and collect seems to be the way forward.

    • We sometimes shop in Scunny instead of our home town of Donny. At least it’s free parking in the town centre. We like that you don’t have to drive fucking miles to find the shops you need.

      • I’m from Donny , well Askern to be precise and yes it can be mental sometimes especially down the market when it’s a sunny saturday afternoon. The women on the fruit and veg stalls make me laugh because they go all cockney when they shout stuff out.

  9. Was in the opticians with the wife yesterday. While trying on some different styles she stepped backwards and trod on some blokes’ foot.
    He said, “Watch what you’re doing you ugly, fat, clumsy cunt.”

    I said, “There’s no need for that mate. You shouldn’t be in here anyway.”

    He said, “Why fucking not..?”

    I said, “Well there’s obviously nothing wrong with your eyesight”….

  10. Good cunting, our local Sainsbury’s is the same, 12 fucking tills and you are lucky if more than 4 are open even when there are literally 50 people queueing up.

    Oh, don’t get me started on fucking WAMAN at the tills, stand in line for 5 minutes, get everything rung up, then and only then do they decide to go in their handbags to find their purse and then spend 10 mins looking for a fucking loyalty card and then if you are lucky they pay with a card, nut 9 times out of 10 they pay cash using the exact change and take another 5 minutes.
    CUNTS

  11. If you want to relieve some of your shopping frustrations google “spermarket fights” or “Walmart fights” . There you can see dumb Yanks rucking over fuck knows what on the shop floor.
    Quality entertainment!

  12. Fuck its Valentines, I will have to go to the shops and buy something for dinner (or have a “Surprise” meal cooked for me).
    Steak, oven chips and a mixed salad, cant be arsed buying a fuck off box of mushrooms just to use 6 of them.
    Probably stop of at the Crematorium on the way home and pick up some flowers too.

    • That’s funny LB as iv’e used that line many times about nipping to the cemetery to pick up some flowers , although sometimes you can find some decent ones tied to a lamppost. Just don’t make the mistake of giving her the flowers and she’s like “oohh these are lovely thanks love”, errr what’s this card in here saying in the memory of”.

    • Do a Greta, ask if they’ve considered setting up a communal oven scheme, like the Italian villagers used to cook bread in the local trattoria pizza ovens.
      All that heat going to waste, and there must be some sort of “Holy Wine” in a cupboard round the back.
      Win-win. I’ve always thought crems need a bit more life.

  13. I’m fairly certain super markets have devices that emit sub-sonic sound waves which disrupt the brains of people who enter them thus taking away any and all spacial awareness and peripheral vision. Tards.

      • Spatial awareness fuck off next time I see a daft bunt staring empty vacant koala eyes at some item on the shelf utterly oblivious that she’s parked her fricking trolley across both lanes obstructing several others with less free time. And these are the cunts who never miss the chance to tell us what fucking great multitaskers they are fuck off you can’t even do one thing more than half arsed at a time.

  14. Great cunting, Technocunt. I fucking loathe shopping, be it food shopping (which is the worst of all shopping experiences) or just popping out for some random shite.

    I went shopping yesterday to a card shop, Lidl and M&S for my Mum, who is laid up with a bad sore throat. Fuck me, it was a nightmare. I hasten to add that I went into the card shop for a sympathy card, not fucking Valentines as the last time I had to buy a Valentine’s card was…..ummm….never actually, but it was full of useless, aimless cunts meandering around looking for last minute shit to satisfy their other halves, getting in my bloody way when all I wanted was to find the ‘Sorry for your Loss’ section ASAP.

    Then Lidl. Fuck me, that place is chav city. Now I am no snob, but like Poundland (my first choice for cheap shit..needs must) it was teeming with spotty students, Babymamas and their 50 sprogs attached to their buggies like limpets and wombles (ladies and gentlemen of a ‘senior’ persuasion) looking vague and stopping dead – not LITERALLY dead one hopes….I cant be doing my very rusty CPR when I only went in for a fucking loaf – in the middle of the aisle at every turn, and drugged-up looking mongs searching for the aisle that is signposted, ‘HEROIN AND OTHER CLASS A’s’.

    Then when I hit the queue, that fucker was out of the door and as usual, there were no cunts manning the TWO CHECKOUT TILLS and you get the self-service machines that are ‘only accepting cards’ or ‘out of order’. It was a horror show, as per.

    M&S was no better. Wombles EVERYWHERE. Cunts on mobility scooters because they weigh 30 stone, I suspect not because they are infirm, but because they are lazy, fat fucks who can’t be arsed to walk, cunts on their lunch break squabbling over who took the last ham & cheese, middle-class looking cunts muttering about where the couscous is and the fucking shop staff themselves blocking aisles with those huge crates they restock shelves with (well they want to start with the fucking low cal Macaroni Cheese, as that has been an empty shelf for two weeks straight at bloody midday, useless cunts)

    By the time I got home, I was sweating like hell, stressed as fuck and in need of a stiff drink. There is a lot to be said for doing it all online, if the bastards didn’t bloody rip you off with the extortionate delivery fees.

    CUNTS!!!

    • Lol very well put NC because just reading your post is more or less exactly as i think . What about the people in front with there shopping trolley’s that just stop , or those just just swing there trolley around without looking . One woman nearly went straight into me because she was to busy looking at her phone while pushing the trolley , and the reduced aisle at the asda well fuck me that’s mental as there like a bunch of fucking vultures pushing and guarding the food etc. I definitely agree on the mobile scooters because it’s true most of them is because there to fat and to fucking lazy. I have to stop because i could go on about this all day as it’s brought shit up lol.

