Haggis

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‘Fair fa’ your honest, sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin’-race!’

Oh Lord, here we are again. January 25th, and time for Scots the world over to celebrate their heritage and salute that great Scottish-Jewish poet, Rabbi Burns.

Now I’m the first to admit that the greatest piece of luck I’ve ever experienced was to win the heart of a gorgeously sensual Edinburgh lass, but like any of life’s riches, it’s come with some baggage, or a bloody great steamer trunk in the case of haggis.
Now cunters from sarf of the border will have heard of this culinary abomination, but may only have a vague notion of what a haggis actually is, so let me include a brief explanation courtesy of Wikipedia:

‘Haggis is a savoury pudding containing sheep’s pluck (heart, liver and lungs), minced with onion, oatmeal, suet, spices and salt, and cooked while encased in the animal’s stomach’.

Every January 25th, I have to go through the ritual torture of a Burns Supper, where this abomination is served up with tatties and neeps, to the accompaniment of the maestro’s ‘Address to the Haggis’. And I have to like it, or else. Take it from me, haggis is an open invitation to a three-day bout of acid reflux, or a bad dose of the shits, or both. I’m living on borrowed time as I write. The good news is that it’s another 365 days before I have to endure the ordeal again. Still, at least I get a good, warming shot of Glenlivet single malt to wash it down with. Every cloud has a silver lining, even if for the most part, the cloud resembles a ball of lead. And for dessert, what about that other Scottish culinary masterpiece, the deep fried Mars Bar? Man, that’s really living, as any Dying Scot will tell you.

Nominated by Ron Knee

72 thoughts on “Haggis”

  1. I must admit that I prefer it the next day broken up and fried with the cold potato,turnip and a load of onion….finish off this culinary masterpiece with a delicate jus of H.P. Brown sauce.

    Robbie Burns was a windbag and a Cunt…Auld Lang Syne indeed.

    • Good nom Ron!
      Although Cuntan will be upset he loves haggis.
      Never had it, never had the opportunity.
      Would like to try it though, what do you eat it with?
      What accompanies it?
      (And i dont mean bagpipes you sarcastic bastards!)

      • Neaps and potatoes accompany it. And I hate turnips anyway! Seriously, if you haven’t tried it then DON’T!

      • I like it stuffed in chicken and wrapped in bacon. A nice whisky sauce to go with it.
        And some veg I suppose.

      • I think the smashing orangey bit in Jaffa Cakes counts Ron. 5 Jaffa Cakes in one day; mission accomplished.

      • They’re packed with vitamins and fibre FH. A delicacy suited to even the most discerning palate.

      • Well if bag pipes are the accompaniment I’d sooner eat them than the king of puddings

    • True enough,Francis…but anyone who provides the ammunition of “Auld Lang Syne” to those maudlin,once-a-year drinker Cunts on Old Year’s Night deserves all that they get.

    • Robbie Burns can stuff the “Great chieftain o the puddin race” up his arse and Fuck Off.

  2. Speaking as a citizen of Edinburgh and a one hundred percent jock I must say I never liked Burns. Unintelligible guff. As for haggis, sorry fellow kilters but it’s shit . However I’ve met Germans who rave about it. Odd. Gimme a fish supper with lashings of liquid broon sauce anytime.

    • A fish supper with chip shop sauce, and a buttered roll. Now you’re talking my language Mac. You can get a stonking fish supper at the (I think it’s called) ‘St Andrew’s’ chip shop in Portobello. They even do a cracking gluten free fish (missus is coeliac). It’s a bit pricey if you sit in like we did but worth it.

  3. The only ‘haggis’ I’ve ever had is the packaged ones you can get from supermarkets and I’ve liked them. Having said that, I couldn’t eat the last one I bought as it seemed to consist of 8% haggis and 92% salt, fucking revolting it was and, after having a rather large mouthful, I must have drunk a gallon of water in the next few hours.

  4. Can’t agree with this nom as I love the stuff and maybe not quite as authentic as buying it in chilly Jockoland but I get mine from Makro.I prefer it fried but have to do it on a low light otherwise the barley pings off all over the place.mmmmmm

    • I must say that haggis seems to be one of those things that divides people into love it or hate it camps, no middle ground.
      The missus has to get one that’s gluten free cos of her coeliac disease. Don’t know if that’s got anything to do with it but it gives me indigestion like nobody’s business, the cunt. Have to suck it up tho and act as if I like it. The missus is worth it tho Gawd bless her.

  5. I bought a couple from our supermarket yesterday. Delicious with mash and garden peas.

    Haggis contains nothing more squeamish than the common or garden sausage.

      • It’s not and I think they weigh around 450g, but I usually buy Asda’s Irish recipe frozen sausages at around £2.90 a kilo. But I won’t be buying haggis again, that last one really put me off.

    • Absolutely right PM. Had haggis last night (pure coincidence didn’t even realise it was the scotchland thing) and it was lovely. Was looking at some saveloys in supermarket on Friday, first and main ingredient was “mechanically separated chicken protein”. Think I’ll take my chances with sheep’s lungs

    • I think the real thing roughly hewn from the guts of a long-in-the-tooth ewe would be a fright to see and ghastly to eat

  6. It’s OK.
    Ate it for breakfast when I was last in Scotland.
    There are worse things – like canned frankfurters.

  7. I don’t mind it on the odd occasion it’s appeared.
    You can keep your turnips though.
    Glenlivet to the rescue,excellent.

  9. Oh booze, oh booze you are a pest,
    You sometimes keep me from my rest,
    You sometimes turn my friends to foes,
    You sometimes make me wear old clothes,
    But seen as you’re beneath my nose,
    Ah now down she goes.

  10. Didn’t the old windbag do “My Love Is Like A Red, Red Rose”, much beloved by maudlin Scottish singers in kilts?. That and Old Lang Syne or whatever they called it would turn my guts, the haggis would push me over the edge.

    If we must have TradScot let’s keep it the bagpipe music and the dancing – Jimmy Shand and his ilk. Keeps the weight down if nothing else.

    Talking of music, don’t forget being Sunday Dominic Grieve and his electric organ will be fulfilling their lunchtime gig at the Rose and Crown. They are joined this week by their special guest, the nude organist of Islington, Emily Thornberry. She and Dommie will be pushing their organs together to see what comes up.

    Patrons will be relieved to know that Miss Thornberry has consented to wear for todays performance (in case any children or nursing mothers are present at the recital) an outsize cricket box with a built in deoderant to avoid upsetting their sensibilities. Get down there to enjoy their Organ Grinders Swing. Free admission….. £20 to get out.

  11. Love haggis.

    Love ‘neeps, tatties and gravy you can stand a spoon up in it.

    Fuck off!

  12. Forget Haggis, just look at the shit the Chinese eat and the conditions of their markets, that’s why they get all these fucking viruses ….. the dirty bastards!!

    • The food market in Wuhan where this virus originated even had camel and hedgehog for sale, the yellow bastards really will eat anything that moves. I do wonder what they would make of haggis though, “Velly velly tasty” probably.

      • I saw somewhere that they even had koalas for sale. Fucking koalas! Only a cunt would eat that. Were they importing the things from Aussie or what?

      • Oh. I don’t know about that Ron. Missus and I often have koala slaw with our cold meat sandwiches.
        Had some yesterday with our chicken chow mein delivery.
        We were a bit alarmed though when Mr Huang Lo, our delivery driver, turned up wearing a face mask.

      • Koala slaw,Bertie? You must let us know the name of your supplier.
        Mmm… have you developed an ominous cough yet after the chow mein?
        I always find it a bit ironic with the Chinese and those face masks. We were in Edinburgh at New Year, and there were hoards of the cunts walking about wearing them, no doubt in fear of what they might catch. Fucking hell, we should be issued masks to try and protect US from them!

      • Apparently Ron, some Aussies believe there’s a link between the present virus and the Corona beer that they drink! (seriously!)

        When you think about it though, these little fiends have a habit of naming the viruses after popular drinks . . . . . .
        Wine flu!
        SARSaparilla!
        Corona virus (a beer and used to be a lemonade brand in the UK.)
        What next? IRN FLU?

      • I can believe it mate. I bet the sales of that brew have gone through the floor down under. There are some dozy cunts everywhere tho. Do you remember those idiots a few years ago who rubbished some bloke’s office because he had a brass plate outside with ‘paediatrician’ on it? The fucking wassocks appeared to think that he was advertising himself as a kiddie fiddler. Christ almighty.

      • Aren’t they revolting? Perhaps we ought to start eating those cunts, just tie the fucker down and slice a piece off the yelling little bastard then skewer it and on the BBQ it goes, even a small one should last a family of 4 for a week. The cunts wouldn’t be in a moral position to complain and we could distribute millions of them to Africa so they could stop eating all sorts of shit as well.

  13. My ex wife is a sweaty.

    I have nothing complimentary to say of this race of Buckie quaffing barbarians.

  14. It seems like a dare to eat Scottish food.
    Second prize in a competition: A Haggis meal for two.
    First prize: A Haggis meal for one.

  15. You’ve nailed this abomination right on the head as usual Ron. You missed the part when, apart from the hosts, everybody has to pretend they actually ENJOYED eating the shit. ‘Oh yes, it was wonderful. More? No I couldn’t manage another bite it was so fulfilling’. But, and again you’re correct, the single malt (‘More? yes please!’ – anything to take away the aftertaste of a tasteless haggis), although the Talisker in my case, soothes the stomach no end.

    • Yeh mick Talisker is a real drop of the good stuff as well. Let’s face it, any malt is pretty much a drop of the good stuff!