    • I don’t know where you mainly shop Nurse C but we get a delivery each week from Asda. I know, before somebody says what a crap supermarket it is, it all depends on how good your local store is.
      Anyways, I opt for a midweek delivery(Tues, Wed or Thurs.)
      I buy a yearly delivery pass which costs about £27.
      Because I order each week, this works out about 55p per delivery.
      Now 55p per delivery for picking and delivering your order is a fuckin’ bargain.
      However, I do appreciate there are some areas where you wouldn’t want anything delivering to your house. I could just imagine the type of cunts who’d turn up on your doorstep in Londonistan . . . . . .

      “I only asked the cunt if he’d forgotten my pork chops and the fucker stabbed me.”

      • I find the Asda pretty good to be fair and has the best deals and i would say the cheapest out off all the other major supermarkets and certainly the best ribeye steak . It’s just going at the right time here as it can get very busy.

  15. This one is right up my street as when it comes to shopping i’m probably one of the most impatient guys there is . I was only moaning yesterday when i went to the local co op to pick up a bottle of wine , there was 5 of us in the queue with only one person serving . She was fairly old so wasn’t the fastest but what really infuriated me was the fact there was three other staff just stood in the isle talking , it makes my blood boil . The missus goes mad with me because depending what mood i’m in i usually say something to then and tell them they are taking the piss. In the same shop the other week a similar thing happened , there was one guy on the till , big fat cunt with a great beard ,only must be in his twenties . Another older lady went on the other till and and said to her thank God as waiting for him to serve me i’d be ages . How was i to know it turned out to be her son and she said to me be careful what you say he’s my son , i just looked her in the face and said well tell him to get a move on then , she don’t like serving me anymore. Funny thing is after that incident yesterday i called into the chippy straight after for me and the missus and there is a queue of around 4 but it totally winds me up when someone has a list and they take ages. There was this big fat woman in front of me and i’m just thinking to myself , shes gonna be trouble , she ordered a chip butty a battered burger a battered sausage some batter bits and a curry . I just stood behind her thinking no wonder your so fat you greedy cunt. I hate going shopping with the missus as well as she does my head in , she takes ages and everything is a chore . We can go to the co op and i can see loads of people with baskets with loads in and i’m like hurry up love before these go to the till as there gonna be trouble , we never make it as she takes to long just to pick some wine. Scratch card buyers now they really wind me up , oooo can i have a number this and a number that etc , FUCK OFF will you , one girl last week bought one and got the woman on the till to scratch it for her i’m like what the fuck is going off !!!!!!! again FUCK OFF will you. I’t certainly isn’t the first time or the last time iv’e gone mad in a shop because of useless slow and piss taking staff.

    Yes the o/h also has a similar talent, the tills are empty and she concludes her shop just as a fucking massive Que appears

    • Yeah they really are fucking trouble just like the ones who are working there and they have finished there shift and decide to do a bit of shopping . They get to the checkout and decide to have a chat to there work mates about shit that they have had all shift to talk about in total disregard for the ever building queue that they are holding up. Again if i’m with the missus she goes mad because i always say something ” oi your holding the queue up , you’ve been served so never mind chatting while putting your stuff in your bag , you might have all day but i haven’t now pack your stuff and FUCK OFF!!.

    • I often wonder where the 20 people at the tills came from, given that the fucking place was deserted when I entered 5 minutes before.

      • And hanging around in a till queue is a good way to pick up the chinavirus. Supermarkets should start issuing people with face masks on the way in.

  16. I agree with all the sentiments here and it’s no surprise High street shopping is dying on it’s feet, it’s a utter cunt experience from beginning to end. I live in a rural location and the only time I go to ‘town’ is to do the weekly shop in Holbeach which is like Tombstone at happy hour. Anyway, I liken it to sex with my ex-missus – get in, get out as quickly as possible with the minimum of fuss and without the need for utensils.

  17. I used to love the 24-hour Tesco so I could shop without all the weirdos, perverts, poikies, unemployed, oldsters, Polish, the unbathed and the slowies. It was wonderful.

  18. I work in a supermarket. I love it, but lately I have been getting annoyed.
    The customers licking their fingers before retrieving their money out of their purses and wallets. Please stop it.
    Also, stop scratching me with your claws as I pass the shopping over.

  19. Superlative cunting. Cannot really add anything that hasn’t been said before. Was going out with this bird for a couple of months there and she dragged me into Glasgow city centre for a shopping spree on a Thursday (Glasgow’s late-night shopping day). A downright ‘orrible experience, with unprecedented levels of cuntery. Never again. Glasgow may not be the sprawling metropolis that is either London or Birmingham, but it is still a very big city and not without its snags. I hadn’t been out on a proper shopping spree for years (the last one, I think, was about 5 years ago in a strictly indoor complex with great parking facilities, with an ex I had dated for 4 years, and that was bad enough!). All these sockless, entitled mannequin soyboys and plastic barbie dolls en masse, glued to their phones, giggling and gesticulating like they were on a day out courtesy of Sunshine Variety Coaches, was a major fucking cross to bear. Inside the shops wasn’t much better either, what with overcrowding, crashing in to one another every fucking minute, screaming kids, fat smelly people doddering around slobbering and raking endlessly for a bargain, and rude, detached staff looking like a depressed labrador. Fuck off! Online shopping for the win. If anyone does want to venture out to a fairly big city for a day out, you better be organised as fuck, know exactly what you’re looking for and from which shops, and get in and out of said fairly big city as quickly and early as possible — cos even then you’ll doubtless experience a tsunami of solid cunt!

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