  16. I can’t remember ever eating haggis, but I occasionally enjoy some faggots and peas, with plenty of vinegar. Surely the dish must be on death row, between rampant veganism and the name alone, even though it predates the hijacked use by the fruity community.

  17. 4 Chinese people were tested for Coronavirus in Scotland on the day the news broke. I thought Nicola Sturgeon would be on the telly saying, “In an independent Scotland… there will be no Coronavirus. Scottish scientists have proved it can be cured by Chicken Noodle Soup, Irn-Bru and paracetamol”. As if we have the fucking cure for everything.

    The chinks results came back negative anyway.

    • ‘Coronavirus is a direct result of years of cuts imposed by Westminster’.
      Said Nicola Sturgeon yesterday.

      • Silly old cunt ought to be sent to a McCare Home – she really has lost the plot the old fuckwit

      • And that raving fat oaf Blackford can go with her. They’d make a lovely couple.
        Still, things should brighten up a bit soon, with the Alex ‘I love haggis, me’ Salmond Show due to start at the High Court in Edinburgh in March. The entertainment value could be enormous. Nicola has, I believe, sent her very best wishes to her former patron… I’m sure it’s a sentiment in which we would all like to join.

    • The SNP is really going off the rails. Boris has a huge majority, the constant whine of independence is grating even on nationalists, every year the economic figures are dire, services get worse despite outspending England, the only upside is that with global warming we’ve practically dodged winter up here so happy days!

      • I’d kind of welcome another referendum in a way. It’s risky strategy for Boris to pursue, but if Scotland wants off, we may as well face it, because as it is, the issue’s a running sore. And of course if the canny Scots voted no again, that would be glorious. Can you image the look on the face of that fat fuck Blackford? Bringing it back on topic, it can be added that the fat cunt looks as tho he’s eaten half of the haggis in Scotland.

  18. I’m Scottish. Brevity is the proverbial soul of wit, so, with that, fuck haggis and fuck Rabbie Burns (the masonic, fornicating, alcoholic cunt that he was)! Absolutely hate haggis, and I’d much rather read Philip fucking Larkin.

    • And Philip Larkin is a cunt of the highest order too, so Burns must be a proper cunt!

      “O my Luve is like a red, red rose
      That’s newly sprung in June;”

      Actually Rab, me auld wordsmith, it was a white, white rose covered in blood from a “peaceful” attack.

      Still, we managed to warm our hand over Gwyneth Paltrow’s snatch candles at the vigil, so that’s something I suppose…

      • Rebel, I’ve no doubt he was a proper cunt when he was amongst the living — a proper depressing cunt! Still, the macabre and darker side of life make for more interesting and palatable literature, in one’s opinion.

        Was there any need to bring dune coons and Gwyneth’s clackervalve into this, Rebel? Having said that, I’m just out of the bookies there (placing a bet on football) and there was a young slit of about 21 serving behind the counter. Fucking sexy as hell, brunette, hair in a ponytail and tight jeans on, and a bit of an attitude on her (nice enough manner, but could probably put you in your place, too). At one point she was emptying the cash from the slot machines, bending over frequently, and so on (she fucking knew what she was doing). Great hourglass figure and a right dirty looking young lady. If I was 15 years younger I’d be right in there! Some lucky younger bastard will be smashing her later on . . . jealous as fuck!

  19. Of all the Burns jokes in my little book, I think this one is definitely the best . . . . . .

    Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

    He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: “Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e’ the puddin’ race! Aboon them a’ ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o’ a grace as lang’s my arm.”
    Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.
    The patient replies: “Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”
    The third starts rattling off: “Wee sleekit, cow’rin, tim’rous beastie, O, what a panic’s in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!”
    Boris turns to the doctor and asks: “Is this the mental ward?”
    “No” the doctor replies, “It’s the Burns unit.”

      • Ron, in your nom you say you eat this shit and you have to like it or else? Come on lad, are you a man or a mouse? No fucker, man or woman, tells me I have to force repulsive foreign crap down my throat. What does she do for you that could possibly make up for it?

      • What does she do for me? I couldn’t possibly say on a public forum Allan, beyond the fact that it puts a fucking enormous grin on my face.

      • I look forward to seeing a readers wives section of IsaC soon and for Mrs Knee to feature in the first issue.

  20. I Like Haggis. I like it sliced and fried. I like it steamed with Tatties. It is also extremely useful in starting your leek trench. Much much better than Bhaji’s

      • You’re not alone in wondering that Bertie. I call upon Simple to answer this question asap.

      • I like Ron’s noms, not only because they are amongst the best, he’s also usually on hand to answer any queries or questions that arise from them. (I’m sorry this is a little late for the arse-licking cunting.)

  21. I don’t mind if I see those Golden Wonder Haggis – flavour crisps sometime soon…
    The idea of whisky, red wine, and a load of decent hot veg is strangely appealing.
    Makes a change from Bat Soup and live mice…

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